Fri Nov 13 2020

Capitalism is responsible for shitty OPs played over and over.

If the goal of society was artistic prowess, maybe there would be a new OP per every episode. Instead, it’s one shitty OP played at the beginning of every episode and we have to endure it every time we want to get to the actual new content xD

Ok that was just a note I had written weeks ago that I had to write in here so I could get rid of the note paper which was causing clutter.

The shit I want to talk about today is how I played Stormworks yesterday and I felt terrible for doing so.

I planned on ending at 11PM, I actually ended at 12PM. Stormworks is a game a lot like minecraft, and there is a lot of programming and creative design which goes into playing the game.

It’s a game which works a part of my brain that doesn’t like to stop once I finish playing. It’s a lot like writing code, which is something I cannot do late in the evening because doing so will keep me up late. I’ll be laying in bed and I won’t be able to stop thinking about how I can optimize a certain part of my creation, or I’ll be brainstorming improvements I can make.

I felt anger, regret, and depression after playing Stormworks last night.

I felt angry that I didn’t disconnect at 11PM when I planned on disconnecting at 11PM. I did not disconnect because I didn’t want to leave the game with only a 10 minute warning. I had spent two and a half hours making a stupid truck that I didn’t want to make. I only made it because I felt like that’s what I’m supposed to be doing.

Everyone else was building their things, getting into the zone, not talking… This isn’t a game I want to play. This isn’t a game at all! This is like everyone going into their corner of the opium den and shooting up, and every now and then someone asks, “Can I poop?”

The “Can I poop” thing stems from necessity… They’re talking about the poop of the ship or something. If someone has spawned their boat into the harbor, and another person does the same, the two boats will collide and it causes destruction and it’s just annoying for everyone. There’s no way to preview the harbor before spawning, so the question gets asked in voice chat so everyone can get on the same page.


I can’t monetize the time I would spend on this game. In fact, I’m probably just making the developers rich by spending time on the game, building cool things, and injecting that content into the community.

Stormworks lets people write the legit programming language Lua directly into the microcontrollers in the game. Those microcontrollers can control parts of vehicles like engines, motors cranes, rudders.

The sky is the limit. This is a legit game development engine disguised as a game.

I’ve been duped into this. I regret ever accepting the gift of this game from my brother, and I’m being completely serious about this.

This is not something that is worth my time. It is literally unhealthy for me to play this game.

Anger, regret, and depression are the result of “playing”?

That’s not healthy.

I’m scared that this is an addiction about to form. I’m scared of relapsing, discontinuing my daily progress, and becoming completely involved with Stormworks while reaping nothing but suffering from it.

If I could work for Stormworks, be paid for my time, I wouldn’t be having this conversation.

If I could readily monetize my efforts by streaming or doing paid microcontroller programming or making tutorial vids or something… Maybe this would be okay.

But it’s not okay. I’m literally accellerating my lonliness when I’m playing Stormworks. I’m not helping anybody build, I’m just of in my own corner getting my dose of dopamine, while simultaneously damaging my earning potential.

I can’t be programming at night. I’ve had that policy for months now. Stormworks is not a game, it’s programming. If I play at night when my friends play, that’s programming at night.

Here’s another thing that bothers me. I have successfully stayed away from video games for a majority of the days of the week. Now I have this game which was gifted to me, and I feel obligated to play it with my brother who gifted it to me. He plays 7 days a week.

Ok stop right there. Detective work says that no, I have no obligation to play the game. I did not agree to any such thing in order to accept the gift. I didn’t even know I was going to be gifted the game when my brother was asking me about logic gates.

Ok then. I have no obligation to play. This is my codependency showing up in force. I do not exist to appease my brother or my friends. I need to lay down my healthy boundaries, and my boundaries are that I only play video games 1 or 2 days a week. I’m already over my quota for this week. I played on Tue, Wed, and Thu. I already made plans to play Northgard tonight…

Ok so I have an excuse to get out of Stormworks tonight, because I have a game night with my brother D. so what about tomorrow or sunday? Those days are both going to be hard to say no to, because they’re a weekend.

I think my brother B. has a video game addiction. I think he does it to avoid all his problems. His house is usually a mess. I’ve only seen his kitchen clean a couple times which was when his wife’s mom cleaned it.

I think he’s trying to drag me into his addiction so he can feel less ashamed or lonely or something.

I can’t just say yes.

Successful people say no to most things.

I was right for wanting to decline the gift.

I have regret that I accepted the gift.

This is not a joke. I have a real problem with video games, especially video games with a high degree of customization and/or creativity.

I cannot spend 1000s of hours on another game, unless it’s time spent creating and maintaining a game.

I think I need to go cold turkey on this one.

This is like Minecraft all over again. I have to be open about this, explain my reasoning, and communicate shame. I can’t just say no one time and then jump back in another time.

It’s 1 day a week, and nothing else. I have been playing games on Tuesday and I want that to be an exceptional event. I cannot maintain my focus on reaching my goals if addictive video games becomes a part of my routine.

I’m really frustrated about this. I woke up today feeling exhausted. There are other factors, for sure. Like how I rode my bike for the first time in about a week. Or how I really pushed the envelope yesterday and got everything done that I wanted to do.

Video games are a trap for me. I have sunk into them so many times before. Minecraft was probably the worst time for me, ever. I had lots of great times and I don’t regret it, but that was during a time in my life when I could spare the time. I had a job and I didn’t have to worry about money.

Now is different. Much different. I can’t be impulsive and play whenever I want. I especially can’t be impulsive and play when my brother wants. I can’t please him by playing. I don’t want to please him by playing.

Our game sessions seem to be a minimum of 3 hours. When I disconnect, there is often resistance in me doing so. “Oh come on…” that sort of thing.

I don’t think my brother has realized reality tunnels yet. I also know there is a lot of codependency baked into our family, and I don’t think he realizes what codependency is, or how it can be harmful.

Again, I can’t make it about my brother. This is about me. This is about my mental health. I don’t want to play a game that is mentally equivalent to programming. I can’t do halfway. I can’t play just a part of the game, and ignore the other part. I can’t play for just an hour. I can’t play just one time.

I can play tuesday OR wednesday. And that’s it for the week. Anything more than that becomes a real problem for me.

I’m trying to think of what I could say to decline to play.

Sorry, I can’t play Stormworks. Stormworks is a game engine disguised as a game. That sort of thing is very addictive for me and I can’t afford to get into that right now. Even if there is no code used, Stormworks is programming. It’s my policy to not code at night– the excitement of brainstorming and optimizing keeps me up for hours afterwards.

It’s my policy to not play video games on weekends, because weekends are often difficult for me to maintain discipline and moderation.

In order for me to have a good day, I need computer breaks every 25 minutes to exercise or stretch. Stormworks sessions seem to be a minimum of 3 hours, during which I am glued to my seat.

When playing Stormworks, I end feeling angry, regretful, and depressed.

I’m on a mission to bring Precious Memories TCG to the USA, and having a video game addiction is going to inhibit my ability to achieve that mission. If I am to be successful in building a profitable business, I have to say no to a lot of things.

I don’t think I want to play even on Tuesday or Wednesday. Again, to do so would be programming at night.

I’m going to think on these topics a bit more, but I think I summed it up pretty well. In this moment, I’m not doing well. I feel exhausted and hung over and regretful about playing that game.

It’s legit addictiveness. A big part is money. I can’t have something addictive in my life which takes away from my earning potential. Not right now, when I make so little money. I can’t even afford groceries– the state is funding those at the moment. I can’t afford rent– my savings are sustaining me. I’m in debt! Credit card payments keep coming in, continuing that trend.

Ok so I am in a bad mood right now. I’m realizing that now that I seem to only be thinking about the negatives.

Still, I think Stormworks is a bad game and a great development environment, but I think I covered that in enough detail for now.

I’m going to take a nap today. That’s for sure. I am just drained. I have worked really hard this week. I made a lot of progress on a lot of things. I made at least 1 sale every day, and that’s wonderful!

We’re in for heavy snow today. The blizzard weather seems to have disappeared from the forecast, which is nice.

Yeah, I’m pretty drained today. I’ve been using my pomodoro timer when using the computer. I am not very good at getting off the computer right when the work period ends. I usually stall for a few minutes before I get off. Then when it comes to breaks, the moment the break timer ends, I’m back on the computer.

I’ve got zits on my butt and that happens when I sit too much. I’ve been on the computer for too much time this past week! Also I still sit on this fucking hard wood chair and it’s terrible for my body…

I’m tired.

5 minutes left for writing. I’m going to wrap this up and go take a nap. I had breakfast about 30 minutes ago. I ate leftover oatmeal which tasted terrible because I put Warrior Blend in it. Also it didn’t have any nutmilk in it because I made it yesterday before I had gone to the grocery store to restock my non-dairy milk. But no really, Warrior Blend is disgusting. For something that gross, I hope it does wonders for my body!

3. I know the limitations of my body and mind. I communicate them with my commrades.

I’m grateful for the free food that I received from my family on Sunday. I got a little bit of everything and there were some real treats in there.

I’m grateful that I was able to make it to the grocery store yesterday. I’m grateful to have more chocolate hempmilk which is super yummy and keeps my brain fed for hours.

I’m grateful for moderation, and the times when I am gentle and kind towards myself.

Looking for VOCALOID trading cards?

Check out Sakura Blossom Trading Post