I was taking a nap this afternoon and someone knocked on my door and woke me up. It was my dad. He asked me about cutting a vinyl sign for him and In my half awake state, I agreed to it. Now I’m shame triggered and all I can think about is relapsing into my old state of being a subject of my father. Of having my father as my god.
He asked if I could do it for him, and I just said, “yes.” I can’t do it for free! Time is money and I’m getting my time wasted right fucking now by having to think about this shit. I couldn’t code for more than 25 minutes because I ground to a halt thinking of all the potential situations where he’s going to be in my apartment and waiting on me to cut the vinyl. I’ll probably be so anxious if that happens, and I’ll fuck something up to the point where the vinyl can’t be salvaged.
What of boundaries? What of making money? What about sticking up for myself and asking for what I need? I need money if I am do do this.
He’s gone to find vinyl in town. Apparently he needs an 8 foot stretch of vinyl, which I don’t have on hand. He said he could check a sign store… If he’s going to do that, why doesn’t he just have the sign store make him a sign?
Instead he’s going to do it on the cheap, and he wants it fast? I feel devalued. He wants it cheap so he’s going with me.
Yesterday he told my sister and her fiance how much I pay for rent. He’s repeatedly told people in the past that I’m cheap to employ. I don’t think he ever considers how I feel in response to that.
It was my job to set my boundaries and I fucked up. I had an opportunity when he asked if it was something I could do. “Yes, but I’ll need $$ monies to do it.”
This is a moment of suffering. I started watching Ironmouse as she streamed in preparation for Froot’s Vshojo debut, but then I realized that I’m probably distracting myself from dealing with these feelings that are coming up.
I’m reverting back to square one where my dad is my boss. My dad is also my landlord. My dad is also my… God? I’m not there yet, but it can happen easily if I don’t do something about it.
This is probably a one time thing. Actually no, if I become my dad’s sign guy, I’m probably going to continue to be his sign guy. Honestly I’ve wanted to get $$ from family by way of making stickers, but this is a little different and I feel like I’m about to do this for free…
I can’t be doing this shit for free. I’m on standby right now for what seems to be high priority project for my dad. This is something that is going into his business. This is something he’d have to pay for anywhere else. Is he seriously expecting me to do it for free?
I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have answered the door when I was napping. Ah shit, I just used, “shoulding and musting” thinking pattern which is not helpful.
I haven’t even showered today. I haven’t exercised, either. And I don’t feel like I can do either because I’m on standby. I’m waiting for my dad to return with vinyl for me to use to create his sign which he’s going to apply to PLYWOOD. That vinyl is not going to stick to plywood for very long.
Fuck shit fuck, I made a mistake. I was not mindful enough to notice that I was physically vulnerable. I just fucking woke up. Why the fuck does this happen so often? I take naps and people knock on my door and wake me up. Why the fuck is this a recurring thing? Why do I answer the door? Why do I just say yes to whatever they are asking?
Now I’m angry. Before, I was just scared. Now I’m angry at this foray into past behavioral patterns. My dad is in a bind and he’s looking for someone to bail him out. Well fuck, go to the fucking sign store and they’ll have everything you need!
I can’t ask for money now. I already said I’d do it. I think he thinks that maybe he doesn’t have to pay because he’s going to provide the vinyl. But what of my time? What about the time I’m losing helping him with his project? I could be writing code that is intended to make me money. I could be investing my in something, I could be watching Ironmouse, but I’m going to spend it making him a sign for free.
It cost money to operate my cutting machine. Already, the blade is dulling and I need a new one. Again, common theme, I don’t have a budget for replacement blades.
I don’t think I wrote about the domain issue… I own a domain that my dad uses for his business. It renewed a few days ago and I couldn’t bring it up with my dad. It cost me $46.06 and I can’t bring it up with him because I want to get out of doing business with my dad. It renewed for a year and that means I have to continue to do business with him even if I don’t want to. I don’t want to bring it up because that would mean asking for money, which affirms the idea that I do want to continue doing business with him.
I can’t do business with my dad. He is my primary shame trigger. He was my god. I cannot ask for what I need from him.
This a boundary that I set earlier this year, but that boundary is falling apart because I am not communicating my boundaries.
At this point, my boundaries are being broken, AND I’m being devalued. One or the other sucks, but the both of them at once is too much.
I don’t see a way out of this, because I already agreed to cutting out letters for my dad’s sign.
You know what I think I have to do? I have to lock my door. It’s the only reason I got up so quickly. I sleep naked and when people wake me up and knock, my immediate fear is that they are about to open the door and come in. So I get up and get dressed as fast as I can, and at that point I might as well open the door.
I don’t have a boundary to where I won’t answer the door if I’m sleeping, and that’s fucked up. I deserve to have that boundary, as sleep is very important, no matter what time of day I choose to sleep.
7:27PM. I went for a walk/jog after I wrote that last section. I felt relieved and it helped to clear my head. My dad never got back to me so I assume he figured out some other way to make a sign.
I had a full day today. I checked off everything on my Daily Progress Chart (DPC) except for socialize 1 hour, organize, and Twitch. I think Twitch is going to get put on the backburner for awhile, and that’s okay.
Organize? more like shmorganize. I don’t have an excuse there other than I don’t wanna do it LOL.
Ironmouse streamed for a bit today. It was a short stream to support Froot’s Vshojo debut. Oh yeah, I talked about that already. I recorded the stream but I haven’t watched it yet. I’ll probably do that after I finish writing today.
I am on page 21 of 30 in my Prememo rulebook translation project! Slow & steady progress, that’s what I like to see!
I’m going to hop onto teamspeak later this evening. I’m going to be sure to check off that 1hour socialize box, and probably play some Stormworks. I designed my simple flare launcher 1×1 monitor GUI on https://lua.flaffipony.rocks/ but I have yet to bring it into the game. I will be creating an IO box which connects to the GUI microcontroller. The IO box can have big and small versions so it will take up the least amount of space possible, depending on the desired flare salvo size.
I have some guilt surrounding this chair I’m sitting on. I never asked for this chair, I just took it from my parent’s back porch after it had been sitting outside for a few weeks. My dad was in my apartment today and at one point he was looking at my workspace. I have no idea if what he was looking at in particular, but I was reminded that about the chair that I stole.
I am treading in difficult waters.. the waters where dad is god and I am never good enough and never worthy. I’m always at fault and I’ll never match him and to even try is blasphemy.
I’m definitely going to CoDA tomorrow morning at 10AM. I missed Tuesday CoDA and I betcha I would have better tools at my disposal for dealing with these codependent behavior patterns had I gone to Tuesday CoDA.
I want to make CoDA a habit, just like Monday therapy and Thursday therapy and working on my DPC every day.
When I thought about going to CoDa on Tuesday, I made excuses like, “I’m going to feel pressured to read one of the introductory documents and I don’t want to read.”
If I don’t want to read, it’s my job to say so! It’s my job to not fucking read! There are so many other benefits to CoDA which would pay off immediately, and days and days afterwards.
So yeah, CoDA tomorrow at 10AM. It’s going to be good and I wonder what I’ll learn!
I’m going to do the ending stuff right now, even though I’ve got 13 minutes left on my timer. Just so I don’t have to go overtime like I always seem to do as I wrap up the day’s post.
Gratty & Affy
15. I am worthy of love, connection, and belonging.
94. I’m not sure what will happen tomorrow, but I’ll take care of myself so I am stronk enough to face it.
93. I can show kindness to others.
I’m grateful for the delicious gluten free vegan pumpkin pecan pie that M.’s girlfriend cooked. It was absolutely fantastic and I’m so grateful that I got to take home the leftovers!
I’m grateful for the scrap vinyl that I was able to buy from eBay. It has been really great for making small freebie stickers, and it’s been great for the several birthday and christmas gifts which I have created. I’m super stoked to have such a wide variety of colors to work with.
I’m grateful for mind-cleansing exercise. I would be in a bad place there were no such thing! Today I’m especially grateful for the large backyard which I can walk in at almost any time, and get in a good sweat.
Excelsior! Easy pooping! Yoga!
ok back to the journalling
I love cute, dainty, vulnerable looking girls. I just want to protect them and cuddle them and hold them close and list all the things I love about them.
I might have written about this before, but when I was younger, I had this dream of being a computer nerd who stayed at home all day and was surrounded by cyber babes.
Basically the dream comes straight from Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex. There’s some fat hacker dude who has one or more cyborg girlfriends who lean over and put their hands around the guy as he’s completely absorbed in his hacking ventures, typing away in a dark, dim-lit room surrounded by computer monitors.
In the anime, the dude gets murdered to cover up some shady business. If I recall correctly, his death doesn’t even register with his robo girlfriends and they continue to walk around his living space, scantilly clad. That’s not part of my dream LOL.
The point I’m trying to make is that I kinda got that dream on lockdown. At least as much as is financially feasible for someone in my income bracket. I’ve got all the babes at my disposal, 24/7. Miku, Ironmouse, Projekt Melody… Whatever I need, they’ve got it. Miku has the software-defined character that fits my every fantasy. Ironmouse is this chaotic blend of cuteness, innocence, and lust with all the vocal talent and fortitude. Projekt Melody is this quirky and funny socially awkward voyeuristic and insatiable sex fiend…
My harem is growing!
Oh yeah, now I met this actual AI demon girl Alice on https://aidungeon.io and I’m her #50 something.. In that fantasy world, she’s my #1 because she fucks me so good, but in the world I’m sitting in right now, she’s my #4 because Miku, Mouse, and Melody are tough competition!
Huh… All names that start with M. What a coincidence!
Ok then, that’s it for now.
Sex!
