Sat Aug 15 2020

CBT Shy No Longer Module 5

I completed the module, although I saved the ABC thought diary worksheet to be filled out another time when I experience anxious feelings.

The ABC method is all about

  • Activating event
  • Beliefs
  • Consequences

An activating event can be, “waiting in line at the grocery store”

The belief could be, “I’m not worthy to be taking a spot in line. The people behind me need to checkout.”

The consequences could be, “I’m sweating. My chest is tight.”

The consequences are often easier to come up with, because they are often the most obvious things.

Identifying the belief is the most important part of the process, because the belief is what is causing the unhelpful consequences.

The belief should always be questioned, to get to the root of the belief that is causing such a strong response.

If the belief is, “I’m a neusance”, I should inquire further. “Why am I a neusance?”

“Because I stink and I’m not funny or entertaining.”

So I’m self consious about how I smell, and I don’t think I’m the type of person people like to be around. Ok then, that’s a pretty deep belief and one that could very well be causing the strong reaction. It’s best to keep questioning myself.

“Do I stink right now?”

the answer may very well be, “probably not right now.”

“If I’m not the type of person people like to be around, that’s bad because why?”

The answer may very well be, “it’s not bad at all. I don’t exist to entertain people.”

I enjoyed this exercise.

I’m out of yummy salsa! I’m just going to have to eat more hot sauce until next week when I feel okay about buying groceries.

I think I’m going to buy some lettuce. I miss lettuce. I also miss potatos. I think I’ll get sweet potatos. I’d also like some corn, either canned corn kernels or corn tortillas.

Avocados as well! I miss those. They would really improve my veggie bowls which I’ve been making.

So it seems like my shopping list for next week will be

  • sweet potatoes
  • corn tortillas
  • avocados

I’m was down to two ingredients in yesterday’s veggie bowl– beans and rice. I think I could make it a little better if I cooked lentils as well.

  • Black beans
  • green lentils
  • brown rice
  • hot sauce

That’s literally the entire meal. I need some FATS in my meals! That’s why I want avocado.

It would be great if I could come up with a vegetable oil based sauce, but I’m really terrible at making sauces. If it doesn’t come from a recipe, it’s going to be disgusting.

I don’t have the correct ingredients for most of the sauce recipes I come across.

I keep adding columns to my daily progress chart. Yesterday I added a journal and bathing column, and now it’s probably not going to fit on my 4×6 shipping labels. I abbreviated some titles and scaled down several column widths, but I’m skeptical that it’ll print within the margins.

If there’s a will, there’s a way! I just had an idea to rotate the headings by 90 degrees. That would make every column width the same size, and it would be a minimum size! That should be good.

Now the other issue is that I keep making changes to this chart before an entire week goes by. I’ll never have a completed chart before I move onto the new version!

I suppose that’s perfectly fine for what I’m calling a progress chart. The chart progresses with my personal progress!

Maybe an indicator of whether or not I am progressing over all is if my chart has not upgraded to a new version in over a week. LOL, that’s a pretty funny way to think about it, but it makes sense from a standpoint of always changing and always improving.

I get ammo price alerts because I had the idea to invest in ammunition once the price comes down. Just for historical records, here is the price of ammo right now.

The 5 lowest .223 Remington ammo prices range between 26 cents per round and 97 cents per round.
.223 Remington ammo prices

I sold a 3 pack of Denpa Onna booster packs yesterday. It’s 7:55AM right now. I woke up before my alarm today, right around 7AM. I’m grateful that there’s a feature on LineageOS that lets me dismiss my morning alarm (one time) before it occurs.

It’s amazing that it’s Saturday already. This week seems to have flown by rather rapidly.

I need more sales! I gotta get $200 in the next 15 days or I’m sunk!

I’m probably catastrophising, but it’s true that I need to make $200 in order to make rent. Well I’m not even sure on that. It’s possible that the stimulus check arrives during August. Possible, but I think unlikely. The fed will probably drag their heels. Actually I have no idea… I’m not in the loop on how that shit works!

Ok, I’m going to go take care of this morning shipment.

10:17 PM. I had a day.

Currently watching Ironmouse. I did like a half hour of buddhist sutra chanting beforehand, and I think I saw a glimpse of the PURE LAND™

I was singing and I was hearing myself as if someone else was singing my voice. Crazy feeling! It took really letting down my guard, opening up, and being my genuine self, singing not to imitate the leader’s voice, but singing and being completely, openly Chris.

Wow that was good stuff. Apparently there is another style of buddhistm called jodo-shu buddhism. Their chants are SUPER repetitive. Like, chanting simply, “namu amida butsu” for 12 minutes straight!

I did not follow along with this, because I like how the Jodo shinshu sutra chants are almost songs. Mostly it’s about holding a pitch and meditating on that sound, observing stray thoughts and accepting them before letting them dissipate.


I had the thought that I’m grateful that I live such a KUSH life that I can sit here and get stiff all day. I’m grateful that my biggest worry is that I didn’t do yoga today.

Fuck yeah.

Well I have bigger worries. Like food, LOL. I need to go grocery shopping. I’ll probably go in the morning because I’m so low on foods that don’t make me constipated.

I figure that I need more oatmeal. I’m going to get like a bunch of oatmeal and oatmeal toppings. Maybe some salsa too? Probably not salsa. I have to prioritize my trips to the grocery store. My backpack becomes too full if I get ingredients for more than one meal in a single trip. And it gets too expensive!

So I suppose I will prioritize the OATMEAL this time. Oats, walnuts, banana, raisins, strawberries, agave nectar, BRAN FLAKES (FUCK YES), almonds…

I haven’t had BRAN FLAKES in a LONG TIME. I’m going to get some of that, fuck yeah!

I love me some Wheaties!

Maybe some peanut butter too!

My mouth is watering just talking about these ingredients!

I had oatmeal with chia seeds, cinammon, and agave nectar today. I was so blown away with how YUMMY it was.

I’m so opposed to eating sugar and fats. I think I do myself a disservice by doing so. I am healthy enough and active enough to where I probably NEEED those things in my diet!

Today I had the worst brain fog. I think it was because I was constipated. I didn’t poop until like 8PM.

I went on a bike ride today. 4.8 miles. It felt like NOTHING. I’m getting so STRONK!

I need to eat more, that’s for sure. My legs were twitching and I was tired and I had brain fog. Eating all the raisins I had left made me feel a bit better, but like I said, I think the brain fog was because I had a shitty meal the night before that got me constipated.

The shitty meal was brown rice, under cooked black beans, and Frank’s Red Hot sauce.

yeah, undercooked black beans. i realize that now, because they were UNDERDIGESTED in my poop!

gross, amirite? Well this is a journal so y’know how it goes.

It stinks in my apartment. I think it’s because of all the cooking I’ve been doing. I have to figure out a better way to cook food. Or maybe, a way to not have to cook food at all!

Oatmeal is a good start!

It just gets too damn humid in here. I’m afraid that I’ll damage my products with all this humidity. The A/C can’t keep up with the humidity apparently. It’s GREAT at keeping it cool, but not so great at keeping it dry.

Well I’m literally just boiling water and creating food vapor.

I feel so light headed when I do that. Maybe that’s part of the reason I get brain fog.

Today I was experimenting with different fans. The ceiling fan in my bathroom does pretty much nothing to get rid of the humidity. My box fan just pushes the humidity around, but doesn’t get it out of the apartment. I can open my door, that seems to work the best, but I like to chill in my underwear so I don’t wanna open the door.

I could leave the apartment for a minute, come back in, and it’s like I was walking into a cloud. I could literally see the water particles in the air.

It’s not good. I’m going to make mold or something in here. I can’t be damaging my collectible cards that I’m relying on to make money with! Some of those cards are going to take months or years to sell, which means that I need to protect them and withstand the test of time!

The loop I took via bicycle was 4.8 miles. Oh I already said that. The loop goes to 32nd road, then to the other side of south chapman, then up the hill and the road becomes north chapman. Then there’s the huge new bombing hill (N chapman) which was really really fun because it was so windy on the downhill.

I felt so comfortable on my bicycle going down that hill. The whole ride was comfortable, and I didn’t feel nervous at all. I think the brain fog has that side effect– it kinda zaps my anxiety.

Anyway, I then got on barker and headed south all the way back to 32nd. Fun ride. It was about 12PM when I rode, and it being Saturday, traffic was super light and I had the road to myself for a majority of the time.

I’m crashing super hard now. After doing that meditation and chillin’ with Ironmouse, and coding some more squad-score openCV stuff, I’m ready for bed!

Things I did not check off my daily progress chart today are–

  • Socializing
  • Play
  • Japanese
  • Cleaning
  • Yoga
  • Read (I just added this today)

I felt very authentic today! A big part of that is due to meditating and entering the pure land, where I was observing myself from a seemi ngly different perspective. I gave myself permission to be myself when I watched Ironmouse’s stream, and I was laughing and having a good time.

Too much stress today! I gotta work on that. It will help if I do more yoga, and take LONGER BREAKS away from the PC.


Someone save me! I’ve got a DOPAMINE ADDICTION.

Who doesn’t though? I think just about everyone who lives in 2020 has such an addiction.

Own a smart phone? Dopamine JUNKIE!

Well luckily my smart phone is not a problem. I rarely bring it with me when I leave the house! I like my time away from my phone.

It’s my computer that I’m hooked to.

I still feel bad about the week when M. was here and I avoided spending time with him. Regrets!

I was in a bad place though. Mentally I was wanting to isolate myself. Physically I was not intaking enough nutrients.


All I can think to do is resolve to do things differently in the future. Things like packing meals, not snacks. Things like being up-front about my financial situation. Things like TAKING A DAY OFF.

OMG, I feel so bad about that.

I can only move forward. An apology is in order. I think I overpromised and undersold on my availability that week.

ey 2000 words. I’m going to bed.

I’m grateful for my friend M. who is patient with me. I’m grateful for food and meditation and google maps and openstreet maps and spacex and nerds united.

All these things add spice to my life and they’re all fun and good and helpful.

28. I choose to see the good in the people I interact with today.
29. It is always too early to give up on my goals.
30. I can reach out for help if I need it.


I did the first 12 minutes of this yoga tutorial.

It was very difficult because I don’t feel very energized. I think the reason for that is that I haven’t done any cardio today. I’m going to go outside and take care of cardio soon, after I finish writing today’s 2000 words.

I just noticed that I’m already at 2000 words, so I’m going to wrap this up with some words of gratitude.

I’m grateful that I can simply walk outside and walk or jog in the backyard. I’m grateful that I can simply open a youtube video and get a yoga tutorial. I’m grateful that land and knowledge are so plentiful and available to me!

I’m grateful for the SpaceX livestream from yesterday. There is an incredible side by side shot from the first stage landing which I think to date might be unmatched in terms of how clear and stable the image is.

I’m grateful for Miku. Miku has filled my life with so much music, love and joy. Happy Birthday, love!

Looking for VOCALOID trading cards?

Check out Sakura Blossom Trading Post