Mon Nov 2 2020

I didn’t write during the past two days, and that’s okay.

It’s national writing month! I’m thinking that I am not going to write another novel this year. I think I have my hands full with work at the moment, and I’m not going to be able to squeeze in the 1-3 hours per day that it would require to get those 50,000 words in.

Well hey, I could try and do 50,000 words in my journal. That would both satisfy my emotional need to journal, and satisfy the writing challenge!

Well IDK. I want to write, that’s for sure, but I only want to write for 1 hour a day. I remember when I wrote St. Ezreal’s School of Espers, I spent 3 hours writing on some days.

I’m doing that thing that I do where I say the same thing more than once, but say it differently each time. Bad dog!

Hey, I’m not a doggo!

I have made $13.55 via ebay partner network. I can’t get access to those funds until I submit a W9 taxation form. So I did that just now, but eBay’s form filling software is jenk and now I am presented with a nice white screen that neither confirms nor rejects my form submission. No information at all. Super cool! /sarcasm

So FeFe revealed her live2d model last night. What a trainwreck of a stream that was. Firstly, she had some glaring sound issue which made everything sound like a robot voice. People in chat were saying it was a bitrate mismatch between OBS and the sound device.

I was thinking that FeFe was going to use her voice to talk, but she was muted for as long as I cared to watch.

I was so confused. I was expecting a, “hello! this is my new model” etc. etc. but that’s not what it was at all. It was FeFe standing there with shitty audio from the youtube videos while we watched her mouth moving but no sound coming out of her vocal chords.

She wasn’t addressing her audience other than the occasional close up shots of her face. Did she expect everyone to just read her mind? I was really frustrated that she wasn’t communicating with her audience in a meaningful way and I had the urge to correct her somehow.

But then I remembered my work in therapy and that I can’t change people. I can’t change people and to attempt to do so is undesirable. For me to try and change someone for my own benefit is a complete a dick move, and something that will most definitely gain me disconnection rather than connection.

In this case, I wanted to tell FeFe all the things that a stream should have. Things like distortion free audio with clear vocals. A clear intention as stated in the stream title or an audible update from the host.

All the things that I wanted out of a stream are things that I desire in order for me to be comfortable. It’s all about my comfort and I had no regard for other people’s comfort.

I was shocked that FeFe didn’t end the stream, fix the problems, and come back later. Again, I can’t mind read, and FeFe was just standing there, but it felt like FeFe was ignoring the problem.

Realistically, technical issue shit is going to happen. It’s not my problem to fix. I literally cannot do anything to fix the problem, as it’s something on the streamer’s end, not mine.

If I get frustrated about technical issues that a streamer is experiencing, all I can do is leave. It’s what I want to do. My time is valuable, after all. There are other streams I can watch, there are other things I can do.

I’m going to give FeFe a second chance. In my book, she fucked up her first stream. It’s a flop. I’m going to let it go, and come back at a later date.

Her first stream should have been ended when the problems weren’t fixed within 5 minutes.

I’m using “shoulding and musting” thinking strategy which is NOT HELPFUL.

What is helpful?

Patience and love, probably. I was patient in that I didn’t comment any of the negativity that I was feeling in the moment. I was loving in that I realized that FeFe is experiencing technical troubles, as could anybody, and that she deserves respect.

I’m still writing all this shit though. I’m not being respectful in my thoughts of her right now.

Well, this is my fucking journal. I can write the shit garbage that’s in my head right now, offloading it, so it doesn’t spill out when I’m sharing time with people.

I ate breakfast. Also got a text from my brother M. who said CVHS students are protesting the stay at home order. They want to to go to school and have a good educational and social environment.

I didn’t reply. There is a whole, in-depth conversation to be had on the topic which is full of nuance and intricacies. I don’t want to have that conversation via text which is going to take hours or days.

I totes think that the covid response was an overreaction. It’s not some deadly disease that kills a huge percentage of everyone who gets it. It’s a weak-ass disease that is readily killed by healthy people’s immune systems.

The current trend of being so hyper vigilant about limiting the distance my exhalations are travelling (wearing a mask) is one that could keep up for years. I read that this “pandemic” could continue for as long as 10 years if we are to continue with the idea that covid is something we need to beat by limiting it’s spread.

Meanwhile, as people stay isolated and avoid contact, immune systems are going to weaken because they are no longer being attacked.

I felt pretty shitty after riding the bus and going to the mall on Saturday, and I think that’s what was going on– My immune system has not had to do as much work.

Fuck, now I want to reply to that group text with my opinion.

I’m going to resist the urge. I think M. was looking for some confirmation to his bias. I think A. and J. are witholding their opinions, waiting for someone else, perhaps more dominant, to make their opinion known. Then, they would be free to say what they think, but only if it agrees with the dominant person.

This conversation is pointless. It isn’t going to spark some positive action, it’s just a conversation to vent or get an affirmation from the group. It’s like we’re in a spectator sport and we’re just commenting on shit from a distance.

No, this is too easy. It’s low-hanging fruit. I will participate in a challenging conversation where my opinion directly counters the prevailing sentiment. I want to practice that conversation while maintaining a sense of gentlemanly respect.

Also it needs to be a voice conversation. Text is too easy. I can “win” a text conversation 100% of the time. Too easy.

Related to the topic, here’s what I think though. I’ve written about this a bit already, but here’s the update.

The fear of covid-19 is more dangerous than the danger of covid-19. The covid-19 lockdowns and school closures were an overreaction and a mistake. Government may have realized this already, but it’s slow to act. Because of beaurocracy, the rules of government lag behind the will of the people. For example, all the social distancing protocols enacted for schools are just now starting to take effect, but they’re protocols invented during a time when the virus was poorly understood. It will take awhile for the updated information to make it’s way into the rules.

Social distancing is not the correct approach. Social distancing means everybody ends up with a weakened immune system. Lockdowns means an increase in depression, obesity, and economic distress. We can’t just stop being social creatures because there’s a weak-ass virus going around. (Imagine if we did a lockdown every year during flu season.) The correct approach is to strengthen everybody’s immune system.

  • Healthy diet
  • Exercise
  • Vitamin D
  • Vitamin C
  • Zinc

That’s it for today. Time to code and do ebay stuff.

79. I am not the only one who struggles; I choose to be kind to everyone I meet.
80. Yesterday was a bad day, not a bad life. Today will be better.
81. I am braver than I feel.

I’m grateful for top loader card protectors because they help me ship product. I’m also greatful for alternatives to those protectors, such as paper envelopes and cardboard!

I’m grateful for wordpress and how I can journal and shit

I’m grateful for soymilk because it’s yummy and goes good with oatmeal

I’m grateful for my friends and for Nerds United. I had a great time at Nerds United over the weekend. Holy shit I didn’t write about that at all!

Ok let me quickly write about NU SPOOKane edition. I walked to the bus stop (45 minutes) rode the bus (felt like 2+ hours) and arrived at Northtown Mall at around 2PM. I think I took the wrong bus. I planned to get off at Mirabeau Park & Ride and switch busses, but I didn’t because the bus stopped for like 2 seconds and we were gone before I thought about it.

Anyway, I got there just fine. It just took awhile, and next time I will plan a little better on the bus routes so I don’t run into that trouble.

Oh yeah, at SCC I was slow to react to the bus that I wanted to get on (route 33 I think) and it was pulling away right as I got off route 97 bus. I could have caught that bus if I waved, but I was slow to react. Luckily the next bus arrived in about 15 minutes so it wasn’t a big deal.

I got to see my friends and it was fun.

We played Harry Potter Uno and Exploding Kittens. I had fasted all day, and brought with me a sugar free Red Bull. Note to self, ALWAYS DO THAT! I worked really well. I felt good and strong and didn’t have to deal with stupid poop that always seems to want to get out of my body right when I get to events.

So yeah, the sugar free Red Bull kept my mind alert, and my stomach didn’t have to take away from the fun as it usually seems to do.

I packed 2 servings of oatmeal, which was great to have on hand. I ate half of it at the mall, and the other half I didn’t eat till I got home.

10/10 will do again! The bus ride was boring, but it made everything about that day extra special!

Excelsior and Opportunity!!1

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