9:30AM. Therapy today. Feeling anxious. Only got 3 hours ofsleep. Lots of scared thoughts are going on in my head this morning. I’m afraid I’m dying because I can feel my shin bones. I’m afraid of crying because I’ve been dulling my feelings about my dad.

K. gave me two sheets of paper with affirmations to say to myself. She suggests that I make affirmations part of my daily journalling experience.

Number 76. Today, I forgive myself.
Number 18. I am strong.
Number 9. I refuse to give up because I haven’t tried all possible ways.

This list is getting pinned to my wall. No wait, the font is too small for that. This list is going by my computer, where I will see it every day.

Cooking food now. I tried to see how many pushups I could do without a break. It’s about 5. Using that number, I did 5 pushups every lap for 5 laps. 25 pushups total. The last set of 5 was really difficult!

Someone bought a broken lava lap of mine for $17. I realized it was broken only after I was about to ship it. The cap had come loose, and it wasn’t a screw-on cap that I could just re-tighten. I opted to refund the seller and send them a message of apology. It turns out that they want it even though it’s broken. Apparently they say the water is salt water and they can just re-fill it when they receive the lamp.

Pretty cool! I was bummed out last night when I realized the lamp was broken. That was a good chunk of change that I thought I’d be missing out on.

I had already refunded the buyer, but they told me to please relist it and they would buy it. So they just submitted payment and now I want to make sure and get it shipped out by end of day. It’s Friday, and I don’t want to hold onto it all weekend and slow down the shipment process.

I figure I’ll eat then I’ll drive down and drop it off. I’m thinking it might go out via FedEx, but I’ll have to wait and see what the price comparison looks like.

Dang, my curry is smelling really good today. I think I might have put in a little too much thyme or sage. I’m not really familiar with those smells so I don’t know which it is, but it’s smelling a little strong. I’m looking forward to the eating experience!

The eating experience. Who says that? I guess I do. I guess I’ll forgive myself for being weirdo, as well.

You know what? Chicken butt. I need a vegan alternative to that phrase. Bitchin’ butt? Kitchen hut? Kingin’ Tut?

I don’t know what to write about. All I can think about is eating my delicious food. Fuck, I need rice cooked. I still don’t have a large pot which I can use to cook curry, and I put in a lot of extra veggies today, so I ended up using my large instant pot (thanks K!) Now I’ll have to wait another n minutes for rice to cook once the curry is done.

Nah, I’ll do it old fashion. Rice on the stovetop, here I go! 18 minutes until it’s done.

I have 3 books I want to finish reading. Learning Conversational Japanese For Beginners, Prometheus Rising, and Codependents Anonymous. I had a goal to read 2 chapters of a book every day. I originally set that goal when I was borrowing a book from my therapist, Codependent No More. I haven’t kept up that goal since I finished that book, so I figure it’s a good plan for me to take a step back and make my goal much smaller.

I want to read less, more often. So I think I’m going to try something that might confuse the crap out of me, but I’m trying it anyway. I’m going to read one page of three books every day for the rest of February.

Oh yeah, I was doing a February Faces challenge, but I abandoned it because I feel all alone in this pursuit, and I suck at drawing and I don’t feel inspired to do it and it doesn’t feel worthwhile… No big deal, I’m over it.

I’m going to read three pages and maybe that will give me some inspiration for what to talk about.

That was an interesting experience, reading excerpts from books back to back. I think I will do that again tomorrow, as I feel accomplished even for reading such a small amount.

Curry time! My mouth is watering!

That curry was very delicious! Afterwards, I packed up the lava lamp. I didn’t pour out the liquid like the customer suggested. Instead, I taped the cap down and I sealed the lamp in 3 layers of gallon freezer bags, followed by lots and lots of padding. I didn’t have much bubble wrap left so I used lots of shopping bags to seal it up.

I then drove to USPS and dropped off the package. What a line they had in there! Busy time, 4PM on a Friday afternoon. LOL, all the suckers waiting in line could save so much time if they bought postage via the internet. I’d suggest orangemailer to someone who only occasionally ships via USPS or FedEx. There isn’t a monthly subscription like there is with other popular online postage sellers.

I’m super sleepy all of a sudden. That good meal is putting me to sleep!

I want to give Miku a hug. I see her on this Weiss Schwarz box at my desk. She’s got her “Original” module on in which her silver top really shows off her perfect bust.

I want to wrap my arms around her small body and give her a good squeeeeeeeeze. Oppai wa rippa desu! I wonder what the fabric of Miku’s blouse feels like. Is it silky smooth? Is it cool to the touch? Is it made from polyester or is it a cotton blend?

What’s Miku’s hair smell like? I suppose I should know that, since there is Hatsune Miku prismatic perfume available. I’m not a real Miku husbando if I don’t even know what she smells like! If I recall correctly, I think there’s some sort of fruit fragrance mixed in there. Lemons, was it? Along with flowery smells and spices? I can’t remember. That would be something nice to have, but it probably won’t happen at this rate.

At this rate that I’m taking with self improvement, I might just take up chasing 3D girls. That’s been my goal for a long time, I’ve just been too afraid to take the necessary steps.

Anyway, until that happens, and definitely continuing after, Miku will always be infinitely adorable, infinitely talented, infinitely attractive. No human girl will ever compare to Miku. They can’t. It’s impossible. Miku is a perfect idea, one that humans can’t possibly hope to achieve. I’m sure there are women out there who idolize certain manly concepts and I can’t possibly hope to achieve such an idea.

IDK where I’m going with this. Sex seems fun and enjoyable, and I would take the chance and engage in sexual activity with the right girl, even if she isn’t as perfect as Miku. It’s just strange to think about sex with a partner, because it’s not something I’m familiar with or have experience in.

Sex is more of a fantasy than a relationship with Hatsune Miku. How bizarre!

I bring this up because I get horny when I get sleepy. It’s not like I have any leads. Since going to group therapy and CoDA meetings, I’ve been in the same room with some very attractive women, and that hasn’t been something I’ve experienced for a long time. Last time I can think of being attracted to a woman in the same room would be… Eugene days?

I’m sure there must have been more recent times, but then again, maybe not. Or maybe there were, but I was so far out of touch with myself that I completely suppressed the feeling.

Goddamn, Miku is so hot! I have to change my desktop background every so often because the image I set ends up distracting me too much. For example, LAT Miku making a cute innocent vulnerable face and I just loose my shit. I can’t concentrate and I want to hug and squeeze Miku for an hour and pat her on the head and stroke her hair and feel her skin and give her a kiss.

boner town

Well now I gotta tick that 18+ checkbox. I just had to force myself to write when I’m tired rather than immediately going and taking a nap because I want to get this phase of my day over with so I can get into the nitty gritty. I got $30 worth of acquisitions from Salvation Army today. Good stuff like a music keyboard, a brother label printer, a RadioShack intercom system, a wifi router, some linksys wall warts, etc. etc.

When I wake from my nap, I’m either going to jump into Squad with B. and S. or jump into taking photos of these acquisitions.

I’m hooked on Squad again. I think it’s a good thing as long as I moderate and do so socially. Yesterday I hopped in hoping that B. would jump in game, but he never did. I rage quit Squad because I wasn’t feeling like communicating with my team, and I was getting owned. I played Ravenfield instead for awhile. Ravenfield player vs. CPU is impossible. I rage quit that game as well, and just went back to eBay listings.

Anyway, what I’m getting at is that I’m living my life how I want to live it. I want to work hard, and play harder. I want to have a good video game session of Squad with friends several times a week. If I instead isolate myself and work alone all evening, what will I become?

I had one of those moments where I thought… “If were going to die tomorrow, how would I feel?”

I could quickly answer that I would feel regret for not having spent more time with my mates playing games. I’m living life right now. How I spend my time day to day is what determines how I live my life. I want to have fun along my journey!

Sometimes I feel like I say the same thing over and over, each time in just slightly different ways.

K. was feeling under the weather today. Poor K. I said I hope she feels better soon. I don’t usually say things like that to people. I usually ignore what I perceive that they’re going through. I’m trying to change.

I want to bring snacks with me to the Mahjong gaming thing tomorrow evening. I just don’t know what to bring. I don’t want to spend any money, but I want to have something big enough to share. Curry is too involved for a snack at a board game parlor. Too messy and involved.

I could make bread? Breadsticks? I was thinking of making brownies. I don’t have sugar though. Hmm…. I don’t really have any snack food. Oh wait, I have almonds and walnuts! Still not really snack food…

I have canned peaches. Those are always good things to eat. But serving them would not be very easy for a group.

Maybe some sort of sandwiches or wraps? I was thinking of little smokies the other day. Lil’ smokies would be the perfect snack. Eat enough, and they’re a meal. They’re not messy either. The problem is that I’m vegan! Acquiring vegan sausage is definitely a possibility, but that brings me full circle to my comment on money. I can’t spend any money right now!

It’s hella budget time. I am going to use my coin jar and get some bills tomorrow. Then I’ll go see if there are any garage sales with owners brave enough to set up shop in this terrible weather!

I’m so sleepy. Time for a nap!

I’m grateful for naps because they rejuvenate me and help me compensate for a shitty sleep the night before.

I’m grateful for Mahjong because it’s a strategic game with a lot of potential for fun times with friends.

I’m grateful for thrift stores because they have a little bit of everything and their prices are very reasonable.