Sat Apr 4 2020

Strange and disturbing dreams today. I was back in school and there was an annoying skinny kid in the class. I was busy working on a new revision of a MIDI interface prototype that I was making for a client. I was trying to figure out how to use the CAD software to extrude a part to create a button cap. The annoying kid got reassigned seats right next to me, and he wouldn’t stop invading my personal space.

This kid was straight up mentally retarded, and I got so frustrated with him banging his hands on my keyboard that I had to shout in his face, “this is my space, this is a healthy boundary!”

The kid didn’t understand and minutes later he would be in my face and banging on my keyboard again. I choked him out, trying to replicate the choke holds that I see Brasillian Jui Jitsu fighters do.

The kid goes limp and I get worried. I want to make sure I don’t accidentally kill him, so I gently lay him down and make sure he’s still breathing. I see that he’s good and I wait for him to wake up. He does, and he’s docile enough to where I can get back to work.

Days later the same thing happens. The kid is breaking the boundaries I defined, and he doesn’t understand my words that he needs to back the fuck up.

I choke him out again. Same concern for his safety once he goes limp. I lay him down and make sure he’s breathing. Everything checks out and he’s calm once he wakes up.

I end the day with a burdened conscience. I shouldn’t have to be choking this kid out at school. I contact the teacher and I tell them that I don’t think it’s a good idea to have this kid in the class with the other students and I. The teacher takes note and I head home.

As soon as the bell rings, I run in the opposite direction that I and the rest of the students usually take to walk home. I have an ace up my sleeve, something to help me get home faster. It’s a bike I have stashed at a nearby lot. I run towards the lot and a bunch of kids follow me just because I’m the cool kid.

I see my brother and sister at a bus stop. They wave me over and say, “take this bus!” I point to the lot with a chainsaw scabbard that I suddenly have in my hand. They seem to understand.

I see the lot but I can’t stop. My legs won’t listen to me. As I run on the sidewalk, I approach a hill and the path declines down it. I’m so confused as to why I can’t stop or move off the sidewalk. I figure it’s because there are too many steps involved. The first thing I want to do is turn around and go back to the lot. I simplify the whole thing, and instead of trying to do both at once, I completely focus on coming to a complete stop.

Using all my concentration, my feet skid on the ground as they want to continue to run, but I force them to decellerate and I come to a complete stop. After that, I can do the next step, turning around. I walk back up the hill and towards the lot where my bike is.

I wake up at this point in a pool of sweat. I feel so groggy and tired and it’s hard to think critically. I feel half asleep and in a sort of dream state. I probably couldn’t do math if I tried. All I want to do is stare at something interesting.

Twitter came easy this morning. I avoided YouTube because the first thing I do in the morning is usually the thing that comes easiest for the rest of the day.

It’s not even morning. I woke up at 1:30PM. Last night, I stayed up until the sun came up, at which point I walked a bunch of eBay shipments to the mailbox, then went to sleep. I think I went to sleep at 6:45AM.

The thing I got out of the dream was that the annoying, skinny, retarded kid wasn’t retarded at all. I think he was a genius with a mental problem which prevented him from being able to think slowly. He probably had autism or something, but he wasn’t dumb. He probably wanted to say hi, but just like me not being able to slow down my feet so I could stop running, he wasn’t able to slow his thoughts or thing about more than one thing at once. His efforts to control his body were just not getting through, and his desires were manifesting out of spectrum from what he intended.

It was with this knowledge that I wanted to go back to the teacher and instead of requesting that the kid get ejected from the class, that a specialist social worker be introduced to the class, and help the two of us communicate. I wasn’t getting through to him because he couldn’t process what I was saying, and he couldn’t get through to me because he was overwhelmed.

That’s what I got out of the dream. I’m in this strange mental state where my body is not in tune with my brain, and knowing this state, I think I can understand a little part of what is going on in that kid’s head.

Not that any of that has ever happened to me. It hasn’t. The most interaction I had with a supposed mentally retarded person was in elementary school when that one kid grabbed my balls and squeezed really hard. Not a good way to start a relationship. That’s a really good way to prevent one from ever happening!

I’m feeling really vulnerable and uncomfortable this morning. I want to jump right into work and not think about anything. I know that doing so would be a bad idea for me. I have to face these feelings if I am to get past them.

So the kid who grabbed my testes in real life.. Could he have been trying to communicate with me, using methods he had learned? I think so. I think what he was communicating to me was, “get the fuck out of my space ship.”

Maybe I was an intruder in his mind. I didn’t ask if I could join him under the space ship jungle gym. I simply saw him, was excited to play with him, and I joined him there.

It doesn’t make it right. I’m not going to forgive him for assaulting me. That space ship jungle gym wasn’t his property. I had every right to be there.

That’s in my mind though. In his mind, that could have been his safe space, and I was the aggressor. He might have been defending himself in his mind.

Doesn’t make it right. I didn’t deserve that. I deserve better.

I don’t know what else to say about that. This dream gives me some understanding, but I’m not about to apply this to a situation that happened ~25 years ago. I guess I applied it as well as I could. Am I supposed to forgive that boy though? Is that what my dreams are trying to tell me? I might be able to forgive him. I think I need to talk to my therapist about this some more. I don’t know if forgiveness is the right move. Maybe? I don’t know. I need a second opinion. Maybe I’ll share this dream with her.

I’m so tired. I want to go back to bed but I probably shouldn’t I should probably stay up until the sun goes down, so I can get back on my good sleep schedule. I feel so much better when I maintain a sleep schedule. Right now, I’m living in a haze that makes focusing or working or thinking critically damn near impossible.

“damn near.” Where am I getting this structure of speech? Was it Tiger King? I totally binged the rest of Tiger King last night. My review of that documentary is.. Everybody is guilty. Everybody lied to get what they wanted. The main characters in that video is no friend of mine, villains in disguise, and if I met them in person, I would turn around and run.

I don’t have a solution either. Freedom and anarchy is probably the best thing I got. If they’re doing something unsavory, I would boycott them. Communities should be allowed to boycott unsavory businesses, and those businesses should go broke if that’s what they deserve. I’m not even sure if those businesses should go broke. They’re operating zoos and I think there’s a market for that. People want to see animals they couldn’t see anywhere else.

Goddamn, I’m just glad none of that shit is happening in my community. Because it’s not, I can safely say it’s not my problem, and I’m staying out of it.

But yeah, government bailouts undermine freedom. A free market, a free economy should collapse every now and then. What’s happening in the USA right now is like a morphine drip on a drug addict. Keeping that morphine coming, “stimulating the economy”, is going to make the crash and the rock bottom extremely difficult. More difficult than it needs to be. Say if GM was allowed to fail and all those workers had to find jobs elsewhere… Something good would have come of that. Instead, GM keeps going, they get a government bailout, and a market that should have been destroyed because the market demanded such.. was not allowed to happen and we’ve got this artificial shit pile of what the shit.

I’m not awake right now. I’m so out of my mind. I’m talking about a bailout I have not researched. I wanna go back to sleeeep. Is this what it feels like to be a politician? This is a real air for brains experience. My logical brain must be asleep right now. My filters are lowered. My emotions are running wild.

Let’s see, how many hours of sleep did I get? 7 8 9 10 11 12 1. one two three four five six seven. Ok, I guess that’s pretty good. I suppose I’ll try to stay awake.

I wanna learn Japanese. Maybe I’ll use some of my government economic stimulus money to buy Hide’s course. Hahaha, I’ll spend money outside my own local economy. That way, the crash can happen regardless, and the fed can quit preventing the druggie that it is from hitting rock bottom and starting a real recovery.

I wonder what a crash would look like. I suppose it would have some parallels to what is happening right now. 50% unemployment rate, mass evictions, mass homelessness, starving people, big increase in crime as people try to gain assets to exchange to feed themselves… I’m not sure what comes after that. Civil war? Poor vs. rich, maybe? The poor demand a chunk of the rich’s money. The rich say, “get a job.” The poor riot and flip over police cars, set fire to them… Martial law gets declared, industry collapses further as businesses struggle to pay rent and find employees who aren’t a complete mess…

I think the only industries who survive might be those deemed, “essential” like during this covid-19 pandemic. Grocery stores, liquor stores, marijuana marts, food suppliers, farms…

No more game stores or restaurants. I suppose a few high end restaurants might stick around. Maybe the poor are too dumb to quit eating at McDonalds so they stick around. McDonalds would simplify their menu to like 4 items, because they can’t afford to have a variety anymore. burgers, chicken nuggets, soda, fries.

I’m hungry. I want pizza. There was a pizza joint in Tiger King which made my mouth water. I haven’t had a good pizza for quite some time.

I’ve got ingredients for a mediocre pie. I’m missing peppers and onions. I have some mushrooms. I don’t know what I’m going to do with the mushrooms.

I’m too tired to prepare food. Did I mention I want to go back to bed? I might not be able to resist soon.

I suppose I could go for a walk. That would probably wake me up.

I just typed 2000 words. That’s pretty kickass. This has been my first easy writing session in weeks. #NoFilter really does wonders!

I mean like the mental filter kind of thing. My filters are off!

Most of them.

Anyway, here’s some affirmations and some words of gratitude.

33. The answer is right before me, even if I do not see it now.
34. I am thankful for… (I’ll get to this below.)
35. I choose to take good care of myself.

I’m thankful for bikinis. Hot damn I like cute girls in bikinis. I used to go to all the time, and wish I could afford a subscription. I would find all sorts of alternative ways to watch bikiniriot content. I think I found a torrent at one point which was a huge dump of their entire collection. Thanks, 4chan!

I’m thankful for really big anime eyes. Like, wow. Way to supersize the cutest facial feature, artists! Someone said eyes are the gateway to the soul. Does that mean that anime girls have the biggest souls? It would make sense, with moe culture and everything. An overwhelming of emotion is precisely what would come from a girl with a big soul!

I’m thankful for paper. It’s got such a large X, Y surface area, which makes writing so very excellent. The Z axis dimension is tiiiiny! Makes stacking and combining writings very nice and space efficient. Not that I really use paper much. Mostly I type which is even more efficient in terms of dimensions!

I’m thankful for behavioral therapy. I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for therapy. I wish more people could experience therapy, because it has been a great thing in my life and I want the same resource that I have for the people I care about.

Here’s what I think about this post, and me staying awake any longer. YEET!

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