And it’s my fault.
The below document was written on Saturday Nov 16th 2019
Kumoricon is fun. I walked around a lot, and did some things. I was too shy to approach any VOCALOID cosplayers. I did get a picture with a S.C.P. Foundation employee who seemed super uncomfortable with me asking for a picture. I am at the moldy smelling airBNB right now. Avery and Paul are talking about the con. I’m thinking of going home. I’m not feeling this con. I can’t stand Sharon’s outbursts either. That and her driving are unbearable. They are discussing what to do today. I’m just not in a good mood at all.
I’ve clammed up and can’t talk. I’m just not wanting to be here… Knowing I have today, tomorrow and the next day. Just no. Last con I ended up hating Sharon after day 3.
I decided I would fly instead of drive with Sharon all day and do the same in reverse. I think what I’m going to do is take my time and get cleaned up, get some real good brunch then hope on a bus home.
Avery just asked me a question and Sharon answered for me. Not cool. It was not how I would have answered. I feel so repulsive. Because I clam up like this, nobody wants to be around me. It’s my fault. I told myself I wouldn’t … or rather last con I decided I would travel some other way so I could avoid the long time with Sharon. I’m just not wanting to be at this con. I told myself throughout Friday that this is my last con.
I mean I plan on going to more cons, I just have to go about it differently. Travel alone, sleep alone. Con space and meals are when/where I can mingle. Right now, I want to go home and work on my project.
I don’t want to spend any more money or put up with Sharon’s bad driving and outbursts.
I’m on a Greyhound bus. I texted my friends, “don’t wait for me. I’m on a bus, I’m going home.”
I feel bad about it because I said, “don’t wait for me.” That is a command, not a communication of my reality.
Anyway, I gave no reason why I’m going home. The easy answer is that I hate Sharon, her driving and her mannerisms. The hard answer is that I’m insecure around angry people, and I can’t cope.
It’s my fault. I knew since Sakuracon that I didn’t want to do another road trip with her. But since I already made plans, I didn’t want to back out.
This is my reality that I tried to ignore– I cannot stand this woman for more than a few hours. She is so hypocritical and condescending. One second she’ll be so polite, complimenting someone. The next moment, she’ll be calling the person a dipshit (once they walk away.)
She tore into Avery yesterday, citing her education and knowledge of history as she defended her position of being anti-religion. It was the most pointless argument ever because Avery already stated his situation and apathy for religion. But it didn’t matter, Sharon had to get emotional, play strawman cards, and belittle Avery until we sat in awkward silence.
Sharon is the type of driver who has no patience for other drivers who are simply following the rules of the road.
One time we pulled into a gas station. All the pumps were full. Sharon impatiently pulled up behind a woman filling her tank and proceeded to glare at the woman.
“Fucking cunt. This fucking cunt won’t hurry the fuck up.” Sharon repeated these hateful comments while continuing to glare.
Any person who DARES to inconvenience Sharon on the road is an instant enemy. Sharon will flip them off and yell, “you asshole, learn how to drive!” or any variation of hateful language.
The drivers in question don’t have to hear it. We in the car have to hear it.
Sharon has a degree is psychology. It doesn’t show.
Anyway, I’m simply not putting up with her anymore. She can’t keep up with us younger folk, she’s a physical mess. She’s gotta be pushing 400 lbs. Back, hip, ankle, foot problems. She says she’s always tired. Neck problems as well.
“My health is good other than my weight.” She lies!
I get that she’s always in pain. This pain could be what causes her outbursts.
It matters not. What matters is that I surround myself with people who encourage me to do my best. Actually I think Sharon is pretty good in that respect. She has encouraged me to get a job I like doing, she’s encouraged me to start a WOTAGEI group, rollerblade group, etc.
She’s fine in small amounts. One day with Sharon is too much. Driving with Sharon is too much.
My fault is not remembering the extent of my distaste for Sharon’s road tripping. No, it’s my suppression, watering down, or rationalization of Sharon’s behavior.
Kindness is not a Sharon trait. She’s been hardened by life or some shit. Completely inconsiderate of other drivers or differences of opinion. Unless you’re her friend, then she’ll cut you some slack.
“You can’t be fat and mean.”
…Is something I heard a teacher tell a misfit student in a TV drama. I’m feeling these words now.
When I met Sharon, I was tempted to ghost her on appearances alone. I didn’t and now we’ve been friends for a year and a half. Now, I’m thinking this friendship should come to an end. Shallow or not, I have to do what is best for me.
I don’t want to spend a weekend with someone who feels miserable all the time, and only just manages to feel moments of joy. Misery is contagious.
New Topic. Did I leave Portland just because of Sharon, or am I so depressed that cons are no longer fun? I’m leaning towards the former, but the latter has a heavy influence.
I wonder if I’m equally as hypocritical and inconsiderate of her. Maybe I just want to be the alpha of the pack.
I think most people are hypocritical. Eventually they will contradict themselves and reveal an ugly behavior. This is a big part of why I think to kill myself. I make people feel uncomfortable because I wear hats, dark clothing, and don’t talk. Further, I don’t communicate well. I startle people based on my movements and body language.
Dogs pick up on my uncertainty and often respond negatively. Sharon’s dog’s especially. Poor dogs are overfeed so much that their skin is stretching. They bark non-stop. Any dog with that much food in their system will bark non-stop. That and they’re rescues. They used to be rescues, now they’re diabetic rescues. Stack on the issues!
Fuck, I can’t change the topic. Sharon is the topic of the day, apparently.
It’s 12:30PM and the bus arrives in Spokane at 4:45PM. This driver is WONDERFUL. He’s quiet, professional, confident and so very smooth on the road! This beat’s Sharon’s driving ANY DAY.
I’m happy I ditched Kumoricon because now I will have this memory forever. I know exactly why I ditched, and now I can proceed in future in a way that works for me. I’ll take a bus or a plane. I’ll make reservations for a quiet room alone. Con space will be a precious place to socialize, laugh, play and dance. The hotel room is sacred place where I can recharge, order room service, and uphold my routines.
Routines. I was actually not thrilled to stay up late yesterday. This is a new feeling. I am definitely undergoing changes. I’ve been thinking about routines quite a lot. A routine is what has enabled me to improve my web development proficiency as of late. Routine is what has enabled me to hold a sleep schedule and quit video games. One more reason I don’t want to be at Kumoricon right now.
Money is another reason. Any money I’m spending at Kumoricon or the trip home is money I don’t have. It’s all credit. Putting me deeper in the hole.
