Mon Jul 6 2020

Just had a Zoom call with my therapist. I got some assignments for this week.

  • CoDA 30q #13b
  • Attend a meetup group event
  • Ride the bus with my bicycle
  • Write about my relationship with my dad
  • Go back to the god table and focus on the column of things that I want god to be
  • Meditate on the column of things that I want god to be. Try to feel the loving entity.
  • Work on Shy no longer worksheet

Actually that’s homework for two weeks, because my therapist will be out of town next week.

I don’t wanna work on myself. I wanna avoid the uncomfortable feelings and jump straight into working on my eBay store.

I need to find myself a 3 hole punch at a thrift store. I have so many worksheets from therapy and they just get added to a big messy pile. Or even a one hole punch would suffice. I could use that one hole punch for making hanging bags for my pegboard wall.

Phuck. I don’t feel well. Like I don’t feel well mentally. I didn’t even get into anything heavy during therapy… Or maybe I did. I talked about the time I got assaulted by the kid in Elementary school. I talked about feeling uncomfortable when my dad wiped paint off my leg.

This might be a delayed response to talking about those things. Or it might be that I’m freaking out that I told someone my secrets. That person is gone now, and now I’m left alone. Am I about to be betrayed? Should I have said nothing?

I think I’m physically vulnerable right now. Maybe I need to go for a walk. I walked to the mailbox but that’s really nothing.

I’ll go for a walk in a few minutes. That seems like a really good thing to do right now.

Maybe I’m freaking out about the clutter in my apartment. I can’t even walk to my dresser right now because there’s a large pile of shit that I need to list on eBay.

The pile.

The pile seems to be a constant in my life. There is always a pile of junk in my apartment. It always seems to be there. It’s a pile of stuff that is in limbo. It’s not garbage, but it’s also not useful to me.

I have that pile, and I have two bags of clean laundry that I have not yet put away into my dresser.

I’m freakin’ out, man!

I’m not freakin’ out. I’m keeping it together now that I write down what is bothering me.

Half of the shit in the eBay box should just go into the trash. It’s not worth selling a lot of that shit. I think a bigger focus should be put on getting the thousands of cards I have in boxes on a shelf into bundled listings and put on eBay.

I didn’t have a single sale on Saturday. That’s abnormal and I can’t help but thinking that it had something to do with my removal of all my card singles.

It’s a big jump going from 3000 listings to 6. My idea was to list 30 items a day, but I’m starting to think that that number is not sustainable. I could do it, but I’d get so stressed out that I’d burn out in a few days. I’d never want to see eBay again and I’d probably feel lost again.

I need a hobby. I spent all day yesterday just trying not to work. I failed, finding myself listing product at 12AM.

I felt pretty sad last night. I felt sad that I was alone. I felt sad that god is alone and that god had to create everybody on earth so it could feel not so alone. It could simulate what it feels like to be human and forget what it’s like to be god so it’s not so lonely.

I reminded myself that this life is better than the life of god. I can find peace in being human and peace in relationships. I can die and I might still have experiences. I might respawn as a flower and I can grow and experience what it’s like to have bees eat parts of me.

That sounds terrible.

I don’t even want to have this thought experience right now. I feel like going back to sleep.

I brought in $240 on Friday. That’s fucking stellar! I hope to have another good sales weekend this weekend as well.

I’m thinking that it might be a good idea to take a break from eBay and do some coding. I could start working on my rewards website. Or maybe not the code itself, but just researching the framework that I had in mind.

Or maybe not. I’m kinda thinking that a code break is a good idea. Code and eBay both stress me out. I think a break from both would be the best thing to do.

I need a hobby that doesn’t involve the computer or screens full of bright pixels! I think my weekends would be better if I take part in an analog hobby.

I’m crashin, ya’ll! I think I might have to take a nap. Gonna wait till this pomodoro timer expires.

I like the idea of having a time that I write. I heard an author on JRE talk about writer’s block. He says that writer’s block doesn’t exist. Writers block comes from not sitting down and writing, and that’s not a block, that’s making an excuse.

I forget that author’s name, so I’ll just refer to him as, “He.” He writes for four hours every day. He has a scheduled time to write. It’s not an option to write, it’s just a thing that he does. It’s routine and he thinks to himself, “okay, this is the time that I write.”

I like that mentality. I think I try to do similarly in part thanks to Pomodoro technique. Right now I want to go lay down, but I’m not doing that because I still have 10 minutes left on the clock.

I’m going to do more work later today with the Pomodoro timer ticking. It’s a fantastic way to keep focused.

I’ve been using Spongebob Square Pants characters as inventory locations. I’ve got labelled boxes with printouts of characters. In every listing I put a note at the bottom: “Inventory Location: Sandy Cheeks”

When that item sells, I know exactly what box to pick the item from.

I’ve ran out of characters, so I started using Spongebob episode names. I made a new container for trading card singles which I labelled, “Squeaky Boots.”

Apparently Squeaky Boots is an episode of Spongebob. I’m not really familiar with it, I just grabbed the title from the Spongebob wiki.

I think I made one cent on ad revenue in the past month. That seems pretty terrible. I wonder if it is worth even keeping the ads on my site? I’m starting to think that no, ads don’t make sense. I think if this blog is to be monetized, it will be through corporate sponsorships and affiliate marketing.

Things might change when I start posting my daily blog. I think the authenticity of what I write might strike a chord in reader’s hearts.

Maybe not existing readers. existing readers might be here for technology posts. The shit that I’m going to be publishing starting in 2021 is likely to attract a different audience.

…If any at all. I’m posting such detailed and intimate parts of my life in a world with prevalent Facebook and Twitter usage. I don’t know if what I write will even find an audience.

It might be that my issues are not the kind of thing that people care to read about. I might be screaming into a void. I might be completely ignored.

It’s times like these where I have to stop and re-evaluate why I’m writing.

Why am I writing?

I’m writing because it’s a form of being mindful. I’m mindfully observing my thoughts and expressing them by thinking them and writing the words on my screen.

It’s therapeutic. I think and feel these things, at which point my mind no longer has to carry the thoughts or feelings. They have been thought, they have been felt. They move on and I am relieved of them.

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