Life is not going well


DISCLAIMER: This is a Time Capsule Blog Post — Originally Written on October 11 2019.
2021 Chris is doing much better.

I am on a dead end path.

I have no money to my name. I don’t know how I will buy groceries or pay my rent. I don’t think I can drive anymore because I can’t afford auto insurance or gas. I’m currently scraping by only because I’m selling everything I own that I can do without. I don’t know what I’ll do when I run out of assets to liquidate.

I feel like a burden to my friends and family. I can’t talk to them about how I’m feeling because I wouldn’t want to hear other’s people’s problems; I have enough of my own. I don’t want to be around them because they might trigger my anxiety. I might bring them down.

I do want to say thank you to those who have figured out something is wrong and reached out. Those messages of love and encouragement keep me going.

I can’t hold an entry level job. I think this is partially due to my social anxiety and intimacy issues, and partially because I don’t give a fuck about the work I’m doing. What jobs I stayed at for more than a week, I end up quitting after 3 months because I get bored. Again thanks to friends who have pointed out what should have been obvious– I don’t want those jobs.

I struggle to find meaning in life. I know there is inherently none, and that I have to make my own meaning. I’m depressed, and I even struggle to find meaning in the things I enjoy.

I know how capitalism works. If I am to live here, I have to choose someone to serve in order to make an income. I am struggling to want to serve anyone.

I found a therapist who has been helping me. I don’t like going to therapy and talking about things I never talk about. I am after all, on a dead end path. If I continue without change, I’d rather die. Change is good in my case. I must embrace the change of seeing a therapist.

I have to address my career as well. I habitually apply for these minimum wage, no skill jobs. It’s not working out. Even when I work those jobs, I barely get by. I’m miserable, I’m anxious. I have to spend all my money just to feel something. I feel taken advantage of by employers who pay low wages and no benefits for work that is physically dangerous at times.

I may have the technical skills to be a professional developer. Unfortunately, I lack social skills. I do not work well in a group well because I communicate so poorly. I can’t stand being told what to do, and I find it nearly impossible to tell a peer or even a subordinate what to do. I cannot allow myself to be around people who are better than me because I have to be the best.

All of this has to change if I am to be successful. I want to be successful. I don’t want to give up anymore. I don’t want to take these jobs I loathe anymore.

I have a dream. I have a dream to be a software developer, esteemed in my ranks at a trendy tech startup. Able to communicate well with my peers not because it’s easy, but because it strengthens the team. Able to do hard things not because it’s easy, but because I can do it, and it’s worth it.

I can do it. I’ve avoided applying for tech jobs for so long because I felt inadequate. I am inadequate, but now I will do something about it.

I will train. I will become the rock star unicorn web developer that I’ve always wanted to be. I will serve a company which respects me, and mutually employs me.

I’m feeling excited right now. Even though I have so many problems to work through and I know there is difficulty ahead, I finally have a path.

I found a school that operates like a tech startup. Students are split into small work groups and meet every day. Students build small projects as a team as they learn new material.

8 hour workdays are mandatory. Jobs and other obligations that get in the way disqualify the students from entering. It is a full time software engineering bootcamp which lasts 9 months.

And I’m doing it. I had reservations at first, but right now I’m at rock bottom. It’s fight or die. I’m fighting now.

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