Fri Aug 14 2020

ahahahahaha I didn’t finish yesterday’s post or even write about CBT or CoDA. I’m going to start with CBT today.

OK I did module 4.

I woke up this morning and I was so tired. I had a tired face, even hours after waking up.

I picked and packed the 1 eBay order of about a $25 value, then walked it out to the mailbox along with the garbage can. Friday is garbage day.

I walked a few laps around the backyard firepit before I felt the need to poop. I went inside and took care of that, then I figured it was around 9:25 and I would do something else until 10AM when the Seattle Betsuin Buddhist Temple stream occurs.

I fixed my ebay-last-call program which failed to alert me of the 8:30AM shipping cutoff time this morning. Apparently it was due to a new npm module I added to the dependencies, node-config. That module looks for a config folder in the root of the working directory. If the config folder does not exist, it throws a warning.

In the ebay-last-call systemd logs, I was seeing the warning that said the /config folder was missing. When I manually ran index.js from the ~/Documents/ebay-last-call directory, I saw no such warning. Because of this, I determined the cause was that systemd’s working directory was not the same as when I manually run index.js.

A warning isn’t enough to make the process fail. Rather, the systemd Execution was exiting with with 0 (successful) error code. Even though systemd was interpreting that there was no failure, neither my weather report subroutine nor the subroutine which plays an audible tone had received the parameters they needed to run.

The weather subroutine requires a location (Spokane, WA,) degree type (F,) and the audible tone subroutine requires a chime sound file (~/.local/share/ebay-last-call/airbus-chime.wav.) Both subroutines were getting passed, undefined. This is why I was hearing nothing when I should be hearing a chime followed by a weather report.

I figured I had two choices to fix this problem. I could add an ExecutionDirectory=”…” directive to the systemd script, or I could eliminate the need for ebay-last-call to be executed from the same directory that index.js exists at.

I figured that the latter option would be more favorable, because the former would require that I programmatically fill in the ExecutionDirectory=”…” directive in my installer. I could just type an absolute path, but what if someone else is installing this program on their computer, or what if I install this on a new computer and I want to have a different username? This is something I would have to program to change dynamically, based on where the program exists on the computer.

I suppose there might have been a certain bit of laziness which went into the decision, but I went with the other option because I can’t think of many quality, main-stream software programs which require the user to execute from a specific directory. I didn’t want such a requirement on working directory.

I found out that node-config reads environment variable NODE_CONFIG_DIR when it runs, and from it, determins where to read configuration data.

 * index.js
 * This is the file that gets called once per day by systemd.
const path = require('path');
process.env.NODE_CONFIG_DIR = path.join(__dirname, 'config');
const config = require('config');


Just like that, the problem was solved, and now index.js can be executed from any working directory.

What’s happening here is that I first require the path module. This is just a convenience thing, so I can make use of path.join().

The second thing that happens is I set process.env.NODE_CONFIG_DIR to path.join(__dirname, 'config').

when resolved, path.join returns, “/home/chris/Documents/ebay-last-call/config” which is the folder that contains a file default.json:

  "location": "Spokane, WA",
  "degreeType": "F",
  "chimeSound": "~/.local/share/ebay-last-call/airbus-chime.wav"

Finally, the config module is instantiated.

const config = require('config');

The config module does it’s thing, reads the paths specified in the NODE_CONFIG_DIR, and populates the config object for later use.

I got that all squared away, then it was 10AM and time for SBT. I was so tired I was having a hard time keeping my head up. I tried to lay my head on my desk but that’s so uncomfortable that I couldn’t do it for more than a few seconds! I was excited to chant, so I did my best to stay awake.

We chanted Shoshinge, after which I went on youtube to chant Hanjusan. My energy levels were so low that I struggled to hold a tone. I went back to sleep immediately after.

I woke up at around 2PM. I took my vitamins and had some oatmeal. The oatmeal was pretty nasty today. I think there was some bugs or something in the last of the walnuts.

I’m out of walnuts 🙁

I think I might try to get food stamps again. I’m struggling to be okay with buying food because I compare the food expense to my income, and it doesn’t make sense to buy any food at all. The income is too low!

Yikes. Well, maybe I’m having one of those moments where I’m distorting reality. Maybe I think I’m sooo pooor, but my eBay is doing okay. I had an $89 sale, and I had a $53 sale this week. And there were a few $4 and $6 sales in there.

I spent $20 on food this week. That’s the only purchase I made this week.

I am going to hang in there. The second covy stimulus check will arrive at the end of Aug or the start of Sep. I just have to come up with rent money. I need to make about $200 to supplement the $250 that I have in crypto assets.

I could always beg my mom for food, or go to second harvest food bank, or something like that.

I’d rather provide enough value to my community that such a thing isn’t necessary. I’d rather support myself.

I think I was so tired this morning because of the hard bicycle rides I had the past few days.

I rode to the grocery store one day, and loaded up a backpack full of food. Then yesterday I rode hard down to FedEx Office, dropped the package off, then rode hard to Terrace View park. That was a really fun ride! I liked how I zipped through the parking lot at Fred Meyer. There were a bunch of cars doing their thing, and I acted like I was a car myself and kept up with everybody and weaved through the lot back to Sprague.

I read a book to myself at Terrace View.

The Fungi from Yuggoth by H.P. Lovecraft. It’s not an official printing. I dunno if it’s public domain or not, but this baller Austin Addams made this thin book which contains the complete cycle of 36 sonnets composed by legendary horror, science fiction, and dark fantasy author Howard Philips Lovecraft.

I can’t understand most of what I read, but I get a kick out of how so many lines rhyme. Apparently this book was originally written by H.P. Lovecraft in about a month. It’s like a NaNoWriMo!

“prepare yourself, for strange dreams await you.”

LOL, not really. I can’t even understand what I’m reading, so my brain probably can’t make any dreams from it.

I remember when I used to read as a kid, I would see visual images of the concepts I read about. I don’t get that anymore.

I think that is imagination. I think it requires a certain level of brain elasticity, the same elasticity that goes away at a certain age.

I think our society doesn’t value that elasticity very much. The elasticity, the individual uniqueness, is beat out of kids.

That’s an uncomfortable topic for me to get into.

That topic forces me confront the reality of my past. I was young and wild and ambitious, and my ambition was never supported by my family. It wasn’t supported by friends or school teachers or anybody!

It was always, “do this thing that other people have done.”

I’m not being fair. I was given a chance to be a 3D modeler/animator. My parents bought expensive software for me so I could get ahead.

The problem with that was that I didn’t know how to handle stress or anxiety. I would start working on a 3d model and I’d get extremely fearful about not being able to create on the computer what I had in mind.

My coping mechanism was to avoid those uncomfortable feelings. I would avoid doing the work because it caused me such stress.

It’s a shame, because I was considered gifted.

If only therapy wasn’t this thing with so much stigma surrounding it. If therapy was this good helpful thing that will help me get what I want, I might have gone to it. If only therapy wasn’t this expensive thing that my parents didn’t have to think about, they might have suggested it more often.

If I could go back and do things over again, I’d go into therapy when I entered middle school. I’d go every fucking week for my entire life. I’d crush anxiety to the point where I could speak to strangers, get girls, and land a job.

I’d be so… normal.

How boring.

That’s why I don’t want to go back. I would have been so boring.

I’d be married, have a house, and have two kids by now. I wonder if I’d still be Mormon?

No, I would not be Mormon. My dad ruined that religion for me regardless of whether or not I had gone to therapy. In my mind, that religion is forever associated with tribal warmongering, bigotry, and hatred. The Mormon god loves his followers, hates and wants to kill everyone else.

I need to rephrase a statement in that last paragraph. My dad did nor ruin the mormon church for me. I personally made the choice to leave, based on my experience with the mormon church and it’s doctrine.

I have to make that clarification because of what I just learned in module 4 of CBT Shy No Longer. People or the situation aren’t the cause of my feelings. My feelings are caused by my thoughts in reaction to the situation. Some of those thoughts can be automatic, and unhelpful. It’s up to me to change those unhelpful thoughts where necessary.

I’m still apostate, though. Don’t forget it!

11:28 PM. I did stuff today, like eBay and jogging and eating and I actually swept my floor at one point.

I played three rounds of Squad. I hesitate to call it playing, because I’m really stressed out when I play. I get into these intense situations where it’s me vs. 5 enemy, and my body dumps adrenaline. It’s a terrible feeling and I think I need to come up with a new hobby. I need to play games that are fun and challenging, but not a full on BATTLE where I feel threatened.

Maybe I’ll play Roller Coaster more often, or Transport Tycoon, or some other game that is similar to those two. Ehh, those actually feel like work sometimes.

Still, they’re probably better than playing Squad. I can chill out on RCT2, unlike Squad.

I have checkmarks on all my things on my daily progress chart except for authenticity, japanese, and yoga.

Social is only half filled in. I played Squad and talked to people, but it’s not the kind of social interaction that feels like social interaction. Everybody has their role and they just kinda do their job. it’s not like the kind of talking where people get to know eachother or anything like that.

Fuck, what a waste of time Squad is. Why am I playing it alone? I mean there are strangers playing too, but I don’t make friends. Any friend requests I get on Steam, I delete a few days later because I don’t want relationships.

I don’t want relationships! It’s so completely true.

I think I’ll watch another Japanese Ammo with Misa video. They’re pretty good and I always learn something.

I think I need to get up and walk or something. I’ve been sitting for hours while I played Squad.

I think I’ll take a break then do some yoga, then watch a Japanese Ammo with Misa vid, then chill out with Anime or RCT2 before I head to bed.

Affirmation time, because I don’t do that enough.

25. Every day, in every way, I am becoming better and better
26. I am a good person.
27. I keep going because I believe in myself.

Damn straight!

I wonder when my Buyee packages are going to start showing up. I have 3 in transit now. It’s going to be a change of pace to keep up with the products that arrive about ever 3 weeks. I’m excited!

Gratitude time!

I’m grateful for USPS because they pick up my packages from my mailbox and they bring me packages and put them in my mailbox.

I’m grateful for electricity because it’s how I power my computer and my kitchen appliances. I like to eat warm food and I like to preserve my food by keeping it cool

I’m grateful for Discord (ew discord) because I can chat with people and communicate with one of my ebay customers LOL.

K bye

oh yeah ekushierushia!

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