Fri Feb 14 2020

I shaved my head.

I like the idea of new beginnings. I was also influenced by some bald gentleman that I look to and follow on social media. Joe Rogan and Scott Manley.

I just got back from Therapy. I only got like 3 hours of sleep this morning. I planned on waking at 6:30, 3 hours before I had therapy, in order to get my morning routine done. Journalling, training, pooping. That sort of thing. I ended up going back to sleep for an extra hour and I felt much better for doing so.

Nuances. There are nuances in everything. I don’t even know. Huh? What did you say? I don’t know.

I’m cooking up some tofu. I’m going to add Stubbs BBQ sauce to it and eat it with rice. Then I’ll probably crash and sleep for a few hours.

So yeah, therapy was not what I was expecting. I was expecting to go through the process of talking about trauma but we ended up doing some learning about the DBT strategies we’ve been learning from during group therapy.

We both are learning this stuff. I’m so grateful for my therapist because she’s so open to sharing her thoughts. She doesn’t present herself as an expert that is going to solve all my problems. She openly admits that she is in recovery as well, and her journey to improve herself is never over and she’s always learning new things and growing.

Looking at that photo of myself, I think the two halves of my face have mildly different features. Check out this weird mashup I did of myself yesterday which explores the two halves of my face.

I read something one time about the two halves of a person’s face are different, and each one represents a different part of the person. Something that goes along with the two brain hemispheres? IDK.

Let’s get weird up in here!

Could you imagine if people’s faces were perfectly symmetrical like this?


Crazy shit right there. It’s like 2 different people!

Wow, the BBQ sauce is too spicy! I want some milder BBQ sauce, and dip potato wedges in it. Yum yum!

Watching Joe Rogan talk about the episode that killed Fear Factor. Contestants had to drink donkey semen and it killed the show. LOL gross!

I’m tempted to hop on eBay and list cards all day. I think I’m doing that because it’s easy and because I feel accomplished afterwards. it’s not like I can make a living doing that. I already did the math on that yesterday. I just don’t have the inventory or the community interest to the point where that’s a viable business plan.

I don’t think it’ll stop me though. I won’t stop until all my cards are listed on eBay. I don’t know what the future holds. The market’s interest in P-memories cards could spike and my inventory could get cleared out in a matter of weeks. I want to be ready for any such interest. I’m not about to time the market and list only after there is demand.

This comes down to living a life worth living and doing things worth doing. I think listing cards on eBay all day is a nice activity. I enjoy watching The Mole season 2 or listening to JRE and getting into a good flow where I list card after card, take photographs, and generally just chill.

It’s a nice feeling, and I don’t feel like it’s a complete waste of time. There is a chance that this time will pay off. There is a chance that my effort will be worth it.

Even if P-Memories tanks and nobody wants to buy anymore cards from me, there’s some hope that I will learn some sort of knowledge from the process. Maybe I would learn from the organization that I come up with for card sorting or picture storage. Maybe there’s some aspects of eBay advanced listing tool that I will master because of repeating the process of using the tool.

Here’s something I learned. My internet sucks, and it’s faster to use my phone’s wifi hotspot than use my at-home connection!

I’ve been using this method during prime time when my family is using the internet as well, and image uploads become painfully slow.

The first thing I do when I create a new listing is I go straight to the image upload. As the image uploads, I edit the title and remove any extra pictures which are left over from the previous listing (the listing template).

Then once the image fully uploads and displays, I can re-order the photo so that the image of the front of the card appears as the main photo of the listing. I have to wait until the image uploads 100%, otherwise the setting doesn’t “stick.”

Once the main image is in place, all I gotta do next is set quantity, shipping discounts, then click the listing button.

The post-listed screen shows a, “create similar” button which I have to click ASAP if I am to ensure a fast and efficient listing process.

As eBay is thinking, I type the name of the next card to be listed into the search box in Nautilus. Nautilus shows me the matching image, which I am then ready to upload immediately after eBay’s advanced lister tool finishes loading. The process repeats.

I’m learning little tricks like these to make things faster. eBay has a bulk listing tool, and it’s mostly garbage at this point. Totally alpha quality software which glitches out and loses work on every occasion.

eBay is such a shitshow. I use it for the audience, not the software quality. And that’s all I have to say about that.

I’m totally crashing so I’m going to take a nap now. More later.

Just woke from a nap. B. texted me last night and I didn’t even notice. He invited me to go shooting, but I would have said no because I ain’t got a budget for that!

One downside for shaving my head is that all the little hairs on my head snag on my hats, which make hats difficult to don and doff!

My Gigbucks gig got approved. It still needs a demo reel, though. I think I’ll make one in Audacity when I finish this journal post today.

GIMP just crashed and I lost 20 minutes of work. I’m angry(4). This reminds me of the time I bought a Mac mini because I was so frustrated with open source software sabotaging my creative efforts by unexpectly crashing.

I think I was using PiTiVi at the time for video editing. Or it might have been KDenlive. I bought a used, 2011 mac mini and pirated Final Cut Pro 10 and my videos became quite a lot better. Final Cut Pro has some really great compositing features.

Now I wouldn’t dream of using it. I’m all about open source at this point. If I were to get back into video editing, I think I would prefer to use Blender. I tried Blender’s video editor at one point, and was overwhelmed at the complexity. I think it would be difficult to use at first, like everything, but I would quickly learn and make it better.

Hey, maybe that’s a job I should look for. Video editing. I have such little interest in web development right now. I tried for so many years and I don’t think I got anywhere meaningful. I got a lot of stress and addiction, and couldn’t monetize my skills because I never felt like I was good enough.

Right now I don’t want to pursue web development. I want to work from home and do something though. Maybe web development is a good thing for me? Am I not pursuing it because I’m afraid? Is there another reason?

Yes, there is another reason. I’m terrified of full-time work, whatever it may be. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my life away doing shit some company wants me to do. I don’t want to work all day and come home and be exhausted. I don’t want to feel like I don’t have any time for hobbies or passion projects.

A part time job is too much. A full time job is the most dreadful thing I can think of.

And yet, I lack a sufficient income of bio-survival tickets on which to survive. I have a real dilemma on my hands!

I made a new profile picture, based on a symmetrical depiction of half of my face.

I called it Buddha head for some reason. I’m starting to become obsessed with Buddhism, even though I don’t know much about Buddhism.

One thing that I learned from the one Sangha service I went to, was that they wanted Buddhism to be shared. I don’t plan on being a missonary. Joe Rogan just talked about something similar in JRE MMA Show #90 in which he spoke with Rashad Evans about lifestyle changes and how people can come off as unsavory if they try to push their beliefs on others and try to get them to comply with their ideology.

I don’t want to do that. It’s a tough cookie to handle being vegan. Some people I talk to about my vegan story exhibit codependent behaviors such as feeling as if their way of doing things is wrong. When I go into my diet, I try to explain that I believe in freedom more than anything, and just like I wouldn’t want to be forced to eat meat, I wouldn’t want to see anyone be forced to adopt a vegan diet.

It’s 9:14PM on a Friday night. Right now seems like prime time for video gaming, but nobody is on. Wait, I don’t even know that. I don’t even have Steam open.

I opened Steam. Nobody is actually on. Perhaps I should text B. and see if he wants to play? Maybe I should list more cards on eBay and not get involved with video gaming. Maybe I should find a job. I should definitely find a job. The trick is finding a job I can stand. I don’t think such a thing exists.

Rather, such a thing exists, but is reserved for people with a high amount of capital. I would love to be a day trader or operate a Bitcoin ATM. I would love to operate a FileCoin miner. I would love to operate a virtual card shop and/or eBay store.

I’m doing the eBay thing and I am dismayed at my working capital. It’s not sustainable because I don’t bring in enough money every day. I don’t bring enough money in every day because I don’t list enough items of generally perceived value. I don’t list enough items of perceived value because I don’t have items to lisssssssssssssssssst….

I have items to list. I don’t do it because I don’t want to leave my chair.

I don’t leave my chair because I’m an addict.

Clearly, I have a problem with computer addiction. Clearly, I have a problem with leaving the house and dealing with people. Clearly, working for myself as an eBay seller is probably not going to work because I have these issues, and I don’t deal with my problems, and I’m lonely and it’s not worth the effort anyway because I don’t like to live this way and be lonely.

I talked this morning with my therapist K. and I felt mostly comfortable with her. I talked about things and sorted out my thoughts and made plans for the future. If only I had someone like this whom I could talk to for hours every day. Maybe life this way would be better, faster, stronger. Maybe I would find a reason to try hard if I had someone close whom I would want to make happy. Perhaps this a codependent behavior. Perhaps there is a healthy middle ground, where I would receive motivation from them, and I would give my energy to them.

IDK, I dunno if it’ll ever happen. A mutual relationship of trust and romance seems like an unattainable fantasy right now.

I don’t want to think about it.

I’m ending this journal entry with some words of affirmation, and words of gratitude.

71. I am thankful for life.
73. I choose to be happy.
74. I accept the good that is flowing into my life.

I am grateful for my therapist K., because she is very real with me. She doesn’t make shit up, she doesn’t pretend to know everything. She shares her thoughts and her realities with me.

I am grateful for spices. Spices make my food taste really good.

I’m grateful for valentine’s day. I printed out a few cards on my label printer and gave one to my parents and one to my therapist. I’m grateful for this day which celebrates love, because love is important and powerful.

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