Fri Apr 17 2020

youtuber, blogger, screenwriter

仕事。Blogging is working. Working is blogging. But is it really? I suppose it can be, if the act of publishing and gaining readers is something that can be monetized. The way I’m doing things right now, it’s not monetization. I don’t publish! Well, I schedule my writings to be published, 2 years from when I write them. I wonder how I’ll feel when that time draws near! Will I be alive to experience it? Will I fold under the shame of what I have written? Will I give my words an opportunity to be shared, or will I revert to my habit of hiding my authentic self?

Time will tell!

12:50AM. I just finished up yesterday’s post and I did some stretches. Pomodoro technique for the win! I am a stinky man. I need to shower soon.

Speaking of showers! I have this idea of getting a trailer and living in the trailer. That’s all fine and good. I live in my mental model of cyberspace anyway, so I don’t need an advanced shelter. I’m just wondering about a shower and a toilet. I gotta have those two things where I live, otherwise I’ll become a disgusting mess who doesn’t poop when he needs to poop.

Anyway, that’s something I gotta think about. It’s that reason that I think a trailer park makes a lot of sense. I could park at one which has full hookups and not have to move the trailer once it’s parked. There’s a bunch of tradeoffs with that. I think it would be a lot more noisy at a trailer park than it is where I live now. But it would be my own place and I’d enjoy a higher sense of freedom and autonomy. I’d have less shame when I hear people walking outside my apartment because those people would be my neighbors, not my parents.

Maybe it would be exactly the same. Maybe it would be worse, but I think overall it would improve the relationship I have with my parents because they would no longer be my landlords, the would just be my parents.

I haven’t had a strictly parent relationship with my parents for over a decade. They’ve been my landlords and my bosses for so long. I don’t even know what that would be like to just have them as my parents.

It would be good for me. There will be challenges but I’ll have a constant opportunity to grow.

I just gotta figure out a way to make enough money to buy a trailer. Maybe an RV? Anyway, that’ll take a lot of money that I don’t have now. It’ll take all the taxes, fees, maintenance, and insurance that it requires for that sort of thing. I bet there are expenses that I don’t even know about because I’ve never owned an RV or a trailer. It’ll be a learning experience for sure.

Or I suppose I could move to Japan. I could get an apartment there and in doing so, immerse myself into the culture that I want to learn more about. I hear that getting an apartment as a foreigner is more difficult than buying a house as a foreigner, but there are companies which can help with that sort of thing. it’s 2020! There are entire youtube channels dedicated to teaching foreigners how to live and work in Japan!

I have to be patient though. I can’t immediately reap rewards for something that I just started. I have to be patient and build a process which makes me happy and gives me an income. Then I have to save and plan and grow my processes and diversify and build up a momentum that is enough to help me transition to whatever lifestyle I choose.

I think there’s not a whole lot of reasons for staying local. There’s family and friends, but right now I feel so distant from them because of the ongoing pandemic. Basically, I could move and be just as connected as I am now!

I dunno. I want to learn Japanese, that’s for sure. I also want to stop being such a pussy when it comes to talking to strangers. Interacting with people can be fun and enjoyable, but I don’t allow myself to explore that avenue. I hide. I’m a complete social recluse!

Even if I try, I feel decades behind. I feel awkward. I feel alone and incapable of communicating properly.

I suppose I can look to video games for guidance and lessons. Squad leading on Wednesday for example. That was a great opportunity for growth, and I think I seized that opportunity with flying colors!

I’m having difficulty finding my notes that I took during my phone call with my therapist last week. I think my assignement contained two parts.

The first part is to answer Question #6 in the CoDA 30 questions list.

The second part is to come up with a way of motivating myself to attend CoDA meetings again.

The second part of the second part is to research other CoDA groups, and consider attending a group other than the one I have attended in the past.

I don’t wanna. I don’t want to go to CoDA. I want to quit going completely. Honestly. If I benefited from it, I would naturally be drawn to it. I’m not benefiting from it, so I don’t want to go. I don’t want to get on video chat because I have so many problems with audio delays, intermittent internet, not being able to read the room, not seeing everyone at once… I feel constrained by the less bandwidth conversation that is video chat.

Maybe those are all excuses. I have unlimited AT&T LTE internet now, so the crappy internet is no longer an issue. That issue aside, what is causing me to avoid the meetings?

I suppose it’s the problems CoDA brings up. I don’t want to focus on the issues that are evoked when I hear someone share a story about a situation that I can relate to. Parent problems. Problems dealing with family expectations, or expectations from peers. Shame.

And then there’s the issue of me not wanting to talk about these issues. I don’t want to share. I don’t want these people to know my weaknesses and later exploit them. I don’t want these people to understand me, because that would put me at equal ground as them.

I’m so superior to everybody else! My moral compass is better than everyone else’s. I accept and live by the non-aggression principle, and extend the principle not just to other humans, but to all animals!

I respect self ownership and property rights! I don’t need a government for these things, and I respect social contracts such as tokens of ownership because I appreciate them in my own life and want everyone else to have those same rights!

Fuck everyone else, I’m a superior being, one step away from ascending to a higher plane of existence! I’m the race in EVE online who uses science and rational thought as a pinnacle in their society! Fuck the plebs of the earth who operate without a consistent moral code!

I realize in writing this that I’m pretty much shouting. As if that’s the only way I can make my point. It’s like a preacher who is condemning those who he deems as sinners. I’m no better than sort of bigotry.

So I guess I’m a bigot. Or rather, I guess I share some deep seeded (seated?) behaviors that a stereotypical bigot would possess.

Labels aren’t very good because they often come with a bunch of preconceived notions about the labelee. I learned this about labels both in Quantum Psychology and in I Thought It Was Just Me. I never read the first book completely. I ended up gifting it to a YouTuber, Dale Decker, who seemed to get a good laugh out of it.

Anyway, the book was kind of difficult for me to read because there are so many concepts in it which I had no understanding of. Advanced philosophies and language topics which most people don’t encounter until they reach college and study liberal arts. I never made it that far in the educational system and I’m somewhat greatful for that.

Determinism, was it? Free will and metaphysics. I would like to get another copy of that book. It would make a good read after I finish Prometheus Rising.

But yeah, I’m grateful that I didn’t go to college because in doing so I avoided a lot of debt and the slavery that would come along with having such a high amount of debt. Yesterday I learned that even bankruptcy doesn’t clear away college debt! I think that’s just another means of control. An ensurance that the majority of the populous will work until just before they are dead. Prop up the politicians and the crooked bankers and the country’s image because that’s the role of the working class!

Fuck that. I choose freedom. Like actual freedom as defined in the early 1900s. So I suppose I should leave the country because freedom has been redefined to resemble servitude or deferred freedom. Individual freedom is replaced with societal freedom. You can achieve individual freedom if you have enough money and/or power. Once you have that, you are free to be a terrible human being, but it’s okay because of the class you’re in.

I’m getting into a topic that I don’t have a lot of knowledge on. I just have a lot of prejudice and anger in this topic. I think I’m going to steer away from this topic for now.

Back to the homework! I’m avoiding it. I avoid it every week. I like the DBT stuff I was doing. I like the Shame Resilience stuff I’m doing, but I don’t like CoDA. I can’t get past the fellowship stuff. It’s the same reason I can’t make going to the Spokane Buddhist Temple a habit. It’s an organized religion and I don’t want a part in that. I don’t want the responsibility of having to attend events, being elected to be a leader, or people calling me out of the blue.

I like my lack of a schedule and I like my peace and quiet. I don’t want dependents and I can’t afford that. I don’t want to be the person people come to with problems and shoulder those problems. I got enough problems of my own!

Ugh, I see a problem with this thinking. I want to have someone I can talk to about things, but I don’t want people to talk to me about their issues. I don’t think that’s what’s really going on in my avoidance of CoDA.

I don’t know what it is. When I’m sitting at that table at CoDA and I feel the urge to tell part of my story, I’m immediately faced with the fear that people will become closer to me. Stay the fuck away! Stay 12 feet away from me at all times! Don’t touch me! Don’t look at me!

I think it’s a control issue. I don’t want to be a part of a group because I can’t control the group. When I’m Squad Leader, I am in control. If I cam not barking out orders, I am not doing a good job as a squad leader.

That’s why I like Squad leading. Or rather, that’s why I think I want to be a squad leader, and that’s why I want to get better at it. It is difficult and challenging and stressful and can be overwhelming, but I want to do it because I like the idea of being in control. Is that it? Is that what makes a good leader? Is that why I don’t want to go to CoDA? Do I avoid it because I don’t like the idea of giving up control?

I think that might be it. I think that’s why my best friends have always been people who are submissive of me. Between the two of us, I’m usually the leader. Even though I tend to be attracted to friends who are more open with their feelings, I think I naturally take lead. Wow, I never really thought of this. Is it really an issue of control?

The person I want to be is a good leader, and aware of his emotions. He has a healthy balance. CoDA brings up all sorts of topics of shame and fear, and I don’t like that. Everyone around the table is equal and can share their issues without comment from the others, and I don’t like that. I want to share my problems and have people flock to me with their solutions which they will offer me at no cost to me!

Oh yuck. I’m disgusted with myself. I feel guilty. These ideals are things which I loath in other people, and I’m discovering that I possess them too!

Disgust and guilt. These are the feelings that are evoked when I realize I just want to be in control of other people.

Well it’s not like I’m an asshole when I Squad Lead. I’m respectful in most cases. I have urges to behave inappropriately, as I described in yesterday’s post when I had the urge to act violently to a teammate who I had been humiliated by.

Well I guess awareness is the first step to overcoming. I’m now aware that I possess these control patterns and feelings of superiority. It’s hard to talk about them because I don’t want to feel the shame of other people knowing that I feel this way. I think a lot of these control behaviors are generally frowned upon.

I want to be a good leader though! Teams need leaders! I can’t not try and be a good leader because of the bad extremes that one can exhibit when trying to control a group. Is it really control though? Or rather, is it necessary to control when being a leader? I think there is some control, but there’s also a lot of consideration for what the team needs. There’s a lot of coordination required to get what the team needs to be successful. It’s not all about control. A lot has to do with communication, and often times empathy.

“Squad leader, we need ammo.”

“Fuck you, get your own ammo!” Is a great example of a response that would not be empathetic.

To be clear, I don’t say that to my squadmates. I recognize that they need ammo to do their job, and that it’s my job to get them what they need to do their job. It’s my job to request a supply run from another squad, or assign a squadmate to drive a logi back to the main base and get us the ammo we need to be successful.

I keep coming back to Squad for examples. I suppose it’s not a bad thing. I suppose I use Squad because it is made up of the most challenging social interactions that I know of.

Ok then. I suppose I did some research on why I don’t want to go to CoDA. With that out of the way, I will move on to answering question #6 in the CoDA 30 questions list.

Read Chapter One, pages 7-11. With the help of a loving Higher Power, the program of CoDA, and those who join us on this journey, each of us can experience the hope of recovery. What are the promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous? Why is codependency hard to recognize? Why is it important to replace denial & control with acceptance? What experience are you seeking in CoDA recovery?

Fuck these long assignments. Keep it fucking simple, you smucks!

Wow, I wrote almost 6000 words today. Well, not technically today, but this waking period.

I could stop right now and be at my target word count for the day. But I won’t! I haven’t finished my assignment.

I read the pages in the CoDA book. I’ve been thinking about CoDA shit. So I suppose I can answer the questions now.

The promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous are … Did I read that? I don’t know what the promises are. Healthy relationships? I think that’s really the only promise. But it’s not like it’s a gift that I get if I stick with the program. I have to work at it, and place aside any denials that I have. I have to accept that I am co-dependent and that I suffer from it. I have to accept that there is love and belonging if I let down my guard, open up and share my story. I have to let people into my life and be willing to be apart of other’s lives.

The promise is the hope of recovery and a peaceful and joyful life.

The answer to the question was on page 13. I think question #6 should say pages 7-13, not 7-11.

Co-dependence is hard to recognize because it’s completely fucking natural! Probably everyone experiences codependency at some point. A lot of people don’t need Codependents Anonymous because the problems which come up from their codependency is not to the point where it is debilitating. Basically, codependency is a made up social construct and that is why it’s hard to recognize. But no really, people get into behavioral patterns with each other that can be considered codependent, but that’s just how they go through life and survive. So it’s just completely natural and may or may not be a problem for an individual and thus not reflected on. That’s my answer.

It is important to replace denial & control with acceptance because acceptance means letting go. It means giving up the control that is so desirable and seemingly powerful.

The experience I’m seeking in CoDA recovery is … STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!

I have a wall up when it comes to CoDA. I see the benefits from breaking down that wall, so I guess the experience I’m seeking right now is to knock a hole in that wall and see what it’s like to squeeze through it. I basically want to find the joy that is in social interaction, and lessen the pain I feel from doing so.

OK DONE! No more homework, no more writing. I’m outta here, outy five thousand! Seeya, nerds!

63. I choose to let the past go and move on to the future.
64. Today, I will be courageous.
65. I release all fear from my mind.

I’m grateful for FOOD. I really really really really really really really really really really really LIKE FOOD! I am going to make some FOOD now! I am HUNGEE! I like food because I like to eat and chew and swallow and digest and poop. And I like having energy. And caffeine is good too sometimes, although it’s easy for me to overdo it on the caffeine!

I’m grateful for caffeine. Nah, that’s too easy. I did that in the previous gratefulness thingy.

I’m grateful for USPS! I can just put a box in my mailbox and the mail carrier just comes by once a day except for Sundays and collects it! So super convenient and the basis and the dependency for my online business!

I’m grateful for ink, I guess? I’m grasping at straws and I really wanna get off the computer and make some food, so I’m just picking random things that I see around me! I truly am grateful for ink, though. I think my favorite two inks are fountain pen ink, and thermal ink. Although is thermal ink really an ink? I dunno. But basically thermal ink works by being impregnated into the paper itself. Or is it the paper itself and there really is no ink? I don’t really know. Anyway, thermal paper is really great because it means I don’t have to buy ink for my thermal label printer. I just have to buy one thing– paper! It’s also an ink that doesn’t smear at all. It’s probably because it isn’t technically ink! Again, I don’t know the physics of it, but it’s nice that it’s impossible to smear and it holds up pretty well in most environments! That is of course, as long as it’s not a hot environment!

The last type of ink I’m most greatful for is fountain pen ink. I really love writing with my fountain pen! Ink is a prerequisite for that, and I have really been enjoying my Diamine Ancient Copper!


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