I’m still bothered by the text my mom sent me yesterday. I think I want to respond to her, and tell her how I feel. I don’t want to lash out and attack using words similar to those I used in my journal yesterday. I think I want to stay on my side of the street, explain my story, and nothing else.
I don’t appreciate the text I received from you yesterday. When I read it, I was not uplifted or inspired or happy. The words I read brought up my past trauma of being violently forced to go to church. I started sweating. I got a dump of adrenaline in response to the idea that I was about to be physically attacked. I couldn’t hold still, and I starting thinking thoughts like, “Mom is going to send dad to beat me. Mom hates me. Mom is mad at me. Mom is going to kick me out.”
It took me hours to quell my panic. I was afraid to go outside because I thought I might see you or dad.
Your words were completely out of the blue to me. I can’t help but think that I did something to make you mad, but again it was out of the blue so I have no idea what I did to make you mad.
I don’t appreciate the commanding, “you statements” in your message. I would appreciate hearing experience, strength, and joy from an equal person, but that’s not what I was hearing. I was hearing commandments from an authority, and that makes me want to discard those words as deranged and get away.
I am left guessing as to why you send me this text, which leads me to believe that maybe it was in response to my sharing with you my spiritual beliefs.
I told you in confidence that I am practicing Buddhism. It was not easy for me to tell you that, but I decided to be vulnerable with you and let you know.
I am regretting my decision to be honest with you. In this moment it feels like your love is conditional. I feel betrayed and my beliefs ignored after finally communicating to you. I don’t think I am going to consider you a safe person to talk to in the future.
It is clear that we have a difference of opinion. That’s okay– that’s what makes us individuals. I’m not out to convince you to change your beliefs because I respect you.
I want mutual respect, but I don’t feel that when it comes to the subject of religion. I think this might be a subject that is off limits for me to talk about from now on.
I don’t want advice. I want to be trusted to figure it out for myself.
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