Fri Jan 3 2020 @ 2:34 AM

I’m trying to write a letter to my dad, but I’m struggling. I’m holding back shit. I’m not writing what is on my mind. I’m censoring myself.

What I want to say is that work is not important to me. I’d rather be kicked out than work for him any more. Not that the work he has is bad or he’s a bad boss or anything.

The thing is that if I died tomorrow, I’d be pissed. I’d look at what I’ve been doing for the past ten years and I’d consider it a waste. Partly.

The wasted part is spending time doing jobs I hate doing so I can continue to keep doing jobs I hate doing.

I can’t afford rent anymore. I’m 3K in debt. I have to pay $100 just to renew my vehicle tabs. A $400 monthly rent on top of that means I have to lose my driving privileges, or my housing privileges. I’ve drawn this out as far as I can. I think the breaking point has arrived.

I tried to play the final card in my hand which would allow me to be in the good graces of my parents while not working for them… School. I can’t get into a technical school because our internet is shit and my social skills are inadequate.

Now I think I gotta liquidate my assets and use the funds to live on the road. Then I’ll have more drive than ever to get a job I can tolerate, because if I don’t, I don’t eat, or I lose my ability to buy gas.

I’m going all in. I’ll become a web developer, or I’ll die trying.

What am I saying, I’m already a web developer. I will become a paid web developer, or I’ll die trying.

I slept from 6pm to 10pm yesterday. I’m tired now, but I don’t think I could sleep. I gotta go to therapy at 8:30am in a few hours. Yeesh.

It’s 12:08 PM now. I went to therapy. I think I made good progress in opening up and talking to my clinician.

We did a little exercise where I categorized my values. I was given a stack of cards with values, and I had to sort them into three categories. Very important, important, and not important. I was only allowed to put 10 values into the very important category, and I sorted those ten values from most important to least important.

  1. Purpose
  2. Hope
  3. Genuineness
  4. Self-knowledge
  5. Self-esteem
  6. Self-acceptance
  7. Fun
  8. independence
  9. Acceptance
  10. Autonomy

As I type that list, I’m habitually adding commas after each one, as if it’s a Javascript array. LOL I love my JS!

Ok yeah, my clinician wanted me to write down those values so I could refer to them later. In the future, I would like to value relationships more, but K. said I should take baby steps and work on these values first.

I want to add some things to my daily todo list. Firstly, I want to apply to a job more days per week. I am applying one day a week right now. My goal is to find a job that I can tolerate, so I should be applying for jobs I can tolerate.

My clinician suggested trying to get a job building tiny homes. Apparently there is a company that does that sort of thing locally. It might be in Idaho which is a plus.

Also I want to look into Farro. It’s apparently a grain that is good to use in cooking. And I want to find some lentil salad recipes because K. said that’s another healthy thing to eat. I should eat more salad. Leafy greens specifically. I should make that a priority as well.

Buying the food item I want to try is never enough. I need to have a clear goal in mind for what to do with the food. Lettuce for example, I need recipes for salads that sound appetizing, so I’ll actually eat the lettuce once I buy it.

Maybe I should go with sandwiches instead. I love bread and guacamole and tomato, so those things plus lettuce and maybe some other things should result in a solid vegan salad.

Ok then, how about 1 new recipe per week? That sounds achievable. Maybe Monday will be my new recipe day. I’m putting it on teh calendar now.

I also put my next therapy appointments on the calendar. I start group therapy next tuesday at 1PM. Apparently it’s just like a classroom. I was nervous that there might be some roleplaying exercises or something. Apparently I get to choose my level of interaction, so that’s a relief.

I was recommended some books.

I Thought It Was Just Me (But it isn’t) by Brene Brown

The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle

I was also loaned a book.

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie

I’m reading through the first chapter of the book, and I can relate to the problems described in some individual cases. I thought codependent meant something different than what the book is making out to be.

I thought codependency meant two people were dependent on each other. I’m only on chapter two, but it sounds like codependency is when someone lets themselves become down, because they aren’t thinking for themselves. Codependency often crops up in people when one of them is an addict.

I don’t quite get it yet. Anyway I want to read it all before my next appointment so I can give it back to K. So my goal is to read 2 chapters a day which would mean I could finish the book in 10 days. I’ll plan on reading a little extra every few days so I can finish in 7. But at least 2 per day.

I’m trying to figure out this WordPress amazon plugin. I would like to monetize my blog, if possible. It would be nice to break even on the $10 per month that I pay to run this.

Tangental thought! You know when you go to someone’s house, and they go to great lengths to make sure you’re comfortable? Like when they get you drinks or snacks, or make sure you know where the bathroom is… That’s really good hosting!

The best host I probably ever knew was this Japanese guy who hosted a Japanese language meetup at his house. He served coffee and tea twice, he served cookies and vegetables, he gave everyone the option to leave their shoes on even though he’s Japanese… What a guy.

He seemed really confident. It was like he had his emotions all sorted out, to the point where he could greatly care about his guests. What a guy.

I’m really hungry. It’s only 12:50 and I’d like to wait until 3PM to eat. I’m doing the whole cyclic fasting thing that Joe Rogan recommends. It has been working for me very well, the only issue is that yesterday I didn’t eat enough, so I’m feeling pretty hungry now. I think I can make it.

I think my blood sugar levels do much better when I do cyclic fasting. Unfortunately I think social anxiety has a huge toll on my mental load. I think I burn a ton of calories when I’m in social situations and panicking. Then I get low blood sugar and I just feel terrible and I want to go home.

Maybe if I continue with my daily strength training and the whole todo list and doing what I love and feeling more happy overall, my physical health will naturally improve.

We’ll see. But yeah, I’m sticking to my daily routine pretty well, and it’s doing wonders for me.

I’m writing it down again just so I can memorize it.

  • Journal
  • Train (exercise)
  • Write letter
  • Read 2 chapters of a book
  • Study Japanese for 15 minutes
  • Produce one music jam (Jamuary only)
  • Code
  • Eat
  • Chill (Project Diva and/or Discord Chat)
  • Apply for job (tues & thurs)
  • Try new recipe (monday)
  • Do laundry (sunday)

I think that’s it. I’m considering using RememberTheMilk todo list app, but that seems like a lot of work to login and check things off every time I finish them. Maybe once per day is fine. Actually what I’ve been doing the past few days seems to work pretty well. I simply send the todo list to myself as an e-mail, then I snooze the email (Thanks to Fastmail for adding this feature!) until the next morning. I snooze the e-mail once I finish all the items on the todo list.

I think a todo list belongs in every e-mail client. Fastmail doesn’t have this specifically, but an e-mail with the snooze feature serves this purpose very well.

So yeah, I pretty much talked about everything I wanted to talk about.

Oh yeah, I remembered something. Regarding sending a letter to my dad. My clinician K. suggested that I write a letter without censoring myself and without holding back, then simply don’t send the letter. She said I could bring the letter with me to my next appointment, and we could talk about what I wrote down.

Baby steps for sure.

Ok so my dream is to live in a tiny home. Buy some cheap land, build a cheap tiny home, live simply. This is what I want which will satisfy my value #8, independence.

So I totally need a job. TOTALLY. I have to get one regardless of whether or not I move out. Maybe I’ll put applying to a job on my daily todo list, not just tues and thurs. But I’m totally anxious about getting phone calls. if I don’t know who it is, I don’t answer. Also I’m nervous that I’ll get anxious and quit right away on the first day or the first week, like I have so many times before.

K. told me that I have a concept of a critical parent in my mind. That critical parent in my mind is more critical than my actual parents. Also Craig. I told K. about part of my identity which is a bitch, a pushover, a spineless coward who people pleases, agrees with people even if Chris doesn’t agree…

She said that’s a good thing to have named that person. To name them is to be aware of them. Interesting. I thought I was just slowly going crazy but I was praised for that development.

So I have to get a job. That was what I was getting at. Whether it’s repairing cell phones or building tiny houses, I gotta get significant income coming down the pipeline. If I move out, I need to be able to buy gas. If I stay here, I gotta be able to pay rent.

Fuck! I’m scared.

I should take steps towards living out of my suburban. If I don’t, the transition will be scary and uncomfortable and difficult.

Yikes. Ok what can I do? How about I do one thing per day to make my Suburban livable. It can be as simple as removing trash. It could be complex like applying window tint or building a cabinet. That’s pretty complex. Hmm, I could do it right after I do my daily training, so I’m already outside. Ok, I’ll do that, starting with tomorrow. I feel pretty overwhelmed right now, having to catch up and get back on track for sticking with today’s routine.

I’m adding that to my list. I sent myself an updated todo e-mail.

Ok so I asked A. if she would be interested in me mailing a hand written letter to her. I’m thinking baby steps in that department as well. A. seems afraid of customs and of giving me her address, so this might be a first step. Or maybe she’s not interested. Maybe she doesn’t want me to have her address. I can see that happening, given her story she shares with me. Maybe we’re co-dependent.

I don’t even know what that means. I’ll figure it out.


Pet peeves:

  • The phrase, “a whole nother.”
  • Inefficient pronunciation of the year. Example: “Two thousand and twenty”
  • The incorrect usage of the word, “anyways”

I learned about that first pet peeve from Stewie from Family Guy. Prior to hearing Stewie complain about that one, I was guilty of using the phrase.

Instead of “a whole nother,” “a whole other” is proper english.

Instead “Two thousand and twenty,” “Twenty twenty.” Imagine if people said, “One thousand nine hundred and ninety five” in 1995?!

Instead of, “anyways,” use “anyway.”

I could go for some ice cream right now. Or some pepperoni pizza. Vegan substitutes, of course.

I was asked if I missed anything after being on my vegan diet for 4+ years. Yes. greasy pepperoni pizza with extra extra extra Parmesan cheese. If you don’t know, extra Parmesan absorbs a lot of the grease which makes the pepperoni extra crispy!

Oh my god, that is good eating. My mouth is watering now.

I’m really digging the parchment paper I bought. It’s got a slight green hue to it. Green is my favorite color by the way. Maybe that’s why I love Hatsune Miku so much.

I thought I could go a whole blog post without mentioning Miku. Nope!

Oh, HUGE news. Hatsune Miku is going to be at Coachella! HUGE NEWS MY DUDES! I need to check ticket prices now. I had no interest until I heard this news. The VOCALOID Discord made a channel specifically for the people planning on attending Coachella to see Miku. I wonder if she’ll have her regular mates Luka, KAITO, MEIKO, Rin and Len? Time will tell!

Oh boy, this is big news indeed. Very exciting. Also I saw on the set list that Kyari Pyam Pyam is going to be there. I probably misspelled her name. Oh wow. I had no interest in going to Coachella until yesterday when I discovered that Miku will be there. Coachella is HUGE! I’m thinking I could at least flip a ticket if I end up not going. But I am thinking I want to go now. I have to live a little every now and again!

But the debt. Maybe I can get a job and it won’t be a big deal.

Ohh, here’s an idea. I buy a ticket on credit. If I get a job, I keep the ticket. If I don’t find a job by the festival date, I sell the ticket for a profit. Pretty good? Pretty good!

Now to see if my video gaming friends are interested. Could make for a nice meetup. If not, at least I will be able to meet some people from the VOCALOID discord.

I’m grateful for black beans which are a wonderful source of vegan protein. I’m also thankful for potatos, which have infinite preparation possibilities and are very delicious and healthy. I’m thankful for the organizers of Coachella who were willing to let Miku come and perform for the masses.

Have a great day!

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