Mon May 4 2020

person, walking, silhouette

I made an emotional decision and I payed $230 for DHL shipping so I can get my trading cards from Buyee. Apparently the package is oversized for EMS so even if I wait for Japan Post to resume shipments to the US, I wouldn’t be able to choose the budget EMS.

I was really angry this morning. I planned on walking to Albertson’s first thing, but I couldn’t find my mask and I was getting really frustrated. I remember putting it up in my hat box last week after last week’s trip to Albertsons. It didn’t have a spot so I just shoved it in with the hats. It wasn’t in that box today, and I think I might have moved it because it didn’t have it’s own place and it should have it’s own place. Or maybe it fell onto the floor or in a dresser drawer. I went through every drawer item by item and couldn’t find it.

I spent a good half hour looking, and became increasingly frustrated.

I should have given it a place.

Eventually I just decided to make a new mask using my sewing machine. I wasn’t happy about it. To make matters worse, I had popped a vegan multivitamin earlier. These multivitamins have a lot more B12 than I’m used to taking in a day, and I was starting to overflow with the energy it gave me. Dark energy. I was already frustrated at not putting my mask where I could find it, and this pill was giving me more energy than I was using.

I should have been halfway to Alberton’s by now!

The whole point of popping that pill was so I could have energy to walk. But here I was, stuck at home because of the stupid practice of needing a mask to go grocery shopping. My mask was missing, so I couldn’t head to the store.

I got out my sewing machine and looked for a tutorial video on youtube. I was frustrated at the video selection, not finding a single one in the top 10 videos with an actual voiceover. Instead of a voiceover, I got shitty music and on-screen text descriptions. That’s not a good way to make a video! I want help from a person with a voice! But I wasn’t finding one.

I settled for a shitty music video which had confusing instructions. I was angry and impatient, and not able to follow the instructions properly. My machine was giving me problems and I just snapped. I threw the mask away even though I was one or two steps from completion. I angrily kicked my garbage can, threw the misbehaving thread spool, shut off my machine and ferociously stored it away.

I tried to reason with myself as I cleaned up the garbage can. I knew there was only one way to calm down– get the multivitamin out of my system through exercise. I grabbed a bandana and walked to Albertsons. I walked at a brisk pace and didn’t stop for anything. I ran across the street at intersections instead of patiently waiting for a large opening. I blew past a traffic flagger who was managing traffic for a crew clearing tree branches. In hindsight, I think they might have wanted to stop me until a stream of cars had past, but I didn’t care. I was walking fast and walking was all I cared about.

I was avoiding my problems, perhaps. I had an uncomfortable conversation with A. last night which was like all the conversations between she and I. I told her I didn’t want to talk to her anymore and she was doing everything she could to prevent me from doing so. I told her that I want sex and that I’m not getting it from her. She took it pretty hard and she thought I was treating her like a piece of meat. I wasn’t even going to tell her that at first. I said that I wasn’t getting out of our relationship what I want in a relationship. She asked the question, “what do you want in a relationship?” and I decided to be honest and just tell her.

We were friends for several years. It was all fine and good for the time, but friendships come and go. I changed, and I no longer find her interesting. That’s probably what I should have said, but I didn’t think to say that until after I had told her what my goals are.

  • The freedom to be myself
  • stress level zero
  • sex

A. argued that I can still be friends while looking elsewhere for sex. I thought about that since our conversation, and I have to disagree. I’m an all-in kind of guy. I can’t have a friendly relationship with a cute girl (A.) and be looking elsewhere for a romantic relationship. I’d be half assing both relationships at that point and that’s not fair to any party.

I can’t have a friendly relationship with a cute girl, and maintain a friend relationship. I don’t get enough out of a platonic relationship to be worth my time.

Here’s how I see it. I can be alone and not have sex, or I can have a friend girl and not have sex. Why would I want a friend girl who is difficult to relate to, difficult to be myself with, not fun to play video games with, a distraction, a time sinkhole, overly sensitive about shit, and naggy?

No sex but at peace? Or no sex and annoyed? I’ll pick the first option where I’m without sex but at peace.

Apparently she was getting something out of our platonic relationship. Someone to share news articles with? A feeling of security? A feeling of control? I don’t know. Whatever it was, it wasn’t mutual, and I’m out.

I figured I might just have to become the bad guy to get out of this platonic relationship. I did say I wanted sex and I wasn’t getting it from her, which is kind of a dick thing to say. But I’m being honest now. I have always wanted sex from her. At some point, I realized it wasn’t an option and I tucked my tail between my legs and just continued being friends. I always wanted sex from her, but I wasn’t being honest with myself about it. I figured that I just have to be a good guy and forget about it. I have to be a good decent human being and be a friend, because that’s what I’m supposed to be.

Thanks to Brene Brown, Joe Rogan, CoDA, DBT therapy, Prometheus Rising, individual therapy.. I have a different mindset now. Forget the person I’m supposed to be. I’m going to be who I am now. I’m a man and I have sexual needs. I am not going to waste my time and energy with a relationship that is going nowhere, with a girl that I’m no longer interested in. If I’m spending a shit ton time with a girl, it’s because I want to get in her pants. I’m not playing a white knight good boy anymore. I want something and I’m going to get it. I’m a human; an animal with pants. It’s okay to want sex, it’s okay to seek sex, it’s okay to be alive and want to level up in life. I’m not sorry to be who I am, I’m not wasting my time with people who make me feel like I’m a bad person for having a sex drive.

I changed, and I’m not interested in being friends with A. anymore.

Sayonara, A.

Resentment. I feel resentment for staying in that relationship with A. for so long. But it’s over now. I can move on now.

So yeah, I was supercharged with energy during this trip to the grocery store. Partially because I was avoiding having to think about A. and becoming a bad guy. Partially due to my anger of not finding my mask. Partially due to having taken an unnecessary energy pill.

I’m on fire! The 6 mile round trip was easier today than it has been before.

My mom said I was free to use any bike in the garage, but I declined. I know what I would do if I took her up on that offer. I would use the bike until it breaks, then I’d leave it in the garage in a broken state. That’s the kind of guy I am. I don’t want to be rude to my mom for her offer, so I’m just not going to allow myself to use the bicycles.

I have a plan to get my own bicycle. I have a plan to maintain it, and a plan to continue making profits so I can eventually afford to buy a car.

I’m essentially starting over in the game of life. I used to drive, but that was because I had a job. I’m starting over on my own dime. I’m not accepting handouts from family because I fall into traps when I do. I fall into the trap of feeling helpless. I’m not helpless. I’m strong and capable of more than anybody knows. I’m capable of supporting myself and levelling up in life. I don’t need financial assistance, I don’t need loaner vehicles, I just need love and hugs.

I’m starting over on my own dime. I gotta go through hard times to figure this shit out for myself. I’ll be a better person on the other side of these hard times.

So today is a great day. I’m feeling energetic and healthy. I have plenty of food and shelter, for which I am grateful.

Energy. I think I have more of that, now that I’ve made the decision to increase my daily exercise. I think it will be a net good, but I do have to address something that is new in all this. I think I’m going to be angry more often, because of the extra energy that my body is producing. I think this is a good time to find a book on anger management. Perhaps I can bring this up in my next therapy session. I do find it easier to tell people off when I feel this way. I think I’m more honest, but it’s going to take some practice to ensure that I am not brutally honest.

I think I will find that being my authentic self becomes easier. I don’t want to be a dick though, and I think I’m leaning toward being a dick right now. I think it’ll take some time for me to find the middle way in all of this, the way to go with moderation and compassion.

Today I plan on listing a bunch of trading cards on eBay. Yesterday, I created my first bulk listing of P-Memories cards. 8 random Hidamari Sketch cards for $14.99.

This is a pilot experiment for me, because eventually I’m going to lose the 50,000 free listings per month that eBay is promoting during COVID-19 right now. I’m going to have to take down a bunch of individual card listings so I can save money, and instead offer multipacks.

I think people like surprises. There’s a good example of this from BigNCollectibles on eBay. He sells 50 card lots of Weiss Schwarz and he’s made over 100 sales of these. Completely random cards. They probably don’t even have double rares in there, but people buy that shit up! I’ve even thought of buying a 50 card pack of Hatsune Miku cards from him on several occasions! It’s not like it’s a rip off. It’s actually a decent deal, even if they are common and uncommon cards.

Ok, well, it’s 26 cents a card at that price. That’s not a good deal, but it sure is convenient, and people pay for convenience!

Factoring in shipping, it’s not like BigNCollectibles is getting rich off of these. I’m sure it’s just a trickle of income, but with the amount of listings BigNCollectibles has, and his feedback number, I’d like to think that he’s making a living.

So I made the emotional decision to bite the bullet and spend $$$ to get DHL shipping. The alternative was 60 day shipping, and there’s no way I have enough inventory to keep myself busy for that long. I gotta get that inventory in and start flipping them!

I sold a JoJo’s Bizarre adventure trial deck today. The customer sent an offer for $25 and I contered with $28. They ended up just paying full price of $32. What’s the deal with that? I’m a bit confused. Maybe they shopped around and looked at prices and realized that I have the best deal in the USA for the Japanese edition and just decided to pay full price? Maybe they accidentally declined my counteroffer but they were in a hurry and they wanted to get same day shipping before the 8:30AM cutoff? I dunno. Maybe they’re going to scam me. I can only hope for the best!

So yeah, sales are good right now. I had 13 card sales last week. That’s a record. I probably have the federal government stimulus check to thank for this. It might be temporary. We might have an upcoming crash in a few months. I do have to prepare for that possibility. I guess my contingency plan is to get a PT job if it comes to that. I’m going to HODL the product for 3+ years if I have to, and make my return at a later date. That’s rule #1 in investing– never lose money!

I think I lost some money on a Nerf gun that I sold today. I didn’t charge enough money for shipping. I probably lost about $1.50 on it. I think I can consider that Nerf gun as part of the overall Nerf gun investment I made a back at the start of the year. Once I sell them all, I’ll probably make a profit. Individually I lost money on that one because of it’s size and weight, but that was the biggest nerf gun. The other ones are Nerf Maveriks. Solid nerf blasters, those! Those weigh less so won’t cost as much to ship. I think it’ll take awhile for them to sell, since I don’t have the lowest price. That’s okay though, I’m playing the long game.

I got inspired by a house with a Marines flag flown out front. That house is impeccable. I pass it every time I go to Alberton’s. It’s got a perfect lawn, a perfect driveway, perfect car… There’s something about Marine’s houses. I see this a lot. My next door neighbor is a marine, he’s the same way. There’s another down the street, same way.

I think there’s some motto in Marine culture about preferring action over non-action. I can’t find a quote about it online, but I remember hearing something like that from a guest on Joe Rogan. I think action is just built into the mindset of Marines, which results in exceptional individuals. That exceptional individual maintains an exceptional property!

I guess you could say I got inspired. That property didn’t make itself look that good. That property didn’t buy itself. That property looks that way because the owner takes action.

I could wait and see what happens with Japan Post. I could wait and see if I could get a better deal once flights resume. I could do nothing, or I could take action. I took action, and I shelled out the cash for DHL. That raises my cost basis, but I figure that this is the cost of doing business. I’m entering a new realm here, one of sealed product.

So far I’ve been primarily dealing in card singles, and it’s been alright. It’s been pretty fantastic in some cases. Growing my business is going to take a lot of action, hard work, and dedication. Even if this turns out to be a costly mistake, I’m going to learn from it and improve. I’m acting and I’m doing my best at this point.

Chris’s workspace, April 20 2020

Check out my workspace. I like to document this thing every now and again. It’s a mess and dusty and disorganized but it’s what I’m working with right now. In the future I hope to look back on this and get a giggle.

That picture is from exactly two weeks ago. As you can see from the on-screen content, I was listing Weiss Schwarz cards at that point, while listening to Our Ludacris Future podcast. I just got into that podcast, and I’m enjoying it. I already enjoy Tim Dodd’s videos quite a lot, so this podcast which talks about SpaceX and Tesla is right up my alley.

There’s a P-Memories Hatsune Miku Part 2 trial deck in that shot. I was planning on opening that and adding the cards to my collection, but shit’s changed. I can’t afford to be a collector right now. Right now, everything must go! I’m selling everything, even my most prized Miku cards. I hope to collect in the future, but right now I have to focus on growing my business.

Alright, that’s it for today!

I’m grateful for podcasts which keep me company while I work.

I’m grateful for long, difficult walks which strengthen my body.

I’m grateful for my customers who accept my goods and give me cash.

1. I love myself.
2. The world has a need for me.
3. I am unique.

Looking for VOCALOID trading cards?

Check out Sakura Blossom Trading Post