Fri Dec 11 2020

I’m feeling really anxious today. I’m getting totally triggered by someone chopping wood outside. They’ve been going at it all afternoon, and just keep going. It’s 6:50 well after dark (sunset was at 4) and every few minutes I hear a loud thud.

I’ve got a knot in my stomach from the anxiety whoever it is is going to hear what I say in my apartment, or hear what I’m listening to. I did my eBay work for the day, all while listening to Ironmouse’s stream. I think her stream was causing further anxiety because she’s playing RAFT with friends. It’s not a chill stream at all. She’s getting attacked by sharks every few minutes, she’s nearly dying from starvation or thirst, Zentreya is dying every few minutes… Fuck, I’m stressed out for the strangest reasons today.

I got a minimal amount of exercise this morning. 20 laps around the backyard firepit nature trail.

I took on my DPC in reverse order today. Maybe that’s why I feel so anxious today? Also I took a 5 hour nap today. I think I might be oversleeping. I think I’m all caught up on sleep from yesterday’s sleep, so today’s sleep was just over the top.

I thought about making tea. I thought that somehow some caffeine might help me, but then halfway through boiling the water I figured that caffeine would just make the situation worse.

I’m feeling almost angry… I think I need to burn some calories.

Running in place might do the trick. I’m super tense in my legs and my neck. Yoga could help, but usually when I’m brooding, yoga is not possible because I get ticked off by the mood that yoga is all about. Surrendering, being kind to myself, letting go and observing the body…

The yogi headspace is pure gasoline for a tense, strictly logical thinking body.

I think this is all just a byproduct of my hibernation mode. Winter solstice is 1 1/2 week away, thank goodness for that. I want more sun in my life!

It sounds like the wood chopping has ended. When it was still going, I kept trying to calm myself by reminding myself that whoever is out there is not my god. I can say, “fuck” and listen to snarky, lewd girls on say, “fuck” and “shit” and make dirty jokes, and that’s completely fine. That’s what I do. That’s what I like.

For fucks sake, I spoke too soon. I hear voices and walking and more loud thuds outside. I want to hide.

It’s moments like this where… I don’t even know. I’m just hoping that I get left alone at this point. Do your thing, then move along, but please leave me alone and don’t contact me. That’s what I’m wishing right now.

I would be too scared to meditate right now, even though that’s what I think I need in order to get out of this shitty mental state. I need meditation and the reminder that I am going to be dead someday. I need a reminder of who I am and who I’ve chosen as my god. I need the time and the method for focused observation on myself, physically and mentally.

I started practicing Maka Hannya Haramita Shingyo sutra chanting recently.

I’ve got a lot of respect for this group. I can’t see a single book or note paper or anything in this video, which means that all the participants have the entire sutra memorized. That’s really incredible.

I’ve been chanting Hanjusan for months and I don’t have it memorized. There’s a few passages here and there which I’ve got memorized, but there’s no way I could chant the whole thing without peeking at the words.

I’m finally feeling more calm. I think this journalling is what did the trick. I still hear people outside every now and then, but I’m calm enough to where I can do detective work.

  • If someone barges in to my apartment without knocking, I have every right to be mad.
  • I can do what I want to do in here, and I don’t have to wait for approval.
  • If someone barges in, I don’t have to quickly put on a mask and be nice and see what they want and do everything I can do to help.
  • I do not serve whoever it is outside. It is not my job to appease them and act how I think they would want me to act.
  • I don’t have to act how anybody wants me to act, even if they were to tell me I offended them.

I should note that I have the fear of someone telling me that I offended them. My instinct would be to apologize immediately and do what I can do to fix the situation. In reality, if I’m just being myself and I happen to offend them, their relationship with me might not be worth maintaining.

If I say, “fuck” and someone gets offended, I don’t want to be around that person. I wouldn’t apologize, I would instead say, “did I offend you?”

they might say, “yes.”

I would say, “is it the sound or the meaning that offends you?”

They would think and say, “the meaning.”

I would ask, “What about the act of the creation of life offends you?”

They would get confused, descend into cognitive dissonance, and their head would explode.

Bruh, I’m lonely. I have sustained loneliness for a long time. I do not feel like I’m a part of anything important. I feel like I serve only the niche of the nichest of niche markets.

I sell obscure Japanese trading cards and I make $20 a week if I’m lucky. I’m… not doing well!

I played video games with friends last night, but I got upset with the performance of the game. I was getting huge frame drops, it was dark in the game, there was extra snow particles everywhere because the game devs wanted to celebrate the holiday…

I raged at one point when S. was complaining that P. and I were sitting in the boat while he and the other S. were extinquishing the flames on the stricken fishing boat…

“This is like a fucking epilepsy simulator! Flashing lights everywhere, I can’t get near the boat without being burned by flames, I can’t climb the ladder because it’s so laggy… This is DUMB!”

In hindsight, I would have liked to use I statements rather than stating everything as if it were fact. I have not raged like that in a long while. I shame spiraled after that, because I let my emotions get out of check. I let S.’s words affect me so negatively, and I went on the attack because I felt like I had to defend myself.

I didn’t have to defend myself in that moment. Was S. the boss? No, we went on this rescue mission as equals. So he’s getting upset that P. and I are not helping is him getting upset about nothing important. So what? We’re playing a fucking game. The game is super laggy and my inputs are not registering properly and the framerate is terribly inconsistent and the game is not optimized for such a situation.

Earlier, I was trying to see if I could adjust my video settings to compensate for the terrible performance, by disabling anti aliasing or turning down particle effects.

Anti-aliasing changes had no effect, and there is no particle effects setting. I think if this performance thing happens in the future, it’s a good sign that it’s time to close the game, rather than continuing to play.

I could say something like, “I’m not feelin’ this. It could be my network or my computer, but this is really hard to bear and I don’t want to continue like this.”

… And then my codependent friends are going to scramble to fix it… Fuck.

Ok so maybe I need to be more clear. If I’m choosing to bail out no matter what they do, I think it would be better if I just say, “I have to go now.”

“we just got started!”

“yes but I’m not feeling it. Later.”

Crispy disconnected from the server

I just caught myself about to open a new tab and go to HackerNews.

I’ve been really good about refraining from feeds ever since yesterday or the day before when I had the idea of completely avoiding feeds unless it’s an intentional thing that I’m deciding to do during a pomodoro session.

I even closed Ironmouse’s stream when I was done with eBay work for the day. As I mentioned earlier, it was a stressful stream and my anxiety was unbearably high, so that made it a lot easier to do.

Holy fuck, I’m really calm now. Coincidentally, there haven’t been any noises outside for several minutes. Also the journalling…

It’s incredible how a thought of SHAME just builds and builds.

Today it was the anxiety that someone other than me would hear Ironmouse swearing from inside my apartment.

It’s completely bonkers that I don’t have any problems with swearing if it’s just me listening to it. But I have every problem with someone who isn’t me hearing me listening to someone on the internet swearing.

From a scientific standpoint of sound waves and ear holes, it’s completely illogical.

This is codependency, however. I have the fear of what? What do I fear? I fear someone barging into my apartment and yelling at me with puritain propaganda and shaming me for wanting to hear a cute girl with a high-pitched voice say lewd and naughty words as she converses with her friends while playing a video game.

There’s really only one person who I fear would do this– my father. I mean, anybody could barge in because I don’t lock my door, but it’s my father that I’m fearful of. He’s old now. Physically I could kick his ass and I know nothing about martial arts.

It used to be different. I used to fear my dad using his highschool wrestling or college football tactics to attack me. The one time when he did use his wrestling moves on me, I went limp and just let him do whatever it was he was going to do. That was almost 20 years ago and he was slow even then… I would kick his ass in an instant now…

That’s not what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid of him just being verbally upset with me. Like the time during windstorm 2015 or whatever year…

But that was when he was my god. That was when my life was meaningless unless he gave me his approval. I’m way beyond that now.

That’s it for now.

conclusion speech

80. Yesterday was a bad day, not a bad life. I will choose to dance in the rain.
79. I am not the only one who struggles; I choose to be kind to everyone I meet.

22. Namo Amida Butsu

I’m grateful for psychedelic mushrooms because they open my mind to what I’ve forgotten.

I’m grateful for the serenity prayer because it’s so relevant to everything ever.

I’m grateful for the positive quotes that I pin on my wall from people who have had good ideas because they inspire me and help me to continue my task.

pizza pie

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