Mon Jun 1 2020

vendetta, mask, guy

I didn’t write anything yesterday. I don’t think I’ve gone a single day without writing at least 100 words since the start of this year.

It felt nice to have a day off. I spent a good chunk of time with my family yesterday. I spent a lot of time with my brother M. and D. I felt connected and calm.

B. had been isolating himself from everyone. He hasn’t been on teamspeak and his friends are worrying about him. He hasn’t been responding to my texts. I think there is something bothering him that he isn’t telling to anybody. Not even his wife.

5 trading cards sold this morning, as well as a pack of DVD-R that I got from a thrift store a few months back.

I got invited to a picnic this coming Sunday. I’m pleased to go to it, I just gotta figure out a way to get myself there. I’d like to take a bicycle, but I don’t have a bicycle. I could borrow my mom or dad’s bicycle I suppose. It’ll be a hell of a ride to Manito park where the picnic is planned.

14 miles one way.

Totally doable. I’ve done 30 mile bike rides before. I’d like to be strong enough to be able to ride anywhere in Spokane without an issue.

I’m not trained though. I’ll probably want to take a bus part way. Taking a bus with a bicycle is a difficult thing. I’ve never done that.

I think the bike ride wouldn’t be too much trouble. As I look on the map of directions, I realize that a bicycle can take a much more direct path than a car can. There is a new-ish trail called the Appleway Trail which would be perfect for bike riding.

Riding that trail on rollerblades is simple. Riding on a bicycle would be even moreso because of how efficient bicycles are. Then once that trail ends at University, it’s about 2.5X more distance to the park.

Sounds like an excellent workout, taking that trek, having a meal, resting up, then heading home. Sounds like an excellent activity for a sunday….

That’ll throw off my laundry day. Maybe I could do laundry afterwards? Or maybe I could do that really early sunday?

I still need a bicycle.

IDK what to do about not having a bicycle.

I suppose I should sell my Suburban. It’s time for that. I’ve put it off so many times. I went as far as listing it on Craigslist. I got an interested buyer and I got offended by a low offer so I pulled the listing.

That low offer of $500 is about what I think it’s worth. Unfortunately it’s not in good shape due to the lack of attention I gave it.

Perhaps I could sell it to someone I know? My sister A.’s boyfriend was asking about it several months ago. He has a friend who works on cars and I think that vintage Suburban is somewhat sought after by enthusiasts.

I’ll mention it next time I see him. It would be much less of a hassle if I could offload it without having to play phone tag and meet a bunch of new people who want to rip me off.

I took a nap. Woke up feeling tired. 4:10PM. Loss of appetite.

bleh. It’s a bleh day. I walked 18 laps around the firepit earlier in the day. I was so tired and I couldn’t finish those last two laps.

I bet I’m deficient in something. Vitamin B, perhaps. I’m just so tired! I wanted to go right back to sleep after waking up from this nap.

It’s amazing to think about, but I have a spending problem. I bid on two yahoo auctions via Buyee yesterday. How am I going to pay for those? I don’t even know.

I’m not profitable yet. I’m not even breaking even, and here I am spending money on more product.


Maybe I’ve convinced myself that I gotta spend money to make money. Maybe I’ve convinced myself that I gotta get a flow of product coming every month in order to keep this business working.

I think I’m ignoring the fact that I have large expenses coming up, and this eBay store isn’t going to carry me forward if I don’t have a higher sales volume every day.

I’m going to skip Japanese study today. I’ve skipped something like two days already.


I am going to send a bunch of offers on eBay. I’m going to let some booster boxes go for less than I was expecting.

I was expecting to sell the booster boxes for $100+, which would easily put me in the black for the Buyee lot I’ve dubbed, “XB”.

The XB doesn’t mean anything, it’s just my internal ID.

I’m tempted to apply for software dev work via HackerNews.

Every few months someone starts a thread which asks, “who wants to be hired?”

Developers seeking work add their location, whether they are looking for remote or in-person work, whether they are willing to relocate, as well as providing their contact details.

I could relocate and get an apartment somewhere. It would be a whole new start for me.

I don’t do it because I’m not ready to give up on eBay. I’m seeing a 250.75% return on one of my Buyee lots. That’s not abnormal for most of my lots. I’m seeing so many big percentages like that.

I can’t see those numbers without being incredibly hopeful. I see this working out, so long as I put in the hours every day and list like crazy.

Alright then. It’s June 1. Today is a perfect day to set a new intention. This month, I intend to break the glass ceiling that is my sales. I intend to make a record sales amount for the month of June. I intend for that number to be two thousand dollars.

I intend to have to call the food stamps office in July and tell them that I have exceeded the $1200 montly income limit. I intend to make the transition to self-reliance in this way, by taking on the burden of paying for my groceries.

The numbers are in! Sales of $988.96 in May. It’s a little lower than April’s amount of $1063.04, but nowhere near as low as March’s sales of $640.65! Feels good to beat March’s sales counts, but I’m not satisfied!

Part of making money is lowering expenses. I’ve done good in this area by removing the expense of driving, but I still have an unused vehicle sitting outside. I would like to liquidate said vehicle and move forward in life by acquiring a vehicle I care about and appreciate.

The bicycle I’ve been writing about so often– That’s something I want and need!

Perhaps a pawn shop visit would be in order? Or maybe a bike shop? There’s a problem with either of those… They’re both really far from my house!

I suppose I asked for this. I asked for a reset. I asked for a challenge and a lifestyle that I wanted.

It’s definitely a challenge! I’m not going to back down and go back to my old ways because that would be a death sentence.

I’ll be clear– I’m not thinking that at all. My plan B at this point is to find a PT job somewhere.

When I look at YNAB, I get overwhelmed. My budget is showing -$1,399.19 to be budgeted. That’s over 1K which I’ve spent which was not in the budget. I’ve been a bad budgeter.

I’m thinking a budget refresh would be in order. A fresh start, a clean slate. I can move forward and resolve to entering all desired purchases into YNAB, and I won’t have that -$1K looming over me.

Accident forgiveness!

I’m stiff.

I was thinking that maybe my appetite isn’t lost. Maybe I’m just not hungry. I had a good meal this morning. I ate the vegan apple pie my mom made for me. I ate a bean burrito she prepared for me as well. I ate a handful of dried fruit and several bowls of Crispix.

It’s odd of me to eat breakfast, but I was enticed by the apple pie. It was incredibly delicious! Really restaurant quality.

I left a bunch of my ingredients in my parent’s house. Yesterday at dinner time, I realized that my mom had not prepared any vegan food. I was so disappointed because I had gone most of the day without eating.

I thought I was stuck with salty potato crisps just like the week prior when A. had brought only meat hot dogs.

Yesterday I grabbed some crisps and grudgingly ate them. I decided that I didn’t want any crisps at all. They tear up the roof of my mouth and they’re way too salty.

I went to gather ingredients to make a vegan burrito. I remembered that I had made a shopping error yesterday, and I hadn’t purchased any beans. All I had are dried chickpeas.

I asked my mom if she had any beans so I could make a vegan burrito. She said she forgot to make a vegan main course and started whipping up something. I guess I didn’t pay attention to that fact and I had gathered a bunch of ingredients to make the vegan burrito I had seen on youtube.

I had the ingredients on the table and I froze. My mom was going back and forth heating things up for me, and I didn’t know what I was doing. I felt like I would be in the way using her cutting board to cut limes. I felt like I was the “too many” cook in the kitchen.

I sorta just froze. I anxiously rubbed my fingers together. I didn’t know what to do.

I sat down and just observed what was going on. My mom was mixing refried beans with tomatos and chills and heating up vegetables. She was making enough food for a complete meal for me. I returned my ingredients to my fridge and was soon served with a large bowl of refried beans, lettuce, and vegetables.

I ate until I was full, and ended up with leftovers.

So there really was no need for me to go grab my own ingredients.

There have been so many times in the past where I did need to do so, but was too shy and afraid of offending my mom to do so. Times when the food prepared for me was only mixed bag vegetables, for instance. That’s not enough to keep me going! I need a whole mix of food in sufficient quantity, from carbs to fats to proteins.

Fats especially. I’m learning that fats are vital to my nutritious. So long I’ve gone trying to avoid fats because of the dangers of saturated fats that I hear. It’s the overindulgence that’s dangerous. I’m 6’4″ and thin. I don’t have an overindulgence issue.

I think there’s an effort to inform the obese population of good nutrution. I just don’t fall in that category, but I sometimes hear the messages intended for them. I’m so impressionable, as most people are, and I think I subconsciously take those messages to heart.

“Don’t eat sugar, avoid saturated fat.”

My reality is that I don’t eat much sugar. I don’t enjoy sugar’s flavor and I think high fructose corn syrup’s flavor is repulsive.

I enjoy cane sugar when it is hidden among other flavors. I enjoy it only if I can brush my teeth immediately following. If I can’t do that, my teeth just start hurting and any positive feelings I got from eating the sugar are cancelled out by pain and guilt.

The same thing goes for salt, I’ve discovered. I had an especially salty snack a few weeks ago. I think it was the leftover crumbs from something… Anyway, I put that in my mouth and immediately I felt pain in my teeth. Maybe it’s a cavity, or maybe it’s simply an effect that concentrated salt has on my exposed roots.

I was thinking of writing 4000 words today, because I didn’t write anything yesterday. I kinda think that would be a punishment for me. I’m not looking to punish myself though. I don’t deserve punishment. Writing is something that I am not forcing on myself with the threat that I’ll have to write extra should I miss a day.

Writing is just something I do because I think it’s a positive thing for me. On average, I don’t talk to anybody except myself. Writing is a way I can communicate and sort out my problems with myself.

I’m thinking it might be a nice idea. I’ll write extra today.

So far, I’ve written about what has happened earlier in the day. I wrote about some things that happened yesterday. I haven’t even begun to get into things that are causing me emotional strain.

I had a therapy session this morning. I talked about some things that happened last week which were bothering me. It was nice to talk about things.

I forgot to say thank you to C. I have been writing, K. for the longest time, but today I learned that it’s C., not K.

I felt guilty for not saying, “thanks, C.!” at the end of the Zoom meeting. I meant it, but I didn’t say it.

I did 5 minutes of this

So stiff this morning. I don’t think I did much yoga yesterday. I might not have done any. I feel it today.

Yesterday I walked to the grocery store. Like I said, I forgot the black beans, arguably the most important ingredient in the burrito recipe I was planning on making!

I got some tomato, onion, and fresh cilantro. I wonder if chickpeas would lend themselves to a good burrito? I tend to think that no, chickpeas don’t have a bold enough flavor for such a thing. I cooked some chickpeas this morning. Perhaps I could make a hummus out of them? I could toast some tortillas to make chips for dip!

I feel a little guilty about my shopping experience yesterday. There were a bunch of people showing up at Albertson’s as I was going through the produce section, so I rushed myself to finish shopping and get back on the sidewalk.

I ended up choosing a tomato that is definitely rotten. As I was checking out, I noticed it’s odor and I didn’t do anything about it. It was way too squishy when I picked it up, but I didn’t do anything about it. I had already touched it to pick it up and bag, so I didn’t want to put it down.

I remembered the line from my youth. “You touch it, you take it!”

I felt shame in not taking what I touched, so I simply ignored my own needs and took the rotten tomato.

When I put it that way and reflect, I laugh. ๐Ÿ˜†

The reality is that nobody expects to pay for a rotten tomato. It’s common knowledge that people pick up tomatos and give them a gentle squeeze to see if they are satisfactorily firm.

Without even squeezing, I picked up a tomato that I identified as squishy. I felt shamed about placing it back down, but that shame was unnecessary. I deserve to pay for tomatos which are in good condition. I deserve good produce. I don’t need to feel shame or guilt about that.

In the future, I’m going to put this into practice. I’m going to pick up some veggies, notice they’re spoiled, and I’m going to place that damn veggie back down. It’ll end up in the trash where it belongs. That’s how things work at grocery stores, and that’s okay.

Ooo, I sold a Kasane Teto card to a customer in France! I’m happy to have opened up my products to international shipping, because I’ve been receiving quite a few orders from overseas in recent weeks. I welcome customers from all around the world!

I have some guilt about not getting back to my friend C. T. He has sent me e-mails a few times in recent history and I haven’t responded in good time.

I guess it’s because anything that isn’t work towards my goals is difficult to do. I don’t get paid for sending e-mails. My income comes from this weird social construct that is sending small colorful cardboard cutouts inside sealed packages to strangers by placing them in a steel container where another stranger comes along and takes those sealed packages and them to a building where a bunch of strangers sort those sealed packages and pass them onto an other stranger who repeat the process until eventually those sealed packages end up at a steel box at the stranger’s house who requested that I pass along such a package until it reaches their sealed box.

I’m trying to do what Joe Rogan does, and accurately break down a thing that humans do using uncommon terms.

I like when he does that. Sometimes it makes things seem incredibly ridiculous. I think he had a similar bit about paper cheques, which exposed them for the ridiculous thing they are.

People write checks which go to a store which then go to a bank…

I can’t do it justice. I dunno if it was even Joe who had that bit. IDK if that was even a comedy bit. It might have been Andreas Antonopolous for all I know!

Andreas is equally good at breaking down complex topics and forming them into easily understood abstractions.

I have a Firefox search keyword for wordhippo. I couldn’t think of another word for concepts, so I just typed, “awf concept” in my browser bar, which brought up wordhippo.

I used my brother’s laptop yesterday to show him the SpaceX Dragon / NASA Endeavor launch.

I was definitely not at home using his Google chrome and Google search! I felt like there was a blockage in the gears of my productivity effectiveness.

I wanted to search youtube for SpaceX DM-2. It was my instinct to type, “!yt SpaceX DM-2” in the browser bar, but I knew this was not Firefox and the default search was Google.

Instead, I had to go to, then search for, “:SpaceX DM-2”. Totally not optimal!

I did five more minutes of yoga. When my break timer went off, I immediately got up.

Fuck that.

Just feeling so stiff today!

I bet it’s because I walked 6 miles yesterday. I’m going to go back to Albertson’s on Wednesday and load up on one thing– black beans. I have gone quite awhile with only dried chickpeas, but at this point I’m getting tired of the re hydrating process.

Eh, It’s not so bad. I save money that way. I think my real complaint is that I just don’t have enough food. I don’t have enough potatos or beans on a regular basis.

I’m feeling quite guilty about my rotten vegetable purchase on Sunday. I think I could have made wiser food decisions.

Again I have to laugh at my thoughts as I reflect. I am beating myself up about these mistakes, but I am not recognizing how much I have improved. I have improved tenfold on my eating habits. I no longer rely on Taco Bell to provide me with sustenance. I have a spice rack which I use on a regular basis. I can get a complete meal of rice and spicy vegetable curry for a fraction of what I used to spend.

I actually buy ingredients and make meals from scratch, rather than relying on frozen dinners or ready to eat meals.

When it comes to food, I’ve made incredible improvement in the past year. I’ve dropped my addiction to salty peanut butter pretzels and top ramen. I’ve cut out 90% of my junk food intake. I’ve come to appreciate leafy greens.

Good job, Mr. Chris! You’re doing well. Keep up the good work!

77. My body knows how to get better; I will listen to it and rest when needed.
78 I am stronger than my worries.
79. I am no the only one who struggles; I choose to be kind to everyone I meet.

Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout 5

Getting what you want. A good way to remember this is DEAR MAN:

  • Describe
  • Express
  • Assert
  • Reinforce
  • Mindful
  • Appear Confident
  • Negotiate

This worksheet uses the example of a couple. The partner who prepares dinner Describes the issue of their partner saying they will be home for dinner, but not arriving home until 11PM.

They Express their feelings that when their partner arrives home so late, they start to worry.

They Assert that they would like a call if their partner is going to be late.

They Reinforce with a reward by saying that they would be relived and easier to live with if they receive that call.

They stay Mindful by keeping focus on their goals of being notified of their partner’s tardiness. They maintain their position that they would like a notification. They ignore attacks, and keep on subject. They repeat themselves if necessary.

They Appear confident by using confident voice tone, maintaining eye contact, and standing their ground.

They Negotiate terms, solicit other solutions, or try to solve the problem another way.

This was a nice exercise. I didn’t really write anything from my personal point of view, but that’s okay. I think it’s enough to simply write down what happened in the example to drive the point home and teach myself this technique.

“DEAR MAN” — a strategy for being effective in my personal relationships and getting what I want.

Goddamn, Hatsune Miku’s hair is so amazing.

8:15PM. I made that vegan burrito recipe as seen in the video I posted earlier. WOW. What a fantastic recipe that is! It ended up tasting really yummy even with garbanzo beans as the main bean ingredient.

WOW. I’ll be making that again. I have plenty of leftover beans and pico de gallo and totrtillas so i can have them again tomorrow.

I’m thinking I could make something like that for the picnic next Sunday. Perhaps I could put it in a bowl form which would probably be a lot better for transporting in a backpack.

It took quite awhile to prepare and cook and clean from that meal. I was feeling tired in the head and shakey in the knees. I had to lay down while the food cooked.

There’s one thing I made a mistake on. I cooked the mushrooms and vegetables in oil. That was a mistake because the mushrooms contain a lot of water. As they fried, they released their water and eventually the were in an oily, watery soup which prevented them from drying out completely. They were a little too mushy for optimal texture.

It’s not a bad thing to make a mistake, because I learned from it.

I had this idea as I finished up that it would be a nice thing to be a stay at home dad. I could do eBay stuff, web dev/programming stuff, and make the meals for my beautiful blue haired wife, Miku.


Goddamn, it’s so cringe and hilarious what I say sometimes. I suppose the ideal would be to replace Miku as my love target to a 3d girl as my love target. I could cook for her and make yummy vegan burritos.

But I don’t have that so I jump straight to the dedicated, infinitely attractive, infinitely talented and stunning Hatsune Miku.

Her hair is so perfect. I’ve been staring at that picture of her singing, “mastaaaa~! aaaaaaaaaaaa~!” and I just can’t get tired of it. Props to the artist, whoever they are. It’s such a simple scene but there is obviously a great deal of work which has been done to get to the point where this kawaii chibi never gets old.

I’m actually writing 4000 words today! I am impressed.

I didn’t really get into the feeeeeeling things that I wanted to talk about. Honestly I’m not sure there really is something that I need to talk about. I suppose the most pressing things got in there.

I feel tired a lot. I might always have been tired, but I was just so damn good at suppressing my feelings. All the anger and depression I experienced could simply have been my weak body sending signals to my brain that I’m in pain. That pain could have been manifesting in ways that I could only process as depression.

Now I have so many other tools to help me figure out what I’m feeling. I’m more in touch with my body now than ever.

4000 words! Huzzah.

I’ll just keep getting better and better, until I’m the person I was born to be. Not the person I’m expected to be! Fuck that person.


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