Mon Sep 21 2020

What a morning today has been!

I woke up after about 2 hours of sleep. I actually didn’t feel that poorly. I felt ready to go! I walked three packages to the mailbox at 7:45, then I twiddled my thumbs for a bit. Actually I’m not really sure what I did between 8 and 9. Oh yeah! I started a package consolidation via Buyee, in preparation for a wednesday shipment.

Then I had therapy from 9 to 10. I was feeling so good and open and free and I felt like myself. I was happy and I think it had to do with how I spent a good chunk of yesterday meditating. It also had to do with me meeting myself.

I meet myself when I am dead tired, yet unable to sleep. My true personality comes out, and I love him. He speaks his mind, he has a beautiful, rhythmic way with words. He makes strong, compelling points about his opinions, and he is unafraid of being his authentic self.

Goddamn. I would like to record myself on one of those talking sprees when I’m so bored that talking to myself is the only thing that makes sense. I would like to record it and share it.

Or maybe not. Maybe the real sweet stuff is to have someone in my life who I can share that part of myself with. Maybe the highest pinnacle of sweetness is simply being in the moment and appreciating what I’m witnessing.

I was urged to attend a group meetup this Friday. Nerds United is doing a charity thingy at the local food bank. I didn’t commit because I don’t want to go, but I am leaning towards going because I want to do research on overcoming social anxiety.

I jumped right into the Seattle Betsuin livestream at 10AM. I did stretches during the dharma talk, and then followed along with Shoshinge sofu. My voice kept cracking. I think it was because my body was tired, even though my brain was AWAKE. Also it helped to chant in a pitch that is more neutral for my vocal range. Part of the reason I like Hanjusan so much is because the sensei who made the Hanjusan video on youtube has a vocal range similar to my own.

I ate oatmeal after that. Oats + soy milk + banana + mango/strawberry/banana fruit blend + chia seed + peanut butter. That’s a fantastic meal right there. I can see why oatmeal is so praised when I put together a really solid mix. I’ve done oatmeal wrong so many times in the past, but now I have a clue on how to do it right. I have a standard to uphold now!

I jumped on my bicycle and headed to the street at around 11:15. I saw that the mailbox flag was still up, so I decided to grab the mail from the box and take it to the post office myself. I took the Evergreen way. The roads are perfect for bicycle travel during the 11AM hour. There is steady traffic, but it’s a sparce traffic and I don’t feel threatened or rushed.

I was smiling the whole way. I was in a good mood, happy to be alive, happy to have had a good conversation with my therapist, happy to be on the path of success and happy to be following my dreams.

I got to the post office and I chained up my bike. I walked inside and it was crowded, so I decided to just wait in line rather than placing the three parcels on the counter. I got a receipt even though I didn’t need one. I was just there for the experience and to be among people.

I got back on the Appleway trail and took it to Sullivan, where I crossed the street and got to the traffic signal. That’s when things got spicy. An ambulance came speeding down sullivan toward me, honking it’s air horn before it cautiously turned onto sprague headed east.

I think there might have been another emergency vehicle to the east, but I’m not sure. A fire chief pickup truck approached from the west and tailgated a green VW beetle which was hesitant to get out of the way. The pickup was followed by another fire engine with a spinning roto-ray. The ambulance, fire chief, and fire engine all turned into the Fred Meyer parking lot, near the garden center entrance.

The ambulance left almost immediately. Maybe they all get dispatched at once, and only the first ones stay there?

I think there was a second fire engine that approached from the east. I think they were the one that arrived first, which is why the ambulance left. But memory is funny like that. I was just enjoying the light and siren show, not really taking accurate notes of what vehicles went where.

Maybe that’s a good exercise in the future. I can stay calm by taking accurate mental notes. Truck numbers, truck types, etc.

I was calm in this situation, because I had no skin in the game. I was just a spectator for an emergency event which had to do with a stranger.

I’m probably going to crash at some point soon. It was a busy morning, I rode hard and I got my much needed exercise. I told myself that I’m going to ride to the grocery store tomorrow, too. Today I got ingredients for vegetable curry. Tomorrow I want to restock my oatmeal.

It’s a blessing and a curse to transport all my groceries via bicycle. The blessing is that I get my daily exercise. The curse is that I have to make a lot more trips to the grocery store because my carrying capacity is so limited!

I’m probably going to nap soon, but it’s all good. When I awake, my daily prerequisites will all be complete. I can work and then play and I don’t have to worry about a thing.

I found a really good meditation and affirmation video the other day. There was a line in it that I really liked.

I am a money magnet

I’m not sure that’s actually what is spoken because I didn’t hear it clearly, but that’s what I interpreted and that’s what I repeated to myself. I am a money magnet! I do good work, good translations, good packaging, good customer service, etc. My energy earns me money because I am a magnet for that money!

Ok break time

I took a nap. It was wonderful but I woke up feeling like I wanted to go straight back to sleep.

I slept for about 2 1/2 hours. I’m surprised how little sleep my body is getting, but how well I feel.

Mood wise I’m excellent. Physically, I guess I have muscle soreness and achieness.

Anyway, on to CoDA or CBT! What are we going to do today?

My therapist recommended that I review module 11 of Shy no Longer, so I guess I’ll start on that, even though I’m skipping ahead a bit. I’ll be coming back to module 9 and finishing that eventualy.

I reviewed Module 11. I can’t complete the worksheet in it because there is a SUDS concept that I have yet to learn. I’ll return to that once I finish module 9 and 10.

I’ll be wrapping up this post with affirmations and gratitude.

I’m grateful for meeting my authentic self, tired and mentally exhausted, but physically awake, I saw myself in a new light and I was pleased to have the experience.

I’m grateful for the cars who share the road with me, leaving large buffer room between us as they zoom by.

I’m grateful for sleep. I may not have got as much as I wanted to last night, but I appreciate the short naps I had. I will take it in whatever form I can get!

100. I can change my life
101. I will learn from yesterday, live for today, and hope for tomorrow.
1. I love myself.


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