Mon Jun 29 2020

fire, flames, bonfire

10:00AM. Just had a therapy session with my therapist. I don’t think I wrote anything yesterday. I don’t like that I didn’t write anything!

I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I forgive myself.

Yesterday was a busy day full of negotiating deals with customers, doing laundry, going to the grocery store, preparing food for the family dinner, playing board games.

I’m going to write 2000+ words today. I’ve got my pomodoro timer running and I’m focusing on this task until it’s done!

I feel a bit guilty about how I answered a question from my therapist today. We were working on my social anxiety and I was asked about examples of situations that I feel like I can’t bring up my alternate point of view.

Talking about politics with my family was one thing I thought of.

I think that’s a controversial topic for a lot of people. My therapist said she just avoids that topic altogether with her family. I do the same, but sometimes people bring politics up and I just nod my head in agreement, even if I don’t agree.

I’ve been getting better at that. I still have work to do in the area.

My therapist said, “Something tells me you’re more liberal.”

I don’t label myself as liberal. I don’t think I fit into any political group. If anything, I’m libertarian or anarcho-capitalist or voluntaryist or transhumanist.

I take a very ala cart when it comes to political ideologies.

That’s not what I answered with, and I feel guilty about it. Instead of saying something like that, I just responded with,

“I’m more liberal than my parents.”

Which is truthful I guess, but not very accurate.

I suddenly felt boxed in by the label. I suddenly felt like a fraud because I asserted that I had expressed that I was of the liberal movement, when that is not what I feel at all.

It was shame at first. I felt shameful about saying such a thing. But I’ve thought about it a bit more and now I’ve reminded myself that I made a mistake but I am not a mistake.

I can simply take this as a learning experience. I don’t have to correct my political stance with my therapist, that’s not necessary. I simply can go forward and if asked a similar question in the future, I can speak more freely and I can say something like,

“I like strictly voluntary interactions between people. Initiation of force and coercion are wrong, free markets and social contracts are correct.”

I’m having a tough time even imagining myself saying that. To say that makes me feel like I’m compromising our relationship by disagreeing and saying I’m part of this or that camp.

Libertarian is the closest “camp” that I think I’d get grouped into, and suddenly it’s an us vs. them thing.

“Something tells me you’re more liberal.”

“I’ve had friends label me as progressive. In practice I suppose I’m somewhat liberal, but I don’t really pursue that school of thought and I disagree with a lot of things in that area. I steer towards voluntaryism, libertarianism, transhumanism, and anarcho-capitalism.”

I think the labels are what gets me into the weeds. Labels all come prepackaged with people’s preconceived notions.

The whole topic is fucked. Unless we’re going to sit down and talk for 3-4 hours on the topic, I don’t think it’s worth talking about at all.

“Something tells me you’re more liberal.”

“It’s complicated. haha.”

That’s my response now. That’s a response I’m comfortable saying, it’s accurate, and I don’t feel like I’m misrepresenting myself when I say it.

It’s a great way to dismiss the topic and switch to something less controversial.

I can communicate my political beliefs through my actions and way of life. I’m not an eloquent speaker, not comfortable with expressing an unpopular opinion on the matter, so I’d rather not talk about it.

I think that’s perfectly fine. I’m not an activist, I’m not out to convince anybody. I’m just over here doing what suits me.

I’m hungry. I’m gonna fast for awhile longer, though.

Oh my brother D. is thinking of taking part in NaNoWriMo this year! I was excited to hear that from him. I really liked the short story he wrote several years back– The Adventures of Helix.

I have his printed copy somewhere around here. I should probably give it back because I think I was just borrowing it. Actually, I can’t remember how I ended up with it. I might have taken it without permission. I really have no idea!

Today I’m going to focus on implementing the necessary functionality in green-seller to make it rip images from eBay listings and convert them into an image mosaic.

It’s downsizing crunch time! Only today and tomorrow remain in the month of June, after which I’m going to be charged an arm and a leg to have as many active listings as I have.

Unfortunately, eBay is not extending the 50,000 free insertion promotion any further. I thought they might come in clutch with another extension, but that was just a pipe dream.

I’m gonna get to the code after lunch probably.

Technically lunch can be breakfast, and breakfast can be lunch. Amirite?

A break-the-fast (breakfast) happens when eating after a period of abstaining from sustenance.

So dinner could be breakfast, but could breakfast be dinner? I think both apply, although I’m not certain that I am applying English correctly.

I dunno. I’ve descended into hokum!

CoDA 30q — 12b. Boundaries.

Ok so I did the reading. Here is what I gathered about the subject of boundaries.

Boundaries are different for everyone. Boundaries have a lot to do with comfort levels.

It is my job to set my own boundaries. It is my job to communicate my boundaries with other people in my life.

I’m getting triggered by thinking of times when people violated my boundaries and I did nothing about it.

I don’t wanna talk about it– I guess I should talk about it.

There was this time when I was painting walls with my dad. I was filling up a tray of paint and I spilled some paint on my leg. My dad grabbed a rag and started wiping the paint from my leg so he could prevent it from staining my pants. I felt very uncomfortable but I put on a poker face and let him wipe it off my leg.

I wish I would have said, “I got it.” or “quit touching me.”

There was another situation where I was on a ladder painting and I felt very scared. I put on a poker face and went up the ladder while my dad held the ladder. He walked away after a few moments and I was sent into a panic attack. I wish I would have said, “I don’t trust the ladder, please stay and hold the ladder until I finish painting this corner.”

There was a situation in elementary school when another student grabbed me in the balls. I wish I would have punched him in the face rather than simply running away and staying quiet about it.

I wish I would have been sent to the vice principle’s office and I wish I would have been made to sit next to the other student and apologize. I wish I would have had the chance to deny such an apology and instead demand an apology of my own. First an apology from the student for violating my personal space and sexually assaulting me. Second an apology from the school staff for having the audacity to attempt to punish me for defending myself.

I used to reason that this student had a learning disability so it’s not his fault. Even if that was the case, a learning disability not a valid reason to assault me. It’s not my fault for being assaulted. I’m worth more than that and I deserve dignity and respect.

CoDA done! For this week.

I took a 15 minute break from writing and I did some reading of Brené Brown’s THE Gifts of Imperfection.

I read the chapter on Cultivating play & rest. I think I could use work on both parts, but I am pretty good on rest. I’ve always been a nap person. I feel neither shame nor guilt when I takes naps. I’ve felt strongly about the importance of naps for a long time.

I dunno how I’m going to cultivate play. That’s something I struggle with. Video games are hard for me to play because they are physically draining and they feel like a waste of time. Even if it’s a social thing it’s hard.

Hmm.. IDK. More work to do there.

10. I will inhale confidence and exhale doubt.
11. I may be one in 7 billion but I am also one in 7 billion!
12. I am smart.

I’m grateful for this morning I had. I woke up 15 minutes before my alarm feeling rested, and I only had one shipment to take care of.

Not that I only had one order. I had five or six! I just handled packing them up last night because I know I have therapy sessions at 9 on Monday, and I like to do myself a favor by taking care of as many shipments as possible on Sunday evening.

I’m grateful for my foresight, and my willingness to do good deeds towards myself so that I can have frustration-free mornings!

I’m grateful that Discord doesn’t open itself automatically when I log into my computer! I’m grateful that I give myself periods of quiet so that I can focus on what’s important.

I’m grateful for the yoga and meditation that I did this morning before I met with my therapist. I’m grateful that there are so many free resources for meditating and practicing yoga!

I’m grateful for the food I have in my pantry. I’m grateful that I can feel full and that I choose to eat healthy and take care of my body.

I’m grateful for the family camp fire that we had last night. I’m grateful that it rained late enough not to ruin the experience. I’m grateful that we transitioned to the house and had a good time playing Masterpiece.

I think I’m grateful that it rained! It was such a different experience and a different atmosphere when that happened. We all got close when we huddled under my dad’s portable canopy. My dad quickly piled more logs on the fire to prevent it from being drizzled out.

I grabbed another vegan Smart Dog and cooked it above the blazing flames while rain dripped down on my back. A small price to pay for a delicious warm meal!

I’m grateful for my sister A. who purchased vegan hot dogs just for me!

I’m grateful that my side dish– peeled and sliced fuji apples with organic peanut butter, was so well received. My family devoured the plate of apples and commented on it’s exceptionally pleasing flavor!

I was so nervous about preparing that side dish. I was so afraid to do something wrong. I was afraid that I would get them dirty somehow or cause disgust. I was afraid that such a simple side dish would be seen as too basic or not be appreciated.

In the end, I realized that I had nothing to worry about! I prepared the food carefully, and it was well received and appreciated! I can do food preparation again in the future and hope for another good experience!

I took a break and ate some peanut butter and apples! Prepared them just like yesterday– peeled and sliced!

Such an excellent snack. Healthy, nutritious, delicious!

Oh yeah, my sister K. gave me the leftover fruit salad she made. I’m going to mix that with oatmeal later on. I’m grateful for her kind gesture to share food with me!

I’m going to be wrapping up writing for the day. I’m going to spend a few minutes updating old blog posts which need tags, and then I’m going to check e-mail and transition into Sakura Blossom Trading Post work.

It’s Social Media Monday! I’m going to go through my shop and find some juicy good cards to promote on Twitter. I’ll generate affiliate links to the eBay listing, then queue up the tweets for the upcoming week.

I found an IFTTT applet which automatically sends my Twitter posts to my Facebook page. It makes my Facebook page look like I actually visit it!

I’ll probably do more with Facebook down the line. Right now I’m just piping those Twitter posts to FB.

I noticed that my Tweets contain a lot of links, and that looks kinda spammy. I think what I’m going to try this week is to schedule more tweets more often, each with fewer links and fewer images. I think it’ll be more aesthetically pleasing and less like junkmail.

Alright then. Excelsior!

Looking for VOCALOID trading cards?

Check out Sakura Blossom Trading Post