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Fri Jan 24 2020

I woke up at 7:14AM today, before my alarm even had a chance to go off at 7:30. I only got about 5 hours of sleep but I feel okay. I don’t know if I’m rested or not rested due to how I’ve been sleeping on my couch. I threw away my Japanese futon because it stinks and it’s worn out.

I think I need a new bed ASAP. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep on my couch for much longer. I have done so on the past and just ended up with back pain.

8:40AM now. I walked 10 laps, ran the back half of 5, and did 5 sun salutations. I feel pretty good right now except for two things. Sleep deprivation and constipation.

I just drank 4 glasses of water, hoping I’ll have the urge to poop before therapy this morning at 9:30. I’ve been constipated ever since monday. I think I only pooped two times since taking mushrooms. They really are a hard reset for every bodily system.

I just wanna poop! I’m probably just gonna go sit on the toilet until something happens, or it’s time to go to therapy. I still gotta shower and shave so I gotta leave time for that.

This morning I had a sharp pain in my gut. There’s poop ready to be pooped out, but my body is being greedy and holding onto it!

Cyclic fasting has not been so great lately because I haven’t been hungry. I had 2 cups of rice, 8 small potatoes, and a banana yesterday. Fuck, no wonder I’m constipated.

I need my thick curry and rice to get me back to normal. I’m thinking of making that as soon as I get home from therapy and thrifting today. 4 packages going out today, one of which is FedEx. I hope to learn more about the FedEx dropoff process so I can set the package down somewhere and not have to wait for a clerk to scan it and give me a receipt. I don’t need a stinkin’ receipt!

I think I’m constipated because I was so frightened during the mushroom trip. I was really afraid that I was dead and that I wasn’t going to wake up again.

I wanna do more yoga. I feel really good after I do yoga. I think my body is getting too used to sun salutations. They’re the only thing I know, and I feel my body tensing up and protecting certain muscles that are supposed to get stretched with sun salutations. I think I need some more strength in other areas before I can really relax and access those tensed up muscles.

That’s why I think a beginner yoga class would be great. Either at FBH or somewhere else that is free or cheap. FBH seems like the most logical option because I’m familiar with the campus and I don’t have to pay anything.

Speaking of paying… I need to see a dentist, ASAP! I need to call CHAS and schedule an appointment. That’s my priority #1 thing on my todo list. I can do that today with a little bit of effort.

I’m hesitant(8) to call CHAS. I don’t know why. I really don’t know why I’m so afraid of the phone, but it’s like this for everything. I’m afraid of calling Paypal and restoring the ability to withdraw funds to my Checking account. That should be priority #2 thing… Or maybe the futon is #2.

Anyway, off to poop now. This journal is becoming a wonderful record of my bowel movements!


I went to therapy. I was late. I also forgot my papers AGAIN! Then I drove around aimlessly because I couldn’t make a decision and I have low blood sugar. I wanna take a nap.

I told my therapist about my mushroom trip.

I’m too tired to journal. food or sleep is required!

I’m supposed to journal about K.


nap and food get!

I’m supposed to write a letter to my old friend K. I’m supposed to write him a letter with no intention of sending it. I really screwed up that friendship, and I to this day feel bad about it. I am supposed to do this to mend my own inner self. I’m doing this as instructed by my therapist because of the believe I brought up that I don’t deserve friends. I don’t believe I am worthy of love and belonging anymore, and the situation I put myself in with K. may have something to do with that.

I guess I’ll write about it right here and now, since there’s nothing else on my mind which I could write about.


K.,

I am writing this letter for myself. If you happen to see it, that’s great and I would like that a lot. But I write it with or without any expectation that you see it. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and self reflection as of late, and I feel a great sadness for how I destroyed our friendship.

You were my best friend, and I treated you poorly. I did not communicate well with you, and I focused my pent up anger at you. I did so unfairly, and I did so impulsively from a place of hate.

I hope you are doing well now. I was happy to see your name on the [REDACTED] staff list. I was happy to see you and say hi at [REDACTED] 2019.

That’s all I can think to write. I don’t think K. wants to talk to me anymore so I feel hesitant to go into more detail.

But this is about me, isn’t it? This is about releasing my regretful feelings, so I can continue on living, isn’t it? This is about me feeling the feelings I suppressed for so long, so I can make personal ammends, resolve to be better in the future, and move forward.

If that’s what writing a letter is all about, I’m really holding back. There is a lot of pain there and I don’t want to get into it and unbury that pain.

I’m just thinking of the words of my therapist. “We have to face our crap.” or something like that.

For fuck’s sake.

K., you are one of the most thoughtful people I have ever met. You were always kind to me and helpful. You made me laugh and you were so good to me. I am a demon, a backstabbing traitorous thug who took advantage of your kindness and for years stockpiled ammo to use against you. I found your deepest vulnerabilities, your most secret secrets, your most delicate of weaknesses, and I exploited them for my own personal gain.

I made assumptions of your reality. I didn’t care if those assumptions were true or false. I simply made up my mind and I was determined to tear you down.

It wasn’t like that. I wasn’t trying to tear him down… Or was it. I think it might have been. I was so frustrated with him that I was ready to end the friendship. I think it really was that bad. I have to come to terms with this.

I was determined to tear down my friend.

Why did I do that? What about him made me so upset to the point where I was ready to throw in the towel? Why did I feel the need to bring him down? Why didn’t I just say something such as, “let’s go our separate ways for awhile?”

I think it has to do with my feeling of frustration for his behavior. He kept being late. He kept cancelling appointments.

I told my therapist that bit and I had to stop and laugh at myself for being so ironic. I’m doing what K. was doing back then. Flaking like mad!

I was the one person in the world who would go out of my way to pick K. up and take him to do something fun. Short hikes, playing cards, whatever. If it weren’t for me, I don’t know how he would spend his days. Perhaps in isolation in his room, much like I do now.

I can’t imagine the feeling of betrayal he must have felt when I told him I didn’t believe his word. I think he told me afterwards that at the time of our falling out, I was becoming his best friend. I remember him telling me that what I said to him felt like he was being hit with a truck.

I feel shame(9). I want to numb the pain by mindlessly swiping on my phone. I want to numb the pain by playing video games. I want to forget.

This is so ironic.

This is so ironic, me talking about not feeling like I deserve friends because I feel fear of repeating my past mistakes with K. Ironic that my behavior right now is the same behavior that triggered me with K. it’s the same thing I’m doing with my friends. They’re texting happy words when I cancel things, but they must be feeling some sort of betrayal or bitterness or let down when I say I’m coming to an event, then back out minutes before.

Say what you mean and mean what you say

Co-dependent No More

My therapist suggested I text the friends I’ve been flaking out on and let them know I appreciate the invites and I’ll try harder next time. She says relationships require work. If I keep up my recent behaviors, I may not be invited in the future. My half-assed attempts of showing up may end up destroying those relationships.

Actions speak louder than words.

There is one friendship which I don’t care to nurture. B. I don’t want to ride in her car ever again. I don’t want to be with her for more than a couple hours ever again. I don’t like her, I can’t stand her hateful, brash opinions or her two-faced people pleasing mixed with behind-the-back slander. Then there’s the lack of self care and soapboxing and upper classman ego…

That’s a bad relationship, there! When it comes to putting energy into maintaining that relationship, I am bingo on fuel!

Bingo on fuel. Goddamn, Squad is perhaps the best video game of the decade. I’m going to go ahead and say the decade of the 20’s, not the 10’s. It has tons of problems, like optimization for one. I’ll need a new computer soon, if the rate at which frames drop continues!

The helicopters are kind of a fail. They’re too easy to fly. Too many amateur pilots decelerate completely at 500ft in the sky, then land perfectly vertically for 500ft. I know what they’re doing, they’re using the landing camera to land. I wish OWI wouldn’t have added the landing camera. I wish OWI would have bought Helimod from that mod maker, as that mod really nailed a realistic looking helicopter flight model.

It’s such a good game because it requires so much cooperation to make anything meaningful happen. Lone wolfs in OWI Squad are incredibly weak in comparison to a well communicating group of 9.

Now there’s a commander role which really switches things up. A-10 strafing runs and artillery are really amazing to see and hear and feel.

I’m going to need faster internet soon! My high quality Squad Tuesdays are dependent on a solid connection!

I wonder if Starlink will be within my budget? That’s the internet I really want. I’m guessing that SpaceX will be launching their service to the public in North America near the end of this year.

I suppose I could get a cellular wifi hotspot in the interim. I just gotta pay attention to $$$ though.

I’m thinking of making Paypal my business account. In other words, any personal purchases must go through credit or debit cards. Paypal is for business only! That would help me manage my eBay business finances a little better. Of course I’ll probably have to make personal eBay purchases every now and then. I’m just thinking it’ll make things a bit easier as far as bookkeeping if I separate business and personal.

I guess that’s a goal. A goal of mine is to separate business and personal expenses. A goal is a good baby step right now.

And with that, I end this journal entry for today. I am grateful for my feelings word list which helps me identity what I’m feeling, and expand my vocabulary. I’m grateful for CoDA and Therapy which are helping me to live a better life. I’m grateful for chickpea curry which is my go-to standard for a filling and nutritious meal.

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