I went to therapy this morning. It was very productive. I read aloud a letter I had written to my father. It was an uncomfortable experience reading this personal letter. I was nervous reading it.
Am I reading too fast? I’m definitely reading too fast. I should slow down. I’m nervous, I can’t slow down!
We did some good work and K. helped me see some errors in my ways. K. shared some of her own experiences which I appreciated.
I was strongly urged to share the letter with my dad. I went home and I re-wrote the letter to make sure I wrote it from a place of love. I shared the letter with my dad. I was so nervous. He read it to himself and I stood there waiting until he was finished. As he read the part of me considering suicide, he seemed shocked.
“Oh no. I’m sorry!”
I was surprised. I was surprised he would care so much. He took it in, re-reading parts of the letter. He was thankful that I had shared my thoughts with him, and concerned that I was okay. He said he has given me work all this time as his way to help me. He said he saw I wasn’t working and thought I could use the money. Of course I could use the money, but what I wanted more was as sense of financial freedom, and a freedom from my parents.
He gave me a hug and told me he loved me. I was so caught off guard because I was afraid that I’d be kicked out or shamed in some way. I didn’t get that, I got a loving response and genuine concern. I didn’t say much. I wanted to cry.
I went out back and did my daily training. I felt energized, but at the same time I was fighting off my emotions. I don’t want to cry.
I took a nap. I’m still feeling sad from earlier. I’m feeling sad because I was not expecting that was how my dad would take my letter. He actually apologized. I think I was more prepared for him to get upset, but he apologized and said that he loves me and he supports me.
I took a moment to let myself feel whatever I was feeling. I think I can move forward now.
Here’s Jamuary2020 Jam 31 work-in-progress. I don’t know what should come after this! I tried to encode into it my feelings of the jam coming to an end.
Maybe it should just stop as is? This is a jam after all, not really a full song. But a full sound would be nice to have. I think this goes intro, verse, pre-chorus, chorus, verse, chorus. I guess a bridge should come next, followed by another chorus to finish off the song. Short and sweet, yet complete!
Now I get to make a video to summarize the whole experience! I want a good face cam introduction, since I haven’t done such a thing in quite awhile. I’m planning on releasing this video YouTube, since that’s where I think it will have the largest effect.
I’m going to go ahead and feed two birds with one seed. I’ll be brainstorming what I would like to say in said video, creating my script as I journal my thoughts.
Jamuary is a month-long challenge created by TrueCuckoo here on YouTube. I took part in Jamuary this year, and commited myself to create one music jam for every day of the month.
I learned a lot from Jamuary. I learned more about song structure, chord progression, vocoders and VOCALOID. I made some tracks that I’m very proud of, some of which I think are the best I’ve ever made.
Jamuary wasn’t easy. There were days I didn’t feel like sitting down and investing the time into producing a track. Somedays I copped out and tweaked an old track and released that instead of creating something new.
I learned that my mood can affect the outcome of a track. When I was feeling sad, I would prefer minor chords. When I was happy, I would prefer major chords. Day 18 was an especially bad day. I poured my anger and frustration into the music, and I think that feeling is preserved quite well.
I hope you enjoy this music. I have included timestamps below, as well as a download link if you would like a copy of the entire jam collection. I’m happy to share and I hope that this music will experience a new life in other people’s projects.
Without further ado, here is DJ CrisP’s Jamuary2020 EP.
That sound pretty fucking good to me!
I’m cooking some curry right now. I think I added too much water. I usually don’t add any water, but I’m low on the lite coconut milk I usually used, so I used heavy coconut cream and just added water. I also added sweet corn. I think it was a mistake to add sweet corn. I should have ate it with the salad that I just ate. Well it was technically just chopped lettuce. I don’t know how to make good salad.
38 minutes and 37 seconds! That’s the length of all 31 tracks. The Jamuary video is going to be 40 minutes or so… Wow, that’ll be a long video!
I’m collecting stock footage. My original idea was to shoot video myself, but I sold my Canon Vixia already, and 40 minutes of good usable clips is going to mean several hours of shooting. Forget that! I’m not a filmmaker anymore. I do web development and music production and automate shit.
I found several cc0 stock footage websites via a youtube video. So now my challenge is selecting clips which fit the mood of each track. This is going to be a big project! I’m not worried about it though. I’ll just work on it every day in the time slot that was normally reserved for Jamuary.
February Faces? Am I to do that challenge? I dunno. I don’t know if I want to do art. Drawing art. I have a knack for it, but I never developed it… I dunno. Not feeling it at the moment. I’ll have to think about it.
I was told that there’s a good CoDA meeting tomorrow at 10AM in Spokane. That’s a 30 minute drive, but I think it would be worth it. I think I should go into debt for a better vehicle. I’m doing a lot more driving now, and I don’t think my Suburban is going to hold up for much longer. I don’t want to fix it if it breaks, and I don’t want to sell it when it’s broken…
The big thing is whether or not I can make enough money to pay an auto bill every month. Ugh, I keep going back and forth on this thought. I don’t want more debt! I want less.
I think this might become a necessary debt. I myself am an appreciating asset, and I am worth going into debt for. But a car is not an appreciating asset!
Ok, I just found some reason in that statement. A car is not a good thing to go into debt for. Well that just means I need to get $5000 ASAP so I can buy a smart car and sell my Suburban before it breaks. If it does break, this plan dissolves and I’m going to go into debt straight away and get a smart car.
No Tesla? No Tesla. Not yet. Well, if the plan of making money goes well, then I could get a Tesla if other conditions are satisfied. If I’m out of credit card debt, I think a Tesla would be okay to buy. That is a depreciating asset, but I think it’s going to hold it’s value better than a gas guzzler.
I’ll just ponder that some more. Tesla Model 3 vs. a Smart Car. One of them is my next car, I just don’t know which.
I’ve kinda dropped the idea of living out of a car. I think I need a shower and a toilet to be okay with where I live. More recently I’m thinking of leasing office space from which I could run my business. If I could shower and poop at work, then I could live out of my car. I’d just spend most of my time at my business.
It would take the right kind of property to be able to do that. Maybe like a house along Evergreen Rd. like the kind I see which get turned into computer repair store.
Oh, it’s a computer solutions store, not a repair shop. But just look at that! It looks like it has a little apartment in the back! That would be so perfect. Right along Evergreen Rd. That’s like two blocks from where _______ lives. I could rollerblade over there for some sick street seshes!
And the internet speed… Oh my goodness, I can only imagine the internet speed possible at a location in town like that. That’s a HUGE pain point of where I live right now.
My Jamuary2020 video is going to be in 720p because that’s all my internet can handle. It’ll probably take 3+ hours to upload it when I’m ready to do so! I’d be better off going to the library to upload. Travel time included, it would be faster.
That’s Ptera wireless internet speeds about 10 minutes southeast of Spokane Valley. I can’t get fiber or cable here. The fastest I can get is Verizon 4G internet, which cost $100+ every month, and I can’t afford that right now.
I have high hopes for SpaceX Starlink… That service is going to be a huge game changer! If my memory serves, SpaceX plans on launching a rocket full of Starlink Satellites every month this year. That’s just so mind blowing and I love that SpaceX is going to such great lengths to increase efficiency and scale up their operations.
While I’m on the subject, check out the latest Falcon 9 landing. The legs bent quite a bit on this one!
I hope someone like Everyday Astronaut or Scott Manley cover this landing. I want to know more about the legs bending! Was there a mistake in the software? Did the propellant run out? Is the rocket or it’s legs damaged? I need more information! Maybe I can find answers on Reddit.
That was the third Starlink mission, Starlink-3. Exciting times!
Elon posted an EDM track, “don’t doubt yer vibe.” LOL that’s pretty funny. It’s a good track! Props to the producer.
I got a big bowl of rice and curry in front of me. It’s too hot to eat though. It’s amazing how much food I can eat in a sitting. 2.19 lbs of rice, 3.44 lbs of curry. I was curious so I just weighed them.
I’m not that hungry right now, but it’s not abnormal for me to eat the whole thing. I need to subtract the weight of the spoon and the container… I don’t have a spare of either which I can weigh.
I want to make some bread! I have lots of flour and yeast and salt, that’s all I need! I want to do that sometime this weekend. Then I could make some toast and spread on some peanut butter! Such a powerful and delicious combo!
I’m grateful that I can type 70ish words per minute. It makes taking notes easy. I’m grateful that I took a touch typing course in college because my life has revolved around computers my whole life. It was inevitable, really. I put it off until college, but I knew the next step in my career path was to improve my typing.
Very grateful indeed. I’m grateful for the fact that I was able to write a letter to my dad and that he was understanding of what I wrote. I was grateful for my therapist K. who helped me work through the thoughts that were preventing me from giving him the letter.
I’m grateful for this curry in front of me. It is tasty and easy to make. I’m going to go partake now. Happy last day of January!
