Fri May 1 2020

rain, glass, it's raining

Paying rent yesterday was painful. I have so little money to spend on myself, and I spend a huge chunk of my income on rent. I loot at my upcoming expenses and I realize that I can’t spend money on myself at all. I have food stamps for food, and no money whatsoever for anything else. I have a nextcloud server that I am going to have to shut down because I can’t spend $10 a month on that. I already spend $10 a month on this blog, and this blog is too precious to get rid of. I’m definitely still in poverty.

It’s a shame that I have to shut down my nextcloud, because I put a lot of work into learning how to use it properly and create shared group folders, e-mail notifications. I even went as far as adding an SSL cert and a subdomain.

There’s gotta be a better way to share large files with friends. Something that cost me pennies a month to operate, and something with a large disk size. I suppose Dropbox is what comes to mind. If I had the bandwidth and a stable connection, I could just host nextcloud myself and I think that would completely solve the problem. Maybe I could get a friend with a good internet connection to set up a fileserver!

I woke up at 5:30. I woke up feeling refreshed for once! I had some dreams as well.

I dreamt that I moved back to Eugene, Oregon and worked at Putters again. A lot of the people I worked with in 2006-2007 still worked there, and it was nice to see them. E. still worked there but he had changed his hairstyle to long, black and shaggy. As E. would do, he’d appear from out of nowhere and assume control of the situation. He emerged from the hall to GameDay bar with a spring in his step. He made his way to the pizza ovens which he shut off and boistrously declared that we’re done cooking for the night.

The last three pizzas had just finished cooking, and had to be cut and served to the large, ongoing wedding party.

It was my sister K.’s wedding party. They had travelled all the way from Spokane to Eugene just for a wedding party at Putters. My parents visited the kitchen where I was working, and were excited to see the place I spoke so highly of. The place which spawned endless stories, rich friendships, and mountains of personal growth.

I cut a pizza. It has been so long since I’ve cut pizzas using that big, two handed stainless steel blade, and I cut the pizza poorly. I tried to correct my mistakes by cutting more, but I realized the pizza wasn’t properly cooked. I turned the oven back on so we could run it through again.

E. came over and inspected my work. He said the pizza was no good because of how poorly I cut it. He turned the ovens back off and tossed the pizza in the garbage.

I went to assist boxing up some pizzas. I boxed up a personal sized pizza and as I did so, a kid ran into the kitchen and ate a piece of the pizza, promptly disappearing. I continued to box the pizza up and I figured I could offer the customer a free soda because I couldn’t simply re-make the pizza. The ovens were already off, as E. had mandated!

Sounds of laughter and arcade games and lazer tag were heard echoing off the walls and into the kitchen from the customer areas.

I moved onto something else. I went and washed dishes, one of my favorite things to do at Putters. It was repetitive, it was dull, it was gross, but it was something that I could zone out on and it would quickly pass the time. There was a newbie working at the Dishwasher who was doing a poor job. His dishes would come out dirty and I ended up re-washing them for him.

I stacked the last of the clean drinking glasses as A. came in and dismissed me for the night.

I found out via text that K. had been kidnapped. I met with my mom and we received a phone call from the captor. She was to be released the next day, but we had only their word to go off of.

We tried to stay calm, but we were angry. My sister, mom’s child, was a captive in her wedding dress. I feared that we may not see her alive ever again.

I started to wake up around that point. I tend to wake up when my dreams become disturbing. When I have dreams like this, I like to psychoanalyze them as best as I can. I’m definitely lonely, and I think I projected that emotion into my dream. My loneliness was relieved as I returned to work with old friends. I was happy and I felt alive to provide value to the customers of Putters, including my family and extended family who were celebrating K. and E.W.’s wedding.

I was happy to relieve a co-worker who wasn’t enjoying washing dishes. I was happy to get back into the grind which was dull but rewarding.

I identified a true fear of mine, the jealousy of losing a loved one to death. Another fear is of the mean stranger who in this case kidnapped my sister. A mean stranger who kidnaps and kills is an exaggeration. I’m simply afraid of a mean stranger in general, which makes meeting people difficult for me.

I’m happy to see my parents when they’re happy. In the case where they came to the kitchen to see how things were done, I was happy to please them and happy to share a part of myself with them.

Love and belonging is what Putters represents. It’s not a cakewalk. Like with the undercooked pizza or the kid who stole a slice of a customer’s pizza, there are constant challenges. It takes hard work and maintenance but it’s worth it!

Fear and jealousy is what the kidnapping represents. I’m so afraid of potential outcomes in my own life, that I often don’t act. It’s the same with the kidnapping. Did I go try to find my sister and the kidnapper? No, I shut down and figured it was hopeless. I do that in my life in situations with far less consequence.

It’s J.’s birthday today. I sent him a JibJab Birthday card with his face on various 80’s themed epic movie situations. The funniest one is a buff dude with long blonde hair on a Unicorn with a sword, only instead of a sword, it’s a birthday candle. He raises the candle to the sky and it gets struck by lightning and lit on fire.

I’ve made some good investments lately. I sold a P-Memories Anohana booster pack for $50. That was a really good investment because I got three Anohana booster packs for $19.27. Market arbitrage is a wonderful thing! All that means is buying an item in one market and selling it in another market. In my case, I buy from Yahoo Auctions Japan and sell on eBay US.

I sent out a marketing e-mail to a past customer who bought some anohana cards from me. I let them know I had a few Anohana booster packs available and that one was already spoken for. That validated the listing cost of $60 and gave them reason to buy right away! No reply though. It’s to be expected. I didn’t expect that they would buy, I just wanted to be thorough and ensure that relevant customers get their eyeballs on my listing!

I’ve got four stacks of bulk P-memories cards to go through today. A lot of them are from anime I haven’t seen before. Mashiroiro symphony, Release the Spyce, and Samurai girls to name a few. There’s too many anime out there for me to see them all!

I used to have a goal to see as much anime as possible. To this day, I keep track of every anime I have ever seen on I think I’m in the 200s. I know someone who’s seen over 1000. I haven’t been feeling like watching anime lately. I think anime is something I desire when my life is too difficult to deal with. I use anime as an escape from reality, much like some people use alcohol for the same reasons.

I watch an episode here and there, but I haven’t been getting lost and obsessive about anime like I have been in the past. I suppose this is a good sign. I’m practicing moderation and I’m dealing with my problems to the point where I don’t need to escape. My life is good enough at this moment. I am living the life I want to live and I’m pursing financial stability. I’m writing code or studying every single day. I’m writing 2000 words a day, eating a vegan diet, exercising at least 5 times a week, being frugal, reading self-help books, spending time with friends on video games… My life is hella fucking good right now!

I keep thinking about what I’ll say when someone asks me about my work.

“I’m really struggling financially, but I’m hopeful that it will work out and I’m excited for the future. I’ve got some great habits nailed down. I have a solid routine, a stout work ethic, and plenty of resources to manage my stress.”

Chris Grimmett, May 2020

I’d want to say something to that extent. I’m truly excited for the possibility of growing this thing into a profitable machine. That reminds me, I forgot to add today’s P-Memories Anohana booster pack to my return on investment sheet! I’ll have to do that in 8 minutes when my writing session ends.

Pomodoro technique is changing my life. I think I could make an entire article about this topic. I think it could be a good read. Pomodoro technique is definitely something that I want to share with people, because of how simple it is to do, and how beneficial it is. I take breaks every 25 minutes now. I force myself to take them. I at least have to stand up and walk around. Sometimes I’ll pull up a 5 minute meditation video, sit cross-legged on the floor, close my eyes, and follow along with the prompts.

By taking breaks, I realize just how stressed out my body becomes after sitting at the computer. I realize just how detrimental it is to my posture and my muscles. I used to just take on this extra stress and carry it with me throughout the day. Now, I like to use my break time for stretches, yoga poses, squats, or simply laying down for a few minutes and resting my eyes.

Pomodoro technique is about focus. I get the most out of it when I intentionally focus on a specific task, and don’t allow myself to deviate. I have been compulsivly switching tabs and scrolling news feeds much less because I only have 25 minutes to do something. I want every minute of that 25 minutes dedicated to the task at hand, not wasted with Ctrl+Tabbing and ingesting useless information!

I’ve got a Zoom meeting today with my therapist. It’s the first time we’re having a meeting of this kind. Apparently next week we’re going to be starting a small group to study shame resilience. Another zoom meeting, of course, due to the COVID-19 panic.

I’m starting to think that the reaction to COVID-19 was an overreaction. I’m starting to think that this is just a regular flu season. Apparently there are cases where people who die from heart attacks during this pandemic are counted as COVID-19 victims. Hospitals are getting extra money for patients who are labelled as having COVID-19. I don’t know if those two things are related, but I’m frustrated by the economic collapse that is happening.

I think it’s time to open shit up. Texas and Georgia are already doing it. Come on, Washington! Let’s follow the brave leaders and get this show back on the road!

I’m grateful for my therapist K. I met with her this morning on zoom and it was a good experience. Difficult to socialize, as usual, but I let go of control and allowed myself to be vulnerable.

I’m grateful for Michael Jackson. His dance moves and his energy are brilliant. I have been listening to Beat It and Thriller the past few days. There are so many cool dudes in Beat It. There’s one scene with one of the gang leaders where he walks out of the darkness with his shades and his chin in the air. The way he steps and that air of strength and confidence about him is so cool!

I’m digging that Piano T-shirt that Michael wore when he was in his bedroom. I found it on Amazon!

I’m grateful for thai peanut sauce. I had to throw out the dried garbanzo beans that I cooked. I can’t get them right! They end up chalky and dry, even though I soaked them for 9 hours and cooked them for 1. I’ll just have to keep trying, and finding alternative instructions which are easier to follow.

93. I can show kindness to others.
94. I’m not sure what will happen tomorrow, but I’ll take care of myself so I am strong enough to face it.
95. I choose to approach my problems with a calm heart and mind.


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