Fri Dec 27 2019 @ 10:50 AM PST

I thought I had therapy today. I went to FBH and checked in, only to discover that I was a week early! The receptionist wrote down my next two appointments on a card.

My clinician told me that I had an appointment next week. Two days ago was Christmas, and that really felt like a weekend! Then I worked on Thursday doing some painting and landscaping, then came today, Friday!

It felt like next week already. On my way home, I stopped to gas up my Suburban. I laughed at myself because I realized that my clinician told me next week… On Monday!

So funny!

I came home and did some training. 20 laps, 20 sprints, 20 burpees, 40 axe throws, 60 axe chops, 100 squats. That may seem like a lot, but I spread it all out over those 20 laps. And I paced myself. I think I was out there for an hour and 15 minutes.

I like to keep my training interesting. If it’s boring, I may give up early. I just keep myself entertained and push on forward.

There’s something I figured out when I started training. If an exercise is hard, don’t hesitate.

Go slow and don’t hesitate.


I think this is a good mantra to live by. Hard things are going to be instantly harder if I allow myself to pause and think about it. I’ll come up with all sorts of scenarios about how it will fail. How it will not work out. How I can’t do it.

Going slow is a remedy for not being confident. I’m not confident I can do 5 more squats, so I just do one squat, slowly. Then I get past that one squat and I know I can do one, so I can probably do one more. Then I just continue that trend of going slow and not hesitating.

I think I can apply this mantra to social anxiety. I’m afraid to make a call? I can go slow as I talk, and don’t hesitate to call.

It’s a process.

BRB, making food.

I’ve been getting butt zits. I think I need to do something about the chair I sit on most of the time. It’s just a wooden chair from my parent’s old kitchen table. I should probably invest in a good computer chair. I was about to say decent computer chair, but I know the selection of decent computer chairs pretty much means I’d be buying cheap Chinese crap which is going to last a year then fall apart.

I can’t stand cheap tools, or cheap equipment! It’s really not worth the time or energy to cheap out on such things.

I gotta spend a good $300 on a chair. And cost is not the most important factor. Quality is the most important factor.

Who do I think I am? $300 is a month’s wages right now!

Ok then, alternative option. I should visit a used office furniture store and select something high quality that still has lots of life left in it.

Davis Office Furniture in Spokane is one of my favorite places to buy furniture. Not that I do such a thing very often… In the past I would buy furniture for work more than I would for home.

Anyway, the furniture I have bought for myself has been hit or miss. I bought a kneeling computer chair once. That was cheap Chinese crap and I regret that purchase!

I also bought a MIDI keyboard stand from ebay once. That was the cheapest Chinese crap I have ever bought. It stank so bad. Something to do with the paint or the base material… I threw it away immediately and never got any use out of it.

I will never buy cheap eBay furniture again. I regret that MIDI keyboard stand so much! Now that I think about it, I don’t think it was even stable on the floor. What a piece of shit that was.

Stories like these are the same reason I don’t buy cheap multimeters. I only buy Fluke now!

I am about to eat my last miso soup packet so I want to get some more coming. I am wondering if $70 for 100 packets of instant miso soup is a good deal? 3 packets at fred meyer cost $3.99. At that rate, 100 packets would cost $131.67! So I guess it is worth buying bulk miso!

I’m tempted to drop that $70 so I can have something to use as a quick meal.

I could even take that with me in a thermos or something. I don’t have a thermos! I should get one. Fuck, that’s more money I don’t have.

I suppose I should check YNAB to see if I have the funds for $70 worth of miso soup.

Apparently, I do. I guess I should be looking at YNAB more often. I think that should be my next habit to work on. I’m tempted to spend money on Hatsune Miku trading cards? Check YNAB. I want to go buy groceries? Check YNAB.


I should go to work now. But I don’t want to. But I am going to go do it. I just had some lunch so I should be fueled up for now. I got Some SIMPLY Gum from the store the other day. It’s really yummy even though it is brown in color and looks like rabbit pellet food!

I realized it has sugar in it. That’s no good for healthy teeth! There are some other brands of chewing gum which offer sugar-free gum. I think I will try those next. I have found that chewing gum while working makes work more more tolerable.

Work has been intolerable for a long time. I don’t know if I can change that or not, but I can always try.

I would like to work on my computer more, but that will take a lot more time and pressure. I can’t simply work on the computer. I have to provide value to people in exchange for money. And that is what will take a lot of time and pressure to accomplish.

Baby steps! I gotta touch my Bonanza store every day. Make it better one way or another. I’m going to put some items on sale right now before I forget.

39% discount on all items in my tech shop! I want to get one item out the door every single day of the week. This gives me even more reason to go outside and walk. I need as many reasons to go train as I can possibly get!

I find it hard to write my daily quota when I have to work for my dad. Writing is truly one of my favorite activities anymore. I hope I can work for my dad less in the future, so I can write more.

I’m going to go do some work for my dad now. I will continue writing later this evening.

So that was a fucking stupid work day. After I arrived on site, I started looking for my dad. As I walked through the building looking for him, I saw all the unfamiliar faces. I became insecure and anxious about all the people. I went and sat in my truck and considered driving away.

My dad came to me before I had the chance. He gave me a roll of paper towels and some window cleaner and told me he needed the inside of the windows cleaned.

I got to work, but the whole time I was feeling sad. Chewing gum didn’t help at all. I felt exposed working near the other workers. I didn’t make eye contact. I tried to hide my face.

Now that I’m home, I realize I’m just sleepy. I was ever since I ate lunch.

I guess I shouldn’t eat lunch when I have to work. No breakfast, no lunch. If I eat a full meal, this seems to happen. Actually, it seems to happen regardless. It all comes down to being triggered, or feeling insecure and shutting down.

I don’t even know. Maybe if I had chugged some caffeine with lunch, I wouldn’t have felt so terrible.

I am so afraid of being vulnerable, that I didn’t say hi to anybody new. I just kinda forced a smirk, and nodded.

One guy asked if the upstairs windows had been cleaned. I couldn’t even answer him properly.

I’m so fucking tired. Is the root of my depression just bad sleep? I think that at least has something to do with it.

I just made an impulse buy. And I don’t even care. I’ll probably care later. Right now, I’m just horny and I had to check out TxM’s website. I check their site from time to time, add shit to my cart, and never check out. I have never ordered from TxM although I have wanted to on serveral occasions. “Maybe when I’m rich” I tell myself. Fuck. I’m starting to think I’ll never be rich, so I’m just going for it.

TxM had a new year’s sale. 5 randomly selected T-Back thongs. Probably all the leftover shit nobody wants to buy. But a sale’s a sale, and a thong is a thong. I have been thong free for months. Ever since I got some sort of skin condition on my butt, I have been avoiding them.

I went to the doctor and inquired about it. He and my advance nurse practitioner took a look and it was super embarrassing. Anyway, they referred me to a dermatologist. I wrote more about this a few weeks ago when it happened.

Anyway, I haven’t made any sort of appointment for that dermatologist because I haven’t looked at the notes containing the dermatologist. Oh wait, my number has changed. They could call me and I wouldn’t even know. I should update my number, I guess.

Anyway, I’m thinking it’s just from the shitty wooden chair I sit on. So I’m going to go ahead and buy some sexy underwear now. Because I can. Because I’m ignoring the pain I feel inside from the job that never seems to end. From the job I loath and from my dad who assumes how I’m feeling.

He loves this book called the people code. He assumes I’m a person in the “white” category, so he babies me. Gives me exactly what I want. Tries to make me comfortable at work. Ensures that I don’t have to talk to anybody or do things he thinks I don’t want to do.

I don’t want to talk about it.

Fuck this blog.

What am I even doing?

Me going on shopping sprees is me getting drunk. It’s the equivalent of pulling out the hard A. Right now I don’t give a fuck. Tomorrow, I’ll be hung over and feel like crying.

Yikes. Yikes. Yikes.

I need to move out, like yesterday. It’s going to be fucking hard as shit to be homeless, but that discomfort is just what I need to kick my ass into gear.

I want a shower? Ok, gotta go to the gym and work out first.

I want money? Ok, gotta go do some minimum wage bullshit….

fuck. I have no income other than my parents, and eBay. I’m so fucked!

My parents have me by the balls. Everything I want is right here. Everything I desire in life is right here. Except none of it is mine! It’s all theirs! So they dictate half of my life!

I don’t know how many times I gotta write about this before I actually do something about it.

FIRE SALE! Everything in my tech shop is $1!!!!

I think if I just get all this shit outta here, I’ll have less keeping me here. It’ll be easier to live out of my car if everything I own is in there.

I need a diesel heater to keep myself warm at night though. And I gotta install it.

Baby steps. I just gotta remember that.

I took a nap. I had a dream that I was in a Castle with rock retaining walls just like I built last month. I dreamt that I got in some sort of argument, so I logged out and Hatsune Miku logged in. She put distance between me and my dad just like Mr. Robot does for Elliot.

Also my brother B jumped like 200 feet across a deadly crevasse.

It was sort of a lucid dream. I chose that nobody could find me when I went into hiding after the argument.

The dream doesn’t make a lot of sense so I don’t think I’ll even try to explain the rest of it.

I’m grateful for junk food

I’m grateful for rice.

I’m grateful for T-back thongs

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