I’ve been thinking

I wrote this on August 19 2013 but didn’t publish it until now. Not much has changed since I wrote this a year ago. It’s not happening when I originally planned, but the Adventure Builder Adventure is happening. 1/1/2015

My life is too comfortable. I’ve been unhappy for awhile. I don’t have to work, or pull any weight. I’ve got it so good, I’m spoiled.

When I was 18, I moved away and lived on my own for two years. I worked hard, it sucked. I had friends, they were great, but I eventually lost my closest friends. I was miserable but I was busy, and suicide was never on my mind.

Now it is. Now when I have absolutely no good reason to be thinking about suicide, I’m thinking about suicide. No, I’m not going to do it. I’m not even thinking about it now, that was last week.

Depression gets you ready for change. I’m depressed. I’m not depressed right now, or even today, or even yesterday. It comes and goes and it will continue to come and go as long as I keep avoiding the real issue that’s bothering me.

I’m 26 and living with my parents. I’m socially anxious, inept and incapable of holding a “real job.” I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything meaningful in life.

 

I have a plan.

 

Unless something major changes in my life and I no longer live with my parents, the Adventure Builder Adventure starts one year from today. I am going to sell all my belongings save the absolute bare minimum, buy a pickup truck or van, and go on an adventure.

This adventure starts with me vacating the guest house behind my parent’s house that I’m currently living in. I have no plan to return to this guest house. When I leave, it will likely be inhabited by one of my younger brothers.

Right now I own a bunch of junk. Many computers, airsoft guns and equipment, music synthesizers, and a bunch of broken electronics. I’ve collected so many things, things things. All the sayings and all the stories are right; things don’t make you happy. I get it now. One of my most prized possessions, a Tokyo Marui AUG SR1 with a rare, discontinued Best Gun AUG RTS rail… I don’t care about anymore. I wish it didn’t belong to me anymore. It would be sold on eBay already if I could find a darn federally required blaze orange flash hider to ship it with.

RESET. It is time to reinvent myself. It is time I start living for myself. It’s about time for me to reclaim independence from my parents.

It’s so comfy under this wing though.