Sat Apr 11 2020

It’s my mom’s birthday today. I am going to give her a call today. I have to do it soon because it’s already late. It’s 7:11PM and I just woke up. The schedule drift is real! I woke up depressed but I had to remind myself that I have to treat myself kindly. I have to treat myself like I would treat other people.

Ugh I’m so sad though. I think it’s because I overslept. I woke up at 6PM and I went back to sleep for no good reason. I seem to wake up in a mind fog when I do that.

I think I’ll go outside before the sun completely sets. I could use some exercise before I give my mom a ring and wish her happy birthday.

I can’t motivate myself to go. I’m not awake, fuck it. I’ll do some yoga when I wake up. Perhaps I will go outside when the sun comes up. I’ll definitely be awake then. read about a cool phone on HackerNews. Looks to be open source and relatively low cost!

The OS looks like an Ubuntu port. This leads me to wonder, how is the DragonBox Pyra doing? It’s been like 5 years since that thing was announced. It’s hilarious to think that the creator of the Pyra was pushing for a release at the end of year 1. I honestly would be surprised it it gets released at all at this point. I think he just keeps dragging his heels on the project, making excuses and putting the project low on his list of priorities. At this point I wish he would own up to the delays. Maybe cancel the project and move on to something he actually enjoys.

That’s what I’d do. That’s what I did on my controlpointer project. It was a 5 year project and it ended up dying because I ran out of resources. Money, food. Didn’t have either of those things and I for some reason kept going. I guess it was a passion project but I ended up hating it due to how secluded my life had become, and how distant I felt from the people who would benefit from the project’s completion. They weren’t my friends or customers, they were just random people who wanted something from me. I was destroying my sanity for what? A thanks? A promise of an insufficient monetary payout? Fuck them, they don’t deserve me.

Ok so it’s the regular story for Dragonbox Pyra. There’s a delay with the PCBs, there’s a delay in getting parts, ED was ill but now he’s back to normal and now he can work on Pyra, The regular story. Seriously, the news forum is a broken record! There are people in the forums who are still hopeful! I can’t believe this. Where is the outrage? People actually preordered this thing a half a decade ago! I remember a user in the forum who had his face on a profile pic. He was a boy when Pyra was announced with an ETA of 2 months. Now that boy is a man in his profile image, and Pyra’s ETA is still 2 months!


I bet this blog post will go live, 2 years after I write it, before the Dragonbox Pyra is released. This is what the trend tells me and it’s SAD.

I’m clearly angry.

I’m not wanting to deal with my current issues so my emotions are manifesting as anger. I can’t call my mom like this. I guess I’ll send her an e-card.

dammit, I made an impulse purchase of a JibJab subscription. With money I don’t have. Not good.

Now I can say that I’m bad with money.

Yikes, My whole routine is fucked. It’s night time so I can’t go walk now. I don’t know what to do now. I was thinking I wasn’t going to eat today, because I had the worst gas yesterday. Just non-stop gas all day. I figure it’s because I’ve been eating too much. Really stuffing my face because I’m depressed.

My depression is worse the past few weeks. It’s partially to do with COVID-19, but mostly it’s just from not holding a sleep schedule.

Making a funny Jibjab video lifted my spirits, but just for a moment. The feelings that I was trying to distract myself are still there. My bad money habits are still there. My lack of sleep schedule is still there. My overindulging in Javascript projects is still there.

Hey maybe I’m hung over. Yesterday I got “drunk” on writing code. I was not present in my own life. I would get up from the computer to use the bathroom and I would just stare into infinity, unable to think about what was happening right in front of me. I was completely absent minded. This is my vice in action. I get so wrapped up in projects that my mind goes to another place. I don’t feel my own body. It is my brain on drugs. Whatever drug it is, it’s 100% natural and produced in my own body, but I’m a complete junkie. I sacrifice my health and my sanity when I get like this.

I’m getting high right now, typing away at my computer when I could be reading a book or doing yoga. Fuck that, this is my life. This is the life I want, the life I fight for, and the life I’ve been desiring my whole life.

Well, it’s kind of a shitty life. I don’t produce value for anybody but myself. I don’t have moderation in any aspect. I overeat, I oversleep, I over play, I over work. Why do I do this to myself again?

It’s better when I do moderate. It’s better when I don’t play video games. It’s better when I don’t meet with friends, and instead go for a walk. Let me clarify. It’s better when I do meet with friends in person. It’s better when I don’t meet with friends online to play video games with. I don’t take care of myself when I get into video games for more than an hour or so.

I fuck over my sleep schedule when I get into video games. It’s the most reliable way to fuck over my sleep schedule.

I think I could fuck over my sleep schedule without video games. I could do that with code or research or youtube.

Yeah so I think I’m hung over. I get hung over when I spend so much time on the computer doing stressful work like web development. I think this is why I’m sad today. I’m simply exhausted and being happy requires having sufficient energy.

So I’m going to do self-care today. No stressful computer work, but instead rest and relaxation. Tomorrow I can pick up the work if I’m feeling better.

I’m hungry. I suppose I could eat. I think I’m feeling genuine hunger, not psychological hunger.

I sent the JibJab video to my mom. She texted me back and she seems pretty pleased. I’m sad that I am not going to call her. A text is such low bandwidth medium and I can’t feel her love via text. I know it’s there, though.

Watching Marcus House talk about SpaceX news. Best news there is!

I guess I’ll eat some leftover noodles. Yum yum, Japanese buckwheat noodles with yam, with a premade Thai peanut sauce which I found at URM. It’s really spicy and yummy. I bet it has MSG in it, because I felt really full after I ate an amount which is smaller than what I would normally eat. I might have to check on that. I’m not necessarily against MSG, I just want to know when I’m eating it. Sometimes I feel like I don’t eat enough, and I wouldn’t want to eat MSG if I’m trying to take in more calories.


I have to make a new heading because I fell like the content following a heading has to be related to the heading. I just wanted to use bold text to shame ED but I used a heading instead.

Pay no attention to me, ED, I like your work and your products and I’m angry about other things and misplacing my anger. I hope to have a Pyra someday and I’m being impatient. I know it’s a hobby/passion project and you have a family and a job and the Pyra doesn’t get priority.


John Conway has died. I don’t know his face, I just know the famous, “Conway game of life.” I bet there is going to be a resurgence in Conway game of life clones now that Mr. Conway has passed away.

I see lots of names on HackerNews which I don’t know. There’s a lot of people in the world! Only so many people can make it into my brain SSD.

Oh wait, are brains closer to SSDs, or HDDs?

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