Fri Jul 24 2020

Holy shit, I just had an amazing round in Squad. It was like I had an aimbot, I was just snapping to the enemies and popping them in the head. I’m bummed that I didn’t record the experience because it was so badass.

I’ve had a few games like that in the past week. I call out, “contact” then I go *pew pew pew* then I go, “tango down” then I repeat the process and I just drop half dozens of enemies left and right.

I had one guy try to recruit me to ACM after a run like that. I’m not lookin’ for a clan though.

I had an amazing dinner. Brown rice, diced avocado and onion, black beans, sliced cherry tomato, super greens, lemon juice with crisped corn tortillas. YUM.

But that was hours ago. Hours and hours ago. I’ve had a hard hitting good day for card listing as well. I probably got 40-50 cards listed on eBay today.

It was a good day! My sleep schedule is still completely fucked, but I’m just working around it by not giving a fuck about it. I’m just working when I can, eating when I’m hungry, resting when I need it and makin’ progress on all the things.

979 inventory items. I’m right on track for 1000 new listings in July!

I betcha my first sea shipment is going to show up soon. I’m probably going to get updates about it once it gets imported to the US, but I’m just feelin’ good about it and I think it’ll be here soon.

I got my second sea shipment started on schedule on Wednesday. I’m getting getting my supply chain all set up and I’m feeling really good about it! Every three weeks I’ll be getting a new package full of new product. That’s the idea, and it’s looking good so far!

The challenge I have to overcome is to not overdo my product acquisitions. I fucked up on that last month and spread my leverage too thin. The way I can ensure that I don’t make that mistake again is to really respect the budgets I set.

I’ve got $100 a month on product acquisitions… That’s actually not enough to make both acquisitions and get them shipped to me. I might have to modify that budget as time goes on. Probably the $100 in shipping supplies budget could be for either acquisitions or packing material.

Ok so the bottom line is that I have to respect the budget. It’s not enough to simply have one.

8:09 AM. I ate some food and took my vitamins and I’m waiting for 8:30 to roll around so I can get out to the mailbox, talk a walk, then shower and go to bed. Very tired. I think I’m in for a week of shitty tired feelings as I reset my sleep schedule.

I’m advancing the timeline, as I seem to do every so often. I’ll wake up at 5PM, then 6PM, then 7PM, then I’ll continue on until I’m back to waking up in the morning.

Maybe this is the wrong way to do it. Maybe I should be forcing myself to stay awake until the sun goes down, so I can get back on a schedule that I like.


I think this is just what I gotta deal with every few months. A complete schedule reset, in which I feel like shit for weeks and weeks.

But this is all BAD. This is me not paying attention to my emotions. I’m working long hours on the computer and damaging my body and having no energy because I can’t mentally keep it together.

So maybe I should stay up?


I feel like shit, and I’m in for weeks of feeling like shit as long as I do nothing and keep up this behavior.


I slept. It’s now 7:24 PM. I feel good. Sleep was good.

I’ve had this song stuck in my head since ironmouse sang it yesterday.

I woke up singing it. God, it’s so catchy!

Renai Circulation. I keep forgetting the name but it’s such a good song!

I’m going to jump into Shy No Longer homework.

I finished reading the Module 1 Summary. It brought up an event that happened yesterday when I was playing Squad.

I was stressed out after a long day of working on the computer listing anime cards, so I hopped on Squad hoping for a fun, relieving game.

I joined a server that was finishing up a game of Narva. I did some Logi runs and resupplied a couple remote FOBs and my team was grateful for me.

Narva ended with our team winning the match.

Skorpo loaded up and I went for a helicopter.

A Squad leader approached me with the question, “are you good?”

I thought he was asking how I was feeling. I said, “Yeah?” I then realized that he was deciding on whether or not to put his faith in me as a helicopter pilot, since so many pilots in Squad drop the ball and crash the helicoper right off the bat.

I changed my reply to, “Yes.”

His Squad hopped in. While the staging phase was coming to a close, the Squad leader put a mark on the map and said that that’s where he wanted to go.

I said, “copy that” and we were off, right as the game started.

I approached the point slowly and that’s when the back seat flying started. The Squad leader assumed I was new at flying and started giving me all sorts of tips. The squad members did the same, expressing fear that we weren’t going to make it and that they regretted getting in the chopper to begin with.

There were no clearings to land in. It was trees everywhere.

Paired with the lack of landing zones, and the pressure of getting a Squad safely to the ground, my composure cracked.

I couldn’t talk properly. I couldn’t talk at all because of how tense I became. I knew if I spoke, they would hear the fear in my voice and that fear would amplify. My hands were shaking rapidly.

The other Squad leader was instructing me in direct command chat how to fly the helo, as if I were a new pilot. AS FUCKING IF I had never hovered before.

I felt like the biggest loser and the biggest idiot. I’m not new. I’ve put dozens of hours into flying helicopters in Squad.

I boot up Squad just to practice flying helicopters.

I’ve put hundreds of hours into Desert Combat flying helicopters. I flew stunts in those littlebirds. Fuck, I’m no newbie at all to video game helicopters but I totally broke down and lost my cool because of the fuckwads that were talking down to me.

The other Squad leader instructed me to land on the roof of a house. They wanted down NOW, and the pressure raised further.

The other Squad leader instructed me to breathe. It was like I was no longer an individual, but his puppet. I didn’t feel in control. I felt like I gave it up to that SL’s micromanaging instructions.

I brought it in nice and slow and did just that. The squad jumped out, and the SL put down a radio. I then drifted my rotors into a tree and fell out of the sky like a fucking noob.

I unloaded supplies from the helicopter than I pressed Alt+F4 and shut down my computer.

I was ashamed. I was a fool and I got what I deserved. I lost my cool and I placed my abilities in the micromanaging hands of the other SL.

I was completely capable of making that drop safely. I didn’t allow myself to try. Instead, I simply followed the audible commands of the other SL.

“Control your air speed. Tilt 5 degrees forward. Tilt 5 degrees back”

“Maybe he’s new.”

“Here, I’ll talk in command net so I don’t embarrass you.”


I was overwhelmed. I went into shutdown and I didn’t say a word. It’s probably a good thing (for them) that they started micromanaging my flying, because I don’t know if I could have got them on the ground…

No, that’s not accurate. I was completely confident in myself and my abilities. I was completely committed to getting them to their destination safely and without crashing. These are my ONLY commitments when I fly helicopters in Squad. I know I can do it, I’ve done it before, and I can do it again.

The problem was with the voices. There are no voices expressing doubt and applying pressure to land in a timely manner. It’s completely quiet in training, with only the gentle background noise of the muffled engine and rotors.

In a live game, there are nine+ fuckwads all trying to get me to act how they expect a pilot to act.

Maybe I’ll just mute everyone I’m transporting in the future. Everyone but the other SL. Or maybe even them too.

Oh yeah, that’s what real pilots do when they land!

I think it’s called a, “Sterile cabin.” Holy shit! This is a Eureka! moment!

I’ll use, “Sterile cabin” protocol in the future. This way, I can have a training-like experience, which is exactly the kind of thing I need to put my whole focus on the landing process!

After I calmed down, I later got back on Squad and I had a really good time, which I talked about at the start of this post.

There are those moments every so often when I’m a rifleman which are just incredible. I feel like a PRO when I snap to targets and blast them before they can blast me.

I think I hit a milestone of gunning down 5 opponents in under a minute? Or was it 6? I think I said a half dozen earlier, so I’ll say 6!

Next milestone is a whole squad of 9.

Actually, it’s possible that I’ve shot 9 in under a minute, back when I was playing with M. and we were ambushing an enemy Squad.

I dunno. I didn’t keep track back then.

Now I kinda keep track. I call, “tango down” whenever an opponent I shoot goes down.

Oh, yesterday when I had that great run… The thing that put a crimp in that groove was an enemy player juking me. He was prone around a corner. I hit him and saw the spray of blood and him roll over. I thought he was down, then he rolled back and shot me.

He did the lean juke that is possible when you’re prone. You can press Q or E and your avatar respectively leans to the left or right. Unlike when crouching or standing, It’s a whole-body lean which looks like a roll.

I mistook that lean for their avatar rag dolling. I’ll have to remember that in the future, and put extra bullets into baddies who are prone.

Speaking of avatars. ironmouse is going to get her avatar modified. She wants a succubus/demon tail and teeth. She did a poll for what kind of teeth, and the chat overwhelmingly chose, “one fang” over “skin fang”, “sharp teeth”, or one other option that I fail to remember.

I don’t think Twitch should show live poll results. I think doing that only influences voters to choose what is already winning. People want to win. I wanted to win, “skin fang” but it was so low that I didn’t even bother voting.

So basically you can influence twitch polls if you vote first and fast.

Hug time with mousey. Total ASMR when she hugs her microphone and her high pitched, muffled voice can be heard.

I got my calendar notification that it’s #topic-of-the-week time on Nerds United. Last week I made a topic suggestion that got a large response, and instead of contributing to the conversation, I checked out.

I think I did that because I want to be the alpha dog. I have to be on top, or I don’t feel worthwhile and I have to leave.

I’m not going to post a topic this week because of the same reason. I don’t want to spark a conversation and have to be a part of that conversation. I want to distance myself for some reason…

Do I feel better than? I’m better than these nerds and I don’t want to hang out?

No, I think I don’t want to feel vulnerable. I think I can have control of everything if I stay alone. When I’m in a group conversation, I lose control.

ok I’m out

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