Mon Jan 27 2020

1:27PM. My couch is very uncomfortable to sleep on. I never feel rested but I also never wake up feeling super tired… I wake up with this feeling that I’m just ready to go. I’m concerned that I’m not hitting rem sleep or something, but I am definitely having dreams so I think that might be incorrect.

Maybe my regular futon was giving me bad sleep. Maybe this is what good sleep is like, I was just so used to bad sleep? I still need a middle ground. I woke up with muscle spasms in my leg. I’m not able to fully stretch out, so I think my spine and legs are getting compressed.

Ok then, let’s work hard, get lots of $$$ and be able to afford a new mattress! Yeah, I like that idea.

I’ve got my sewing machine disassembled on my desk. B. texted me last night and said he’d buy any part it needed to get working again. He needs his battle belt back from me so he can compete in a competition next month. I gotta fix my sewing machine so I can finish altering his belt and get it back to him.

I was getting so angry when this machine started “nesting” the thread. I looked up a bunch of videos last night and learned some things. When thread nests like that, the problem can be one of several things. The thread might not be strung correctly through the tensioner. The needle might be out of position, the tension might be too loose. The bobbin tension might be too loose.

I figured out how to increase tension on the bobbin. That’s a multi-step process to remove the bobbin cage, but I learned how to do that. There was some factory yellow paint/glue which I had to scrape away to be able to access the bobbin tensioner, but boy was that tension loose! The bolt that adjusts tension was spinning freely, so that was definitely part of the problem.

I got the bobbin tensioned, then I realized there was another problem. The hook on the bobbin cage was not catching the thread from the needle. When the hook doesn’t catch the thread from the needle, the sewing machine doesn’t do any work. It simply punches a bunch of holes in the fabric, but no thread gets sewn into the fabric.

This leads me to believe that I have a timing issue, which is the reason for me removing the bottom cover of the sewing machine. I found a service manual which describes the process for adjusting the timing. I got a good look at the internal mechanisms seen in the picture above, I and I just noped for the night. That was last night at about 4AM.

I could have slept several hours before. I gotta watch myself in this regard. When I’m ready to sleep, it’s time to turn off the computer and lay down!

There’s always the next day. And now that I’m living an intentional life, there’s no need for me to feel bad about winding down a project for the evening and picking it up the next day.

That was a big part of why I was so addicted to League of Legends a year or two ago. I did not want the next day to begin, because there were so many things that would happen in the next day that I was not looking forward to. My IT job was the big one. I can’t believe I held that job for so long. I had such an absolutely terrible attendance record, that I’m surprised I wasn’t replaced.

I would show up at 1PM and work until 4PM. I would just not show up at all many days. My co-workers seemed to get used to it and expected no less. If they really needed something, I would get a call or text.

That was so shitty! I wonder if my dad was thinking he was doing me a favor. Technically, he probably was. I had a job and a source of income, even if I didn’t decide to show up for work. I was seemingly immune to being fired. That could be seen as a huge favor!

I never saw it that way. I wanted to be fired on many occasions so I could disconnect from my parents and start living my own life. I was miserable, creatively inhibited, and I saw nothing in my future to be excited about.

Things are different now! That’s for sure. I’m struggling right now. I’m struggling to turn a profit. Struggling to get grocery money. Struggling to support myself! But now I’m free in the sense that I don’t have to work for my parents. I don’t have to feel like a subject or do jobs I don’t feel proud to do.

I can’t take it easy though. That’s one thing I gotta be extra vigilant about. I only have one shot at this. I can’t slack off, take days off when I need to get things bought and listed. Every day I need to put in a determined effort to “move the needle.”

This brings me to today! Today I am going to go outside and train, then I’m going to shower and head to the Post Office. I have 10 or so small parcels going out today.

After that, I’ll make trip to thrift stores and make some acquisitions. I’m setting my goal at 5 items today. No fucking Turtle Beach products! I saw another Turtle Beach headset at Salvation Army last week. I had to think for a minute.

Why would someone donate a Turtle Beach headset?

Because they’re faulty! They suck! Their hardware is terribly designed!

I haven’t heard a good Turtle Beach headset. I don’t think such a headset exists. My friend M. has the best sounding Turtle Beach, but every now and again, a bunch of electrical noise accompany his voice transmissions. Bad hardware design.

My brother M. had a turtle beach headset. It failed after some time, and he was really confused as to why. I think they’re either programmed to self destruct, or they are so poorly designed that they do so extremely reliably.

My old friend K. had a Turtle Beach headset. I can’t remember specifics, but it had problems often.

Dr. Disrespect is sponsored by Turtle Beach. Last time I watched him on Twitch, I found that the audio transmitted via his headset is embarrassingly bad. I can’t believe Turtle Beach is in business. They probably make bank because they have headsets that work on every major gaming console. Maybe console games are used to shit accessories that breaks?

Nah, I don’t think I’m alone in my belief that Turtle Beach is shit. I think their headset problems are well known.

That reminds me, I still need a better headset. I feel bad using my laptop’s built-in microphone for squad. People tell me that they can hear my fans when my PC is really working hard to run Squad.

I think one of those adhesive sennheizer microphones would be good.

I could have sworn there was a sennheizer model which functions similar to that one. That one is super expensive. I would get this one instead, which comes from Antlion as well. What a dumb name for a company. Probaly a Chinese company.

There are a lot of Chinese companies which have dumb sounding names, but they wear that name proudly! I can’t think of any examples now, LOL. I guess AntLion will have to be the prime example for the moment!

Anyway, that’s a pretty slick design. It essentially would convert my very nice Sony headphones into a very nice gaming headset. I use my Sony’s when I want good audio. So every time I play Project Diva. Or Sometimes when I’m mixing and mastering a track in LMMS, I put these on to get an idea of how the song will sound to other listeners.

And when my Sony headphones eventually fail, I can toss the headphones but hold onto the microphone.

That’s it, it’s settled!! I’ll be getting a microphone like that, once I have some play money.

Bills and expenses come first! Something I’ve struggled with in the past is paying bills and expenses before I buy the things on my want list. YNAB is helping me with that. YNAB doesn’t deserve all the credit. A lot of it comes down to me being more disciplined, but what YNAB does deserve credit for is making me aware of how much money I pay for things, and gives me a solid structure for dealing with expenses.

Expenses have to be paid one way or another, so YNAB lays things out in clear view. I feel like I’m talking like a promoter, and glossing over the nitty gritty. Ugh, Ok, no more affiliate links in this article! Nobody is going to click on them anyway!

Restart. Refresh. What makes YNAB good for helping me buy fun stuff?

Basically I get a bunch of red lights if I make an impulse purchase. I get a bunch of red lights and warnings when I buy something which I did not budget for. I get green lights when I pay for something that I planned to pay for.

YNAB isn’t the type of thing that says, don’t buy fun things. YNAB is the type of thing that says, “buy things you planned on buying!”

I have a Hatsune Miku merchandice budget for that exact reason… YNAB is all about helping me pay for the things that I want to pay for!

Unfortunately since I have no steady income, that budget category hasn’t had funds for months… But you get the idea. It’s there for when I have an income, and ready for me to divvy a chunk of my income into it!

My #1 goal is to get out of debt. I can do it!

I hope by this time next year, I have a steady income. I hope I can get a good work/life balance in the next few months, to where I feel happier more often. Miserable less often (or never.) I hope I can find love and belonging, because I deserve it!

Last week I brought up the issue of feeling love and belonging with my therapist. She asked me if I think I deserved love and belonging. I thought about it for a few seconds before replying yes. I went on to say that I didn’t think I deserved friends because of my past issues with hurting people close to me.

She said I deserve friends, and they deserve me. She asked me how that made me felt, and I felt like crying. That made me happy(7). I can start to believe it if K. said it’s so.


Here’s a track I downloaded from Vocaloid Discord server. Who knows if the world will ever see a release of this song? I don’t know Yuki. perhaps? Oh god, she’s supposed to be an elementary school student and her age was not originally revealed because of legal reasons. LMFAO!

Well that makes me uncomfortable(4). Thank goodness it’s not a dirty song. I’m probably feeling uncomfort for no good reason. I shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable talking about kids. I have a guilty conscious because I’m into anime featuring romance between teenagers. Fictional animated teenagers. I’m not thinking for myself right now. I’m thinking using other’s perspective as a basis.

Hi I’m Chris and I’m a codependent.

Codependence compliance pattern. Codependents often…

  • put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.
  • Are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
  • Are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
  • give up their truth to gain approval of others or to avoid change.

Ok then, with that in mind, let me express my actual opinion.

I love girls. I love the idea and the concept of girls. Young, happy girls who sing and dance are wonderful, and bring me joy. I am sexually attracted to many girls. Not by choice, but by nature. It is uncomfortable to say this, but it’s true, it’s a part of me and I accept it.

I don’t want to get into it. I feel unnecessarily defensive right now. I’m not on trial and I have no plans on being on trial. I’m attracted to anime girls more than actual girls. I wouldn’t want to date or have sexual relations with a girl so young. I want a girl who is petite, but mentally mature. If she’s 800 years old yet tiny like Rory Mercury, I’d be on Cloud nine!

I made this blog post awkward. I made it awkward because I’m such an amateur when it comes to sex. I’m just starting to accept and be okay with sexuality. I’ve hid my sexuality for a long time, and now I’m coming to terms with it and trying to remove the shame which religion and my parents instilled in me.

I’ll try to write about this some more in the future. I think I have some growing to do on the topic.

For now, I will end this post with some words of gratitude.

I’m grateful for producers who share their music works on Discord. I’m grateful for online video tutorials which I’m using to learn how to service my sewing machine. I’m grateful for massaging tools which help me get knots out of my legs.

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