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Sat Apr 18 2020

Last updated on April 19, 2020

I’m avoiding my feelings again. My dad and R. are out back, doing cleanup and removing the sand bag bunkers. I went outside to take the mail to the box and my dad sad, “hi”. I nervously said, “hi” in return, simply copying what my dad said. I always do that. I don’t speak unless spoken to.

It’s 10:53AM. I didn’t get to the mailbox before today’s dropoff, and that’s to be expected. I went to sleep at 6AM but I could have taken the mail to the box at that point and made it in time. I was too tired though. Ludum Dare is still going on. I did some art and some music. I loathe the code.

See even now I’m changing the subject to avoid what is happening outside. My plan was to go help with moving the airsoft bunkers. I copped out because I feel too nervous to see R. and work with my dad.

I really need some exercise. I was thinking of walking to the grocery store, but I don’t have money for that. My food stamps refill tomorrow, so it makes sense tomorrow, not today.

I got a 4 pack of 40z muesli from Amazon. I used my EBT card to buy it. Interesting that Amazon accepts EBT now. I cancelled my Amazon prime membership yesterday so I can save money. Apparently I could get a $5.99/mo. prime membership because I have an EBT card. I’m still cancelling though. I don’t use it enough to warrant prime. Also it’s a shitty deal. Ever since the federal mandate which taxes online purchases, Amazon has become a shitty deal. Everything is overpriced. It makes more sense to buy in person at a grocery store.

Aaand now I’m depressed.

I want to go outside and walk, but I can’t do that because my dad and R. are out back doing work where I would walk.

I want to go get sweaty so I can then shower and get changed out of these dirty clothes and feel comfortable.

I want to play league of legends and lose myself in the game and ignore my problems.

I want to buy shit on eBay and take out my anger by yelling at the seller because the customer is always right.

I pretty much did just that yesterday when I sent nastygram to a seller I purchased a SIM card from. They were slow to reply to my messages, slow to ship, and their description didn’t match what I got. I got an un-activated SIM card with no service, and I expected it to have service. I was in a hurry so I activated the SIM card myself, thereby missing the discount and the whole reason I bought from eBay rather than straight from AT&T.

I got a full refund and I feel guilty about it. I feel guilty because I have a perfectly good SIM card that the seller sent me on their dime, and they got nothing out of it. The seller just sent me a refund and cut off all communication. I would have been fine with a partial refund.

I got my money back and now I’m being greedy with it. I don’t care that the seller paid to send the SIM card to me, or paid for the SIM card. I’m taking advantage of the seller just like so many buyers have done to me.

And I feel guilty.

I have been ignoring a friend for about a week. N. texted me on Tuesday and I’m just getting back to her. I think I’m only replying because I’m feeling depressed. I don’t want to talk to her anymore. Our relationship is the kind of relationship I want to avoid. It’s empty. We don’t see each other or hang out.

I think I just dumped some of my sad feelings on her. I said how it’s frustrating that I don’t see my family anymore, due to COVID-19. It’s all sad feelings I put in her direction. It’s not fair to her. I am looking for something from her that she can’t give me. That’s intimacy and love. I already told her I like her 2 times, and both times she shut me down. I don’t want to get into it. I just hope I can quit using her. I feel like that’s what I’m doing when I text her rather than calling her. If I text, I think I send negative energies. I text things I wouldn’t say. It’s maybe a deeper thing to text, but the bandwidth of texting is low and my point probably doesn’t come across well.

What am I doing? I’m wallowing, that’s what! I’m wallowing in sadness. I’m wallowing in guilt. Shame? Maybe a little. Moreso is guilt, because I had a plan to go help my dad and R. with the airsoft bunker stuff, but I backed out. I never told them yes, I just ignored the e-mail. I don’t think this is shame. I told myself yes, and then backed out. I feel guilt at this moment and I suppose that’s good because I think I can work through this.

Shame feels crippling. I often feel stuck in my shame, incapable of coming to a solution and moving forward. Guilt is less so. Guilt is something I can manage. I’m conscious enough about guilt to where I can apply reason when I experience guilt.

I’m giving myself a break. I’m going to take care of myself and get back to journalling when I feel better.


I ended up writing a 2000+ word article, https://grimtech.net/how-to-do-mortars-in-squad/ which I’m counting as today’s journal entry. Excelsior!

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