Article written on Sat Nov 22 2019 at 6:05AM PST

Hey Guess what? Pizza butt. I woke up from a dream about meeting up with an old airsoft friend. We stopped at a pizza place and he let me out of the car to go get pizza while he made a call.

The dream ended right there, but I wonder if he was going to join me for pizza afterwards. Or was he going to burn out of the parking lot and leave me at the pizza place? He didn’t seem that interested in talking to me.

Strange.

You know what else is strange? Tactical taints. One person in the world will get that reference.

I’m just writing nonsense. I don’t actually know if he was going to make a phone call. I made that part up after I woke up. I never know what I will dream of.

Actually I don’t seem to dream very much. I think it’s because my quality of sleep has been on decline. I think it’s because I’m so unfit, and also because my bed has become quite uncomfortable. I shouldn’t have bought the cheap American rip off of a Japanese futon. It has lost it’s plushness after time.

Next time I’ll buy the genuine article. Next time when I have money of course.

A big part of my depression comes from being broke. I wonder if I can climb out of this hole of being broke. It will be harder now since my suburban broke down yesterday. I thought it was just out of gas but I think there is another issue as well. Or maybe it’s just out of gas. I don’t know if I’ll find out since I don’t have active auto insurance anymore. That has lapsed after I haven’t paid my bill in 2 months.

I’m in a poverty hole now. I will have to claw my way out somehow. I may never claw my way out. I may just descend indefinitely and I’ll be a bum for the rest of my life. That’s how it feels.

I’m thinking of going all in as a web developer. Work remote and build wealth. Feels like quite a pipe dream given my past experience with working as a web developer.

I have only really worked for my parents as a web developer. First website I ever made for a customer was for a chimney company. I never even interacted with the customer, I just went interfaced with them via my dad. I made $200 for that website.

Next I made a website for my parent’s newly acquired at the time communications company. twoway.net. I collected a paycheck every few weeks and it was my job to maintain the website. I had it good back then. I ate very well, to the point where I was putting on some weight.

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Maybe the smart thing for me to do is to acquire some new clients. Build some WordPress or Drupal sites for people. Or maybe metalsmith clients?

I don’t think I’m good enough. My last client switched to a website builder. It’s unfortunate because now the website looks crappy. It’s my fault because I didn’t maintain contact with my client. I put up a wall and distanced myself. I avoided a relationship.

And this is how I am in 2019. I avoid relationships. I don’t make eye contact. I hide.

I can make custom stuff that a website builder can’t. I can design things that start as just a dream. But it’s hopeless because I don’t communicate. It’s hopeless because I don’t want people close to me.

I’m banking a lot on therapy to help me be the person I want to be. Wait a minute, aren’t I exactly who I want to be? I keep telling myself I got everything in my life I want except an income.

True. If I could monetize my current activities, I would. But this just takes me back full circle. I don’t think I can monetize my current activities. Part of this is just from the realization that I have mediocre skills, the other part is just low self esteem.

So what then?

So what then?

My choices for income seem to be work for my parents, or don’t have income. I have to walk to go places now. It’ll take an hour to get to the place where I work for my parents. I can’t haul anything anymore which makes my usefulness as a maintenance person limited. I guess I can do unlimited yard work at the house. But then again, getting supplies is going to be difficult.

I feel pretty damn hopeless.

Well, hopeless that I’ll ever make money. Not hopeless like I have nothing to live for.

I have thanksgiving and christmas to look forward to. Lots of good food will be had at no cost to me. And there’s the time with family and playing games which will be fun. My Jepurdee game should be fun as well.

Then there’s the next project, VOCALOID Studios which should be great. I’m expecting it to fail, as per usual of my projects, but I really love the pursuit.

I should tweak my Crash.co profile. My video pitch is rather dull. It could be more spicy.

I think it’s just a lazy way of looking for a job. Make a video pitch and hope someone with a company comes along and sees it? It’s so half-assed.

It’s so me. I’m a half-asser. Blaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.

Relocate me. I’m ready to relocate. It’s probably the only way I’ll be successful with a new job. It will take me completely moving out, getting rid of every unnecessary thing, and moving to a new place. All in. I can’t back out of a job like that, because it will be a hassle to even try. And what would I come home to? There’s nothing here for me anymore. i can’t go back to working for my parents because they don’t want me to work for them anymore. I’m a burden to them, it’s time for me to support myself.

I’m ready. I’m so poverty stricken that I’m ready for a challenge like this. I’ll get used to a job eventually. It sucks at first, it always does. But if it’s a nice tech company where I can be a web developer for pay, I’d be in a good place.

Ok here’s the script I just came up with.

Are you looking for someone who is passionate about web development? Are you looking for someone with experience in Linux command line interfaces, cloud providers such as AWS, Google, Digital Ocean, and the latest and greatest provisioning tools?

I’m your guy. Chris Grimmett here.

I spend my days building things. Vue single page applications. Nodejs backends. Redis key value stores. Continuous Integration and Test Driven Development. Javascript, Python, PHP, Ruby and more.

Got a WordPress site that needs maintenance? Got an idea for a new feature on your website? Are you looking to integrate the latest and greatest technology to your app? I’m your guy.

Let’s look at some of my past projects.

• HTML5 Quiz games (module name)
• Single Page Applications with real time multiplayer interaction (jepurdee)
• One click game server provisioning with Ansible.
• Command Line tools to accellerate developer productivity

I’m looking to help your business succeed online. I’m cleared to work in the USA, and willing to relocate. Let’s talk!

I’m putting together a video now.

I just thought of going outside to help my dad with the retaining wall he is building. The thought made my heart sink.

I have a real problem. I don’t want to work. If it’s not my project, I don’t want to do it. There is a real disconnect here because I would be getting paid to help make that retaining wall. I need money desperately. It’s clear to me that the reason I’m so desperate for money is because I don’t want to work, not because there is no work available.

But it’s not the right kind of work. I want to be a software dev, not a landscaper.

But I’m a good landscaper, or so I’m told.

I put years into being a web developer, but I can’t be one? I have to be a landscaper because I’m told I’m good at it?

No. I can’t accept that. I will be a web developer or I will die trying.

I will be stubborn until the end. I will do what I love doing, or do nothing at all.

I need a good scam. A scam to get myself some money. Got any ideas? I wonder if my Swiss friend would have any. I just checked Signal. Nope. We haven’t been talking much lately. I’m considering leaving Signal closed for a solid week before checking it. I think I have made myself less appealing to her ever since I started talking about my declining mental state.

If I can just get through winter, I think things will get better. I’ll be able to ride a bicycle easier in the spring. I can find some part time job in town to keep me going.

Part time job. I want to work at a farmer’s market. Stocking shelves. I’ll be the guy in the back with the apron, not the guy in the front at the cash register. Or I’ll wash dishes. Yeah, I used to do that quite a lot at Putters. It was mindless work, but that’s the type of PT job I am good at and the type of PT job I want. It’s a break from my stressful day job of being a web dev. I don’t have to think very hard, I just act repetitively.

Sometimes I miss my job at Tedder. The repetitiveness was nice, but the hours were too much. At one point I told myself I would still have that job if I could just work it part time.