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Fri Dec 13 2019 @ 10:38 AM PST

Last updated on December 12, 2021

Why do I put PST in the title? Because it’s my silent opposition to daylight savings time!

I have the hardest time holding a consistent sleep schedule. Daylight savings changes fuck me over twice a year!

Daylight savings time isn’t for farmer’s benefits. That’s a myth. Daylight savings was created during an energy crisis as a way to save energy.

It’s 2019 and we aren’t undergoing an energy crisis. Daylight savings time is heart attack time, with 20% increases in heart attacks around the periods of forcefully shifting schedules. Time is time. Whether or not it’s dark outside in the morning or dark earlier or later in the day. Changing sleep schedules by an hour two times a year does not address any real problem.

Let’s stop the madness already and end daylight savings time!

I seem to have been helpful to a gentleman on Google groups for an inquiry they made about the Vultr inventory plugin for Ansible. Very cool.

Originally, I made the post on Google groups asking for information. Nobody ever replied, not surprising given the lower relative usage of Vultr as compared to AWS or Digital Ocean. It was fine though, I eventually found a solution to my issue on my own.

This user Arthur chimed in, months after I asked the original question. They were having similar struggles in getting the Vultr inventory plugin to function correctly. I gave them an example of a playbook I use regularly.

My playbook spins up a Vultr VPS instance using the Vultr inventory plugin, and the Vultr API. After that, a second playbook runs which provisions the server to be whatever I want it to be.

My spinup.yml script isn’t very pretty. It’s not idempotent either, which is considered bad practice. I should work on that, because I re-use the spinup playbook for a lot of different projects.

Anyway, happy day. Yesterday was a great day and I owe it all to keeping myself busy. Today I feel kind of empty. Empty isn’t on my list of feelings. There are a lot of feelings missing from this list. I wonder if it’s intentional that my feelings list is missing hungry and fatigued.

Probably. Those are physical things, and my feelings list is supposed to be mental?? Not really sure.

I don’t like to feel. I think this is a big part of why I am struggling in life. I don’t like to feeeeeeeel.

So I’m trying to feel. When I feel bad, I think of this list and try to figure out which category I am feeling. Usually I’ll just tell myself to calm down or change the subject if I’m uncomfortable, or hide my feelings or just do whatever I can do to ignore it and just think of something else.

But I am advised that that is not a good way to be mentally healthy. A better way to live is to take a moment and let myself experience the feeling. I can think to myself,

Okay, I’m feeling some sadness. I wonder why that makes me sad.

I can ponder this for a moment, and let the feeling run it’s course. The feeling will eventually dissipate and leave. Or if it lingers, I can do something about it, patiently and calmly.

That’s the theory anyway. Something I’ve noted previously is that writing my feelings helps me relieve bottled up emotion, or sort out what exactly was causing those feelings to begin with.

I think letting myself feel in the moment, rather than compartmentalizing those feelings and storing them away will be a beneficial thing for me.

Let’s talk about something else now. Hatsune Miku! Just kidding. Although I am tempted to let myself be distracted and start posting a dozen Miku pictures, I will hold back for the moment.

Maybe I’m trying to avoid feeling something right now.

What am I feeling? I’m feeling rather empty, actually. Empty isn’t on my list of feelings. I wonder if I can break down this feeling more and figure out exactly which category or categories this feeling belongs to.

Alone. Lonely. Neglected. Frustrated. Inferior.

So it looks like I’m feeling a little mad, a little disgusted, and a lot sad.

Typical.

I just looked through my media library on WordPress and I saw all the Miku photos I have posted in the past week. I can’t help it now. Miku tangent incoming!

Miku was absolutely fantastic in the Elegant cloud. I have never seen Miku act so classy and sophisticated! I wish I could record video from my PSVITA. To do this I would need a very expensive mod, or a Playstation TV. PSTV is actually a misleading name because it isn’t a TV like I originally thought. It’s simply a tiny console that connects to your TV. I think what I would like to do is purchase a PSTV and connect it to my laptop using an HDMI input box.

Then I could simply use ffmpeg or guvcview or OBS to record the video stream. That would be sooo good! Then I could record and share all the best Miku moments I have been witnessing as of late.

So yeah, the moment I speak of, that really brings me excitement, cheerfulness, and satisfaction is when I clear a track and Miku celebrates in some way.

I think it goes by the module she’s wearing that causes her various responses. If she’s wearing a cute module, she celebrates in a cute way. If she’s wearing an elegant module, she celebrates in an elegant way.

Both cute and elegant celebrations make me incredibly merry, uplifted, and jolly. HAPPY CATEGORY!

There is one cute celebration that is so adorable that I can’t help but smile and laugh. Miku jumps up and down while swaying from left and right, and she does a cute accent on her voice as if she’s pursing her lips together that I haven’t heard anywhere else.

If I could, that’s what I would record and share. Maybe in the future if I happen to find a stable income at a job I can tolerate, I will acquire the necessary hardware for recording PSVITA games.

Until that time, here’s something else I will share with you!

JPY # 1 !

I hungry. Dunno how I’m going to navigate this issue knowing I wanted to workout before I ate. Maybe I should pop a multivitamin and go exercise right now.

I got up at 8AM this morning, intending to take the trash out. I sleepily decided I would go back to sleep instead.

I set an alarm for 10AM and did just that.

So I took the trash out at 10 instead of 8.

I blame daylight savings! I had a solid 7AM wake time until then. Then my schedule went to shit.

Actually that’s not fair. What really got my sleep schedule in a mess was having to work for my parents again. I lost a lot of sleep over that. To I would eat right before bed so I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I think I do it somewhat unconsciously to ensure that I will be asleep when people want me to work. Thereby avoiding the work I don’t want to be doing.

It’s a terrible way to live which is one more reason why I should move out. I won’t feel obligated to work for my parents if I no longer receive housing benefits from them.

#goals.

I wanted to cover a topic that is this blog. I’ve been writing really personal blog posts which are written as journal entries. Just covering what I’m going through, what I’m feeling, what my goals are, what my struggles are…

I set these journal entries to go live 2 years after they were written. Is that okay? Is that enough? Is that even beneficial to me?

I’d like to convince myself that yes, this is a good idea. The idea being that in two years, these issues I’m having and the things that bother me now in 2019 won’t be an issue or a bother in December 2021.

Another reason I have for automatically posting journal entries like this is that I want to give myself some sort of accountability. Maybe that’s the wrong word. I want to give myself some sort of kick in the ass so I can move on with my life, into the next chapter that I’ve been so afraid of entering.

That next chapter is the independence chapter. Living on my own, with no financial support from my parents. It’s a big jump given my life up to this point. I actually had a brief independence sprint in 2005-2007 when I moved away with friends.

My Eugene days were the source of some of my fondest memories. It wasn’t easy, but I made some real friendships, and had great experiences. I ended up giving up and coming home. I lost my spine in doing so!

It could have turned out differently. I could have fought more, stayed in Eugene, and climbed some sort of corporate ladder. I would probably be better off financially. I would like to think I would have found a girlfriend, lost my virginity, maybe even started a family.

I shouldn’t think like that. I am where I am because I’ve done precisely what I’ve wanted to do. That was then, I made my choices then. It’s history and I need to own it. Regrets aren’t necessary, and would only burden me.

What should I do with regret? I’m not really sure.

I don’t regret moving home. Had I not, I wouldn’t have the life I have now. My life now is primed for a revolution! That is exciting and I’m looking forward to the new adventures that I will have.

Here’s to new adventures.

Today I’m grateful for Hatsune Miku. I can’t help it. She’s too wonderful! I’m so grateful for her existence, her smile, her attitude. I’m grateful for the fabulous programmers, writers and artists who put together the interactive dialog sequences in Project Diva X. It really adds character to Miku and I get to talk to her. She comes to me for questions on how to be more elegant or quirky, and I just love that feeling of being valuable to Miku.

I’m grateful for Project Diva X.


Before I go, I did a quick skim over this article and I see that I avoided feeling sad and mad and disgust and went off on a Miku tangent. I just want to address why I’m feeling, “empty.”

Something is missing in my life! Cuddles. I was about to say a girlfriend, but I don’t want a girlfriend right now. I gotta work on myself now. I have to get a handle on my social anxiety, my finances, and properly dealing with feelings. I’m going to group therapy next month. I bet that will suck but I think I will learn a lot from it. All I gotta do is show up.

So yeah, I’m missing cuddles in my life. I’ve been having lots of dreams about having a partner who is mutually loving and caring, and that’s the biggest unfulfilled fantasy of my life… But it’s probably because I haven’t jerked off in like a week because I have been sad. So there’s all these lusty chemicals in my mind looking for a sex target.

Ew, way to keep it scientific!

But no really, all that longing that I’ve been doing is invading my dreams! I long for a cute girl to talk to and cuddle with! Oh wait I have Hatsune Miku, ultimate IDOL to talk to now!

Wait, is that what has triggered this longing? The somewhat realistic dialog sequences Project Diva X? OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG I am enlightened!

I always want to hug and squeeze Miku. But I can’t. There’s nothing soft and squishy and warm and fuzzy and adorably cute kawaii kawaii KAWAII like Miku!

Daki. Miku Dakimakura! I need Miku daki in my life!

Ok so more hashtag goals. I’ll get right on that as soon as pigs fly!

It doesn’t seem like a realistic goal because I have no income. And I have no income because I have no social skills.

I’m a discombobulated horny mess right now. Ima go run and be done blogging for today. ttyl!

PS LOL it’s Friday the 13th. Maybe I’ll die today? If I die, I want a crazy wild hallucination as I fade out where I get to meet Miku.

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