Sat Aug 22 2020

I had a terrible dream.

I went to an amusement park with a bunch of girls, and my frienemy 籋. became attached to me. I was chillaxing laying on the floor of my parent’s old house after a hot day at the park and B. was insistent on giving me a back massage. Her overweight self sat on my back and complained that I was wearing tighty whities.

I complained too– I don’t wear those! There she was massaging my back and I felt like I couldn’t breath. She later said she could stand to lose 100 lbs. I thought to myself, “make that 200.”

The next terrible segement came from me trying to find a place for 籋. to get cleaned up. There were 3 bathrooms in my parent’s old house. The first one was occupied, the second one was filthy and horrendously cluttered with used Q-tips and stacks of tupperware containers.

The third one was sort of off-limits because it’s in my parent’s bedroom. I begrugingly offered the second bathroom to 籋. and I went to investigate the third.

All this time, My mom and sister K. were checking up on us every few minutes. My mom didn’t seem happy, and K. got the impression that 籋. and I were a couple. WHAT A NIGHTMARE

籋. disappeared from the dream (thankfully) and then there were these kids all of a sudden, who came up to me and wanted those tupperware containers in the bathroom. It was like the second bathroom was a buffet line all of a sudden, and they wanted me to serve them.

So I thought I’d help for a moment and I hand these kids a few containers. They handed me some dirty ones back, and I was confused as to what I should do. I just stacked them somewhere.

Well that was fun. I helped serve some customers, and now I am going to leave. But no! Another kid comes up and he wants to be served as well. I look at him, I look at the stacks of containers, I look at where an employee should have been but wasn’t. I try to get out of it. I explain to the kid over and over that I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t work here, and I helped the other kid on a whim and now I’m leaving.

Eventually they got the idea, and the employee showed up. I suggested that they get help from the employee now, and I left.

I went to one of the bedrooms in my parent’s old house– the bedroom that started out as the master bedroom, but eventually became superseded by another master bedroom when my parents expanded the size of the house.

I just wanted to chill out, away from the customers, away from the friends that I don’t actually like.

I’m laying on this bed and my mom brings me this tiny runt of a baby. It’s gotta be one or two pounds max, it’s completely naked, and it’s elongated body is covered in somewhat shriveled skin.

My mom places the baby on the bed with me. She doesn’t say much, but she seems angry and the baby seems cold. It seems like my mom isn’t going to do anything about the baby, so I take it upon myself to pick up the baby and keep it warm.

The baby is cool to the touch. I hold it against my naked shoulder. I’m completely naked at this point for some reason.

My mom is angry and she starts explaining how gross it was when my friends and I showed up and we all smelled like poop. Apparently it was very costly for my mom, and the only reason she didn’t make a big deal about it was because what we brought home was profitable to her. The money we indirectly gave to her was more than the expense our presence incurred. I don’t even remember what it was… sand in our swim trunks or something?

Anyway, I’m trying to keep this baby alive and my mom is nagging my ear off. The baby seems to be getting warmed up, then all of a sudden it squirms and poops an adult size log all down my abdomen, leg, and lap. I was completely naked for whatever reason, and I’m completely horrified by the long and thick dark brown poop all over my crotch and naked lower body.

My mom laughs and says, “Oh, you’ll just need a tissue.”

No mom, this is not a job for a tissue. This is a job for industrial strength paper towels, a whole bottle of cleaner, and a long shower.

My mom doesn’t even help. She got up like she was going to grab me something, but all she did was leave the room. I’m left on my own to clean this up.

The worst part about it is that moving at all to get out of bed just smears the poop everywhere. There’s a tissue box on a nearby dresser. I eventually get to it and I get cleaned up.

Luckily this was just a dream, and the cleanup sequence was simply SKIPPED.

So I’m cleaned up and the focus is back on the baby. “You’re going to have to get it fixed” says my mom. I look at the baby’s unrealistic testicles which are the shape and orientation of upside-down cartoon rabbit ears.

My mom is too prudent to mention, “testicles” and explain what she actually meant. I couldn’t remember the name of the procedure, so I describe the process.

“You mean, that thing where adults get the tubs in their their testicles cut and heat seared closed?”

“Yeah, that one.”

“Oh, some adults get that done to themselves.”

Yeah, exactly, some ADULTS get that done. Babies don’t get that procedure unless they’re NOT A HUMAN!!!

My mom was being truly evil in this dream, which makes it a REALLY SCARY DREAM!

I started thinking about where this baby came from. My mom isn’t taking care of it, she’s shoving that job off on me. IS IT MY BABY!?!?!?

Is it a baby made from 籋. and I?

THIS IS TRULY A NIGHTMARE. To dream that I and 籋. would ever get close enough to create a child… Oh My. God.

I am scarred for life after having this dream. 籋. is so disgustingly repulsive, both in personality, body weight, and appearances. My brain must truly hate me for creating such a monstrocity of a situation in which I GET INTIMATE WITH SOMEONE I HATE.

Thank goodness this is only a dream. Thank goodness for the lesson that is WHAT NOT TO DO. I will never get drunk around 籋. I will never go to a theme park with 籋. I will never hang out with 籋. anymore, since my disdain for her is so great that apparently my brain has some twisted attraction towards her.

Yeah she’s confident and brave and authentic. Things that come so unnaturally for me are so easy for her. That’s about all that’s going for her, because she’s rude, mean, loud, toxic, fat, bad with money, lazy. She dominates conversations and she’s a terrible human being towards strangers. I’ve already talked about this at length and I’d rather not get into it again. I don’t hang out with her anymore if I can help it, and that’s that.

I think the uncomfort of the dream came from me sleeping on my stomach. I felt like I couldn’t breath when nightmare 籋. was sitting on my back. The nightmare baby pooped on my abdomen and legs. Assumedly all because of the physical sensation of my bodyweight limiting my ability to breath.


I think I had this dream because I slept in. I woke up at 7:30 as usual. Half awake, I booted my computer and checked my e-mail. No eBay orders, so I went straight back to bed. I slept until 8:30 and I didn’t even bother checking for orders; all I wanted was to sleep.

I slept until about 10:30, when my conscious awareness of the poopy themed dream prompted me to get up and take care of myself.

OH YEAH, I almost forgot. When the baby pooped, IT ALSO POOPED IN MY MOUTH.

When I awoke, I realized that I had drymouth, which is probably what prompted me to dream about something related to my mouth. A DRY, CRUSTY SENSATION.

I felt gassy as well. My body takes whatever prompt it can get, and augments a feeling into the strangest dream!

Ok then, that dream has been documented! What a silly strange dream that I hope I never get again.

What can I learn from this dream?

  • Don’t have sex because it creates pesky babies
  • Don’t spend time with gross friends
  • Don’t pretend to work at a place
  • If my mom’s in a bad mode, LEAVE

LOL those lessons are sillier than the dream itself.

The real lesson is… LIFE IS CHAOS

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