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Fri Feb 21 2020

Last updated on February 21, 2020

So B.’s friends (and mine lol) are planning on surprising him in May by driving up to Spokane and spending a few days seeing the sights. I’m going to play tour guide and we’re going to go see all sorts of stuff and probably go shooting and do go karts and see the aquarium and fun stuff.

I just had a pretty solid morning. Ate oatmeal, jerked off then walked and did yoga for 45 minutes, felt amazing. Pooped and it felt amazing. I think yoga is re-tuning my body and getting blood flowing that has been flowing poorly up until now. I think I pooped so good because I did yoga. Yoga is re-connecting my gut to my brain.

Then I showered and went to therapy. We went over the feelings I experienced over the last week. Sadness, anger, fear, joy.

I’m really tired. I think I might nap before I journal for today. Or maybe I’ll go off track and just brain dump for a bit.

I like boobs. Not big boobs though. Boobs that are juuust right. They could be mosquito bites, to be honest. Smaller is better. High speed, low drag. I like girls who are small. Small and fit is even better. Juuuust right.

Now My head is on my desk. I’m typing with my hands above my head. Look at mee I’m sooooooo coool, I can type without looking! I bet I made exactly 2 mistakes so far. Typos. I can feel when I make a typo. I feel it in my finger tips.

Now I’m looking. I don’t see any typos. I just see a slobbering idiot that put words on a screen.

My P-Memories website ripper is coming along nicely. I want to jump into working on that right now, but I know I need to be disciplined and do the items on my todo list before I jump into that.

I need to return some calls. I got a few and I dunno who they’re from.

I called a number that called me yesterday. The person on the other end had no idea and they said they didn’t call me today. That would be accurate. They called yesterday. I was nervous though so I was just like, “nevermind, thanks anyway!” Whatevs, not a big deal. I’m not feeling embarrassed, so that’s good. Past Chris would be embarrased for days about an awkward conversation on the phone.

I have one other number to call that called about 2 hours ago, but I’m going to go ahead and ignore that one. They are both 208 numbers and I have a suspicion that they’re telemarketers. I’m going to go ahead and forget about that one for the moment, as I have exhausted my excitedness to call an unknown number for the day.

I have been getting a lot of phone calls from 208 numbers. I figured they were my phone provider, Net10, calling me about some bullshit that I wouldn’t be interested in, or wasn’t relative to me because I’m using my Burnerapp phone number as my primary telephone number.

If I get another call from a 208 number, I can call back and I can figure out what it’s all about. It’s not a big deal. I just did it and I’m fine right now, so I can do this again in the future.

Exposure fucking therapy, bitches!

That’s what my counselor is having me do. Exposure therapy. Shit I’m afraid of I just gotta do over and over, until it’s not scary anymore. I have to apply to lots of web development jobs and get rejected lots of times. I have to put in effort and do interviews and get rejected lots of times.

The more times I fail, the stronger I will become.

Just like this phone call. It was a failure. I didn’t get what I wanted out of it, but I got something I wasn’t prepared for. I got EXP and I leveled up.

My counselor was happy for me today, when I told her about the good week I had. It looked like she teared up a bit. She did not confirm nor deny this, and I did not inquire, so I have to leave it as a curiosity.

I wonder if that moment was a good one for her. One of her clients came in months ago a broken man, depressed and ready to give up on life. Now look at me. I’m a weirdo and proud of it. I’m conquering my social anxiety step by step. Baby step by baby step.

I’m mingling at church. I’m going to CoDA every week. I’m going to share, eventually. My counselor suggested that I share like 3 sentences.

“I’m really nervous to share so I’m sharing this much and that’s it for now.”

Also I had a worry that I would talk more than 3-5 minutes as the CoDA suggestion goes. My counselor laughed really hard when I said that. I’m buttoned up tighter than a <insert something that gets buttoned up tight> … winter coat.

I don’t talk hardly at all, and I think she got a kick out of me when I said that.

I think I needed that though. A look of perspective that I can’t possibly see on my own. Mr. Chris doesn’t talk much.

Fuckin’ A

I almost forgot that the Library loans out books. My counselor said they even rent out audio books via the library’s app. How cool is that?

So yeah, I am going to rent some books once I finish one of the books I’m on. Probably Prometheus Rising, since I’m getting close to the end of that one.

Good books which my counselor recommended:

The power of Now by Ekart Toli

Surrender Experiment by Michael singer

Why am I afraid to show you who I am? by John Powell 1975

Untethered Soul.

I don’t even know if I got those authors correct. I’m not going to fact check right now. I’m too tired. I wanna go to sleep and dream about making out with Hatsune Miku and her cute cute face.

13. I believe that I can change the world (or at least my corner of it).
14. I am important.
16. I matter.

I slept. B. came over and picked up his metal detector.

Curry’s done. It doesn’t have any potatoes because I’m out. Instead of potato, I used half a bag of frozen veggies. Peas, corn, carrots, green beans. I’m also out of garbanzo beans so I used pinto beans. This’ll be interesting.

It’s J’s birthday so I wished her happy birthday via text. I wonder if she knows my new number.

So when B was here, I should have invited him in, but instead we talked at the open for about 2 minutes. He watched FLCL recently and he mentioned that he still has no idea what it was about. LOL how funny.

I gave J a gift. Live action Tokyo Ghoul which I ripped from B.’s DVD when I last borrowed it. That must have been 2 years ago now. It was ages ago when I borrowed that DVD. She still has my live action Death Note DVD. Not that I want it back, I’m just taking an inventory. I still have her Attack on Titan game.

I don’t want to watch anime at her house. I know she’s probably going to bring it up tomorrow night. I’m going to say no thanks. I hope she doesn’t ask why. My counselor suggested that I be honest and tell her that I feel uncomfortable around her. She suggested that I use I values. I feel x. I don’t like it when y.

I suppose I could say I don’t want to get into it when I give a reason for turning down her invite. Or, “I’d rather not say.”

This is part of my co-dependency recovery. I have to be honest with myself and honest with the people I associate with. I’d rather not associate with B. anymore, but she’s in the game groups I attend. I don’t want to simply ghost her, because that’s a bad habit and a bad way to live.

I should probably just be honest. My counselor didn’t say that I should avoid the question. She said I should be honest.

“We should watch anime some time.”

“No thanks.”

“How come?”

“I’m uncomfortable around you and I don’t like your dogs.”

That’s what I suppose I should say.

“Why?”

“I don’t like the way you tear people down and use your status as college alumni to assert your superiority. I don’t like how you call strangers cunts and glare at them when they’re in front of you in line. I don’t like how you can be really nice to a person, then minutes later speak poorly of them and pass judgement behind their back. I don’t like how you drive or how you make threats to punch people in the throat.”

I’m really excited about my ongoing projects, precious-data and precious-db. precious-data is going to be primarily a translation project. Right now it’s primarily a data ripping project. My ripper has been running for over 12 hours now. I throttled http requests so I don’t overload p-memories.com.

I am going to add two features to precious-data. Firstly, I’m going to add an incremental rip flag, ‘-i, –incremental’ to precious-data command line interface. This will make an inventory of all the cards on P-memories.com before actually ripping card data and images. After doing so, it will only rip images and cards which don’t exist locally on disk. This will prevent unnecessary webpage scraping in the future when I need to download card data for a new set that comes out.

Another feature I have planned but haven’t implemented yet is JSON merging. For example, say I run precious-data ripper a subsequent time, after I have done a bunch of English translations to card data JSON files. I wouldn’t want my English translations to be wiped out when I rip card data in the future, so what I’m doing to add into the card ripper is a method which reads the JSON file it plans on writing to. If there is such a file, it will merge the English key/value pairs with the fresh Japanese data which was just read from p-memories.com.

I had one more feature in mind but I can’t think of it at the moment. I think I have food on the mind, and that’s just about all I can think of!

Food time!

I just had an idea for a YouTube extension. I want button that just starts playing videos from my subscriptions list. I think this is a great idea because it will really help me cut down on shitty channels that I’m subscribed to. If I’m watching a video I don’t like, that probably means I don’t need to be subscribed to that channel anymore.

I think I will make it, once I can’t think of anything better to do!

I ate and watched youtube. Then I read one page from 5 separate books. I want a sixth book to read from. I’m thinking I’ll go to the library next Tuesday after group therapy. It’s our last group therapy session and it’s going to be a party with food and a gift card drawing.

This topic came up in individual therapy today and my counselor asked me what feelings I had in regards to group coming to a close. Sadness is what I came up with. I’m sad that it’s over because I’m not finished learning! I’m also happy that I learned some new techniques for identifying emotions and changing the ones that don’t fit the facts.

Onto the next thing, I guess! There is another group coming up in two weeks. Shame Resilience. I’m really looking forward to that group.

I wonder, once I become less shameful, will I be a better person? I’m not so sure. I think I still have to work on being friendly.I could use a book or five on that subject.

I’ll wrap up for today. I’m grateful for my brother B. who checks in with me every now and then. I’m grateful for his humor and his charisma when we play games. I’m grateful for his passion of sports shooting and how he likes to share it with his friends.

I’m grateful for Javascript. There’s always something new to learn and it’s an endless challenge.

I’m grateful for board and card games. They bring people together and give us a reason to smile.

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