Fri Sep 25 2020

I haven’t posted any live blog posts since May! I’ve been writing a lot in those four months, but it’s all getting for future publishing.

Maybe I should change that? Ehh, probably not. I think the future queued posts are good enough.

It’s almost been a year since I started writing daily. In just that time, I’ve changed so much!

Today I have a headache. Headaches are a very rare occurance for me. Usually headaches mean that I haven’t ate enough, and a quick meal fixes the problem. Today, I think it’s tension headaches caused by my lack of yoga yesterday.

Yesterday I was feeling so bleh. Tired and low energy. I think a big part of that is due to how I’ve been exercising so rigorously, and part of it is a food issue.

I have food. I could probably surive for several months on what I have in here. I have oats and rice and beans and lentils.

Ehh, probably just 1 month. I eat quite a lot, and the volume of food that I have is not very much. Maybe 5 lbs of dry food.

It’s pretty much time to go to the grocery store. Yesterday I finished eating the last of the leftover curry that I had prepared on Monday. I don’t think I’ll be making that curry again, because as part of the bleh feeling from yesterday was due to how gassy I was and how I couldn’t stop poop every few hours.

I would go to the toilet but then I had trouble actually pooping. My body was being so inconsiderate of my time by sending poop to the butt every few hours, rather than lumping it all together so I can go once and then get on with my day.

The curry was an experiment, and I’m going to discontinue that experiment. I think I do better with simpler meals. Meals like oatmeal and fruit and granola.

I’ll do curry again, just not anytime soon.

Goddamn, the headache is back. I think I need to eat again. Unfortunately I’m out of fruit. I guess I’m going to be stuck with plain oatmeal or rice with lentils. Either sounds acceptable, I just need that shit in my body!

Oh maybe I’m having chocolate withdrawals? I haven’t had any of that delicious grain-free dark chocolate granola during the past two days. I’m so addicted to that stuff.

Yeah, that could make sense. The stuff in chocolate that is like caffeine could be causing withdrawls, thus the headaches.

I’m sitting on this broken massager thing and the nodes are pushing into my butt meat. It’s amazing how much pain is stored in my butt meat, as indicated by the ecstatic twitches that those muscles make as they are coaxed into a relaxed state.

My workspace has terrible ergonomics. I’m realizing this after sitting on this broken massager thing which lifts me up about 5 inches. My shoulders are no longer shrugged up near my ears in order for my hands to be at the correct height for typing on my keyboard. My legs no longer have the tendency to get into strange positions or tense up because now my knees are at a 90 degree angle. My lower back is pressed against the back of the chair instead of slouching and leaving a gap. My shoulder blades are resting atop the back of the chair instead of jutting into it’s hard wood.

I’m tempted to spend the next economic stimulus check on an expensive chair, which would alleviate several of the ergonomic problems that I face from sitting at this workspace.

I think I would also benefit from a keyboard tray which sits below the desktop. That would help my shoulders be where they should be.

When I look at improving ergonomics, the desk itself becomes an issue. Or perhaps it’s the monitor placement. When I sit at a ergonomically proper height, my monitors are suddenly too low.

These improvements sound expensive. Too expensive for my budget!

Unfortunately, the next economic stimulus check cannot go making these improvements. That money must go solely into investments which have a high likelyhood of financial return.

Feeling good is something that can result in financial return, right?

I think a keyboard tray would be an acceptable middle ground. The problems I have with my chair can be remedied with more stretches and exercise.

That’s probably a bad way to think about this topic. I realize I’m sitting poorly, so the solution should be to address the core problem and correct how I sit, not to work around the problem with being more active.

I could probably use a solution which incorporates a bit of both.

break time!

I used my accupuncture pillow on my neck and shoulders. Damn, that felt good! I think it’ll be a temporary fix though. I think I need to ingest sugar to actually solve the problem.

Anyway, on to CBT.

Healthy Me Worksheet


I will think,

  • “I am worth talking to.”
  • “I am interesting.”
  • “I am a character.”
  • “I am fun to be with.”

Pleasant Activities

  • Leisurely bike rides
  • Hikes with friends


  • accupressure mat
  • time spent outdoors


  • The freedom to be myself
  • Stress level zero
  • Sex

Social Support

  • Verbally talk with another person for at least 1 hour a day


  • Limit the time on the computer
  • Limit the time working
  • Exercise (no easy days)


  • Sweat every day
  • No easy days

Social activities

  • Nerds United every week
  • social gaming once a week

Self-Mangement Plan

What are the early warning signs that tell that I might be heading for a setback?

When I find myself mindlessly scrolling, mindlessly checking news feeds and youtube, when I find myself mindlessly looking a porn, when I am tired yet I am not going to bed, when I am on the computer without a goal, when I am making excuses to not exercise, when I am slipping from filling in the checkboxes of my DPC.

What are some of my unhelpful thinking styles that I need to watch out for?

Shoulding and musting, minimization, labelling, disqualifying/ignoring positives, Catastrophising…

All of them, LOL!

What situations are potential problems for me?

I think the biggest two are mindlessly using the computer at night, and avoiding all social contact.

The HALT acronym comes to mind. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Lonely and tired are the most common two that I struggle with.

What are my future support options?

Calling friends and family are probably the best bet. I also get to talk to my therapist on a weekly basis which is a big help.

What strategies/techniques have I found most helpful and need to continue to practice?

Meditation, exercise, and journalling have been huge. Meditation helps me to feel, exercise helps me to diffuse physical tensions, and journalling helps me diffuse mental tensions.

Wrapping up

8. I am a survivor
9. I refuse to give up because I haven’t tried all possible ways.
10. I will inhale confidence and exhale doubt.
11. I may be one in 7 billion but I’m also one in 7 billion!

I’m grateful for the food I have in my pantry. Rice, lentils and oil may only make simple meals, but it’s more than enough to survive on!

I’m grateful for which sends me Japanese words of the day. Today’s word is 荒地(あれち) (arechi) which means wasteland.

I’m grateful for my shipping scale which is very accurate and has been a trouble-free tool for all the years that I’ve had it.


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