Mon Jul 20 2020

insomnia, night, sheep

3:03 AM. Can’t sleep. Restless legs and tense stomach muscles. After laying in bed for about an hour, I decided to get up and watch anime.

Watching miru tights. This is someone’s fetish. LOL. I’m just not into it. Tights are a thin piece of fabric which get in the way of what I actually care about– butts and thighs.

Episodes are about 5 minutes long. Do I sit through and binge this ecchi anime that I don’t care about, or do I move on? I suppose I’ll employ the 3 episode rule. It’s not like my to watch list has any shortage. 319 anime on my plan to watch list.

I think my sleep quality took a nose dive once I started taking my new multivitamins. I take them at noon, and I think I’ve been getting a huge boost of energy from them. That and my appetite is lowered pretty substantially.

So I think what I’m going to do is I’m going to start taking them first thing in the morning. That way, any energy I get from them should be expired by the time bed time comes around.

My food stamps got re-upped for the last time, so I went to the grocery store yesterday and got ingredients for a hearty mexican style meal. It was FANTASTIC and I felt so happy and greatful for the meal.

I made a sort of a Mexican bowl consisting of black beans, refried beans, leafy greens, avocado, lime juice, diced tomato, diced red onion, and leftover vegan queso.

I cut some corn tortillas into fourths, added salt and broiled them to make chips, and the whole meal turned out absolutely fantastic. I haven’t ate that good in weeks. So stoked to have that meal, and so stoked to prepare more of the same for dinner tonight!

Ok I saw 3 eps of the tights anime and I marked it as dropped. I’m gonna watch Tensei Shitara Slime Datta Ken now. I’m on episode 19. I think I dropped it because it got boring or predictable or something. I’m sure there are all sorts of surprises yet to be seen, so I’m going to pick up where I left off.

That feeling when the episode progress of your currently watching list is incorrect.

I already saw this episode!

Ok now I skipped to the next ep. An episode with rat bastard kids are gettin’ trained by the slime person.

This anime is really a feel-good anime. That’s all it seems to be. Like, everything goes so well for the main character. This is like porn for people with shitty lives.

Maybe that’s why anime isn’t so interesting anymore. I like what I do. I’ve got stress and money problems to deal with, but I’m making progress.

I’m feelin’ stressed out just watching this show. maybe I’m stressing because I’m multitasking.

I got a few hours of sleep. Awoke to an $85 sale on a Madoka booster box. Fuuuuck yeah! That’s a wonderful thing to wake up to. I packaged that up in record time while I was still half awake. Feels good to be a gangster!

Card gangster. I sell collectible trading cards which are unlicensed for this region, LOL.

I’m going to make rent. FeelsGoodMan. I also found a few bitcoin paper wallets of mine which I plan to use to keep the business going until at least the end of August. I’ve got an upcoming event on my calendar to get another package shipped to me from Buyee. I’m going to make that event and get more product on it’s way on schedule.

I also placed a sniper bid on a Precious Memories Hatsune Miku Part 2 booster box which I was unable to bid on last week.

6 days left on that auction. It actually expired once already with no bidders which was the most surprising thing I’ve ever seen. Those booster boxes are incredibly hard to find as of 2020. They were printed in 2013 after all.

I already have one of those booster boxes purchased and sitting at Buyee. I’m going to be so pleased if I can get that second one. I think I have a good chance because nobody even bid on it last go around, and the seller ended up relisting it.

I have like 35 items sitting at Buyee. Usually items have a 30 day limit to sit at Buyee before a fee is charged, but I’m in a covy grace period right now, where Buyee doesn’t move the 30 day counter. Hopefully that keeps up for awhile, because those items will be sitting there for a little longer.

It’s time for me to consolidate some packages and get them ready for sea shipping. I figured out last night that I can’t open the buyee page for the items I have purchased without waiting several seconds between opening each page. I think it’s some sort of page scraping or DDoS defense. I get locked out for a few minutes where instead of seeing Buyee page content, I’m shown a page error.

I got 12 packages selected and I queued the shipping consolidation + protective packaging work. It cost around $25 to get package consolidation + protective packaging. In the future I’d like to be a little risky and not pay for protective packaging. I think their basic packaging consolidation is usually pretty good. The last package I received from Buyee was without protective packaging and it was shipped to me in a hefty looking box.

Anyway, they really recommend protective packaging when shipping via Seamail. It makes sense. That box is going to be handled and thrown around by a lot of people along it’s ~60 day journey.

Last package update for my in-progress sea shipment was on July 4th. That’s 16 days ago. That was in KANAGAWA, KAWASAKIHIGASHI and the status was, “exported from the departure country”. I haven’t even heard of that place. I’m guessing the package is on the ship right now?

8:30AM. Last call for shipping! Time to walk packages to the mailbox.

I did the deed, and then I did 5 minutes of meditation before therapy at 9. That went well, although there were a couple moments where I experienced great shame and I did not speak shame. Oops. I suppose I should practice speaking shame with my therapist, since she’s the safest person I can talk to about things.

I felt shame when I read my answer to CoDA 30q #13. I had written about addiction and replacing my addiction with masturbation with the addiction of working.

I hadn’t remembered that I wrote masturbation and I experienced shame. I coughed and instead of reading the word, I said, “I’m going to skip that part.”

“I’m ashamed to say it, but porn.” That’s what I could have said and I think I might have been okay saying that. In doing so, I would be both open and speaking shame which are both great things to practice with my therapist.

There was another moment when I clammed up and smiled. I don’t think there was anything funny, I just was feeling intense anxiety and I reverted to my nervous smile.

I don’t even know what that was about. Perhaps I was thinking about the previous shame trigger that I mentioned?

Dunno. Anyway, that’s over now, and I learned some stuff. I also got assigned some homework–

  • Work on balance
    • exercise
    • work
    • self-care
  • Review my “God List” and meditate on it
  • Do a buddhist sutra chant at least once a day
  • Finish Shy No Longer Module 1 and begin on module 2.
  • Do CoDA 30q #14

I set the sutra chanting goal for myself when my therapist suggested that I work on my spirituality.

I’m very unbalanced in my life right now. Too much work, not enough play. Too much isolation and loneliness, not enough family and friends.

Too much stress, not enough good sleep.

Too much bicycling, not enough stretching.

REST! I want REST!

I had another indecent the other day when I was awoken from a nap by a knock on the door. I stumbled to the door and opened it, but nobody was there. Perhaps I’m hearing sounds that seem like knocks, but they are not? Or perhaps the person knocking got bored of waiting, expected I was gone or unavailable, and left.

Either way, it’s frustrating. I was so angry about being interrupted again, that I came to a conclusion for my own health– I don’t have to answer the door. I don’t owe anybody an answer to their knock. I think it was my codependency all along that was causing me to quit sleeping and get up, get dressed, and answer the knock.

I DESERVE SLEEP, no matter what time of the day it is! I’m living an odd life in which I work from home and work for myself. Odd sleep is A-OK along with that odd life!

So I’m just not going to answer in the future. I’m not going to put up a sign on my doorhandle that says I’m sleeping– It’s nobody’s business but my own!

I might answer if they knock twice or thrice. Otherwise, they can come back later or call or text. I do not exist to satisfy the curiosities or requests of others! I exist to fulfill my own purposes. Part of my purpose is to rest when I need it.

I think I need it now. I walked 30 laps around the campfire. I said hi to my mom who was gardening in the sun.

I showered and shaved. I’m beat!

I only slept for about 3 hours this morning. Insomnia sucks. Well, I took my vitamins this morning. Hopefully that helps me with balance. Hopefully I can get some sleep at night.

I was walking this morning and I kept thinking about my game idea, First Person Sorcerer. I am so excited about that game. I wonder if I could pull it off? I wonder if my brothers would be interested in helping making it a reality?

I want to pitch the game to my brother D. sometime. He’s the one who got me thinking of using Unreal Engine. Apparently he downloaded the SDK and he’s been tinkering with it.

I want to invite him to join me in Ludum Dare this year. Also maybe my brother M. IDK if either of them would be interested. We probably wouldn’t even make the sorcerer game for #LDJAM because it probably won’t fit the theme.

IDK, it depends on what we are really passionate about at the time. There’s no strict requirement to follow the theme, we could simply jump on whatever game concept seems like the best thing to do.

I napped. No knock on the door lol. Slept like a rock. 3:50PM.

I’m going to do some Shy No Longer work now.

Anxiety Symptoms worksheet.


  • Chest tightness
  • sweating
  • dry mouth
  • stomach tightness
  • face furling


  • I’m not good enough
  • They won’t like me anymore
  • Am I bothering them?
  • This isn’t going to work out. I have to quit.
  • I want do die
  • I want to run away


  • Avoidance
  • Compliance
  • Agreeing to a meeting when I don’t actually want to attend

I’m grateful that I have AC. It would be a hot soupy mess in my apartment otherwise.

When I was in the shower earlier today, the lights went out for about 15 seconds. I was in pitch black darkness and unable to see anything. I got a little worried that I might slip and fall and hurt myself in the dark shower, but the lights came on momentarily. I’m grateful that the lights came on.

I’m grateful for the Mexican style dish that I prepared yesterday. I’m grateful that I can prepare the same dish again today or tomorrow or whenever I want. I’m grateful that I have food and that I can eat well again.

13. I believe I can change the world (or at least my corner of it.)
14. I am important.
15. Today, I will celebrate me.

I think I’m going to be okay, as far as my eBay business goes. I think I am going to figure out how to reliably get the money I need to cover rent and other expenses. I know I can do it and I know that things are going to work out in the end, because I don’t give up and I keep trying new ways of making money and providing service to the Otaku Weebs of the world.

If this doesn’t work out, I’ll figure out some other way to live a meaningful and enjoyable life.


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