Fri Jan 8 2021

I fucked up! I recorded a 2.5 hour podcast with my friend Christopher Toledo, and the audio was completely fucked. I recorded two instances of my microphone input, and zero instances of my desktop audio. Ahhhh I feel so defeated! This is a major loss, because our conversation had some excellent, authentic, gritty, vulnerable moments from Christopher, and I fucked it all up!

It’s very unfortunate, and I am disappointed with myself.

I was hoping to reencode the video and upload it to a cloud video editing service like descript or tella or frame, where we could both make edits and remove anything we didn’t want to be in there.

Honestly I just wanted to try out descript or frame. I think tella actually removed the functionality to upload clips, and instead the clips have to be recorded directly into the software.

I can’t afford to have the monthly expense of a cloud video editor… It’s not in the budget. I keep ignoring this fact and I just want to try them anyway.

It’s not even a good deal. Each team member would have to pay to use Tella, which counters traditional video editors… And it’s a monthly fee, so…

I’m sure it’s worth it for certain types of creators. Creators with a budget, LOL!

Anyway, I’m not sure where the podcast will go. Part of me wants to continue having the podcast with Christopher Toledo, but another part of me says that we will eventually run out of things to talk about, and I want to bring on other guests. Who’s podcast is it? That’s what I’m struggling with. Is it my podcast, and Christopher Toledo is the first guest? I guess that’s kinda how it went yesterday. I recorded the podcast, I was doing mostly question answering, and I was the one who was going to upload it.

IDK. I guess I’ll just proceed with the podcast being generic.

Honestly I already made a website using Eleventy. I just used a starter template that I know pretty well from video-website. I created a markdown file with notes from yesterday’s episode, so next time I can bring up the topics and hopefully get some of the same great conversation that I botched.

Ugh, if only I had tested the audio! If I detected the problem early, I could have saved the recording.

Not helpful! I’m thinking about should haves. There is literally nothing I can do at this point to salvage the podcast. There is no audio whatsoever of Christopher Toledo!

All I can do is resolve to make a change for the future. In the future, I’ll look at the audio monitor in OBS when we start recording. I did so yesterday, but I didn’t think anything of the microphone input and the desktop audio moving in unison. A correctly recording audio stream will have two, disparate movements in the audio monitor levels.

Yup. Okay. Yesterday was a #FAIL, and I hope that next time goes better.

The thing I’m worried about is that I don’t want my friend Christopher to feel excluded if I bring in other guests. I guess I want it to be my podcast. I guess that might be the best way to proceed. If for some reason Christopher wants to make his own podcast, he’s free to do that and I hope he does!

Well, I think it would be best to be upfront about that, then.

Ugh, does this even need to be a production? I just want to talk to people and level up my ability to do so. I want to ask questions like an interviewer, without, “Oh that’s nice” and “um” and “wow.” responses. Just go straight into the next question, without that fluff!

I actually think I did really good in that respect. I let Christopher do most the talking, and I just guided the conversation. We talked about video games and I could tell that that topic wasn’t engaging for either of us, so I changed the subject and asked, “Are you blue piller or red piller?”

Instantly the conversation became interesting again. A thought stream emerged which felt natural.

I have a cup of leftover tea on my desk. I don’t want to waste it, but I’m probably going to waste it. It’s been sitting out for 11 hours at this point!

Wow time flies. I slept after the podcast, so it’s only natural, LOL!

I’m starting to think of guests that I want to bring on the podcast.

  • Daniel O.
  • TruckerMatt
  • Friends from Eugene
  • Buddhist ministers from Spokane Buddhist Temple
  • CoDA Recovery friends

I think Thursday would be a great time to record conversations. If I could record just one episode a week, I would be incredibly happy. I’m imagining filling up the archive on my blog template, and storing all those conversations for the future.

I just ate breakfast, and I thought of a goal for this podcast. I want to have 100 conversations. When I reach 100, I’ll know whether I want to continue or not.

But are they really conversations? I’m using an interview format.. Eh, no, that’s not accurate either. I’m using an interviewer style, but I’m answering questions as well. In yesterday’s episode, I was answering everything that was thrown at me.

I might have natural talent for interviewing. I naturally prefer to listen! IDK. Probably too soon to tell. It might be related to my codependency. No, it’s probably related to my codependency.

I often feel inferior to other people. I even brought it up in yesterday’s podcast, how I have struggled with low self-esteem.

Well, I have changed! I did not feel inferior as I talked to my friend yesterday. I felt like I was an equal. I felt like I wanted to hear Christopher’s story, which is why I let him do most of the talking.

That’s a great thing I’m learning about having conversations. I don’t have to do all the talking. I can let the other person talk. It’s actually calming to not have to talk and expose myself.

Well, I want to expose myself. I want to expose my true, authentic self. I want to be who I am and feel accepted.

I think I found another goal for myself. I want to be my true, authentic self, even if I am not accepted.

We talked about gratitude yesterday, and how important that is as a method for being happy. It’s so true. I’ve noticed a big difference in my life by being more grateful for the little things.

Y’know what? I’m super grateful for how much progress I’m making in my life. Since having the resolution to have more work/life balance in my life, my DPC is looking fantastic. It’s got way more filled in boxes than non-filled boxes. My day to day life is filled with energy. I have drive to accomplish things, because I want to improve my life and I want to achieve my goals of financial independence.

I’m super grateful for the people in my life who give a shit about me. I’ve got siblings and parents who support me, I’ve got friends who appreciate me. I’ve got therapists and support groups who guide me. I’m in a good place!

Well, if I decide that my podcast needs a name, I’d call it 100 Conversations. That’s the name because that’s the goal of the project. I want to have 100 conversations, and see what I learn. I want to learn how to feel confident talking to people. I don’t know what I will actually learn!

Yeah, I think I want to make it clear to Mr. Christopher Toledo the intentions of my project. The reason I reached out to him to record a podcast is because I want to get better at talking to people. Strangers, friends, acquaintances, family… Anyone!

So that’s my goal. I don’t want him to feel excluded when I bring in other people. I’m pursuing my goals, I’m not against him or anything.

Yesterday, I expressed indecisiveness when I talked about my goal for the podcast. I think indecisiveness is a codependent pattern that I employ, as a means to shake the burden of responsibility. Well, I’ve thought about it, and I want to be honest about it. I hope to talk with Mr. Toledo many times, but I don’t think I want to do a podcast that is exclusive with just him.

Man, this feels like a business contract that I’m breaking. Well, I want to be honest! My goals aren’t to have a metaphysics podcast. I don’t know enough on the topic to do that! My goal is to improve my ability to have deep and meaningful conversation. IDK what Christopher Toledo’s goals are, but I think we have motivational overlap in that he wants to share what he has learned with me and anybody who is interested in listening.

I really enjoyed our conversation. I hope we can record another one soon, and next time, I’ll be extra careful to actually set up the recording properly!

Wrapping up today’s post with 1 more item of gratitude, followed by affirmations.

I’m grateful for the technology that has made it quick and easy for us to have a video conversation, regardless of our physical proximity. With very little effort on my part, my reach is worldwide!

39. I am worthy, and I stand on equal ground with my associates.

44. I deserve to have good things in life.
43. I choose to have the strength to move on to healthier relationships.


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