Fri Feb 12 2021

Hey buddy, we need to have a heart to heart conversation because you’re spiralling out of control and I don’t like where we’re headed.

I see you sitting at your computer, opening Brave and then clicking your Hacker News bookmark. You scan the first few articles, see nothing new, then you close the tab. You see an empty new tab screen so you do the natural thing, clicking the Hacker News bookmark and then scanning for new articles. There’s nothing new because you were just there. So you close the tab and upon seeing an empty New Tab screen, you go straight to Hacker News.

It’s like you’re on mushrooms, but not the fun mushrooms. It’s like you’re on the dangerous mushrooms that cause you to repeat what you’re doing for hours on end, without being able to control yourself or change what you’re doing.

I once heard a story of someone on these dangerous mushrooms, who repeatedly jumped off a small footbridge to a hard ground below. A couple times jumping off this small bridge would be no issue, but the man couldn’t stop himself from jumping off, falling a short distance, stumbling as he found his landing, then repeating the process. It was just high enough to were a repeated rough fall like that could have ended with the man killing himself.

Somewhere deep within his brain, he knew what he was doing was dangerous, but in the moment, he couldn’t help himself as the mushrooms had placed him into a loop.

Luckily, his friend was there, who physically restrained him from repeating the climbing and jumping process and endangering his life.

I have watched you repeat this cycle of sitting, watching a video, sitting, watching another video, sitting, watching a video while playing a mindless game… I think you’re addicted.

I haven’t seen you work as much, which is great. I think you work too much, in general. I thought it was great when you decided to work less, but something’s not right with what you’re doing instead of working.

Sitting on your hard wood chair at the computer for 16 hours a day is not okay. I see you get up to jog in place for 15-25 minutes, which is great, but 25 minutes of exercise out of 16 hours of sitting is not enough to be healthy.

I noticed that you didn’t go to group therapy this week, and you didn’t go to CoDA, either. You skipped calling your friend C., as well. Last Sunday, you skipped visiting your parents for dinner.

I noticed how you haven’t been writing in your journal, meditating, or doing yoga. I noticed how your DPC has become a forgotten thing. I noticed how you’re playing video games alone, and even going so far as avoiding other human players in-game.

I know you. I know that playing video games alone is how you shut out the world. I know this path, the one where you sit and click buttons and feed off the dopamine drip that video games give you.

What is going on?

I hate you.

You stink and you’re lazy and you think you can make money without having a job. You’ve been at this for over a year and you are still making less than minimum wage. Yeah, you paid off a credit card, but that’s one out of three and you”ve already put a purchase on the very credit card you just paid off.

You’ve got hundreds of dollars of orders queued up at Buyee, but no budget to get them shipped home. What is your plan? Wait for another stimulus check? After that, what’s your plan? Wait for money from family?? You think you can just keep living off of these handouts, but what about the real money? What about the kind of money you would need to say, get new glasses and go to the dentist? You don’t have anything close to the money needed for that. It’s laughable. You think you can just scrape by for the rest of your life. What about buying a house? What about renting an apartment?

You literally bring in $5 a day sometimes. This is normal and you just accept it. What the fuck is your plan?

You have no plan. Your plan is, sit and work and hopefully someday it’ll pay off. Then it’s not even every day that you work. Sometimes you just sit and watch youtube for hours and hours. Often times you make excuses to why you can’t walk outside. It’s cold. I’m tired, I didn’t get enough sleep.

When are you going to get enough sleep? You never take sleep seriously. You’ve been sleeping on that busted camp pad for over a year. It literally doesn’t fill up with air anymore, the only padding left is from the foam pad on the inside that is meant to provide pressure to the inflatable section, which is busted on the seam along the entire length of the camp pad.

I’m surprised you’re not dead yet. If not from lack of good sleep, but from the toxins that you’ve given a home in your apartment. The noxious smoke-ridden trading cards that you so delicately sorted and stored, completely ignoring their odor and the headaches they give you.

Or the 3D printer that runs for half the day, piping out fumes as it heats to 142 C and melts the plastic. I know it affects you. I know you pretend that it doesn’t irritate your eyes and your lungs. I know you pretend that your throat doesn’t hurt.

And what’s up with your diet? Three ingredient meals are great, but not when it’s the only thing you eat. Peanut butter, raisins, and oatmeal? You’re going weeks on end eating this shit.

That’s not fair. I’ve also been eating dried beans, brown rice, and lentil soup mix.

Holy shit. I was just outside. I get it. It’s zero degrees Fahrenheit outside right now! I think my behavior tracks the weather, somewhat.

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