Fri Sep 18 2020

I have been a bad boy.


I’ve been working too hard. I’ve been absent minded. I’ve been an irresponsible coder. I’ve sidetracked my daily progress chart.

I wrote a bit in my blog on wednesday but I didn’t publish it because I wrote some things that I didn’t feel like publishing.

I walked this morning. Actually it was yesterday morning.

Oh yeah, another bad thing. I lied to my friend M. when he asked if I was going to be online the next day. I said, “yeah, I’ll be here.” and I put no effort into actually being there.

My sleep schedule has been slipping. I have not been eating well. I have been very stressed.

Last night, I laid in bed for four hours before I actually went to sleep.

I did not get up out of bed when I could not sleep. That was abnormal. I decided that I would not get back on the computer because I didn’t want to continue to allow my sleep schedule to drift.

The drift in my sleep schedule drift seems futile at this point.

The time spent in bed was boring, but my brain stayed busy and I came up with several ideas.

I have had a dream of owning a Brick & Mortar SBTP. I would want it to have a row of vending machines. A Bitcoin ATM, A Japanese beverage machine, and a crane game.

fuck yeah.

I have a headache. This is abnormal.

I feel like going to bed, although I know that I probably won’t be able to sleep.

It’s becoming habit. I get tired, I go to bed, I cannot sleep no matter how tired my brain is. My body aches. My legs and ass especially. They are tense and they won’t relax.

I do yoga stretches. I lay on my accupressure mat. Any relief I get is temporary as my muscles revert to their standard tense state.

I think I need more exercise. Two rounds of bicycling a day would probably do the trick.

I think it’s my brain. I think the energy I get from eating healthy keeps my brain running at full capacity. My brain does what is only natural for sitting on a hard wood chair for long periods of time– it sends the command to tense up my muscles.

I think I need pot in my life. I think I need more scheduled events like Tae-Kwon-Do or board game days… I think the COvy end is in sight, so I have faith that I can rely more on these things in a few months.

I was given the homework to speak to people every other day. Therapy homework. I’m on track so far, but only because of a technicality. I called M. via Discord after midnight. It was technically Wednesday when we talked, so I checked off, “socializing” for Wednesday. Because of how my sleep schedule is going, it felt like the call happened on Tuesday, not wednesday.

I made no contact on Thursday. Today is Friday and I’m due for another call.

I don’t want to call anybody. I had the idea to call my sister last night at around 7 or 8, but I was being an irresponsible coder and all I wanted was another 25 minute hit of Javascript.

I’m making progress on my sbtp-loyalty project, but I feel like I’m in a haze. I don’t have the discipline to have a varied and fulfilling day anymore. It’s just wake and code. take a break and get back to code.

When is the off-time? It’s all just on-time right now. Work work work.

I have a real dopamine problem.

I felt good after talking to M. for an hour. He seemed disappointed that I wanted to leave after an hour, but I was crashing and I wanted to take care of myself. I am happy that I took care of myself and I ended the call, but immediately afterward, I ate a bunch of chocolate granola and I think that food kept me up really late.

I only ate because I had talked to M. and I was feeling a rush.

I went back to work after that, and I was on the computer until almost 4AM.

I would be surprised if I fell asleep any sooner than 4AM today.

It is a real pain to have this sleep schedule, because I’m still being good about waking up at 7:30AM every day and taking care of eBay orders.

That’s the crazy thing. I am still retaining some good habits, even though my schedule is completely trashed.

I am not giving myself enough credit. I am computer breaks every 25 minutes. I am eating, just not a good variety. I don’t have food stamp money at the moment, and that’s a big reason why. I think it replenishes tomorrow.

I am taking breaks, yes. That is really good. I am doing yoga. I am still meditating.

I guess the main problem is that I’m working too many hours in a day. There is no moderation there. I’m giving myself complete permission to work as much as I want, for as long as I want, and I’m abusing that power and I’m physically hurting myself with stress and mentally hurting myself with the sabotaged schedule.

I’m going to see if I can sleep. If not, I will come back and write more.

3:14 PM. I fell asleep at around 4:30AM, and then I woke up at 7:30AM to take care of the two orders. One was a $3 order for a trading card, the other was a $7 order for a trading card destined for Germany.

Here’s the fucked up thing about these orders. Orders like these are preventing me from achieving Top Rated Plus seller rating. TRP is how I can appear further up in the search results. I think part of why my sales volume is so low is because I no longer have TRP.

The reason I blame these two orders is because neither of them are large enough of a dollar value for me to justify paying for a First Class Parcel with a tracking number. Instead, I use an envelope and stamps, which means that there is no tracking whatsoever.

To gain TRP, 80% of my orders must have tracking numbers. It doesn’t make sense for me to pay $3.18 for First Class Parcel postage when the customer paid a total of $3. It doesn’t make sense to pay for First Class International Parcel for $14 when the total order value was $7. Thus, the untracked USPS First Class Letter.

For me to get TRP, I would need to adjust my prices across my entire inventory. No items for less than $5. Additionally, I would have to exclude international customers from all low-value items, because the minimum acceptable trackable shipping cost would be $14.

I think I should do it. I think I should quit wasting my time with these low value orders, and quit wasting my time with orders that are hurting my search rankings.

By having low value items, I’m lowering the perceived value of Prememo cards. I probably have the largest Prememo singles inventory on eBay. My prices could be setting the bar.

I think this is just something I have to to do play ball on eBay. I don’t want to be some second-rate seller who you can find only if you search and scroll to the second page. I work hard, I do good work and please my customers, and I deserve to appear on that first page!

OK I adjusted my shipping policy. No USPS International Letter anymore. I’m in the process of updating prices to a minimum of $5 per item. I suppose I could do sales down to $4 per item, but after shipping, that’s a sub-dollar profit at that point so I don’t want to make that the norm.

So this is my new strategy to get ahead– Charge more money!

I think I might adjust my promotion which gives people 30% off for ordering 3 or more items. I might make that discount even higher.

I want a minimum order dollar amount to be $5. I want an average order dollar amount to be around $20.

I ate some oatmeal. Oh yeah, I didn’t explain this morning so far. I woke up at 7:30, picked & packed & shipped the two orders, walked to the mailbox, then I tried to walk 20 laps around the firepit, but my body was telling me that it needed sleep more than anything. I went back inside and did just that.

Woke up at 3PM and got to my journal.

I’m trying an experiment today. If I don’t take my multivitamin and vitamin D, am I able to sleep better at night?

Last night during my restlessness, I got out some parchment paper and my Lamy Al-Star, and wrote down a schedule of my idea of a perfect day.

In my perfect day, I exercise right after walking to the mailbox. That just isn’t possible right now, because of how drained I feel after having only 2 or 3 hours of sleep after a day of intense mental stress.

So obviously my perfect day is impossible right now, because it has the dependency of a good day and a good sleep the day before.

I want more great days, so I want to work toward having a better schedule.

I think this schedule goal is a step in the right direction. Previous to writing this concept, I really had no idea what my schedule was. The only thing that really had a time slot was my 8AM shipping time, and my 9AM therapy call which happens only on monday.

There’s the Seattle Betsuin livestream which happens at 10AM, but that has become something that I often miss due to how I’ve been sleeping.

OK then! I have an idea of how I want my day to be. I can move forward with this idea, iterate, and come up with a more solid routine.

CBT time. (I’m copying over my unfinished work from Wednesday)

Shy no longer Module 9 page 4

Core belief to be challenged–

My daily activities aren’t as important as everyone else’s

Experiences that show that this belief is not COMPLETELY true ALL the time

  1. A lot of work is not important for human survival (there is no golden standard of the importance of work)
  2. It is generally accepted that people’s value as a person are by default, equal.
  3. I think what I do is important, because what I do is I provide products and services to my customers. I make a difference in the world.
  4. I like what I do.
  5. The job market, the economy, people’s lifestyles and money is transforming on a daily basis. What I do may not be considered valuable in the past, but it may be considered highly valuable in the future.
  6. There is no one right way to live.
  7. I think I’m placing importance on the amount of money I make vs. other people’s. Money doesn’t equal importance.
  8. I think importance might not be the actual hot thought. I think the actual hot thought could be that I don’t think I matter to society.
  9. I get to choose how to lead my life, and other people’s opinions of it don’t matter.
  10. Who decides importance?

Balanced core belief

My daily activities as a self-employed eBay seller and software developer are uncommon. This does not devalue my activities or make them less important, it only makes them different. I don’t need to rely on traditional business models in a world that is constantly changing. I get to decide the importance of my daily activities and my work.

Ok then. This post is done! I spent about an hour on this post today, and I’m going to move onto other things now.

conveniently, I’m sitting at right about 1900 words! Again, I think I’m going to can the word count requirement. I think the focus requirement is a better one. I focus for 25 minutes on writing what has happened and what I’m feeling, then I take a 5 minute break and then I focus for another 25 minutes on CBT or CoDA.

Ending with affirmations and gratitude.

91. I make a difference in the world. (hey, that’s a good point I could make on the CBT work above!)
92. I allow myself to take a break and do something I enjoy.
93. I can show kindness to others.

I’m grateful that I haven’t been blown up by poorly stored government stockpiles of sized chemicals. I’m grateful that I haven’t been blown up by a nuke. I’m grateful that I haven’t been blown up by a meteor.

I’m grateful that I can watch comical anime like Punchline where a meteor hits the earth if the protagonist gets too excited from seeing girl’s panties twice in a row. I’m grateful that I get solid anime recommendations from friends!

I’m grateful for my general level of wealth which grants me the privilege of having a full tummy and taking naps.

I’m grateful for my never-ending creativity which leads me to doodle when I’m sleepless at night


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