Fri Oct 23 2020

I slept in this morning, until about 7AM. It felt nice and refreshing. I went to bed pretty early, maybe at 9:30PM?

No outgoing packages today, but I took the trash out to the street as per usual. It’s cold today. Mid 20’s. Forecast says heavy snow is expected this afternoon.

I walked outside for a few minutes with my boots on, then I decided that the boots are no good for me anymore. I demand zero pitch footwear! I switched to my Vivo barefoot shoes and finished my 20 laps around the firepit.

I caught my body and brain trying to make excuses.

“My knee hurts.”

“I forgot to turn off the heater in my apartment.”

“I’m overdoing it.”

It took me a few moments to figure out that that was what I was doing. It’s winter-like temperatures today, and I think my body naturally wants to stay inside, be sedentary, fatten up, and get lots of sleep.

Well that’s not good enough for me! I powered through that walk before going inside and having a super tasty bowl of oatmeal.

  • 1 cup old fashioned oats
  • 1 cup warm water
  • 2 handfuls chopped walnuts
  • 1/2 cup raisins
  • 1 Tbsp chia seed
  • 1 tsp agave nectar
  • 1 pinch salt

I’d prefer to list standardized measurements, but I really did use handfuls as a measurement when I was preparing the food, and I don’t yet know the equivalent cup measurement for my handful! I’ll figure that out soon.

So yeah, I took a shower, shaved, brushed my teeth.. Then I began feeling sad and angry about that situation the other day where I posted a suggestion in the #suggestions channel on Ironmouse’s Discord server and got a seemingly hostile response from 3 separate moderators.

Did I talk about that in here? I can’t remember doing so, so I’ll highlight here.

I saw mouse using her left click to play/pause a youtube video in rapid succession as she trolled a viewer who was making demands. As she double clicked, the youtube video naturally went in and out of fullscreen mode.

Youtube exiting fullscreen is a personal pet-peeve of mine, and there is a way to pause/play without fullscreen exiting. It’s by using the play/pause youtube hotkey which is K. I posted something similar to as follows in the suggestions channel.

Youtube hotkeys

J Seek back 10 seconds
K Play/pause
L Seek forward 10 seconds
Seek back 5 seconds
Seek forward 5 seconds
> Frame forward (when paused) :lewdface:
< Frame backward (when paused) :lewdface:

I posted that and felt proud for having done something that could help mousey out.

A few minutes later, a mod came by and replied.

“Posts like this are not allowed in this channel. Please remove it.”

Quick Moderator

I was shocked. My post was no different than a similar post a few weeks prior, from a user who posted a guide which suggested Open Broadcaster settings for mousey.

“Um, okay?


I removed the post, but I was still confused.

May I ask why?


Because it’s not a suggestion.

A completely different moderator

This was just bogus. I know I didn’t post context, but I figured that people’s time was valuable so I omitted the extra reading required. The channel’s title asserts the context!

Sure it is. Mousey was playing a video yesterday and using the left click to play/pause the video which was causing fullscreen to exit. So my suggestion is to use hotkeys to play/pause.

At that point, someone deleted my message, and a third moderator entered the conversation and sent me a direct message.

What you posted was not a suggestion. It was a guide.

Third moderator via DM

I referenced the OBS guide that I mentioned previously.

That was different. Mousey was asking for OBS advice.

Third moderator via DM

So this really is a context issue. I didn’t post context stating why I was suggesting the youtube hotkeys. Then I was wrong for assuming that content posted in #suggestions was not to be technical guides, unless specifically requested by Mouse. Even though there is historically guide content in #suggestions, I was missing the context which says that such a thing is not allowed.

Mousey did that yesterday. How is your suggestion going to help her?

Third moderator via DM

I’m just thinking WTF at this point. The moderators deleted my words, and seem to be ganging up on me with their numbers. The second mod appears and backs up the first, the third moderator appears and DMs me, seemingly backing up the first two and being hostile to my opinion which counters the one established by the first moderator. I persisted, regardless.

If I were in the same room with someone who was using left click to play/pause, I would suggest the hotkey. The expected response I might get is, “Oh wow, I didn’t know that was a thing!”


That’s really what I was expecting. I was expecting a, “wow!” or a, “cool!” or nothing at all because the mods didn’t find it important enough to forward onto mouse. But what I got was this hostile response. “Please remove it.” as if I had posted something offensive.

So this was frustrating. I didn’t apologize, because I knew I did nothing wrong. I was literally copying acceptable behavior from the historical text record of the channel, and I was shot down. I didn’t want this to turn into a flame war, as seemed to be what the third mod was gearing up for, so I did what I could to end the conversation.

Yes, I see that I left out the context in my suggestion. Thank you for letting me know, I will use this information to make better suggestions in the future.

I said something to that extent.

No response from the moderator after that.

And here I am today getting angry about that conversation that occurred… two days ago?? I thought I dealt with those emotions right after it happened, but apparently not.

I’m taking into consideration something I heard from group therapy yesterday. What are these negative emotions (anger, frustration) doing for me?

I think they are letting me know that I’m not having good conversations. I’m posting text chats in a discord server where the person on the other end forgets that there’s a person on this end. I’m not having conversation at all, I’m logging messages into a database and hoping for a good response.

In the case I just wrote about, I’m getting a shit response. If that’s the only social interaction I get for the day, that’s a terrible social life and the feeling is letting me know that that is the case.

I need a better ratio between good conversations and bad ones. Another thing I learned from therapy yesterday is that it takes 7 good things to override 1 bad thing. Impatient drivers on the road is a good example. I have good experiences a majority of the time. It’s maybe once a month where I come in contact with an impatient, angry driver who honks or flips me off. I can keep going knowing that 1 in 30 days will I come in contact with a hostile driver. That means that there are so many more friendly drivers than there are impatient ones!

When it comes to conversing online, my numbers are nowhere near that good. This week alone, I had a good conversation with my therapist, then I had a terrible conversation with 3 moderators on Ironmouse’s discord, then I had a mediocre interaction (there was no meaningful conversation) in group therapy.

So we’ll call that 3 conversations, 1 of which was good, 1 was mediocre, 1 was terrible. Let’s make this binary and say mediocre and terrible == false , and good == true.

So far this week, I’m at 1 true, 2 false. Let’s make that numbers instead. Instead of true or false, +1 or -1. I’m sitting at -1 this week.

Oh wait, there were more interactions! I went on Teamspeak on wednesday which was terrible. I shame spiraled immediately after saying hi, and I ended up muting and silencing myself. so I’m actually sitting at -2.

Online interactions are so shitty. I don’t even want to try because I do the thing where I shame spiral and I feel trapped. I don’t speak my mind because I don’t want people to DISLIKE ME


Everybody hates me, and I build up from there based on my authentic self. FUCK this FUCKING shit where I have to PRETEND to be some ASSHAT STICK UP HIS ASS FAKE, SHIT EATER GRIN motherfucker.

Nobody likes him either. Nobody likes authentic me, nobody likes fake me, so I might as well be the authentic me which is the me where I feel whole, and the me that feels good being.

Being himself? No, just being.

Nobody likes me. Except for me. So I am the only person I gotta impress.

I like that.

Well it’s Friday. There could be some opportunity to join Nerds United while they play a game or something. I could try out this new style of everybody-but-me-hates-me-so-i-might-as-well-be-myself.

IDK if it was the walnuts or oatmeal or what, but it feels like something’s scratching me in the back of the throat. Itchy feeling! IDK. Maybe it’s dust in my apartment? IDK!?

Ok so I got 15 minutes left on the clock for writing. Do I want to jump into CoDA or CBT, or continue talking about what’s on my mind???

The host of the group therapy talks too much. She asks, “does anybody have questions on this thing that I just read?” but she doesn’t open up the conversation for people to share what they’re trying to work on in their life domain. Then when she does ask if anybody has questions, she doesn’t wait long enough for people to actually reply. She seems to have a manic personality where she talks really fast. I’m tempted to press the “go slower” button on Zoom because of how fast she thinks and talks. The rest of the class isn’t on your wavelength, lady!



But no really, if she would simply shut up for thirty seconds, someone who wants to talk but is socially anxious and hesitant about it would get the courage to speak up.

But time is relative. She might think she’s waiting for thirty seconds, but it’s actually only been five. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was from the east coast. People have a faster conversation pace in those parts. Every now and then, I see articles about how people in bigger cities talk faster.

And now that I remember about the article, I cannot find the article. Or any article with any topic remotely similar. There’s gotta be some name for this phenomenon of not being able to find something when it counts!

Or I could be making it up, and I’m imagining this article based on my experiences with people who are from the eastern US.



It’s fucking cold in my apartment. I removed my air conditioning unit yesterday, but it still feels super drafty in here. I think there are just hot spots and cold spots in here because there isn’t a lot of airflow. When I keep my box fan running, the temperature seems to stay more consistent.

Well I wrote about random bullshit instead of doing CBT or CoDA. That’s perfectly fine. As long as I write something, I’m happy that I spend the time to write and work through my thoughts.

Ok then, on to the next thing, which is my favorite thing– CODE!

But first, affirmations and gratitude.

60. I will stay calm, it will get better.
61. I will allow myself to forgive; it will allow me to move beyond the pain, to a place of peace.
62. I choose to make today amazing.

I’m grateful for the people in my life who care. I’m not really sure who that is at this point. Maybe my friend M., but I’ve kinda distanced myself from him. Also there’s D. but both he and M. don’t seem to treat me a an equal and that doesn’t sit well with me. They both act like I’m more important than they are and I don’t like that.

Fuck! That really bothers me that I don’t feel like I have an equal friend. Something to work on. I guess I’m grateful that I’m thinking this thought and realizing this problem, so I can correct it.

I’m grateful for Yoga and meditation. I did 15 minutes of freestyle yoga while listening to Ani Choying Drolma and it was pretty helpful at calming me down and giving myself the care and stretching that I needed to start the day.

More yoga time!

Excelsior and Opportunity!

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