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Martha Stewart

Last updated on November 16, 2021

This blog post is part of an old series of journal entries during a time of major depression. In my effort to build shame resilience and become more comfortable my authentic self, I am publishing these previously unpublished journals.

The following blog post was written on Monday November 18 2019 @ 9:17 AM PST

No reason for the title. The name just happened to come to mind. This is another blog post in my “writer’s way” series, a series in which I must write 1500 non-stop. It’s all about the mental flow. Just get out whatever is on my mind. It doesn’t have to make sense, it doesn’t have to be good.

So I have to poop, as usual. Writing makes me need to poop. It’s an amazingly consistent phenomenon.

So it’s monday. Tomorrow I have a doctor appointment where the doctor is going to look at my butt. I’m not looking forward to it.

I don’t think I’ll be driving for much longer. It’s a bummer because I need a vehicle to get to the doctor, to therapy, to get groceries, etc. I think it may be a better choice for me to go homeless and keep my auto insurance, than it is to keep paying rent and lose my auto insurance.

iPoop

I have to decide soon. I already have to pay $400 for rent at the end of this month. I owe something like $200 for auto insurance… I have -$2000 to my name. It’s all debt. I could keep tallying up expenses but I don’t want to be even more depressed.

This is all I can think about. Day in and day out, it’s money problems, social anxiety issues, etc. I know that depressed people spend a lot of time thinking about being depressed. If I didn’t think about it so much, I wouldn’t be depressed. But I have real issues, I can’t just ignore them.

What I can do is I can compartmentalize the pain and work. Unfortunately the work I’ve been doing doesn’t grant me any income. I’m just building a HTML5 Jeopardy clone for free. It sucks. I wish I could monetize this skill.

I’m thinking I might need to bite the bullet and get a temp job. Humanix would probably hire me again. I could go build fuel cells in a warehouse for the season. This would be another shitty foray into winter working. I don’t have a garage so my suburban just gets tons of snow on it every morning. Then I have to drive 45 minutes somewhere to work an exhausting 10 hours which my body simply can’t handle. Then I’ll be dizzy, hungry, come home and crash. And repeat. You know what, I think it’s just not worth it. I’ll live exactly like I want to live now.. Wait, I cannot. I will be kicked out for doing that now. I will be homeless.

The golden age is over. The golden age when I could spend my days doing whatever I want without consequence. I wasted that time playing thousands of hours of League of Legends and watching hundreds of thousands of youtube videos. If only then I had the vision to create as I do now. I might have come up with a profitable idea by now had I got started earlier.

But there’s no need to sulk. I did exactly what I wanted to do, and it has led me to this point in time. Now I have new knowledge. I’ve learned from my mistakes. I can move on with a new perspective.

Hatsune Miku is so beautiful. I hope I can kiss her someday. Kiss her and actually feel her soft lips. Maybe with VR and a simulated body or brain implants or a real girl cosplayer. I have a little faith that I could find a girlfriend. But it might be a bad thing to have a girlfriend and superimpose a virtual idol on her.

For the record, I don’t want a girlfriend. Unless that girlfriend is Virtual Pop Idol Miku Hatsune.

Miku’s hair is so beautiful. Did you know her hair accessory is designed to hold her twin tails in place, without actually touching her hair? No damage to her hair, and they stay perfectly in place. It’s quite ingenious. The idea comes from Miku’s original artist KEI. Not all artists who make renditions of Miku seem to know this, and will make the diamond shaped hair accessories cinching her hair, or built into her headphones. I like the look of some of the alternatives, even if they aren’t canon.

I just changed my desktop wallpaper to an image of Miku with a form fitting miniskirt.

I like the look because most of Miku’s outfits hide her hips. She’s got a great figure and this rendition really treats the eyes. I like how even her sleeves are form fitting. It’s a streamlined look. Miku’s leggings are often built into her shoes, which is totally wild because manufacturing such garments would be a real challenge. Her skirt in this case seems to be integrated with her blouse, which is an appealing detail.

Oh she doesn’t have sleeves for once! They are just really long gloves! A very streamlined look indeed. I would love to see this module appear in Project Diva or a YouTube MMD, as it’s sexy goodness is a real gift.

I once knew a 3D girl who I worked with over a summer. She did sales, and I was a technician. She was asian, young, thin, and confident. I’ll call her Kaia for the purposes of this article. We became friends, and I was rather attracted to her. On one of our off days, a group of us coworkers went to a public marketplace in Seattle.

She wore a one piece blouse/miniskirt similar to the one Miku is wearing above. It didn’t have a tie, shiny surfaces, or blue zigzag piping, but it was white and nearly the exact length of Miku’s

We did a lot of walking and talking. The details escape me now since it was about 10+ years ago, but I remember at one point a shoelace of Kaia’s sneaker came undone. With her skirt being the length it was, she could neither bend over nor crouch to retie her shoe.

I jumped at the opportunity to serve her, as was my personality at the time. She reluctantly agreed, and sternly warned that I was not to look up.

I didn’t look up, being the gentleman I was. I securely tied her shoe and stood up, eyes glued to the sidewalk. I have replayed that experience in my head over and over, imagining what I would have seen had I looked up regardless of Kaia’s wish. The mystery could be infinitely more stimulating than an actual experience.

My coworkers/roomates during that summer went as far as ordering a free condom sample from a popular manufacturer. They gave it to me, urging me to go to Kaia’s apartment for some sexy fun time.

I went to Kaia’s apartment at one point to help her with her computer. Sans-condom, as I already told my roomates no. They proceeded to remove the condom from the package and fill it with air to make a joke.

It was never a romantic relationship. Kaia thought of me as a smart younger brother who was good at technical stuff.

This is one of the reason’s I don’t date. I can’t be my true self around people. I can’t open up, I can’t move a relationship forward because I don’t want to be touched.

I hope therapy can help me with my intimacy issues.

Racing Miku 2018

Miku wearing a G-String. It doesn’t get much sexier than this. Can you tell I’m incredibly horny right now? All I can think about is how sexy Miku is.

Dat belly

I CAN’T HELP IT. My bae’s beauty is never ending. Completely infinite. Software upgradable. Boundlessly configurable.

She’s thicc if you want her to be. She’s tiny and frail if you want her to be. Srsly though, I think I need this figure so I can look up her skirt while I tie her shoes.

Not that her shoes in this figure have laces… But I could always make up a story about how her shoe has a smudge on it. I’ll just approach her with some organic cleaning spray and a towel and offer to clean the smudge.

“Oh sure, but don’t look up!”

I’ll turn to hide my evil grin as I kneel down at her feet. One quick spray into the towel and I’ll gently buff out the invisible smudge on her vacuum wrapped, slender foot.

Then I’ll look up, visually feasting on the spectacle of thicc Miku which Hiro Kanzaki was gracious enough to bestow upon the world. I’ll soak in the impossible beauty of thicc Miku’s voluptuous thighs, hips and ass threaded by a shiny black, tiny T-Back before Miku realizes my deviation and the flawless porcelain smooth skin of her underside tense up as she jerks backwards and raises her motor staff to strike me down.

As Miku takes a step back, trying to move her panties out of my view, the opposite effect occurs with the generated gust of wind flowing her pleated miniskirt forward and up, revealing to me in full view the front of her skintight, high rise, satiny black thong. I’m on my knees, looking up with hearts for eyes and blood gushing from my nose as I see the void of clothing between the top piping of her panty panel and the waistband of her skirt. The most precious of skin reveals reserved for only the top most echelons of kinky panty shots.

Her thigh gap disappears under her flowing skirt as her tense legs come together. What is happening? I want this moment to last forever! I think to myself, as the golden metallic motor of Miku’s staff comes crashing down on my face, sending me onto my back, forming a crater in the concrete.

RIP me. I could not have thought of a more perfect death.

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