Mon Sep 7 2020

Hello my friens.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m becoming an extrovert.

I don’t like to chat on Discord or Signal. I don’t like to send or receive texts. I get lonely after 2 or 3 days without social contact.

I get a boost of energy when people look at me while I’m riding my bicycle.

I think introvert/extrovert might not be a real thing. I think introvert/extrovert might just be a gauge on social anxiety or shame or willingness to be vulnerable around strangers.

Well, of course it’s not a real thing. What is real? If I experience it, it is real. Real isn’t a good word to even use to describe anything ever, unless we’re talking about imaginative concepts.

What then do I use to describe introvert/extrovert labels? Inaccurate.

But there really is a distinction betweeon introverts and extroverts. Introverts gain energy by being alone. Extrovers gain energy by being with other people. Or something like that. Fuck, I don’t even know the definition of the words.

I’m going to talk about something else.

11:18PM. Today is Labor Day. I started off the day by picking and packing a couple orders, but I didn’t walk them to the mailbox because it’s a national holiday. I got a knock on my door at around 8AM.

It was my dad, and he was seeing if I still wanted to go on the bike ride. My answer was yes, and I got ready. I threw a salad together in my premium food storage containers. Lettuce, red onion, and 2 avocados.

I put the salad and a Bananas Foster 1 pint cashew ice cream into a shopping bag in my backpack. I went outside and helped my dad load bikes into the back of his truck.

That reminds me, at the end of the adventure, I didn’t stick around to help him put his toolbox back in the bed of his truck. I forgot we had taken that out at the start of the day!

Lemme skip ahead to the interesting shit. We did a 7 mile bike ride and it was super easy but it was so cold. It started out warm, but the wind chill made it cold and I was just trying to keep warm the whole time by riding hard. It was all down hill, so riding hard wasn’t very easy.

I rode ahead as I tried to keep warm. There was a fallen rotted tree in the path and I stopped to clear it. There was lots of debris and I was kicking it off the road and my dad and sister caught up and helped me kick the debris off the path.

Another group came from the other side and they saw what we were doing, and copied us, using their feet to sweep the debris. It was a bunch of attractive women and I got pretty nervous and I clammed up. They were making small talk but I just wanted to hide.

We got back on our bikes and we continued. It was so cold! I don’t have enough meat on my bones for this shit!

Oh that makes me not feel so bad about binging on food lately. I could use the extra fat to keep me warm during the upcoming fall and winter!

I found a Christian propaganda comic book on a bench at a rest area. It was held down by a rock. I took a quick read and it was about this dude who died and he assumed that heaven and hell are on earth, but he’s getting sent to judgement and he’s getting judged for all the shit he’s done with his life.

I put it back under the rock on the bench. My sister asked me if I wanted her to throw it away for her. My dad was indifferent about it.

So we finished the ride at Chatta-something lake where there’s this big bridge that used to be a train bridge. It’s just part of the bike path now, and we went to the middle and saw a boat pass under the bridge.

It was so incredibly windy! I felt like I should be a man-on-the-street newscaster in a hurricane reporting on the high wind situation. The wind was pushing me over. If my helmet was not strapped to my head, it might have been blown off!

K. took some pictures. If I get access to them, I will post them here

@TODO insert bike ride pictures

We backtracked to the park where my mom was waiting with the truck. She had the dogs to keep her company. She was surprised that we were so quick to finish our bike ride.

It was too easy! It was all downhill. I didn’t break a sweat.

Ok so the interesting, difficult shit. We went to Zips in … <insert small town name with only one fast food joint> and my dad bought everyone food. I got crisscut fries but I was SHAME SPIRALLING

At the park we loaded up bikes, and I went to pee. I touched the toilet lid and the doorhandle and then I used hand sanitizer, but that’s not sufficient in my book. If I have poop on my hands, rubbing some alcohol on my hands and leaving the poop isn’t going to get my hands clean.

So I didn’t want to eat.

Atop that, I was CONSTIPATED all morning. I had tried 3 times that morning to poop, but I couldn’t. Now that I think about it, I guess I only tried twice at home, but the bottom line was that my body was not ready to poop.

I should have drank some coffee or something! (To make use of that natural diuretic.) Or woken up earlier and ran or walked. OR JUST NOT EAT A BUNCH OF NUTS AND FRUIT AT 3AM!!!!!

So yeah, I was constipated, my hands were filthy, and I didn’t want to talk about it or go to the restroom even though there was probably plenty of time to do that.

So I just shame spiralled. Luckily I became distracted when my dad asked me about Ethereum, and we stopped at a geocache of his. I had a chance to pour water over my hands and I became satisfied with their cleanliness.

Now that I think about it, what could I have done differently to avoid this situation in the first place?

I couldn’t poop. There was nothing I could have done about that. What I could have done was take a minute to wash my fucking hands when we were back at the park. That’s the one thing that could have drastically changed my mood.

Why didn’t I wash my hands when I had the chance? I didn’t wash my hands because my family was already in the truck when I got back to it. They were ready to go, and waiting on me. I didn’t feel like I was allowed to cut into their schedule. I felt rushed and I felt inferior.

I felt like I would have another chance to properly wash my hands. I delayed taking care of myself.

That’s the thing I would do differently. I would take the time to take care of myself, even if it meant inconveniencing my family. The truth is that I am worth the time delay. I am important enough to feel good and secure and sanitary in my person. I am not inferior at all– I’m an equal!

It’s hard to become an equal when I’ve felt like a glorified slave for so long. I didn’t feel like I had autonomy. I didn’t feel like I had a right to have a sex drive, an individuality, or an opinion.

I think my foray into anime and VOCALOID started as a sort of mental illness– one where I did not feel allowed to have a sex drive, so my impulses spilled out into less-than-human creatures as if it was a way to subvert the societal rules on what is appropriate sexual contact.

LOL that’s a weird way of thinking about it, but I think it’s so true. I still love VOCALOID and Hatsune Miku, that’s for sure. What has changed is how I don’t feel a need to talk to everyone I meet about it. It’s uncommon and goes against the grain and I’ve always known that.

I think I would express my love for VOCALOID to my family and random Uber drivers because I wanted some sort of reaction. I wanted the attention and I wanted confirmation that I’m weird.

I don’t need confirmation that I’m strange. I need confirmation that I’m loved.

I know I’m strange. Always have been.

I joined Ironmouse’s Discord server last week. They have an introductions channel for new people to say hello.

My impulse was to go on about how I love this and that, how I do this and that for work, and how I’ve been alive for so many earth revolutions around the sun…

I then realized that I didn’t want to start yet another internet friendship. I don’t want low-bandwidth message interpretation. I don’t want to post shit and expect a reaction just so I can feel good and inflate my ego. I want hugs and smiles and vocal communication nuances and all the senses and reactions that come with being a person talking with another person away from a keyboard.

I kept it simple. I said I’m a fan of mousey and I said my name. That was it, and no conversation formed.

Alright then. Relationship avoided, as planned.

Goddamn, Api Miku is CUUUTE

11:55PM. I can’t write fast enough to complete by midnight!

Technically, I have failed my goal. Practically, I’m #winning every day because of how much effort I put into things.

Things I care about, that is.

I don’t care about relationships right now. I don’t want to make any new ones. I want to keep the ones I have, perhaps, but right now is BUILD TIME.

It’s time to get my company built. It’s time to work really hard and make sacrifices so I can live my dreams.

My best friend M. wrote some things to me that I really appreciated.

everything will get better. Its up to you what you want in life

don’t let anyone tell you different

biggest thing is life is about you being happy and doing what makes you happy


That RESONATES with me, my buddy boy!

It seems like the prevailing behavior with people my age is that I have to

  • Play video games
  • Text and instant message rather than call or have face time
  • Have a Neftlix account
  • Have an Amazon account

Well fuck all those things! I think they all suck.

If I were financially stable, I would want those things. That’s not my reality right now. My reality right now is that I’m using an uncommon life hack to bootstrap a business, and everything but the business, or my personal maintenance can get teh fuck out of the way.

That’s what I want.

meta note: I switched bold instead of UPPERCASE beause UPPERCASE is often considered, “yelling.”

Say hello to the new Chris. The new Chris doesn’t give a fuck about what you want. The new Chris doesn’t give a shit that you expect me to be on Discord every night. The new Chris doesn’t give a shit that you expect me to play video games with you.

Fuck your expectations.

I have my own expectations, and those are the only ones I pay any attention to.

Alrighty then, that was therapeutic and shit. That was much needed because I don’t have therapy this week due to Labor Day.

CoDA time!

CoDA 30q # 25

I’m going to struggle with the forgiveness part of CoDA. Fuuuck (that.)

Well, I’m just takin’ it one step at a time.

Discuss why blaming anyone is actually hurtful to yourself, while forgiving too early can only be a temporary fix

CoDA 30q #25

I can see that blaming could be used as an excuse to not move forward. Blaming and refusing to forgive my dad for being angry and short tempered with me as a kid is a big barrier.

Fuck, I don’t even want to admit it, but I guess it really is a barrier. I don’t think I’ve specifically made this connection before.

I was neglected as a kid, so I turned out this way. It can’t be helped.

Well yeah, that was up to this point. But now I’ve done work and I’ve looked inside myself and I have a different perspective. It’s my responsibility for turning out a specific way now. Or I should say, my higher power’s responsibility, followed by my responsibility.

What needs to be done before forgiveness can give you a lasting release from blaming?

CoDA 30q #25

I gotta move out! My dad has power over me in the form of housing. I’ve only recently become aware that I have spent a huge chunk of my life with my father as my higher power. I can’t just not have him be my higher power in the blink of an eye. I think I have to disconnect from him financially and strengthen my relationship with my chosen higher power.

I don’t think I can be half-in half-out on this. I quit working for my dad, which was an improvement, but I still have this financial connection where a large portion of the product of my labor goes straight to him.

That’s what I’m thinking. I just think back to the book, Codependency no More and it feels like I haven’t even completed the step of that book which is, “disconnect.”

What are the benefits of forgiveness?

CoDA 30q #25

Fuck if I know. Maybe it just helps to where I can move on. As if forgiveness is the final stage of mental digestion of past trauma?

Gratitude time!

I’m grateful for the bike ride and I’m grateful for the crisscut fries.

I’m grateful for the cashew ice cream

I’m grateful that K. took some photos of the bike ride

I’m grateful that my mom was generous enough to shuttle us

I’m grateful for Ironmouse because she always makes me smile

I’m grateful that I have made progress on lessening my social anxiety

I’m grateful for Hanjusan & Junirai

I’m grateful for youtube

I’m grateful for SpaceX

I’m grateful for my friend M.

I’m grateful for books

I’m grateful that there are mini libraries

Affirmation time!

79. I am not the only one who struggles; I choose to be kind to everyone I meet.
80. Yesterday was a bad day, not a bad life. Today will be better (it wasn’t actually bad, I’m just going in order)
81. I am braver than I feel

Affirmation list


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