DIARY – I Feel Like Shit

self doubt, depression, confidence


DISCLAIMER! This is an old post, written on Mon Sep 16 2019 at 11:45 PM.
This is written by 2019 Chris.
2021 Chris is doing much better.

I work tomorrow at 8:15. I loath the thought. 4th day at Performance Auto Parts working as a part-time delivery driver.

I’m watching Joe Rogan #134 with Neil DeGrasse Tyson. I don’t care. I feel so empty inside. I’m waiting for my vegan chickpea curry to cool. WHY AM I SO EMPTY INSIDE?

I think I know. My plans for life have failed. I cannot identify as a creative anymore, because I don’t create enough. Well, I made some nice Vocaloid tunes lately.

I just feel like shit all the time. I have hypertension, high blood pressure, mood swings, and my eyes hurt. I have some sort of skin condition on my butt, bloating, constipation, bad breath, and pains in my arms and my stomach. I can’t sleep on my back because my butt hurts from sitting all day. So I sleep on my stomach and my sleep is terrible.

I’m anxious beyond mental control. Every morning before work I feel like I’m about to vomit.

I think several of my health problems would be alleviated if I just ran 5K every day, but I’m so addicted to being on the computer, I cannot bring myself to do such a thing.

I want to die. I don’t want to be a rat racer and work a job I’m not absolutely elated to do. Was Information Technology, when I worked in that field, only lovely because I was addicted to it?

Is my destiny to be a net junkie?

The job isn’t bad, it’s just that my tolerance for work is so low. I won’t quit, though, since I want to build wealth.

I have goals.

Stress level 0 is my most difficult goal.

Freedom to be myself is another difficult goal.

Sex is a goal which depends on the above goals. Honestly this goal seems impossible.

Land of my own seems achievable, as long as I can keep generating income.

I’m on a 3-6 month waiting list for psychiatric help. One office didn’t even bother returning my call once I let them know I was on the state health insurance plan.

Idaho is calling me. My hobbies of guns and cryptocurrencies are under attack by the increasingly leftist policies in Washington.

Hey guess what? I feel like shit!

I’m lonely. I don’t want relationships because I have issues. I’d like to talk to a counselor that doesn’t advertise their PH.D in theology or use of religion in their practice. Actually, I don’t want to talk to a counselor at all, I want to talk to a psychiatrist.

I’m a hopeless addict. That is the thing I identify most with, and that is one of the reasons I’m suffering. My identity as a creator is lost.

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