Exactly two years ago, I started journalling in a way that I had never done before. I wrote down exactly what I was feeling, regardless of what I thought other people would think. At the time, I was very depressed. I was broken. I was angry with work and frustrated and co-dependent with my parents.
I have sat on those journal entries for two years. They have been private, but they were never written with the goal of staying private. I want to share my story. I want to expose myself in every way. I want to be authentic and original and unique and genuine even if it offends people. I want to be loved for who I am, not for some false persona that I put forward in order to satisfy other people.
I wrote almost every day for a year, pouring out my soul. I set those journal entries to automatically publish after 2 years. I did so at the time when I was beginning a journey of self improvement. I thought that I would become a stronger person in two years, and when it became time to publish, I would be mentally prepared to endure whatever reaction my readers would have.
The time to publish is now. I don’t feel ready. I don’t feel strong. I’m scared of how people will react. I’m scared of losing relationships because of how I actually feel, how I perceive the world, and how I want to live my life.
I’m afraid, and yet I’m choosing to be brave. I’m choosing to conquer shame, as described by one of my favorite shame researchers.
intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belongingBrene Brown
Yikes. Again, I’m scared. I’m feeling jealousy, the fear of losing something I have. I’m afraid of change. I’m afraid of losing the support group that is my family because I’m literally publishing things that I think, have said, have done, and I know some of which are not in line with the values that I was taught as a kid.
This is part of growing up. Realizing I’m an adult and I make my own choices. I pave my own way in life. I don’t have to just follow orders or live someone else’s ideals, just because they are someone who raised me.
I don’t want to change anyone other than myself. I don’t want to set up any reader of these journal entries to think differently or behave a certain way. I am only wanting to express my thoughts, feelings, goals, aspirations, and communicate what kind of person I really am.
In writing my feelings just now, I think I actually am ready. I have made progress in the past two years. There is absolutely no way that I could publish two years ago, but now it seems doable. I didn’t even know the meaning of the word co-dependency back then. I didn’t have any coping mechanisms for feeling my own feelings. I didn’t even have a mental separation between other people’s frustrations with me and my own expectations of myself.
I am ready because I know that I’m a free, independent human being. I set my own moral compass and that’s okay. I set my own spiritual beliefs and that’s okay too. I set my own goals and metrics for success and that”s great!
Well, here goes something! Today begins the automatic process of publishing journal entries that I wrote two years ago. Keep in mind that these journal entries start out out with a very depressed version of myself. The journal entries will show me in a place that is not pretty, but that person is not the person I am today. Thank you for your understanding.
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