Mon May 25 2020

russia, statue, bronze horseman

I shipped two cards this morning, a usb drive lot, and a broken charger for a FRS radio. Next I walked to Albertson’s and got some groceries and toilet paper. I paid for the groceries using my EBT SNAP card. I paid for the toilet paper using some cash I had forgotten I had in my wallet. I think it might have been cash given to me for my birthday.

Lots more people were out today as compared to how it’s been the last several weeks. I exchanged a bunch of awkward hand waves and head nods.

It wasn’t like last time I went walking where every friendly gesture became easier. Each one was the same difficulty and triggered my anxiety the same way. I think I know why. As I see the other person approaching me, I start to convince myself that I have to act a certain way. I have to smile. I have to make eye contact and do my best to please them.

My thinking is just not accurate. I don’t have to do a single thing. I don’t have to pretend to be happy. I don’t have to wave the same way they do. I don’t have to stop and make conversation. I don’t even have to act friendly.

If I’m feeling in a shitty mood, it’s okay if that shows on my face. It’s not my job to make everyone feel comfortable and at ease. I’m literally walking so I can feed myself and stay alive. I don’t owe anything to anyone and I don’t have to pretend to care.

The other person and I are crossing paths for a moment, and that’s going to be the entirety of our relationship. A few seconds later I’ll likely be far away from them and there.

Such a strange thing to be afraid of. Simply getting looked in the face is enough to make my heart race. I can’t look back. I look to the ground, the top of nearest power pole, the street in the opposite direction… Anywhere but in those gazing eyes.

I know I’m not alone. I sense discomfort in many other people when I walk near them. One guy crossed to the other side of the street when he saw me approaching.

These feelings of social contact are exacerbated by COVID-19. People wearing masks in the grocery store don’t want to get close. Everybody keeps their distance.

Luckily this covy shit is lessening. I think more and more people are starting to realize that the lockdowns and social distancing were an overreaction. The solution is to be healthy and build a strong immune system, not destroy the economy and generally weaken immune systems by subjecting it to as little pathogens as possible.

Goddamn, I feel like I’m just regurgitating whatever I hear on the internet. I feel like my capacity to think for myself is either diminished or completely lost.

Free will? Does it even exist? I’m not so sure it does. I think I’m just a complex chemical soup which reacts to external stimuli. But at least it feels like I have free will. I act as if I have free will. That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

8 minutes until I take a break. I’m gonna start some curry and get out the ice cream. I feel like rewarding myself for having a challenging walk this morning.

Today’s goals are to spend 4 hours working on eBay. I’m going to make as many multi packs as I can. I’m going to restock the KAITO husbando pack that I sold a few days ago. I might make some multipacks that are completely random cards from different sets. I’m hesitant to do that actually. I think instead what I’ll do is I’ll make some multipacks using Weiss Schwarz cards.

The trend I have been pursuing as of late is to list individual cards with a quantity of 1. If those cards sell, they become permanently out of stock. This makes buying now an important strategy for interested buyers, because that card may never come back in stock!

I might have more of that same card, but it goes into a non-inventory box I call the reserves box. The reserves box contains sorted cards which I can later list, or combine together to create multi-packs.

I have a bunch of Weiss Schwarz cards which are listed for sale in high available quantities. I gotta fix that, and create artificial scarcity like that of the diamond market!

I’ll plop those extra cards into the reserve box, where I can create more multi packs or later use them to restock sold singles.

This technique is working alright so far! I think I’ve only sold one multipack, but that’s a sale that I might not have had otherwise. Some people aren’t interested in a single card of their favorite character. They want more mystery, more surprise, more cards! So that’s where my multipacks really shine.

I’ve been thinking of taking a job at the Spokesman Review. They have a listing for a packaging assistant. It’s someone who bundles the papers up in preparation for the paper delivery people. The problem is my lack of transportation. It’s like a 5 mile walk to the office. I really need a bike for that!

Ok then. Food’s on the stove. I did a little taste test as I always do, and this batch is tasting rather excellent! Let’s see if that flavor improves during the cooking process.

I was talking to my mom a week or two ago. I was telling her about the curry I make most often. She asked a few questions about the recipe when it occurred to me that what I’m calling curry contains no curry at all!

I used to have curry powder which I would sprinkle into my recipes. I haven’t restocked that powder since I ran out, and I continued making the meal just with the other spices I had. I use a coconut milk base, add some tomato sauce, then sprinkle in all sorts of spices.

Today’s batch contains garbanzo beans, russet potatos, carrots, broccoli, and fresh red pepper. I’m sure it will turn into a delightful meal!

I almost wish I had two instant pots. If I did, I could cook rice and the curry simultaneously.

It’s alright though, I’ve got coconut ice cream to hold me over for the hour and a half that it’ll take to cook the meal.

I was reading last night about being vegan in Japan. Apparently there aren’t a whole lot of choices for eating out. I was surprised to learn of this because I know that traditionally, Japanese ate primarily vegetables and fish. It’s the fish thing that is the gotcha for vegans. There are loads of seasonings which contain fish.

I found a website which has little print-out cards with food requirements which can be used when ordering food in Japan. There are cards for vegetarian, pescetarian, gluten free, vegan, etc. etc. etc.

Printable cards for communicating dietary restrictions in Japan

I also learned about I think of it like a Yelp for vegetarians/vegans. I think it’s the first time I’ve been to their website but I was really impressed. I’m definitely using this website when I travel in the future.

It’s got worldwide information, quality reviews and photos… It’s got all sorts of filters for food restrictions. It shows if the place is 100% vegan or just has vegan options. Really good data here.

This is a place I want to go!

It’s right near Akihabara station. Akihabara is the weeb section of Tokyo where I would want to spend all my time if I visited.

They have a fried bread set which looks incredible.


I’d also want to find a vegan ramen. I think by far my favorite vegan meal so far has been vegan ramen in San Francisco.

I think the place was called Dashi. I think they’ve permanently closed in SF since I was there.

Well it’s a new week so I’m starting a new thing in my journal. Wait, I started it the other day. Instead of CoDA I’m working on my next assignment which is to work on DBT stuff.

4 horseman of relationships. That sort of thing.

Strategies to reduce or eliminate these horsemen in my life to benefit me and my relationships.

As far as reducing the horseman of “not communicating,” I think one strat is to practice talking. Practice it even if nobody is around. Speak in the way that I would want to speak as if there are people around. Read books aloud. Express my thoughts aloud to myself.

Dishonesty horseman? IDK what I’m dishonest about. I think maybe I chose dishonesty because I have a tendency to try to people please. I adapt my opinions to what the person I’m talking to would want. I think the strat to reduce or eliminate the dishonesty horseman is to practice being my authentic self.

Practice breathing and staying calm when I’m in social settings. Remind myself with positive affirmations that my genuine opinion matters. Remind myself that it’s okay to be different. Remind myself that I am not having conversations to try to control the person. I’m having conversations to get to know the person and figure out how they think and what their struggles and goals are in life. I’m having conversations to have a shared experience that can be interesting and fun.

Credit card debt horseman. The way to reduce and eliminate that horseman is to not get into debt in the first place. The way to do that is to use my budgeting software religiously. When I want to buy something, I don’t just buy it. Instead, I can create a category in breathing,ca to save money and be able to plan ahead and budget for that thing I want in a way that doesn’t summon the credit card debt horseman.

Compulsive or addictive behaviors horseman. Planning ahead is the best way. Planning ahead and scheduling time on the computer. Planning ahead and planning to shut off the computer when it’s bed time. Planning ahead and putting a system in place which gets me off the computer even if I’m having a good time.

Planning ahead and communicating with my friends that I have to get off at a certain time. Being okay with abrupt exits from Teamspeak if I am having trouble disconnecting. As a last resort or during times when I’m physically vulnerable and feeling myself shut down and incapable of making rational choices, I can always DC and text my friends with the reason.

61. I will allow myself to forgive; It will allow me to move beyond the pain, to a place of peace.
62. I choose to make today amazing.
63. I choose to let the past go and move on to the future.

I’m grateful for spinach. Apparently leafy greens are a good source of vitamin D. My SNAP benefits don’t cover supplements, so I’m trying to get more dark leafy greens in my diet, more sun, and hopefully that way I can get vitamin D in my body.

I’m grateful for salt and sugar. If I could only have one, I think I’d choose salt. I’m grateful that I get both!

I’m grateful for friendly people. I’m grateful the the friendly people outside who smiled and waved.

I’m grateful for I’m going to set up an account so I can review restaurants. It’s funny to see that there are only two 100% vegan restaurants in Spokane. There’s Allie’s Vegan Pizzeria (highly recommended!) and Rüt (pronounced, “root”.) I haven’t been to Rüt but their food looks amazing! If I have the funds and a chance, I would like to eat there.

I’m going to start calling my curry something else. It’s not really soup because there isn’t a whole lot of liquid left over after steaming for 45 minutes.

IDK what to call it. Stew? No, again, not enough liquid. Vegetables? Rice & vegetables? But there’s definitely a roux or whatever so it’s more like seasoned vegetables which I serve with rice.

Not roux. I looked it up. Roux is a mixture of flour and fat. I don’t use flour in this recipe.

IDK what to call it! Curry is the easiest thing to call it, but that’s not what it is anymore. It’s really just seasoned vegetables on rice! IDK what to call that.

More research is needed.


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