Mon Jul 27 2020

4:18AM. I picked and packed eBay orders and now I’m figuring out what I need to have ready to present for therapy this morning at 9AM.

I’m going to start this post with some affirmations, because I’m not feeling particularly motivated to write anything.

13. I believe I can change the world (or at least my corner of it)
14. I am important.
15. Today, I will celebrate me.

Ok then. I wrote some things and those things did not really give me any prompts in anything to write about.

Ok then!

I suppose I’ll just talk about stuff that’s going on in my life. Yesterday I showed up to the tail end of dinner with family. I had no idea they were having dinner. I wouldn’t have known if B. didn’t text me asking about something that he wanted to sell on eBay.

So he had these David Clarke headsets that he wanted to sell. I basically told him I didn’t want to get into consignment in the most non-commitall, half-assed way. I was feeling so co-dependent because of being around my primary shame trigger, my father.

It was impostor Craig saying no in an uncomfortable laughing tone, not confident Chris saying no calmly.

B. then shifted his focus to trying to repair them for his purposes. Wtf? Since I won’t sell them for you, now you want to keep them?

I should have offered to show him how to sell on eBay. It’s so easy peasy!

Well, I shouldn’t say that. When I started selling on eBay, it seemed like an impossible hurdle to learn how to pack and ship things. The software I could figure out, but packing things safely and knowing where to take them was a huge big scary challenge.

I’m worried about my health. No real reason why, other than my appetite being large and me feeling like I overeat. Then there’s the sleeping issues I have, and how I often feel like the food in my stomach prevents me from falling asleep.

I think it’s actually my neck muscles that are causing that problem. I think they’re tight and tense and they trigger my brain to want to swallow. I keep swallowing and my throat tenses up and closes and I feel like I’m suffocating.

The other night I slouched in my chair and pressed my neck back against the round knob-like post on the backrest while I watched an episode of anime. It was incredibly relaxing and I felt my whole body loosening up as a result. I slept really well after that, so I think I’ll try to massage my neck in that manner more often before I go to sleep.

This is just one of the things I’m figuring out on how to have a more balanced life.

That was one of my assignments last week– work on finding balance between work, exercise, and self-care.

So on that note, I would like to review this last week. I think I did better on work balance. I limited how much I worked, and gave myself plenty of off-time in which I could play video games or chat with J.

I didn’t do very good on the social aspect. I suppose I had a couple good days where I sat down with my dad and talked about what’s going on in eachother’s lives.

Then there was family dinner yesterday but I really buttoned up at a certain point and felt panic and shame when my dad asked me if I wanted to go on a hike next Saturday. I was so scared of saying no that I couldn’t answer at all, and I squeamishly left the room at my next opportunity.

Other than those two events, I really had all the time to myself, which is not so good for balance. I can’t say I felt lonely because I kept busy on either work or play, but I’m pretty sure if I paid closer attention to being mindful, I was lonely for a good chunk of the week.

I played Squad quite a bit more than normal. There is quite a bit of social interaction in Squad. I played as Squad leader a few times and I kept my cool and I was proud of those interactions.

There was the incredibly shaming experience of crashing a helicopter in Squad. Haha that was something I can laugh about now, because I worked through it. I’m grateful that I can work through things now, and I don’t simply feel shame about it all the time.

I’m worried about my brother D. I don’t think he gets any exercise, and I think he’s suffering from a similar codependency to my own.

I saw him briefly after dinner time. I don’t think he ate anything, and his legs had a purple hue to them. Maybe it’s poor circulation in his legs? He was hospitalized a few weeks ago due to a kidney stone. I don’t think he has an advocate other than my parents.

I dunno if I’m overreacting, but he seems down quite a bit. I heard he got a job at Wal-Mart. I thought he was working for my dad, but maybe he’s going through a similar thing as I had gone through? Maybe he doesn’t want to work for an oppressive father, and live with that same father? I think he’s got it worse than me because he doesn’t have his own space. He’s under the same roof.

I guess I could reach out. That’s all I can really do. If I do that, I can’t do it to control him or try to set him on a path that I think is good for him. He has to choose a path for himself.

I’m bored. I don’t wanna write. I wanna doom scroll on Hacker News or

I wanna play Squad. Is it play time right now? Or is it work time? 5:14AM. I think it’s sleep time but I’m not tired at all!

Hmm what to do, what to do.

I guess it’s just writing time and that’s all that I should focus on. Write whatever comes to mind, with nothing off limits and nothing censored.

I might quit the auto-scheduling of blog posts. I think I just want to write and not have to worry about future consequences of releasing these posts.

I’ll have to think about that some more. For now, I’m going to continue auto-scheduling.

Today’s plans? I think I will write, meditate (sutra chanting), walk, go to therapy via Zoom (fuck Covy), shower & shave, take a nap (maybe), work, then play.

I might play Squad, but I’ll definitely watch some more Grisaia no Kajitsu. There are some really unexpectedly dark and gruesome scenes in that anime which have been real jaw droppers. It’s so unexpected because on the exterior, I went into this anime thinking it’s just another light-hearted harem anime with a cool headed protaganist.

It’s not that. It’s not an average harem anime in which few things are taken seriously. The characters are complicated people in extraordinary situations. Many are children of tyrannical billionaire parents who are just trying to lead a happy and fulfilling life.

People actually die in this anime and it’s shocking. It’s unexpected because everyone is so cutely portrayed and their character is so relatable in that they just want to have peace in their life and live wholeheartedly and do what they want to do.

That’s my three paragraph review of this anime. I’m completely hooked. Bonus points for the two twintail girls Michiru Matsushima and Chiara Farrell who have stolen my heart. Michiru has an adorable tsundere attitude and a split-personality due to a heart transplant from her best friend. I would choose her over any other girl because it would be like having two girlfriends at the same time, but there’s absolutely no disloyalty involved.

I would choose her just because of how she has twintails and she’s a tsundere. She’s so funny and I want to hug her.

Then there’s Chiara Farrell who has this tiny frame and as the main character notes, “a big butt on that one.”

Chiara’s appearance reminds me the most of Hatsune Miku, which is a huge turn on. Also she’s got this attachment thing to the main character to the point where it gets her in trouble from her boss. There’s something really attractive about being given lots of attention by a cute girl.

Bonerific. That’s what I’m feeling right now as I talk about adorable anime girls with twin tails and charming personalities.

I had an idea for a cosplay.

The cosplay would be me as Kaito, with a small stuffed Miku figurine in a breast pocket of a dead Miku.

It’s basically a cosplay of the song, When I Get Home My Wife Always Pretends To Be Dead. Vocaloid fans would get it! Others might think that I killed Miku or something. I’d just laugh and explain, “she’s not dead, she’s just pretending.”

I think that would be a really great cosplay because it’s simple and I get to be Kaito and imagine that Miku is my wife!

I bet I could find a dead Miku plushie, or someone who would be willing to make me one. Etsy would be the first place I look!

OMG there is a next-level crochet plushie maker on Etsy!

Ok that’s cool and all, but I think I found THE ONE who would do the job the best.

Holy shit this creator is AMAZING.

I’d send this image as a reference to the plushie creator–

So gruesome!

I think some people might actually be disturbed to see such an image of Miku. I would be, if I didn’t first think of the PV it’s from!

Haha ok cool, I have a great cosplay idea for the next in-person anime convention that I go to. It’s looking like 2021 is going to be the year for the return of the anime convention. 2020 is looking pretty shot thanks to the trending fear of disease!

I’m hungry again. I ate a single apple with peanut butter about an hour ago. Yes, peeled and sliced! And yes, organic old-fashioned peanut butter. It’s the only way to eat this snack!

So I’m thinking that two apples is really a minimum for me. Less than two doesn’t satiate me for very long.

I just ate one as an experiment really. I wanted to see if one was enough. Nope.

I think I might have ran this experiment already. I think I wrote about in my blog too..

Ok nope, I searched for “apples” and nothing about eating only one came up. I think I might have wrote about eating 3 or more apples and that was too much, but I don’t think I wrote about eating too little apples until now.

I could be wrong. I only went back as far as Jun 6, but I don’t think I’m wrong. I only started the apple + peanut butter as a meal trend in July.

Oh, I stopped doing giveaways on Twitter. I don’t get meaningful engagement doing those. The last four giveaways, there either was no winner (no entrants) or the winner didn’t get back to me when I asked for their mailing address.

I’m basically going to shift my focus to something else. I’m going to use time I would have spent on giveaways to create my customer rewards system. That’s something that will actually be worthwhile because the people benefiting from it are actual customers who I want to keep happy. My twitter giveaways have gone entirely to strangers who will probably never spend money at my shop.

If I do giveaways in the future, I think I’ll do monthly giveaways of maybe a slightly bigger prize. Perhaps a booster pack rather than a single low-value card. I think I’ll also target past customers, rather than just opening it up to the entire internet where a giveaway botter will be the most likely to win.

Maybe I’ll just randomly send prizes out to past customers. I won’t even require that they enter into a drawing. If they’re active on my customer rewards system, I’ll just send out a random gift every week to a random customer!

I like that. I would like to be a customer at a store that does that sort of thing. I gotta write that down somewhere.

2000 words. I’m out!


had a good therapy session and I just want to take note of my homework for this week–

  • CoDA 30q #16 & #17 (DONE aug 2)
  • RSVP to the NU hike on saturday (DONE)
  • Research Byron Katie’s work on (DONE mon aug 3)
  • Exposure therapy– Go to the Hike on Saturday (DONE sat Aug 1)
  • Research breathing timing on p5 of Shy No Longer module 2 (DONE wed Jul 29)

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