Apparently today is the day when the second economic stimulus check drops. I’m checking my bank to see if I got it.

Yep, I got it. “XXTAXEIP2 IRS TREAS 310 ID9111736098” in the amount of $600.

Apparently there was a vote in congress(?) or the senate(??) to increase that amount, but I guess it didn’t pass???

I was hoping for another $2K or whatever the first one was. Oh well, at least it actually happened at all. For a moment there, I was worried that the second stimulus check wouldn’t happen at all.

I’m going to hold onto the money, and see if I can use it to pay for a Starlink terminal. I just gotta wait until I actually get an invite to Starlink. That could be months!

Hmm… do I hold onto it, or do I spend some to get some more inventory from Buyee?? Choices, choices.

I have an order to ship out today, but I’m holding off because the customer bought some cards, and sent some offers as well. I was asleep during the evening when the offers came in, and I accepted them in the middle of the night. The customer has yet to pay for those offers, so I’m waiting until they do, and I can ship everything at once.

I think I have one more buyee order which is in transit. Hopefully it didn’t get lost!

I just checked. There isn’t one in transit. Hmm…

Well IDK. I’ll think about that later.

Right now I want to … Go for a walk. I’m tense. I’ve been working on futureporn for almost 6 hours. I took a nap at 3 or 4 AM. I have therapy at 9AM.

I’m slipping.

I’m mostly ignoring my DPC. I’m mostly just coding futureporn.

I’m addicted to coding.

I don’t see a benefit.

I’m sad about being poor.

$600 is a lot of money

Usually I write more than one sentence per paragraph.

But today I am writing one sentence per paragraph.

I’m not depressed.

I’m just not happy.

I’m skipping all the stuff that makes me happy.

I just want to code more!

I’m making strange progress. Progress is made, but what do I get from it?

Oh that was two sentences.

I apologize.

—

STAHP!

Ok so I think I just need to re-organize my DPC. Cut out all the shit that I am not planning on doing. That includes eBay, strangely.

I’m fulfilling orders, but that’s about it. Orders and restocking packing materials. I’m going to continue this until I finish Futureporn.

Am I addicted to porn?

No not really. I ….

Wait, am I?

I’m not watching porn, unless I’m watching Melody. I guess I could be addicted to porn, but I’m barely watching it or fapping. LOL I think I fap like once every 2 weeks.

I’m behaving poorly, though. I’m building this porn website, and my schedule is completely fucked. My daily progress is fucked. My moderation and time tracking is fucked. My progress on anything except for this porn website is fucked.

Hmm… I’m thinking I need to dial this back. I’m thinking it’s time to re-do my DPC to actually encourage some restraint and moderation in my routine.

Ok, the schedule has been reset! I thought about what I actually want to be doing now… I thought about moderation… This should get me to where I want to be. All I gotta do is do my best to do the things and fill in the checkboxes!

The holidays threw me for a loop. I was anxious about meeting with family and being authentic and vulnerable. I avoided feelings like love by working hard and for extreme hours on futureporn.

The holidays are over. It’s back to the routine, and it’s time for me to have some moderation and feel good again. I don’t want to go on like I have been during the past few days. I become exhausted and anxious. I struggle to focus on anything. I slide down in my seat from exhaustion and stress, yet I keep going, compelled to complete the project.

I’ll complete the project, but I’ll do it the way that I’ve found best. Slow and consistent progress. Capped duration work sessions.

If I keep going like I am going now, I’ll lose everything. EVERYTHING. Income, friends, social gatherings, daily progress, muscle mass, well being, sanity.

It’s okay to have spans of time where I go deep in projects. Ludum Dare is a great time for that, especially because the time is limited.

Now is not that time. Now it’s time to dial it back. It’s time to relax more, work less, do more yoga, more exercise, and less. Fucking. work.

Ok then. Today is a new day. I’ve checked off Futureporn for the day. LOL. Absolutely nothing else is checked off. Pick n’ Pack will get a N/A today, because of what I stated earlier.

Exercise? I’ll go take care of that as soon as the sun comes up. It’s 7:06AM btw. Sunrise is in 26 minutes.

Bathe? I’ll take care of that after I exercise.

Meditation? I’ll do that after bathing.

Vitamins? I’ll do that when I eat breakfast.

Journal? I’m taking care of that right now.

sbtp-loyalty? I’ll start that after therapy.

Twitch? I’ll do that after sbtp-loyalty.

Socialize 1h? Therapy will check that off the list.

Wiki? I’ll do that after Twitch.

Yoga? I’ll do those when breaking from code.

That’s it for the list. One thing I am realizing is that there will be a lot of extra time in the day. In other words, I have time to check off everything on this list, and there will be time to spare.

So… What do I do with that time? I’m not really sure. I’m tempted to go back and work on futureporn once I get to that point.

NOT ALLOWED!

I already checked off all the futureporn checkboxes for today. That means that I cannot work on it for even a moment more!

Uhhhh… IDK what to do with that time.

I guess I’ll catch up on Ironmouse and ProjektMelody livestreams?

Ohh, I have a torrent seedbox that I want to reconfigure. Would that be allowed?

I think it might… maybe… IDK.

So my thought process here is that Futureporn, sbtp-loyalty, and twitch code projects are all my “day job.” Even though they earn me nothing, they’re the type of work I want to be doing for money, so I count it as work.

So then I should have some time off in the evening to to personal projects, right?

I guess I should. I guess. IDK.

It’s a slippery slope there. If I allow myself to have personal code time, then I’m just going to start another fucking project, while I have all these other projects which are incomplete.

I don’t want a pile of incomplete projects. Eh… I have exactly that. Just look at my github! 300 projects. How many of them actually got completed? 1%, MAYBE.

Ok so let me rephrase. I don’t want to continue the trend of starting projects, then shortly abandoning them. The way to fucking finish projects is to take it slow, and make very small, very daily progress.

I’m on the brink of losing sbtp-loyalty to the halls of the forgotten because I’m not looking at it and touching it every day. That’s why I’m saying, “HALT!” and re-evaluating my daily routine.

I got this!

Thank you journal-san for this time to reflect and re-evaluate!

I just got paid for the other items in that order. I’m going to…. stop writing and go take care of that so I can get to the mailbox on schedule at 8AM.

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On schedule! I also went for a 30 minute walk, and then I had a shower, a shave, and went to therapy via Zoom. 10:01AM now. I’m getting hungry, but I want to mediate before I eat. It’s always easier to do breathing exercises on an empty stomach.

The challenge for today is… to not overwork myself. I’m out of Futureporn slots, which means that I… I already talked about this.

Notes from therapy are as follows.

• reach out to friends C.T. Set up a Video call & make a podcast, or at least talk about shit using my vocals. It will help to talk with my voice and give my hands a rest!
• Reach out to M.
• Reach out to siblings.
• Reach out to video game group.
• Attend CoDA & FBH Game Group.

Y’know what sucks about T-Shirts? I got this cool NASA shirt for Christmas. It’s got a large embroidered NASA logo on the front. The first time I washed it (in cold water, followed by machine dry on medium) the shirt looks terrible. The logo is completely ruined, shriveled like a potato crisp.

It looks like it’s got 5 years of wear, although it’s got closer to 5 days of wear. So basically I would have had to not wash it for it to look nice.

I just checked the tag. There’s not even care instructions on this! Someone paid over $30 for this shirt, as indicated by the tag, and after the first wash, it looks terrible. SOUTHPOLE is the brand. Fuck SOUTHPOLE!

@todo editor please remove the brand, as they are not paying me for advertising!

Speaking of advertising… I am getting more and more e-mails from people who want to publish shit on my blog. That’s a good thing! I ignore every one of the mails, because they offer amounts like $10 as compensation, and I don’t think that’s worth it.

I’m sitting on hundreds of unpublished articles which are going to make this blog… A shit show, honestly! But it’ll be a contentful shitshow! LOL

But no really, If I’m producing daily content, I think there might be a point at which I get an audience. And if I get an audience, that’s a prime condition to get a corporate sponsor.

If I gain an audience and have their attention, then a corporate sponsor comes along and values my content… The way I see it, I’ve been working for free for the past x years, so the corporate sponsor has to make up for the time I spent making all that initial content by offering me a value that pays for all that time previously spent.

So $10 offers can get the fuck out!

Is this narcissism? I don’t think so. It’s not an easy thing to write every day. I value my time.

I’m wrapping up this post with gratitude and affirmations.

I’m grateful for…

The snow melting, because I can now walk outside comfortably with my barefoot shoes.

The call I had with my therapist, because I … would be lonely otherwise.

The food I have in my cabinets, because I like to EAT

I’m grateful for the time I spend writing, because it soothes my mind.

35. Fuck bitches, make money.

I know that’s not an affirmation, but I can’t think of anything else. It just seems right to say that in this moment. Fuck bitches, make money. And when I say fuck bitches, I mean, “forget bitches” rather than “have sex with bitches”

I say that only because I’m lonely.. blaaaaaah

When I was walking I was thinking about lonliness. I felt lonely walking in the rain, and I thought to myself that I will always be lonely. REALITY IS that I will always be a brain in a box and the best I can ever hope for is that someone will become close enough to me to want to lend me their ear every day.

52. I choose to be brave and tell others if I need support.
51. I will speak kindly to others and to myself.