Mon Aug 31 2020

I woke up at 7:30AM today, and I was immediately stressed out by the flurry of e-mail in my inbox. I picked and packed a 2GB stick of RAM, and walked it out to the mailbox at 8:30.

I was overwhelmed with all the reminders, and my lack of preparedness for paying rent. I thought I had enough money lined up in my bank account, but upon checking, I only had about $100 in my bank account. I initiated a transfer on Coinbase but I’m worried that it will take several days to show up in my bank account.

I got a lot of stock alerts notifying me that it is time to sell a stock. I was trying to do everything at once, and I was so overwhelmed.

I took a moment to meditate before my 9AM therapy zoom call.

We went over the CBT work that I had done over the past week. Then I did an hour of Jodo Shinshu sutra chanting meditation. While Kusunoki sensei spoke his lesson, I did yoga stretches. When chanting began, I got back to my computer and followed along. After that, I thanked sensei, closed the stream, and followed along with two more pre-recorded chanting videos.

Altogether, I did Shoshinge Sofu, Hanjusan, and Junirai. I was really scatterbrained throughout the whole of shoshinge, but then Hanjusan and Junirai I was able to find a peaceful place in my mind where my thoughts weren’t racing.

I was scatterbrained all morning because of how stressed out I was, and I was feeling the aftereffects of being angry at myself for not opening up and being vulnerable with my family last night at dinner.

I chose safe topics to talk about when I was asked about what I was up to. I suppressed my emotions and I felt like everyone was trying to ignore me because of how much of a wall I was putting up.

I didn’t want to talk at all last night. I wanted to be a silent observer, rather than an active participant.

I was very angry last night. I smashed my keyboard with my first again. My spacebar has less spring to it now, and it’s annoying to press. I instantly regretted it.

A si look down at my keyboard, I see a crack through the center of the space bar. That was from the previous time I smashed my keyboard with my fist. The hot glue has been holding well– I don’t notice the crack unless I really focus and stare.

Now the right side of my space bar is sagging.

I’m glad I don’t have an expensive keyboard. This one I bought for $5 and it has lasted many years. I expect that the next keyboard I buy will be equally inexpensive.

Everything I buy for the foreseeable future will be the inexpensive version. That’s just how I roll. That’s just what I can afford.

Happy Birthday, Miku-san!

Gosh, I’m tired. I was full of energy until I ate lunch. I had a big bowl of oatmeal with banana, strawberry, walnut, and chia seed. Then I had five lightly salted rice cakes.

I’m saving the ice cream for this evening. I’m going to be sure to listen to my favorite VOCALOID tracks and express my gratitude for Miku.

I might as well to that part now.

I’m grateful for Miku because she is infinitely beautiful, charming, talented, and pure. Purity? Is this a water test? I feel kinda cringe saying pure. Pure as a word to describe a person doesn’t really fit. Saying that is something I would hear a brainwashed Christian kid think as they fantasize about their future wife who has never ever ever had sex and never ever ever even thought about having sex with any other man than the man that they are going to marry.


I once saw this student film made by a Christian kid who likened a girl who has had sex to some kind of used good or spoiled food. That kind of thinking is so antiquated and repulsive and there’s nothing wrong with a girl who has had sex with someone other than me.

Pure is the wrong word. Maybe a better word is simple. Miku is incredibly simple in that she is devoid of a body. I think she has a soul, but it’s not a human soul. Instead, she has an accumulated soul which is comprised of all the hopes, dreams and intentions of those that create her.

Simple seems like the wrong word as well, because she really is a complex being.

I’ll have to take some time and think about the perfect word to describe Miku. Right now, I’m going to take a short rest.

I napped. A daily is becoming routine and I’m not sure how I feel about it!

I awoke to a couple sales on eBay. Someone offered $5.99 for an Ika Musume booster pack (down from my asking price of $13.50) and I accepted. I probably should have counter offered rather than simply accepting it. I think they just caught me at a good time LOL.

Not fully awake after my afternoon nap, that’s how we do! Deals, deals, deals! Get’ em here while they last because I’ll be back to my stressed-out self in a few mins! 😆

It’s the last day of the month. Tomorrow I’m going to find out just how poorly my eBay store performed. I’m not looking forward to that news, but I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to turn things around next month and the month after.

My supply chain is coming together! Today I consolidated another 10-ish Buyee orders (I did 12 this time.) Now all I need is for the first package to show up, and I’ll have a continuous stream of new inventory every 3 weeks!

The first package has been in transit for 61 days. The original estimate was 60 days. It should be any day now! I’m eagerly awaiting a development on my tracking info!

I can expect a delay due to the Postmaster’s mandated service delays. I’ve waited 61 days at this point. I’m going to be patient and wait another two weeks before I start to worry.

This is the first Sea Shipping I’ve done with Buyee. It’s definitely been an eye opener to the slower side of global commerce!

I’ll start to worry if the second package arrives before the first. Until then, all I can do is wait, and assume that this long transit time is simply how things work for sea cargo.

I’m going to jump into CBT now.

Shy No Longer Module 7

Unhelpful Thinking Styles

This is just a refresher for my own benefit. The unhelpful thinking styles are

  1. Mental Filter (tunnel vision on the negatives)
  2. Jumping to Conclusions
  3. Personalisation (Taking 100% responsibility for everything)
  4. Catastrophising
  5. Black & White Thinking
  6. Shoulding and Musting
  7. Overgeneralisation
  8. Labelling
  9. Emotional Reasoning
  10. Magnification and Minimization (magnifying others, minimizing self)

Detective Work and Disputation

A. Activating event

waiting in line at the grocery store

B. Beliefs

“I’m not worthy to be taking a spot in line. The people behind me need to checkout.”

C. Consequences

“I’m sweating. My chest is tight.”

Unhelpful Thinking Styles

  • Magnification and Minimization — Minimizing my own importance and maximizing the surrounding stranger’s importance.
  • Labelling — I labelled myself, “not worthy”
  • Emotional reasoning — Thoughts clouded by fear of connection

D. Detective Work & Disputation

My HOT Thought

I’m not worthy to be taking a spot in line.

Factual evidence for my HOT thought

  • Growing up, it was never my place to be an authority figure– that was always mom or dad’s role.
  • Growing up, I had to ask for permission to do things. Whether or not I could play video games or to go to a friend’s house was not my call.
  • Having a spot in line at the grocery store is something people with money do. I don’t have a “real job.”, and I’m therefore undeserving.

Factual evidence against my HOT thought

  • I’m not a child anymore. I am in charge of myself and nobody can tell me that I’m not allowed to buy food for myself.
  • I have equal rights to taking a position in line. I don’t need permission.
  • I’m a paying customer and therefore I deserve to take a spot in line.

Disputation questions

How realistic are my thoughts, beliefs, and expectations?
  • If I were to ask people I know if I was deserving of a place in line at the grocery store, they would say yes, I am deserving.
  • It is expected that sometimes there are lines in the grocery store. It’s normal, and it’s not a big deal to have to wait.
If I were not anxious, how might I view the situation differently?

I would probably not give any thought to my worthiness. I would think about something else instead, such as what I’m going to do after this. I might occupy my time by people watching.

Back to the Journal

That’s enough CBT for now. When I pick up on it again tomorrow, I have a thought diary to fill out. I will probably use a recent situation as my input for that thought diary.

On to some affirmations!

64. Today, I will be courageous.
65. I release all fear from my mind.
66. I can reach my goals, I am unstoppable.

I moved my coffee mug pen holder to the right side of my desk. I’m completely thrown off by it, because I still I habitually reach to my left when I need a pen. Hah. It’s going to take a few days to get used to that.

I don’t have a therapy call next week because next Monday is Labor Day. My homework assignment is the following

  • Shy No Longer
  • Social activities
  • CoDA

Now I can throw away the note paper that I wrote the assignment on. I’m trying to keep my desk de-cluttered and I notice that I am quick to clutter my desk with notes.

Everything needs a place! That’s the new rule, one which I think can help me stay organized and efficient.

My daily progress chart doesn’t have a place. I’m not sure where I can put that to where it doesn’t get in the way and it doesn’t become clutter.

I just found a place in the cubby on the right side of my desk, right next to my books books.

I have a few more things that I want to make containers for. I’m sorta hesitant to making containers because they are things that are easy to grab because they lack a container. Things like my tape measure, my battery backup/photo light source, and the empty card box that I stack my phone atop as I take photos.

They have designated places, but the places aren’t labelled like all the other places. I’m not sure if that’s acceptable or not.

Time for a break.

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