Mon Jan 6 2020 @ 1:44 PM PST

This morning I woke up and realized I need to do something about my sleep quality. I seem to not be able to stay asleep. I don’t think my be is comfortable enough for me to properly relax.

This morning I went to Trader Joe’s. I used my gift card up and I got to see what the fuss of Trader Joe’s is all about. Wow, what a fantastic store! It’s jam packed with every good thing I can think of. Tons of vegan items as well. I got some canned eggplant with tomato and onion. And some jackfruit! I’m sure to have an adventure when I cook with them!

So yeah, I’m not even worrying about cooking right now. I got enough quick-prep food that I don’t need to worry about it. I can finally drink some of my cashew milk that has been in my fridge for weeks, since I got Trader Joe’s cinnamon cereal! I think it’s meant to be a copy of cinnamon toast crunch, which is a DELICIOUS cereal. Definitely not healthy, but every now and then I think it’s okay to spoil myself.

I got some artisan bread and peanut butter. And of course since it’s recipe monday, I got all the ingredients I need to make Lisa Lansing’s vegan pancakes. Oh, I got maple syrup too! It will be a feast for sure!

Too bad the bananas at Trader Joe’s were all green! I’ll have to wait a day or two until I can actually make the pancakes. Until then, Bread and peanut butter it is!

Oh dang, I should have got some pepper. I’m all out of pepper.

I did my training already. I feel pretty exhausted from it. I had to dial it back a bit because I was feeling like I would pass out every time I stopped jogging and did squats. I think it’s from the high blood pressure as a result of a short jog and a few squats. That compounded with low blood sugar from not eating enough yesterday made me feel ready to fall over and start seizing or something.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I had brain damage from falling on my long board. I don’t remember actually hitting my head, I only remember the moments before that, when my long board disappeared from beneath my feet.

I also wouldn’t be surprised if I had a mild stroke a few years ago. I had a period of intense stress at work, followed by almost passing out while driving. I went to urgent care because of that, and they said I was fine but I had hypertension. A few months before that is when I think I might have had a little brain bleed.

I had just got off work and I was very stressed out. i went to Fred Meyer to look for some protective airsoft safety glasses for an upcoming game I was hosting. Loaner eyepro for any new player guests on the field.

So I get to the safety glasses and they’re in a locked case. I hail a store associate and it turns out to be someone I kinda know. A boyfriend of one of my sister’s friends. I was incredibly stressed, not happy, but I forced a smile and forced politeness. That’s when I felt a dripping sensation in the upper left part of my head. I felt my head with my hand because it felt like blood was dripping down my scalp.

There was no blood on my scalp, but the feeling persisted for a few moments. I forced myself to be friendly even though I was in pain from the stress. The dripping sensation tingled a bit, and eventually stopped after a few minutes.

Something is wrong with my head. My left inner ear sends incorrect balance signals to my brain. I’ve just learned to override what comes from my left ear. When it first started happening, I experienced days where I felt incredibly nauseous, as if food poisoned.

I think the issue might be a complication from having upper jaw surgery. My upper jaw was sawn apart, and separated around my nasal cavities. Le fort 1. So there could be something that happened as a result there, which affects my inner ear.

Or I have a brain tumor, or an aneurysm. Two of my brothers had tumors of some kind when they were young. I could have something like that, and tumors just run in the family.

I’ve never had a CT scan or whatever it is they do to scan brains. It would be nice to know what’s going on in there.

I need an advocate. I can’t do it myself because I don’t love myself enough. If I had a terminal brain tumor, I don’t know if I would even try to fight it. I might just ride it out and let myself die.

Obviously, I’m not in the best of moods right now. I want it to be 3PM already so I can have breakfast. I feel like I have low blood sugar. That really depresses my mood.

So something happy… something happy…

Oh, #Jamuary2020 is going good. I’ve had day 4’s jam stuck in my head for two days now! I wonder what I’ll come up with today? I tried to make hip hop on day4, but I don’t know that song structure well enough to replicate it. Instead I went with what I went with. A sad/happy combination with vocals by Hatsune Miku and yours truly!

I went back and tried to make day 4’s jam even better last night. I ran into a point where there was too much on the screen, nothing was organized, and the song flow didn’t sound good so I just called it quits. Perhaps I’ll come back to it later.

Oh yeah, I think I will apply to some manufactured homes places, if possible. There’s an RV place in Spokane that I would be willing to work at. The RVs that are all silver and streamlined on the outside.

Airstream Spokane. I would like to work at a place like that because I want to learn how to make tiny homes.

I’m just looking for ideas on jobs I could tolerate!

I came up with an idea while driving. I like mailing letters to people, so I thought maybe there is a market for people who are wanting to receive letters. Maybe the elderly who don’t have someone to write to? Or someone lonely just looking for a penpal?

So the thing goes like this. People enter their address, pay a fee, and I send them a letter. If they write back, I send them a letter for free! The process continues indefinitely as long as they keep replying.

IDK, might work, probably won’t though. I could also add in stickers which makes it more worth it for them.

It’s about PASSION. I want to monetize my PASSION so I can live how I want to live!

I’ll try it. The website would be simple enough. Wait, maybe I won’t try it. I’m sensing dismissal. I am not committed. Maybe there should be a continued cost to participating. Maybe STICKERS are required to continue? That way, I get a stream of incoming stickers…

I don’t even know.

It doesn’t sound very profitable. If that’s the whole point, profitability, than I think I need to give more thought to a business model that makes sense.

Maybe there isn’t monetary profit. There has to be some kind of profit, though.

I want to make it, right now. I want to code that website! And buy the domain and put it out there!

Hey check out I made that. Last night I improved it quite a bit. I added the slider that lets the student choose how many modules they want to guess. I also added the nav bar at the top with the VOCALOID 01 logo. And the custom fonts.

Now that’s passion. I have lots of ideas for vocaloid01. I want to add a search feature that lets learners find what a module looks like, given the module name. Also I want to add thousands more modules which exist on the internet. It’ll be a like a module database. Actually this is one of my oldest ideas for a VOCALOID related website. A database with all the juicy kawaii module info you could ever need!

I’ll be adding more VOCALOID content as well. Not just Miku. I have the guess the VOCALOID test right now, which I plan on improving a little more.

Lots of stuff I can do with that.

Koichi from Wanikani sent a newsletter around the first of the year. It said, “learn less japanese.”

I was like, “wut?”

The idea is to learn less Japanese, more often. I think I’m applying this idea to all aspects of my life right now. List 1 thing on eBay. Do 15 minutes of Japanese study. Do 1 thing to make my Suburban more livable.

It’s like what my counselor K. says. “Baby steps.” We haven’t talked about my sexual trauma or any really deep shit yet, and I think K. is doing that on purpose. First we need to get myself stable and happy to be alive, then we need to get myself off of my codependency. Then we can talk about relationships and traumas which prevent them. K. is pretty wise!

2:24. Breakfast is soon!

I’m calling it breakfast even though it’s in the afternoon. I’m using it because it’s name fits. The literal meaning of breakfast is a meal which breaks a fast. Or something like that.

I’m grateful for Trader Joe’s! I had a conversation with the man who bagged my groceries. By the way, Trader Joe’s really nailed it with their interior design. The check stands don’t have conveyor belts because those are big and can fail, and require redundant actions. The check stands are named after streets in Spokane. That’s really thoughtful!

So yeah, I told the gentleman that it was my first time at a Trader Joe’s. He was pretty surprised! I got two free reusable shopping bags for my first visit as well. How cool!

Seriously, just everything in that store is visually appealing. From the designs of their canned food to the shelves which neatly hold and organize the products, to the hand written price tags on coloured paper. Very aesthetic indeed.

I spent $76.51. $40 of that was covered by the gift card I received from H.

That reminds me, I must record this transaction in YNAB! Someday I will be out of debt, and it will happen quicker if I keep good records!

I’m grateful for my counselor/therapist/clinician K. I think I said this before, but she is helping me quite a bit and I appreciate her. I have hope because of the work I’m doing with her.

I’m grateful for e-commerce. It totally spoils me, and I do so irresponsibly as of late, but I appreciate being able to summon whatever physical goods I desire at the click of a button. I got a notification that my Diamine ancient copper fountain pen ink arrived.

I’m sooo hungry!

I’m grateful that I have been able to eat, even when I am not actively producing value in my community. Hmm…

That reminds me. I once read that entrepreneurs should look for customers with problems, not for products.

Well, I have an issue forming relationships with people, so I think I’m doomed to fail as an entrepreneur. I guess I live in a time when the relationships don’t have to be face to face. So I guess I have that going for me. I could resell quality items I find in thrift stores, for example. That requires minimal social contact, yet provides value for the people who purchase the items from me.

That’s the kind of job I want! I really really really want that kind of job!

Do less, more often. Baby steps. i just gotta keep that in mind. I’m listing 1 thing per day on eBay right now. I aim for market value, no reserve!. I list at $1 with free shipping, so as many people as possible see it.

I’m going to go list my daily item now. Later, nerds!

Looking for VOCALOID trading cards?

Check out Sakura Blossom Trading Post