Mon Oct 19 2020

I want to make a song today. Here are my lyrics

Spooky Halloween

Spooky, spooky halloween

Don’t tell me who to worship I already got a queen

here’s what I got so far

I’m already so disappointed in myself for having no clear goal in this song. “Spooky, spooky halloween??” That is the most uninspired lyric I have ever heard.

Hey fuck you! This is the brainstorming process where there are no wrong ideas. It’s the creation of the idea that can be unclear, but eventually I’ll figure something out that makes sense!

No ebay shipments this morning. I don’t like that. I think I need to list a little more every day so I get noticed.

Anyway, back to the song!

Nah I think I’m done with the song because I can’t stop thinking about ebay. Getting into the holiday spirit is not something I do anymore.

I don’t know what the song is about. The song idea I had while I was in the bathroom has slipped away. I have nothing to build on at this point.

Lord spire said, “awaken my subjects cease your slumber on pillows”
“get to the north mountain top where the the black smoke billows”
“extinguish the red hot flames lest they scorch the stricken villiage”
“burning the cattle and crop and resembling a pillage”

At once, at haste, our lives are at stake
for who started this flame, their end I will make

fuck it, I don’t like this direction. It’s not spooky at all. Fuck this fuck that fuck everything. I need one or more sales every day!

I’m not getting my way. This economy doth be slayed. My favorite customer is broke and cannot afford to buy the card I bought specifically for him.

I’m doomsaying at this point. I’ll probably have a sale tomorrow or the next.

Or not. Last week I didn’t have sales on Tuesday or Wednesday.

The weekend is usually my best sales time. This weekend I got one sale on saturday, but nothing on sunday. Fuuuuuuuck!

I want to make rent this month without dipping into my savings.

I want to make enough money to get another shipment inbound from Buyee.

Both of those goals might not be possible, but that doesn’t stop me from desiring them.

I have a therapy call at 9. IDK what I’m going to do between now and then. I think I want to eat something.

My teeth hurt. I have a headache. I didn’t eat enough fat yesterday and it’s because I lack peanut butter or walnuts to put in my oatmeal. Today I’m definitely going to the grocery store, because today is the day that my food card gets re-upped.

I’m going to buy

  • nutmilk
  • oatmeal
  • peanut butter
  • banana
  • figs
  • walnut
  • acai berry

Food fit for a king! I look forward to having good oatmeal later today.

King this, king that. Lord this lord that. Medieval shit aint spoopy!

Spooky shit is one of my least favorite genres. Why am I trying to make a Halloween song?

IDK, I just had a musical urge when I was pooping this morning, and I tried to bring my song idea to life, but then I lost the idea as I was putting it down in my piano roll.

I didn’t have a solid grasp of the melody, so it got scrambled as I came up with new ideas as I was putting it on the piano roll in LMMS.

I want to make a song that sounds good with only a piano. To do this, it would need chords, a good rhythm, a good progression.

I have already failed that desire by adding percussion elements and a bassline.

Ok I just started a new project in LMMS and I cleared all the note sections that I made previously. Chords and chord progression time!

How can I make an original track when I got WINTERGATAN pulsing through my thoughts!?

Everything I make is going to be shit in comparison to WINTERGATAN!

Well then stop comparing!

Ok this is much better

3:10PM. It’s the afternoon now. I went to therapy via Zoom, then I went grocery shopping. On my way home, a car whizzed passed me while honking. I had the urge to flip them off or something, but I thought that would mean they had won. I just shook my head instead, and reminded myself that we each have equal road usage rights and they’re being very rude.

When they passed me, I realized that there were 3 cars behind me. It’s possible that they were feeling anxious because they felt held up by me, and they felt like they were holding up the car behind me.

When cars start to pass me, I pull off to the side because there are often a string of cars waiting to pass. Legally I don’t need to do this at all, until there are 3 or more cars waiting. I was not aware that there were 3. Anyway I don’t feel guilty about it.

This all happened within about 60 seconds. I merged onto an empty road and peddled up the hill. I was passed by a loud diesel truck towing an empty trailer. Then I was passed by the second car which honked at me. Then the third car passed me and then it was clear again.

They got impatient, they got angry, they vented their anger at something they perceived as weaker than them, then they cowardly sped off to avoid all responsibility. It’s such a common scenario on the road. In that moment I was so grateful that so many drivers are patient and are courteous and share the road. I know human brains are wired to remember conflict so they can avoid conflict in the future, but it’s important for me to remember that this one driver who was rude is a rare exception.

It’s not like I want to share the road with the drivers. I literally have no other choice in order to go to and from the grocery store. I wish there was some way to communicate that to impatient drivers, but there really isn’t unless I straight up log their license plate number and find where they live.

The road where I have had the most conflict with impatient drivers is the one right near my home. It’s the same exact stretch of road where I got flipped off by another driver earlier this year.

It’s an aging county road with no shoulder and no bike lane. It’s a 35mph speed limit and only one lane in either direction. It feels pretty narrow and it’s had an uptick in traffic in the past few years due to new housing being built in the area. This is the shortest, most efficient way for me to travel to/from town, and there’s nothing I can do to change that.

It’s the one stretch of road that is the most difficult and most dangerous for me. It’s the only place I feel anxious about being struck by a car because of how fast people drive on this road, and how narrow the road is. I would refuse to ride this section at night.

Anyway… Like I said, no bike lanes. There is a stretch of this road further west which does have a bike lane, but it’s only maybe three hundred feet. I think they modernized it when some houses went in right there, but that feature in the rest of the road lags behind.

No bike lanes, and I do my best. That’s all I can do. Had I known there were 3 cars, I would have pulled off to the side and let them pass. I didn’t know. Last I knew, there were zero cars.

I’ve often pulled off to the side when any cars start to pass me. Today I didn’t because the other side of the road was clear enough to where cars could pass me without having to worry about oncoming traffic.

All I can do is shake my head. I did my best and I have NO GUILT!

Ok then. What else is bothering me today? Fucking nockBack is bothering me today. I can’t figure this shit out. There’s strange example code that explains the how but not the why, there’s strange code behavior to where my separate fixtures get clobbered together and grouped into a single file, there’s a lack of Promise functionality in the fixture generation function yet it exists in the fixture use function, there’s no top-down explanation on how to use nockBack in a codebase, how/if/when to separate fixture generation code from test code… I’m just so confused.

I spent 2 hours fiddling with nockBack, trying to get some fixtures generated and well organized into my code repository, but I didn’t seem to get anywhere and I feel like I wasted time trying to wrangle the pile of hot shit that is nock. I wish there was some alternative which had better documentation. There could be, and I just haven’t looked enough. It’s pretty difficult to search for “nockback” without getting search engine hits that have nothing to do with Javascript.

Blaaaah, I’m just frustrated. nock is a pretty good library, I’m just frustrated and venting. I’ll figure it out, I just need some more time.

CBT homework

  • Write about how I ghosted my friend R. and consider what I can say to him about it.
  • When preparing to talk to groups of friends, come up with some talking points. What can I ask <name> about?
  • Create a list of people that I can reach out to
  • Write down what I want to say when preparing to talk to people
  • Keep up the momentum on reaching out and engaging in social activites
  • Do detective work on the thought, “I am a lower class of person”
  • Update my FBH care plan next week. What do I want to focus on?
  • Speak shame
  • Focus on the positive. Be aware of self defeating thoughts such as, “I think I’m going to barely scrape by this month.” and instead convert that thought to, “I’m going to do something to make this month great.”

Here’s the list of people I can reach out to.


  • M.
  • B.
  • D.
  • K.
  • A.


  • D. O.
  • J. G.
  • J. S.
  • J. T. S.


Here’s an idea I had the other day. I want to write it here so I can get rid of the notepaper which is cluttering my workspace.

Stream Affirmations

A webservice which integrates with Open Broadcaster. Allows stream viewers to record a short voice message which gets added to a queue that the streamer can play. Default option lets a team of stream moderators first listen to the message, at which point they can +1 or -1 the message before the streamer decides whether or not to play the message.

Oh yeah, voice messages require payment, and that would be my primary monetization method. I would collect a fee.

The service would be nice because it would make streams just a little more intimate for streamer and viewers.

I’m gonna have some food now

I had some mixed veggies, edamame, two bananas, and some peanut butter. I’m full! I’ve been using cronometer every day for a few weeks. It’s pretty nice. Today I actually hit my calcium suggested value! I’ve been not doing so good on calcium and potassium lately. I’d like to get some supplements for either, but it’s just too expensive!

It’s not that expensive, I’m just a poor boy. I am indeed working on changing that!

CBT group homework

chapter 4

Table 4-1
Exercise Emotional Strengths/Challenges

Emotional Self-RegulationStrengthsChallengesBarriersPersonal Impact and Solutions
– fear
– shame
– guilt
– meditation
– perserverence
– “opening up” and feeling vulnerable– Self isolation
– unwillingness to reach out
When I isolate, I become lonely and sad. Solution: make reaching out a daily task

Table 4-2
Exercise: Mental Strengths/Challenges

Mental Self-RegulationStrengthsChallengesBarriersPersonal Impact and Solutions
I like systems and goals and processes– web dev– life is hard– i don’t have any weed– I got no bitches to fuck
Solution: Fap till I don’t care about bitches

Yeah IDK what the fuck these tables are asking me for. I think I might be working ahead on the group homework and I could use guidance!

Affirmation Thyme

49. I choose to be proud of myself
50. I will do my absolute best in all things.
51. I will speak kindly to others and myself.

Opportunity, and Excelsior!

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