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Mon Jan 20 2020

Last updated on January 18, 2022

12:39PM. Slept in quite a bit today. While I was struggling to get out of bed, I took a moment to inventory my feelings. I felt sad(7) and scared(5). Sad for who knows why. Maybe because I don’t feel like I have a purpose in life. Scared because I have a box full of small packages that I have to take to the post office today. I’m anxious about removing all the small packages and placing them on the counter.

I’m thinking I’ll just wait in line and ask for some of those post office bins that they give to people. I could grab a stack of those and next time I have a load to take to the post office, I could just leave the bin there. That would keep all the small packages in the same spot and I wouldn’t have to worry about the packages spilling off the counter because they would all be contained.

I think I’ll do that. I’ll wait in line rather than risking the packages causing the postal workers a headache. Mondays are usually busy. I am putting it off because I don’t want to deal with it.

I have to deal with it. Some of these packages were sold on Thursday and they haven’t gone out yet. I advertise 1 day processing so I’m behind on a few.

I want to exercise first. Exercise always helps me. The past few days the snow has been so slippery that walking outside is a challenge. I still need to do it though. Then I need to shower and shave. I should be finished up with that at around 2PM. I think there is a lull in the lines at around 2PM. Right after lunch it is usually busy so it could work out to be good timing if I go right around 2PM.

I could also go to the greenacres post office, if I so chose. That one is a smaller post office. Might be too small. If a line forms there, it’s PACKED. I’m going to the spokane valley post office. Then I’m going thrift shopping afterwards. It would be nice to find some more envelopes.

My friend A. sent me a wax stamp kit! I think she sent it to me as a bribe. I told her I wanted to take a break from our friendship and evaluate it at a later date. She seemed to get a little desperate and offered to buy me a gift. I said I wasn’t going to refuse a gift and that’s what she sent. She really knows I like writing! I don’t know if I’m going to talk to her again though. At least the whole instant messaging thing we do feels like a bad relationship.

We both suffer from depression, and I think we feed on each other’s depression. She’ll be sad and she’ll express it, so I’ll feel sad. I think it has a lot to do with my codependency. I carefully choose my words and say things that I think she’ll like. I’ll hold back on expressing my true self and my lowbrow interests such as anime and VOCALOID.

I’ll hold back on expressing my opinions on (anti) politics because she’s more liberal. Anything that might offender her, I choose not to say.

We don’t talk using our voices. That’s my choice. I don’t think that instant messaging relationship is helping me overcome my social anxiety. A. seems chronically depressed and she doesn’t seem to want to do anything to change that. I don’t think she’s a good influence in that respect.

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. day! The Post Office was closed. Apparently a mail truck still picks up the mail in the blue boxes, so I was able to drop off my first class parcels. They should go out today or tomorrow due to the pickup, but I’ll have to make another Post Office run tomorrow for the remaining priority mail parcels. I just left them in my Suburban. Tomorrow’s schedule is jam packed, so I’ll just add a Post Office stop to the list.

Tomorrow I have group therapy at 1PM, followed by CoDA at 6PM, followed by video gaming at 8PM. That is only 3 events, but that is a jam packed schedule for me!

Also I’m planning on going thrift shopping sometime during that period. I went thrifting today. I was so nervous pulling up to the thrift store because I hadn’t been there before. The parking spaces right up against the building were full, and the lines elsewhere looked non-existent. I was so nervous about pulling into a spot that was not well marked. I bailed out and went to a nearby post office. Not that I could drop off the packages or anything, but it gave me a moment to pull out some Pineapple juice and chug it down. I felt better and more ready to take on a challenge of parking after that.

I parked and went inside the thrift store. A male shopkeeper greeted me and explained the deals that were going on. Twice as Nice Thrift Store is the name of the place. It is obvious that a lot of love and attention has gone into the place. Unfortunately for me, their prices are high compared to other thrift stores. I got some small notebooks and envelopes for a great deal, a few of which have resale value.

I had an idea to start networking with groups I want to work with. Web development groups. There’s a wordpress meetup on wednesday that I’m thinking of going to. It’s at a hackerspace that I’ve been wanting to check out.

I also got an idea for a service which I’ve been thinking about for a few years. It’s for people who are in prison or live in places without a PC or internet. Those people might want to post a blog, but can’t because they don’t have access. So my idea is to make a wordpress blog which allows people to phone in and record their blog post. They register an account using their phone and a unique PIN code, then they can record their post and the recording appears on WordPress.

I like the idea so much that I should just make it. It’s a service that I think a lot of people could benefit from.


I just received a heart-felt letter from my younger sister. I thought I might post it here, but it’s too special to write here! The letter is for K., not the blog readers!


I’m going to eat something now. Be back later.


I decided to not eat. Instead, I just downed a vial of liquid mushrooms! They say it’s best taken on an empty stomach, and right now I’m starrrrrving! I still have 2 vials. Not sure what to do with them. I was planning on taking all 3, so I would have a huge massive trip and get to the astral realm no matter what.

To be honest, I’m feeling pretty nervous about the experience. I figure I can always down another vial or two should I want to take it further, but for now I’m easing into it.

I’m already feeling the effects. As I type this, I feel woosy. I see things here and there, like the cursor blinking will grab my attention and it’ll warp a bit. My mind is warping a bit here and there. It’s amazing how fast… I just drank it 5 minutes ago. 4-6 hour trip, here we come!

I bet it’ll last longer than that. I bet I’ll decide to down another vial or two and I’ll trip until tomorrow!

I’m going into this as a learner. I am going into this with the intention of being taught a lesson from the plant teachers. I am not going in to ask questions. I am simply an observer, a student, and a friend.

I took an inventory of the things I have to get done today. I just wanted to make sure that I don’t have any pressing todo items that I need to do while I’m sober.

Music jam and journalling, those are the only two things, and those two are readily accomplished under the influence.

I’m starting to feel waves of good energy. I remember the waves. They wash over me and take my mind away.

I should pop another vial…. Maybe maybe not. If I recall correctly, each vial contains 9mg of psylicin. That’s a big trip if I take them all at once. Maybe 2 would be good. The first time I tripped, I did one vial. This time I should up it to 2.

I’m going to write a note to myself. I’m starting to trip, LOOOOOOL time to relax.

The mushrooms are forcing me to relax. Ahh, feels good.

I’m getting a dissociative effect where I feel like I’m not in my body. Feels good.


Wow. HOLY FUCKING SHIT MY MIND IS BLOWN.

So I experienced a wild fucking ride. Apparently I’m god. Or a god. And boy, omygod. No I really think I know the answer to life the universe and everything.

42.

LOL, JK.

But no really. I get it. I get why psycadellics have profound impacts on people. I GET IT.

I took too much. Fuck that. I don’t want to take that much ever again.

This is the trip I was looking for. I got the answers I was looking for. Maybe a little too much…

Nah it’s good. Everything is good. I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything.

There’s so much I don’t know. There are some things that I do know.

I don’t fear death anymore.

My whole…. concept of reality.

It’s so boring. It’s so boring and totally dull and borking and useless and pointless and there is no end and there is no start….

Even if I want it to end. Even if I want it to end, there’s no end. Life is strange like that. Life is strange because….

There is no point! There is absolutely ZERO point to anything!

I GET IT.

I think I get it.

There is too much to get.

So… the total sum of consciousness in the universe is 1. I, Chris, am a part of that consiousness. The entity, GOD, created Chris because GOD is fucking bored as hell. Well, that’s a simplification.

GOD is me. I am god. Without earth, without all that shit..

In a different layer of existence. Beyond death shit.

A place where there is no…

IDK

I’m getting fucked in the ass in the metaverse, and this reality is distracting me from that unpleasant reality.

I don’t have the answers.

I think I created reality because the alternative sucks.

I have a chain around my neck and I’m getting dragged across the ground in the metaverse, and this reality is much better than that one.

Being dead sucks.

Damn, I’m starting to feel normal. I’m pretty sure I pissed myself. I might have vomited as well. I’ll never look at reality the same way again. Pandora’s box is open!

And I found god.

Not like Christ or anything. But like Buddhism. Now I can go to CoDA this evening and be okay with their 12 step process, the parts where god is involved. I was not happy about god being in the process, but now I know what god is, I’m okay with it.

God is just me. I can give control to god and I haven’t given up anything at all.

Oh my god I stink! I think I puked and I was rolling around in it. Puke and pee.

Also I’m not so sure this reality is the true reality. I feel like I’m actually going through some major ordeal on another level, and I’m just here as a distraction. Like I’m getting violently raped or I’m drowning or I’m terminally ill somewhere.

I kept getting this patting sensation, like my mom was there with me. Like the matrix is real and there were people trying to help me wake up. I felt like I was choking and if I puked enough times, I would surface in the real world.

I’ll stay here for now, thanks.

Oh, by the way… My X10 lights sometimes light up in the middle of the night. I’ve adopted a lore that it lights up when Extraterrestrials are trying to get a hold of me.

THE LIGHT CAME ON WHEN I WAS TRIPPING BALLS!

If that isn’t a coincidence, then I don’t even know. Here I am tripping balls, and the lights come on. That is just too wild!

I have more questions than answers!

Incredibly grateful to be alive. Incredibly grateful to be Chris. Incredibly grateful to have friends.

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