It has been some time since I last wrote.
Here are a bunch of notes that I have piled on my desk that I will now digitize and use as stimulus for writing.
Notes from therapy
I’m a shitty person so I shouldn’t have friends
I owe my parents
Write down the thoughts to work on
List the pros & cons of moving to North Idaho
Is there health insurance in North Idaho?
Fear of disconnection
Beliefs on isolation. What are the beliefs I have that make me want to isolate?
Notes from Sangha service
My own issues of self esteem.
“part of the problem with mindfulness” was something someone said, and I just laughed because of the assumption that mindfulness is a problem.
“I don’t think I’m prepared to [answer that]” is something someone said, which I thought was an honest and well-worded way to express that they did not know the answer to the question that was asked.
The Zen shin talks (book)
I come from a Mormon background
Judgement and hate (I was triggered by something that was said in the dharma message)
There are groups of good and bad people
I feel ashamed about
“good person” vs. “bad person”
“I am a bad person”
Yeti 400 on Craigslist?
Leslie Sansone walking indoors
Charlotte cursed card
notes from talking with Christopher Toledo
Movies like Pi
- Beautiful Mind (game theory)
- Man in the High tower
- A Scanner Darkly
- A Waking Life
- Lost Highway
- Eraser Head
- Twin Peaks
- David Lynch movies
- Children of Men
Hikaru no Go
Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu
Drew Langley’s Youtube
Phillip K. Dick
Notes from Nutrution Group
- Air baked popcorn
- brown rice
- Tortilla chips & salsa
- whole grain crackers
- sweet quinoa
- overnight oatmeal
Notes from CAD
- 10mm diameter
- 5mm height
- 11mm diameter
- 2mm height
I slept for most of the day today. My alarm went of at 7 AM. Totally exhausted. I was wise enough to take care of shipments last night, so I went back to sleep for an hour. I got up at 8AM, walked to the mailbox, then walked out back for about 25 minutes. Then I went inside and shaved my face. I accidentally cut my nose in the process.
I had a therapy call from 9:00-9:59. I talked to my therapist and noted how I felt overworked lately. I noted how I started strong at CBT over a year ago, but that excitement fizzled out and now I’m sorta zoning out on a regular basis and not feeling things.
She recommended that we do some more CBT work. So it’s going to be my job to write down my thoughts on why I want to stay isolated all the time, and why I do what I do which causes me suffering.
I’m not depressed, I know that much. I am however zoned out and working too hard and physically hurting myself.
Today’s extra rest felt great. I slept from maybe 10:30AM ’till 5PM. After waking up, it felt like I hadn’t had a good rest in weeks. I’m going to make it a habit to have more rests like this. When I feel overworked, tired, achey… A long rest gets priority on my todo list.
None of my waifus have streamed today! I miss Veibae, Bunny_gif, bsapricot, projektmelody, ironmouse…
It’s only 7PM at this point. There’s a good chance that one of them will stream this evening.
I think it’s good to miss my loved ones when they aren’t around. I heard something somewhere recently, that it’s actually the pain experienced in relationships that makes up the feeling of love. Kinda wild to think about. I can’t remember where I heard that, but it’s great food for thought.
I miss my vtuber waifus. I usually like to photograph and list cards on eBay while I watch one of their Twitch streams. Today without them, I feel sad.
Just got a sale of a $7 card. Good vibes, there.
Time for a yoga break
I’m hungy. I haven’t eaten anything today. My digestive system has been strange lately. I think I’m in hibernation mode, so my gut is all slowed down and my body just wants to lounge and rest.
But I deny it the rest lol. Well, I’m working on that. Today I did good in that respect.
I want to make more money. I want to move to north Idaho and have enough money to where I can just buy my own health insurance. My therapist game me the strangest look when I said I wanted to move to north Idaho, as if I were insane. I think she might have forgot her role as a mental health provider for a moment. It’s not her job to suggest that I live in a certain place. She really seemed opposed to the idea, but I’m not letting that get to me. It’s my choice, It’s always my choice.
I’ve been thinking about this for over a year at this point. The laws are relaxed in North Idaho. I can enjoy a greater sense of freedom there. I can get an account on Poloniex again, if I want. Not that I want, because Poloniex can’t step to Bittrex… I tried Bittrex the other day, trying to get some sort of Ethereum token that my friend Chris talked about, GRANS.
Fucking ants. I just squished one that was walking on my monitor. I don’t see any more right now, but it seems that they are increasing in numbers. I put some bait raisins out for them. As soon as I see a marching line of ants, I’ll trace them to their home and eradicate them.
I feel like a terrible person for wanting to do that, but I’m not going to stop just because of that feeling. I think eradicating their ant mound is the only way to keep them from invading my home, so I’m going to do it.
I guess I’m like the E.T. seen in the movie Independence Day. I’m the aggressive aliens lol.
Is there another way? Is there another way to leave their ant hill alone, and simultaneously prevent them from encroaching on my turf?
I guess I could seal up my door. It doesn’t close properly, and there is a large gap along the top. The latch does not set unless I heavily lift the door because it’s drooping down so much. Then there’s the face of the door which has peeled off from it’s frame. Who knows what sort of critters are living inside the door itself.
I don’t have the skill of door maintenance. I don’t want that skill, either. I want to pay someone to fix it, but I’m just a renter. I don’t know who’s responsibility it is to fix the door, and I don’t want to ask. I don’t want to put any effort into fixing the chipped paint on the outside, or the window that lets water into the walls. I want this place to degrade to the point where it’s so painful to live here, that I have no choice but to leave.
That’s my plan. It’s a terrible plan and I know it, but fuck living here any more. I want enhanced freedoms. I want a clear boundary between my landlord and I…
I think I’m just really hungry, and so my thoughts and my mood have tanked. It’s not bad living here. I want to recognize that, and I am grateful for it.
There’s a guy in a SMS thread that I’m a part of. He used to be a part of the video game group I frequented, but then he quit playing with the group. I met him in person 1 time in LV, along with his codependent girlfriend who threw an atomic fit. I don’t want anything to do with those two because they’re an emotional wreck. The dude is the kind of person who is very… Intense, I guess? In a word, I suppose that’s a good way to describe him. He’s a fat american, very vulgar and he LOVES to talk about shooting “bad guys,” subduing them, etc. He’s always got a crazy story about his work as a metro security officer. I don’t want to get into it. He’s not someone I want to associate with but I can’t seem to avoid him because of this SMS thread that he chimes into.
This thread is the only tie I have to him. This thread is the only tie he has to anybody in the group that he used to play video games with..
I just realized that I can mute the thread permanently. I’m going to go ahead and do that right now.
aaaaand.. I just realized that it wasn’t even him that posted the latest outrageous story. It was another person in the group. Fuck me. I wanted to pin the “nasty person” label on the guy I don’t like, but it wasn’t even him
Namo Amida butsu
Namo Amida butsu
Namo Amida butsu
My mental state is off because I’m hungry. My base levels of human are coming out, the levels which are judgmental for the purpose of finding me safe people to exist around.
I take refuge in the Buddha. That’s all I can do right now.
I take refuge in the Buddha. It’s okay, I can be calm and find peace.
I take refuge in the Buddha. There is no good or evil, there just is.
Ehh. I don’t like that last one. I made that up, by the way. There is definitely a distinction of good & evil in what I have read about buddhism.
Maybe I brought that up because I want to feel less bad about killing an ant hill.
I think I’m going to go meditate now.
I’m grateful that I took the time to write in my journal today.
I’m grateful that I gave myself permission to take a long rest today.
I’m grateful that I’m respecting my pomodoro timer today.
16. I matter
15. Today, I will celebrate me.
53. I have the badass ability to pause and reflect.
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